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My husband won't give up porn !!

 
 
Wed 21 Jul, 2004 11:43 pm
My husband calls me a control freak,...and I guess in a way , I am. In the past, he has cheated, but will never admit to it , even now, so I have a hard time trusting him. I'm here because I have a problem. I believe that in a monogomous relationship, there's no need for certain things. I believe that there's no need for pornographic material to be in our home, especially when I'm always willing and up for just about anything. My husband strongly disagrees.He says that I'm trying to control him,...and that he sees nothing wrong with it. He claims it's entertainment. I see it as emotional cheating, especially since we hardly have a sex life. In fact, for the last 2 years, we've slept in seperate bedrooms, because he won't give up the porn. I've heard every excuse possible from him, when it comes to the cyber porn, ie."I never went there, it was a pop-up,that I immediately shut down !,""I was doing research about how to increase your libido !,"and the ever popular,..."It wasn't me!"
When I've caught him at it, I've asked why and he says, "Because it's there,...and because it's variety!"He's made numerous promises that he'll never do it again,when I've asked him to stop, but I constantly find it! He purposely gets up earlier than the rest of the family, just to do it! Does anyone know what I'm going through? Does anyone know how to convince him to stop? I love the man, but I can't sleep with him, when all I think about is, "Is he really here with me, or on a porn set with that actress with the huge breasts?" Any advice would be nice !! Thanks for reading !! Confused
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Wildflower63
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 01:14 am
I don't think this is a battle you are going to win. Your husband has made himself clear about how he feels about porn. I don't realistically see him stopping.

I don't think it is helpful to your marriage to push this issue to the point of separated bedrooms. I do see this as being controlling. I think you are going to push your husband away and he very well might cheat on you.

I think it would be healthier for you and your marriage to drop this issue and let him look at porn. It isn't like you can stop him anyway. You need to think about what is more important, your marriage or winning a battle of wills.

Just my opinion!
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DreamInTheNight
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 05:17 am
Quote:
I love the man, but I can't sleep with him, when all I think about is, "Is he really here with me, or on a porn set with that actress with the huge breasts?"
It is quite right for you to feel that way, but do you truly think that "out of sight is out of mind"? How do you know he will not be thinking of some actress in a commercial, or an ex, or some woman he passed on the street? You have no control over what he thinks or when he thinks it, so if you are worried about what he is thinking during sex then you are probably better off not bothering to sleep with him.


Quote:
I believe that there's no need for pornographic material to be in our home, especially when I'm always willing and up for just about anything. My husband strongly disagrees.He says that I'm trying to control him,...and that he sees nothing wrong with it. He claims it's entertainment. I see it as emotional cheating,
Those are your feelings and his, and neither is likely to change. Both sets of feelings are quite natural and common, from what I have heard and read here and elsewhere. You both have decided how important this issue is for yourselves and live with the consequences (separate bedrooms, lack of sex life) so I am not sure what kind of advice you are looking for.
There are some thigns you may want to consider regarding the "I am always willing and up for just about anything." statement: that may not necessarily be true.
1) If you see it as "emotional chetaing" that he looks at pictures of other women, why would you not see it as such if he is picturing you as a prostitute, cop. or something that just is not true to who you are?
2) He may also not want to see you that way. Are you sure you want the emotions he associates with pornography to be ones he has with you? Some men purposely keep certain concepts separate because they want to be married to a "good girl" but fantasize about a "bad one".
3) Some men never shake the (deep down) feeling that pornography is dirty and feel that their SOs will just see them as disgusting if they know about their men looking at porn.
4) (Opposite of 3) Some men do think that there is nothing wrong with pornography because men quite naturally do look at other women. Therefore if you are choosing to sleep apart from him and not have sex with him over something he does feel is natural and commonplace, then you are going to come across as controlling if not irrational and unreasonable.

Quote:
he has cheated, but will never admit to it , even now, so I have a hard time trusting him...I've heard every excuse possible from him, when it comes to the cyber porn, ie."I never went there, it was a pop-up,that I immediately shut down !,""I was doing research about how to increase your libido

First of all, if you believe he has cheated in the past and do not trust him then you are probably never going to trust him again.
Second of all, those are all valid excuses. I am not saying he is telling the turth, but if you use computers (especially search engines) for any length of time then you would know how true those excuses can be. Pop-up ads are quite common, and can also be the result of a download or virus that got into the computer before. I once had to switch internet browsers because something got into my computer and I could not access the internet without a full screen advertisement for the Paris Hilton video appearing. If you are researching sexual related topics you sometimes have to use the most clinical language possible or your first few pages are going to be porn sites.

I cannot think of anything else to cosnider at the moment, and I have to feed the dogs and get breakfast ready for my husband. Good luck with things.
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jespah
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 06:06 am
Since you already have trust issues, might I suggest that the porn is a red herring? You folks need counseling - if he won't go with you, go without him - to find out why it's so hard for you to trust him and why you feel the need to be this controlling (the other posters are right, you cannot control what goes on in other people's heads). And, at the same time, he needs to understand why this is so important to him, and why he continues doing it even though it makes you this unhappy.
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lab rat
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 06:22 am
Here is a "conservative Christian" perspective:
Looking at porn / "lusting after other women" is equivalent to cheating with his heart, so you are entirely justified in the way you feel. If he truly loved you, he would care about re-establishing trust and would want to show you his love by honoring your feelings, even if he sincerely doesn't believe pornography is wrong. I don't see your response as being " a control freak" at all--I see it as a natural response to hurt and an effort to protect yourself and your relationship.
I am not one to rush people into separation/divorce, but if he is not willing to attend counseling with you or show any sort of effort at controlling his sexual urges, I think an ultimatum leading to a trial separation might be the best option. (Again from a Christian perspective, pornography = cheating = adultery = Biblical grounds for divorce).
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PamO
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 07:07 am
Mommaprude, He is not EVER going to give that up. Not even if YOU were a porno star yourself. He has no respect for your feelings. He is also selfish. 2 years not in the same bed??? I'd be outta there. I have discovered that my hubby of 3 years had a porn subsrciption online and we are dealing with it currently. So I'm sort of in the same position....but my husband has done just about all he can to make me feel better, and at least acted concerned for my feelings. You aren't controlling him with this porno issue....you are letting him know how you feel about it. If he doesn't have the care and respect for your feelings enough to quit it....that's really too sad. I found my husband's subscription in Feb...I BLEW UP! He did exactly what I asked of him... immediately got the kids a separate computer (I was terrified that they would get a spam from one of those crazy sites!), he installed a firewall, and I had free reign over his area to check history, etc. Now, a few weeks ago I happened to discover that the firewall is controlled by him and that he had visited a site as recently as a week ago! I BLEW UP again...I can tell that he's trying hard to NOT go there...BUT, if in time, I find that he is still doing this...That may be it. I mean really...this is a marriage between two loving people who both look fantastic! I'm a realist...and the reality is that even when the husband says (or thinks) she does not know so it won't hurt her...NOT TRUE. Porn always hurts because where has the energy gone for our sex life? I'm up for almosst anything too! Well, I could go on and on and on.. best wishes to you and know that the problem is with HIM...not you. PS: like labrat, I also am a conservative christian, and so I totally agree with labrat.
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PamO
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 07:14 am
Oh and by the way...My husband also said that he is toatlly up for counseling if that's what I want. I said, well you'll have to discuss your porn habit, because that is our only challenge...he said "No Problem." I am very proud of him...BUT my trust is still not fully restored. As you see, these things take time and if I find it again...I'll be CRUSHED. Now I need to go for a looooong morning run because it's too early for a big glass o' wine and I'm all riled up!
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Montana
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 10:56 am
PamO. wrote:
Mommaprude, He is not EVER going to give that up. Not even if YOU were a porno star yourself. He has no respect for your feelings. He is also selfish. 2 years not in the same bed??? I'd be outta there. I have discovered that my hubby of 3 years had a porn subsrciption online and we are dealing with it currently. So I'm sort of in the same position....but my husband has done just about all he can to make me feel better, and at least acted concerned for my feelings. You aren't controlling him with this porno issue....you are letting him know how you feel about it. If he doesn't have the care and respect for your feelings enough to quit it....that's really too sad. I found my husband's subscription in Feb...I BLEW UP! He did exactly what I asked of him... immediately got the kids a separate computer (I was terrified that they would get a spam from one of those crazy sites!), he installed a firewall, and I had free reign over his area to check history, etc. Now, a few weeks ago I happened to discover that the firewall is controlled by him and that he had visited a site as recently as a week ago! I BLEW UP again...I can tell that he's trying hard to NOT go there...BUT, if in time, I find that he is still doing this...That may be it. I mean really...this is a marriage between two loving people who both look fantastic! I'm a realist...and the reality is that even when the husband says (or thinks) she does not know so it won't hurt her...NOT TRUE. Porn always hurts because where has the energy gone for our sex life? I'm up for almosst anything too! Well, I could go on and on and on.. best wishes to you and know that the problem is with HIM...not you. PS: like labrat, I also am a conservative christian, and so I totally agree with labrat.


I'm not a christian, but these are my feelings as well, since I've been there and know how it feels. I don't think you're controlling at all, but I do think your husband is totally disrespectful of your feelings. If someone is alone and without a mate, then I see nothing wrong with porn. I also see nothing wrong with it if it doesn't bother anyone, but I see everything wrong with it if it hurts the person you are suppose to love. I think it's very selfish of him to watch that nasty crap, when it obviously hurts you. I had an ex that wouldn't stop watching porn, which is the main reason why he's my ex. I know I can't live with a man who can't show me more respect than that. I honestly don't know what else to say, except that you are going to have to decide if you can live with it.
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 11:15 am
I for one will never give up corn, it's so sweet, and great on the barbecue, and the season is fast approaching for the local peaches n' cream....oh, 'porn', never mind. Just for the record, I may be the only man on earth who has no interest in porn.
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PamO
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 12:11 pm
Very clever, Cavfancier. I think that if an honest poll was taken, the majority of men would say it does not interest them. I do not think that it's normal by any standards...AND I think it's odd to read on other posts that Playboy/Penthouse is considered normal for husbands/significant others to look at. Porn is porn and will always be...I mean really, any mag or site that offers nude girls with open legs is the same silly stuff.
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 12:32 pm
One would hope that a proper poll would show that, PamO. I dunno....I went to a strip club once, taken by a friend, because I was fresh out of a really horrid relationship, and as he put it, I needed the chance to get a chick to show me her cootch for five bucks. Anyway, he bought me a beer and the table dance, and after all that I asked him "Don't you feel a little creepy?" He said "Yeah actually, we can go now." We went to an Irish pub, saw some wicked live music, and shared a few brews, and some good conversation.
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shewolfnm
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 12:36 pm
Never , ever use sex as a weapon in a relationship.
You will loose. Your marriage will loose .
Threatning someone with " I wont have sex with you until you _____ "" is useing sex as a weapon. Obviously it is not working for you.
2 years of sex as a weapon and you STILL think it is going to get your point across?
Doing what you have always done , will get you what you have always gotten.
If you want to address this issue with him, try something diffrent. I dont mean threaten him with loosing something else.. I mean try diffrent solutions. Talk, fight, go on a 'vacation' away from your home and talk about it.. do what ever. ANd yes, I did say fight. Sometimes a good fight is what you need. Fighting is not a bad thing. The bad thing about fights is that some people get out of control and do / say hurtful things. Dont go there, and your fights will be productive.
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Montana
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 12:57 pm
cavfancier wrote:
One would hope that a proper poll would show that, PamO. I dunno....I went to a strip club once, taken by a friend, because I was fresh out of a really horrid relationship, and as he put it, I needed the chance to get a chick to show me her cootch for five bucks. Anyway, he bought me a beer and the table dance, and after all that I asked him "Don't you feel a little creepy?" He said "Yeah actually, we can go now." We went to an Irish pub, saw some wicked live music, and shared a few brews, and some good conversation.


Way to go Cav. You have no idea how much I respect you for that :-D
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DreamInTheNight
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 01:01 pm
Quote:
I think that if an honest poll was taken, the majority of men would say it does not interest them. I do not think that it's normal by any standards...AND I think it's odd to read on other posts that Playboy/Penthouse is considered normal for husbands/significant others to look at. Porn is porn and will always be...I mean really, any mag or site that offers nude girls with open legs is the same silly stuff.


It is quite possible that porn does not interest the majority of men, but if you accept that then you must accept that the 49 % (or less) plus the women who look at such things provide substantial enough numbers not only to keep certain magazines/channels/etc. in business, but also as household names. If you want to talk about "normal by any standards", then you should also assume that prostitution is very normal, and more normal than porn. Not only has prostitution been a part of many societies since at least Pre-Christian Biblical times, but there areprobably more countries where it is legal then countries where it is illegal. What particular "standard" are you using when you define what is or is not "normal"? The last line of your post also shows not only do you not know the difference between a Playboy and a Penthouse magazine, but you are unaware that the Advisor sections of the former are filled with questions from women, which implies some readership among them.
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jespah
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 01:09 pm
Setting aside the value judgment of normal vs. abnormal, porn is the killer app of the 'net. That is, it's the easiest way to make big $$. Why do you think so much spam is porn-based? Why are so many sites devoted to it? It's not just deviants in back alleys who are consumers of this product. Assuredly, some of the consumers are nice, clean-cut men with families. Porn is popular. I'm not saying it's good or bad but it is popular and to my mind that means there is a demand for it.
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 01:37 pm
LMAO. Pardon any insensitivity but it seems some honesty is in order here.

1) Porn is used for masturbation 99% of the time. (If you're man is in the other 1%, he really is a freak)

2) If a man prefers masturbation to sleeping with you, you probably need a new man, though you may be able to spice things up. Single men (me) end relationships when solo-sex becomes more desirable. I don't know how married people deal with it, so I can't help you there.

3) If you succeed in stopping a man from masturbating, but fail to please him sexually, he will cheat (notice I didn't say might). A happy, healthy man is a selfish creature who is going to orgasm pretty much every day of his life at least once. Decide if you'd like to be there or not.

Conclusion: Decide if you are:

A) Willing to do whatever it will take to satisfy him sexually (is he worth it?).

B) Willing to throw away your marriage if you are not.

C) Are you quite sure it wouldn't be better to just pretend on this one? Idea
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 01:41 pm
Note that Bill mentioned he is unmarried. Wink
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 01:47 pm
Montana wrote:
Way to go Cav. You have no idea how much I respect you for that :-D
Laughing

Next he's gonna tell you about the time he nursed a squirrel back to health.
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 02:01 pm
<uh oh...quiet Bill, the squirrel will be upset>
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Montana
 
  1  
Thu 22 Jul, 2004 02:35 pm
OCCOM BILL wrote:
LMAO. Pardon any insensitivity but it seems some honesty is in order here.

1) Porn is used for masturbation 99% of the time. (If you're man is in the other 1%, he really is a freak)

2) If a man prefers masturbation to sleeping with you, you probably need a new man, though you may be able to spice things up. Single men (me) end relationships when solo-sex becomes more desirable. I don't know how married people deal with it, so I can't help you there.

3) If you succeed in stopping a man from masturbating, but fail to please him sexually, he will cheat (notice I didn't say might). A happy, healthy man is a selfish creature who is going to orgasm pretty much every day of his life at least once. Decide if you'd like to be there or not.

Conclusion: Decide if you are:

A) Willing to do whatever it will take to satisfy him sexually (is he worth it?).

B) Willing to throw away your marriage if you are not.

C) Are you quite sure it wouldn't be better to just pretend on this one? Idea


Bill
This truly isn't anything to laugh about. I know that a huge amount of people think this is not even worth mentioning, but as someone who has been a victim to this, I promise you that it is very painful for those of us who don't think it's normal. When two people love eachother, it should be enough and if it's not, then there's something wrong somewhere. Any man of mine that has to look elsewhere for his sexual desires would have the door hitting him in the ass on the way out.

I've got nothing against pigs, but you won't catch me living with them.
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