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What should I think about my husband and his internet porn?

Forums: Relationships
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Tanbear
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Nov, 2004 12:29 pm
Taliesin181 wrote:
HA! Nicely put, Tanbear. That's a healthy view, but the tone of it seems bitter. Am I misreading you?


I'm not exactly bitter, I'm more amused and amazed by all the swirling controversy about porn use.

I do feel somewhat confused though, no place in my wedding vows was there any mention of the fact that I needed to gleefully accept being used by my husband as a human kleenex or risk being laughed at and labled as "insecure"
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Taliesin181
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Nov, 2004 12:44 pm
Gotcha, thanks for the clarification. I agree on your point that porn really wasn't in the agreement of marriage; and I hope you don't think I was labeling you as insecure. I view porn as an appropriate (kinda) activity if you're single, but when you're married...it's more like a betrayal than anything else. Obviously, these are my views, and I don't expect everyone to agree...but I hope that we can all debate it nonetheless.

BTW, I was laughing at the "masturbatory tool" comment, not at you/your situation.
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Kyrian
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Nov, 2004 08:23 pm
roger wrote:
Is this an advertisement for tickle.com?


Hi! I'm new here so please forgive my naivete' but, am I missing something here? I went to "tickle.com" and it seemed pretty harmless to me. I mean, yeah, there's a matchmaking page but even YAHOO has one of those. Not sure I understand why Katie2 was upset by this Confused Can anyone enlighten me?

As for the other issue with hubby's porn use, it sounds like, mind you I said sounds like hubby may be addicted or forming an addiction. If he needs constant, daily exposure to porn, something ain't right and it's got nothing to do with how much he's 'getting it' at home.

Most experts agree that, with continued exposure to porn, it can become addictive. And, like crack cocaine, after awhile it takes more and more to achieve the same high-effect. Later, if the addiction goes on unchecked, the "victim" may begin to disconnect from real sex all together.

If he's also visiting websites (like "tickle" and "adult friend finder") you've just got to wonder why. To those who have criticized Katie2 for installing software to track hubby's usage, I'd say that, on the surface, her actions were justified. He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. Sure, surfing for porn is one thing, but if he's actually trying to find an Internet love, then this marriage is in trouble....IMHO.
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DBro
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Nov, 2004 10:39 am
Frank Apisa I couldn't put it better myself
His words are poetry to my ears, nearly as good as Elizabeth Barret Brownings poem - Sonnet (Portugese). However, if one had a women then there is no need for PORN unless used by both for pure enjoyment and to spice up one's relationship if needed.
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Cheers @ 30..... DBro
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willyT
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Nov, 2004 11:39 am
seedy novels vs. porn?
I have a question for those out there who regard porn as a form of cheating or betrayal. Would you consider steamy romance novels on the same plane as porn? These things get pretty descriptive. I guess the question is one of visual or verbal stimulus. I've discussed this with my wife (who has read these in the past), and she has no problem with porn as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life, and I feel the same way about things that may stimulate her. In fact, I actually like the idea of her reading these, since I am the beneficiary of the turn-on, so to speak.

It seems that men are visual and women are emotional, and porn and romance novels satisfy these needs, respectively. Is this a fair comparison?
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Kyrian
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Nov, 2004 12:25 pm
Re: seedy novels vs. porn?
willyT wrote:

It seems that men are visual and women are emotional, and porn and romance novels satisfy these needs, respectively. Is this a fair comparison?


Actually, you've hit the nail on the head. This very concept has been proven time and time again. Although, porn is much more vivid....less use of the imagination, than romance novels. Romance novels appeal to the emotional needs of women while porn responds to visual needs.

The problem lies when either partner relies too much on porn or romance novels to meet their needs. However, when either partner relies on the external stimuli because the needs are NOT being met within your relationship....then, you've got a problem. At least, that's my two cents... :wink:
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Tanbear
 
  1  
Reply Fri 26 Nov, 2004 03:30 pm
I had an interesting experience recently. I decided to look at some porn
and spent a very hot afternoon downloading and bookmarking sites.
Later that night when hubby reached for me I was able to say "thank you dear but no thanks, I satisfied myself several times today"

For some strange reason he wasn't very happy and not nearly as understanding as he expects me to be after he turns me down after he has a hot afternoon at his computer, I wonder why ?

I think next I'll try surfing for pron till 3-4am and then go trotting into our bedroom expecting fast, hot, hard service like he frequently does to me. I'll make it really clear that the only reason I'm turned on is because of all those meaty cocks I was looking at. I'll be all pissy and huffy when he turns me down because he's tired and has to work in the morning, I'll make a nice, nasty scene just like he does and I think I'll leave the computer turned on to a page filled with pics of men much younger and more well built than he ever was so that when he gets up to get his coffee before work in the morning that he'll get a good look at it,just like he does for me.

I wonder how much fun pron will be when we're BOTH getting to play the game ?
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jpinMilwaukee
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 08:17 am
Tanbear wrote:
I had an interesting experience recently. I decided to look at some porn
and spent a very hot afternoon downloading and bookmarking sites.
Later that night when hubby reached for me I was able to say "thank you dear but no thanks, I satisfied myself several times today"

For some strange reason he wasn't very happy and not nearly as understanding as he expects me to be after he turns me down after he has a hot afternoon at his computer, I wonder why ?

I think next I'll try surfing for pron till 3-4am and then go trotting into our bedroom expecting fast, hot, hard service like he frequently does to me. I'll make it really clear that the only reason I'm turned on is because of all those meaty cocks I was looking at. I'll be all pissy and huffy when he turns me down because he's tired and has to work in the morning, I'll make a nice, nasty scene just like he does and I think I'll leave the computer turned on to a page filled with pics of men much younger and more well built than he ever was so that when he gets up to get his coffee before work in the morning that he'll get a good look at it,just like he does for me.

I wonder how much fun pron will be when we're BOTH getting to play the game ?


That sounds like a very healthy relationship... let us know how that works out for you.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 08:29 am
well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he expects her to be ok with it, he should be ok with it too. But I think she should tell him this, not just do it out of revenge and malice.

Just an observation.
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jpinMilwaukee
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 09:06 am
Kristie wrote:
well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he expects her to be ok with it, he should be ok with it too. But I think she should tell him this, not just do it out of revenge and malice.

Just an observation.


So two wrongs make a right?

It isn't the porn use that bothers me it is the obvious attempt to hurt her partner. I am not condoning what the husband has done... it has obviously hurt her and she is mad... but trying to hurt him back is only going to add more pressure on an already strained relationship.
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Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 10:25 am
jpinMilwaukee wrote:
Kristie wrote:
well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he expects her to be ok with it, he should be ok with it too. But I think she should tell him this, not just do it out of revenge and malice.

Just an observation.


So two wrongs make a right?

It isn't the porn use that bothers me it is the obvious attempt to hurt her partner. I am not condoning what the husband has done... it has obviously hurt her and she is mad... but trying to hurt him back is only going to add more pressure on an already strained relationship.


No which is why I said I think she should tell him this not do it.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 10:46 am
jpinMilwaukee wrote:
Kristie wrote:
well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he expects her to be ok with it, he should be ok with it too. But I think she should tell him this, not just do it out of revenge and malice.

Just an observation.


So two wrongs make a right?

It isn't the porn use that bothers me it is the obvious attempt to hurt her partner. I am not condoning what the husband has done... it has obviously hurt her and she is mad... but trying to hurt him back is only going to add more pressure on an already strained relationship.


In this case, she is just showing him how it feels and I'd do the same thing. Actually, no I wouldn't. I'd leave his disrespectful ass before I'd stoop to his level. I don't think her main reason for doing that is to hurt her husband, but more to show him how it feels and I say "you go girl"!
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 10:49 am
And I have to add that I can't believe people actually compare romance novels to porn. I don't know what kind of novels you're reading, but mine certainly can't be compared with porn!
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Taliesin181
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 02:04 pm
Tanbear: I'd have to put my vote in the "don't stoop to his level" column. Once you do that, it makes any further complaints you have a bit hypocritical, and just leads to bad feelings.
That being said, if you were to talk it out with your husband and work out a kind of compromise wherein you both decide it's acceptable, then I praise and envy your relationship. But just trying to be spiteful leads to the big "D". Have fun!
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 02:43 pm
Shocked


I am almost sorry i opened this thread....

I was just testing the waters.. I think I will stay outta the porn threads..
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Tanbear
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 03:36 pm
Taliesin181 wrote:
Tanbear: I'd have to put my vote in the "don't stoop to his level" column. Once you do that, it makes any further complaints you have a bit hypocritical, and just leads to bad feelings.
That being said, if you were to talk it out with your husband and work out a kind of compromise wherein you both decide it's acceptable, then I praise and envy your relationship. But just trying to be spiteful leads to the big "D". Have fun!



The compromise is this-My husband has every right to look at/read whatever he wants,that right does not extend over into being allowed to use me like some second rate human kleenex.I would prefer that he satisfy his porn driven urges for sex at his computer and leave me out of the loop,I'll take care of my own needs. If he's unhappy with that he knows where the door is.
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Tanbear
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Nov, 2004 03:42 pm
jpinMilwaukee wrote:
Kristie wrote:
well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he expects her to be ok with it, he should be ok with it too. But I think she should tell him this, not just do it out of revenge and malice.

Just an observation.


So two wrongs make a right?

It isn't the porn use that bothers me it is the obvious attempt to hurt her partner. I am not condoning what the husband has done... it has obviously hurt her and she is mad... but trying to hurt him back is only going to add more pressure on an already strained relationship.


Interesting how every possible allowance, every possible civil right is to be extended to porn viewing spouses.Could someone please tell me please what rights do we lowly human cum rags otherwise know as wives have in this situation?

I believe people have a right to watch/read whatever they like.. that right ends where other people's bodies begin. Dance with the one who brung ya ! if that 22 yr old hottie on your monitor gave you a woodie, then finish off with her and leave me alone please.Getting all huffy cause a woman won't jump on your porn inspired erection like you're doing her some sort of favor is insulting to say the least.

Personally I'd rather be cheated on, at least there's some honesty involved there instead of all of this "oh my porn viewing doesn't have anything to do with you" when it very obviously does.
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Taliesin181
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Nov, 2004 05:09 pm
Tanbear: I agree. If your husband were on this thread, I'd tell him to stop and re-examine what he's doing, since I find porn a sad, sad activity (not condemning others, simply stating my views) that's only acceptable if you're single.
I think you should try "accidentally" breaking the computer (it doesn't even really have to be broken) and trying to get him to "see the light" while he's not so porn-crazy from looking at porn. I know first-hand how addictive and "vicious-circle"-like porn can be(which is the reason I haven't touched the stuff in years), so once he's "cut off", he might be more amenable to reason.

Especially since you're his only hope of going to sleep fulfilled while the computer's being fixed. :wink: Laughing
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Jackal
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Nov, 2004 09:06 pm
Porn is like fire - a useful tool, it can spice up stale marriages, etc, however if its use is not watched, it can destroy your life. I agree - its also very unfair for the guy to get all worked up and expect to snap his fingers and be serviced.

However, this is the age old marriage debate - what do you do when sexual appetites don't match? The answer is very obvious - the one who wants more loses. The one who wants less (typically, the female) can't be made to have more. So, guys tend to get the shaft - literally. Smile

I think the majority of men in this position out there are in the following situation:

They want sex more than their wife does. They talk about it, ask for more, maybe try new things, etc. Wives may sometime agree, but for the most part, settle into the routine they're comfortable with.

Husbands then feel guilty and stupid for constantly asking and getting turned down. After a while, they stop asking. Regardless of what movies may show, most of us love you and would never cheat. However, where does that leave us? Sit there and resent the situation, or take care of business on their own with a pic, an spare their wife the badgering.

I realize this is a steroetype, but then again that's how they become stereotypes - it happens a lot. I'm just stating it the way many men experience it.

Thoughts?
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Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 08:10 am
I want to do this with as much respect as possible...especially since several of the women who disagree with me here are among my favorite cyber friends...

...however...

...any woman who thinks she is beautiful, sexy, and interesting enough so that "her man" will be so enthralled by her that he will never need further stimulation to obtain a working hard-on and to derive the sexual release a protracted, satisfying orgasm provides...

...is simply deluding herself.

Helen of Troy didn't meet that criteria; Elizabeth Taylor in her heyday didn't; Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba...none of them met it.

NO WOMAN DOES! NO WOMAN EVER WILL!

Eventually, the men initially stimulated by them, cease to be stimulated to the degree necessary for the male function.

In the past...men turned to other women to deal with this.

Presently...luckily if the cards are played right...they turn to chemicals or porn.

The fact that you cannot turn on a television set these days without seeing an advertisement for products that will enable men is no accident. Drug companies are not spending millions of dollars advertising stuff that doesn't sell. And the resaon it sells is not because the shyt tastes good...but that it is needed!

You women who want to make a big deal of the porn...go ahead and do so.

No matter what...the guy will go back to the porn.

You have a choice.

Make it as uncomfortable as absolutely possible for the guy. Let him feel as much guilt about it as you can possible produce. Try as much as possible to see that he enjoys the experience as absoluely little as possible. You can insure that the only way he can indulge himself is by lying and going behind your back. And you can be as certain as you can be of never trying to understand it...or to take advantage of it for your own sexual fulfillment.

Or you can go with the flow...be tolerant and understanding....and derive whatever advantage you can from the situtation.

There is absolutely no difference between the two choices except that one will help make your relationship and life more enjoyable...and one will turn it into a living hell.

Good luck with your decisions.
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