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My husband won't give up porn !!

NSFW Forums: Relationships, Family, Marriage, Communication, Dale Is A Bot
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Biliskner
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:31 am
smorgs wrote:
Bilisker wrote:
Quote:
but no one has such authority as to say what's "correct" and what is "wrong", esp. not so concerning something that happens *mostly* in one's private life behind *mostly* closed doors.


Unless they are GAY eh, Bilisker?

Your a hypocrite Evil or Very Mad


lol... i have a stalker.
*click* report.
0 Replies
 
mit2727
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 10:09 am
Quote:

There's those "Men watch porn, men have a natural desire, it's normal" excuses. You can feed those excuses to all the women you want, but I've come too long of a way in my life to believe any of it. It's a bunch of crap and one of my ex's actually admitted it to me just a few weeks ago, not that I didn't already know. You know Mit, you really won me over on your thread, but you just lost me.

I don't even know why I'm in here again because the last time I stepped foot in here, I got so pissed off that I avoided A2K for a few weeks.

Thanks for reminding me why I should stay single.


Youzer! That's pretty harse. You do forget that I have completely given up porn becuase its hard to reconcile with my religous beliefs and thus defend as acceptable behavior to my wife. HOWEVER, I do think it is very naive to think that 90% of men do not engage in this activity or that doing so makes them a wholly unnacceptable choice for a partner. I think you are judging people WAY to harsly. Just becuase you had an ex boyfriend tell you the "normal man" defense of porn was "bullshit" doesn't make you an expert on the subject of what is "normal" and what is freakish, destructive, or so immorral as to make someone unworthey of a committed relationship. Statistically, the vast majority of men from 18-30 watch porn. This does NOT make it moral or justified. But it DOES, by DEFINITION, make it normal. Surlely this does not mean that the vast majority of men are unsuitable for a committed relationship.
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 11:20 am
Biliskner wrote:

oh no! don't start this...

first of all you can't say life is not an exercise in absolutes. you sleep, you wake up. that's absolute. you drive a car on one side of the road. that's another absolute.


Absolute -something that is conceived to be absolute; something that does not depend on anything else and is beyond human control;"

Gimme a break, Biliskner. It is not absolute that when I go to bed at night , I am going to go to sleep. NOR is it absolute that I will wake up. NOR is it absolute that I will drive my car on the right side of the road.

In my post I was simply stating that people that watch porn should not all be thrown into the same bin. There are people that watch porn and never end up addicted, etc.

Biliskner wrote:
that said, you can't say which porn is sick/bad and which is good. how can you? on who's authority?


So......I guess you think pedophilic porn is fine. It is not sick? Hmmmm....interesting. I wonder why people go to jail for it. Why is it not legal, then? I don't need authority to speak out against that kind of porn. Our governed laws already to that. Rolling Eyes

In 1996, the Child Pornography Prevention Act expanded federal powers over the distribution and possession of child porn. It requires a five-year prison sentence and up to 30 years for the production of computer generated child pornography or any visual simulation of a minor engaged in sexual activity

As per my saying that porn that depicts violents acts against women is bad to me .....I also stated that some people enjoy that. In other words - to each his own.
0 Replies
 
mit2727
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 11:28 am
LOL-

I think we can all agree that child pornography is "bad" and that anyone who watches it needs to get help ASAP! I'll make that moiral judgment anyday.
0 Replies
 
shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 12:35 pm
[/quote]

Youzer! That's pretty harse. You do forget that I have completely given up porn becuase its hard to reconcile with my religous beliefs and thus defend as acceptable behavior to my wife. HOWEVER, I do think it is very naive to think that 90% of men do not engage in this activity or that doing so makes them a wholly unnacceptable choice for a partner. I think you are judging people WAY to harsly. Just becuase you had an ex boyfriend tell you the "normal man" defense of porn was "bullshit" doesn't make you an expert on the subject of what is "normal" and what is freakish, destructive, or so immorral as to make someone unworthey of a committed relationship. Statistically, the vast majority of men from 18-30 watch porn. This does NOT make it moral or justified. But it DOES, by DEFINITION, make it normal. Surlely this does not mean that the vast majority of men are unsuitable for a committed relationship.[/quote]

When I read Montana's post, I felt she was saying that men who engage in porn make them a wholly unnacceptable partner for HER. As someone already stated, some marriages are open, some couples swing, some engage in porn as a couple or as individuals, and some are porn free. As someone who's been hurt by porn in the past, Montana seems very sure of the kind of relationship she wants (or doesn't want). The fact that 90% of men use porn (is it really that high??) sure leaves few men for the pickin (for HER).

My apolozies ahead of time if the quote thingy doesn't work..newbie here Rolling Eyes Confused
0 Replies
 
shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 12:47 pm
Mit, you mentioned that you have completely given up porn. How hard was that? Have you found that this has helped your marriage? Do you miss it? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
0 Replies
 
mit2727
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:14 pm
Well,

It was somewhat difficult. It takes a bit of will power to have advertisments pop up on your computer screen and 1) know you could take a peek and no one would propbably ever know, and 2) not be personally opposed to doing so, but then refraining from doing so becuase you have made a promise not to. That being said, its really not that big of a deal just not to click on the ad. I can't say if it helped my marriage from my end, and I havn't noticed any changes at all in our sex life or degree of intimacy. But I'm sure it has headed off alot of arguments, so for that alone, I guess it was worth it.

One thing that I think really helped me-- I had one moment of weekness when my wife was away for the weekend and I spent about 20 minutes surfin the porn. I felt guilty and told her about it when she got back. She didn't make a big deal about it and I think that was very important. Blowing something like that into a big argument would have only served to humiliate me about a pretty personal shortcoming and would have likely put me on the defensive.

I guess its just a good idea to recognize that asking your man not to look at porn is not a bad thing to do if it bothers you, just keep in mind that he's not perfect and temptations abound...
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:34 pm
mit2727 wrote:
Quote:

There's those "Men watch porn, men have a natural desire, it's normal" excuses. You can feed those excuses to all the women you want, but I've come too long of a way in my life to believe any of it. It's a bunch of crap and one of my ex's actually admitted it to me just a few weeks ago, not that I didn't already know. You know Mit, you really won me over on your thread, but you just lost me.

I don't even know why I'm in here again because the last time I stepped foot in here, I got so pissed off that I avoided A2K for a few weeks.

Thanks for reminding me why I should stay single.


Youzer! That's pretty harse. You do forget that I have completely given up porn becuase its hard to reconcile with my religous beliefs and thus defend as acceptable behavior to my wife. HOWEVER, I do think it is very naive to think that 90% of men do not engage in this activity or that doing so makes them a wholly unnacceptable choice for a partner. I think you are judging people WAY to harsly. Just becuase you had an ex boyfriend tell you the "normal man" defense of porn was "bullshit" doesn't make you an expert on the subject of what is "normal" and what is freakish, destructive, or so immorral as to make someone unworthey of a committed relationship. Statistically, the vast majority of men from 18-30 watch porn. This does NOT make it moral or justified. But it DOES, by DEFINITION, make it normal. Surlely this does not mean that the vast majority of men are unsuitable for a committed relationship.


I don't think it was harsh at all when considering so many people think my thinking is wrong and contolling because of my views on this issue.
I've stated several times that I don't have issues with porn as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and I'm made myself quite clear about that. I disagree with several people here that I consider my friends, so don't feel as if I'm ganging up on you. I responded to you because you used the same excuses men use all the time to the women they are hurting and I know for a fact that it's a bunch of bullshit.
shmookie posted an piece with Dr' Phil's take on it and It's exactly what I've been saying all along.
If porn is more important to a man than his own wife, that's very sad, to say the least.
If 90% of men enjoy porn and don't care who it hurts, then I'll be hoping I can meet some in the 10% that's left.
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:37 pm
shmookiedoo wrote:
Ok Montana, a breather might be a good idea. Don't make it too long though, I just discovered A2K, and really enjoyed your thoughts and insights.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Very Happy


Thanks very much shmookie. I can never stay away from A2K for very long, as this is my second family :-D
I'm glad you'll be sticking around since I obviously enjoy your thoughts and insights as well :-D

(((((((((Hugs))))))))) right back at ya ;-)
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:41 pm
shmookiedoo wrote:


When I read Montana's post, I felt she was saying that men who engage in porn make them a wholly unnacceptable partner for HER. As someone already stated, some marriages are open, some couples swing, some engage in porn as a couple or as individuals, and some are porn free. As someone who's been hurt by porn in the past, Montana seems very sure of the kind of relationship she wants (or doesn't want). The fact that 90% of men use porn (is it really that high??) sure leaves few men for the pickin (for HER).



Exactly Cool
0 Replies
 
mit2727
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:54 pm
Confused Why do you "know for a fact its a bunch of bullshit"? How do you know for a fact that these men you condem aren't just suffering from weeknesses that we all suffer from in one area or another. Do you have any vices that you have had a hard time giving up? Is there nothing that you know to be wrong or unhealthy that you struggle with?
0 Replies
 
mit2727
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 01:56 pm
Why assume these men are all assholes who are purposely hurting the ones they love and giving "bullshit excuses"? Why not just conisder them flawed human beings (like everyone else), with a vice?
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:09 pm
mit2727 wrote:
Confused Why do you "know for a fact its a bunch of bullshit"? How do you know for a fact that these men you condem aren't just suffering from weeknesses that we all suffer from in one area or another. Do you have any vices that you have had a hard time giving up? Is there nothing that you know to be wrong or unhealthy that you struggle with?


I know that it's bullshit because several men friends of mine have told me this throughout the years. "suffering from some weakness", oh please, give me a break! Do you mean to tell me that men have no control over this?
If so, why do these men get into relationships and get married to women who they know are hurt by it?
I personally don't do anything that I feel is wrong, so I don't struggle with anything, except for watching my weight.
I don't do anything that would hurt another person, period.
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:12 pm
mit2727 wrote:
Why assume these men are all **** who are purposely hurting the ones they love and giving "bullshit excuses"? Why not just conisder them flawed human beings (like everyone else), with a vice?


I can't consider them as flawed when they are hurting someone they claim to love. That's when I call it nothing less than abuse!
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:20 pm
Good luck in your future relationships, Montana.
0 Replies
 
shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:23 pm
Glad you're back Montana : )
Mit, I commend you on giving up porn. Your wife is obviously bothered by it, and by giving it up you are no doubt saving her grief the likes of which you'll never know.
0 Replies
 
mit2727
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:24 pm
That's exactly my point, having several friends tell you something does not make it a fact. The cumpulsion to view pornography is very real. Pornography addiction is a huge issue. Of course men have control over what they do, but the occational slip up is no different than the person who has a moment of weakness and cheats on thier diet or lites up an illicit cigarette. In either of these cases, they may have a spouse who feels strongly that those habits are destructive and hurtful considering that they shorten the lives of the person they love, but in either of those situations, given the person's efforts to correct their problems, wouldn't we all expect a little understanding and forgiveness?
0 Replies
 
shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:31 pm
To a woman who views porn as a form of infidelity, then forgiving the occassional slip-up is not as easy as it sounds.
Would you forgive your wife if she occassionally slipped-up and slept with another man, then tried to assure that it's really no big deal?
0 Replies
 
shmookiedoo
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:34 pm
Gotta go feed the kids, the lil rugrats insist on eating 3 times a day grrr : )
I'll bb in a bit
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Mon 14 Mar, 2005 02:43 pm
shmookiedoo wrote:
To a woman who views porn as a form of infidelity, then forgiving the occassional slip-up is not as easy as it sounds.
Would you forgive your wife if she occassionally slipped-up and slept with another man, then tried to assure that it's really no big deal?


my sentiments exactly...
0 Replies
 
 

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