My husband won't give up porn !!

Nomatter what sex the spouse may be, this is definitely something that should be discussed before committing to marriage. However, often people aren't aware of the situation until they're already married. Some people like porn and have no problem with it. Others are offended/threatened by it. Sounds like you two are on opposite ends of the spectrum with this one. He's not going to change any more than you are. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry.

And, Bill, if you knew how many married women I know who have someone on the side because their husband isn't the greatest in bed, you'd probably be surprised. It's not just guys. Women are as easily sexually bored as men are and just as likely to cheat to spice things up.

I'm not saying that makes it right, but it's not just guys, believe me.

I might add that women propbably get sexually frustrated and bored even more than men. They just don't talk about it as much, with their partners.

Montana, I hear you. And you're entitled to your opinion. But I don't see it that way. I know my man looks at some porn, not often and not at home, at least I haven't seen him do that. I don't explore his internet history and don't really care. Surely if he did it daily and in front of me, I'd feel different, I'd be offended, but occasional porn seems to be normal. At least most guys I know admit to it, some women too (they won't confess so readily even if they look). My man chose to live with me and loves me. I will take the occasional porn sighting over real cheating any minute. It's a fantasy world, men AND women have been known to gaze at nudity since the beginning of time. I know I am curious, too - doesn't mean I would ever consider cheating. Dunno. Simply it doesn't bother me one bit. But then again, our sex life is quite healthy, ahem, if I may say so myself. What is never helpful though is mistruft, snooping behind one's back, searching for evidence and imagining catastrophic scenarios based on speculation.

Yeah, I know. I just wanted to explain to him that it's a delicate matter ;-)

I'm not sure if it was this thread or another thread where I mentioned that I didn't see anything wrong with it as long as no one is getting hurt, so I'm not judging people who enjoy it as long as it's not hurting anyone else. I envy you and wish I felt the same way, but since I don't, I've been hurt terribly by it in the past and it's just not acceptable to me and obviously our poster. Some people say that she can't change him, but if porn means more to him than his wife, then that's a huge problem.

Montana, darling, we are not so far apart on this issue. We agree that we're gone if the sex isn't up to par, eh? It's been my experience that masturbation takes away from sex, so I mostly avoid it while in committed relationships... or even in anticipation of some serious sex. Lady toys can be just as detrimental because sensitivity inevitably goes down as their use increases. While I won't judge anyone for their sexual habits or preferences, I prefer the old fashion methods myself... though I do like to be spoiled in the morning. :wink: The funny part was not sharing a bedroom in two years and wondering why he won't give up the porn. To say the least; I think a more proactive solution might yield better results.

SuzyZCue, you must have me confused with some other hick. Having spent half of my life managing an office environment, I am only too aware of how often ladies stray and why. How do you think I got so smart? :wink:

You've got to be kidding.

You want to find out about what your lady really thinks, kicky, bang their girlfriends, you'll hear plenty.

Sorry, Bill, but hicks just aren't part of my social circle. I've never even seen the inside of a trailer (thank God.)

Kickycan, I think women just keep cheating to themselves and don't do the "locker room talk" thing like men do, so people tend to not think of female cheating as being so mainstream. But it is.

Bill
I'm glad you feel that way. My ex's masterbation interfered with our sex life BIG TIME and that hurt more than anything. It wasn't that we were not having plenty of sex either, but when we did, it was a struggle for him, since he obviously already took care of business how ever many times earlier. He had no problem with getting it up, but you can't squeeze water out of a dry well. Pissed me right off! I'm sure the women in your life appreciate you saving it all for them :-D

Funny you should mention mornings as I'm a morning person as well ;-)

I'm with jespah and O'Bill. Porn is not the only problem, and most likely not the primary problem either in this marriage, mommaprude. Separate bedrooms, lack of communication, suspicion... That needs helping too.

Montana, trust doesn't come as a given (at least for me it didn't). I had to learn and re-learn (and re-learn). I was quite jealous and suspicious in the past. And hurt once or twice, which always makes it more difficult. Although not by porn in any way - so I can't really judge from there. But there came a point when I was just tired by all the energy I poured into it and decided I had more valuable things to do with my time. But again, I never had any serious problems of a violent nature or anything of the sort. It was more in my head.

"all the energy I poured into it and decided" - 'it' being snooping around looking for evidence... just to clarify...

I never did any snooping, but I caught him several times and found porn tapes as I was cleaning. He use to call me at work all the time asking when I was coming home. He said it was because he missed me, but the truth was that he didn't want to get caught. When I finally ended it and asked him to leave, of course the only thing he left behind was all the many hidden porn tapes that I stumbled upon one by one when I was packing for our move to Canada. It truly made me sick and to this day, I have a hard time trusting because of it.
At least my ex before my last ex was smart enough not to let me catch him and it did not effect our sex life, but of course he couldn't resist leaving behind all his dirty magazines for me to find for that ultimate final slap in the face.

hm, that's a different cup of coffee. i'd be upset too.

Yeah. This subject hits home with me.

Dreaminthe night, I've just read your two cents...I'm not as ignorant as you think. I live in probably the seediest part of this city...very well known for all kinds of prostitution...I know a lot about exploitation of both sexes... I can see it from ny balcony and windows at all hours of the day and night. It is simply my opinion that any outlet featuring girls nude in various sexual positions is porn. I know that its a huge money maker, I know that women use it too, I know that some people think it's normal in a relationship, I know that it breaks up relationshps, I know that most of the girls are posing willingly, I know that some are not...I could go on and on and on. What's the point? The author of this thread obviously has a challenge with it in her life and I think she has received some great advice.

PamO., I just find it strange that the porn is the issue. Especially when the porn may just be a symptom of greater problems. I cannot imagine letting it slide if my spouse cheated on me but being intolerant of porn or some other sexual-related hobby. If her spouse has cheated on her before then there are obviously bigger issues of trust and fidelity than porn.
I also noticed that these situations usually involve some ultimatum given by that a wife gives her husband that he has to follow or else he is considered to be choosing something else over here. It strikes me as controlling and does not seem to be in the spirit of compromise that I assumed marriage in the U.S. was supposed to be about.

An example: I know a Conservative Christian family, the wife is from the South and the husband is the son of German/Italian immigrants. The wife had believe for the better part of fifty years that sex is a husband's right and that a husband cannot rape his own wife. She does not have much desire for sex, but gives him sex anytime he wants it. If she stopped sleeping with him everytime he wanted to (possibly contradicting both of their beliefs) would you (or anyone else) be as quick to say she is choosing her own needs over him and the marriage? That she is wrong for not gving in to his demands and the way he thinks (has been brought up) things ought to be?

I am not saying the advice given here is bad, but there seems to be this overall feeling that he will be a changed person and everything will be fine if he gives up his interest, despite the fact that whatever fuels his interest would still be there. I also have to wonder that if she was doing something that threatened her husband felt threatened by (having male friends, being friends with an ex, doing things exclusively with her girlfriends) if she would be told that if she loved him she would give up those things.

Those are my 2 cents.

I think that the porn is more than enough reason for her to feel the way she does. I know it was more than enough for me.

Let's keep focus on the fact that an occasional visit to a peeler joint with the guys, or a little self-pleasure once in a while is not the same as someone with an unhealthy, constant, obsessive urge to view and collect porn. That's a simple addiction, like all others.

I have to concede one point that Dream made regarding women and ultimatums. I once dated someone who, because I spent a fair bit of time on the computer, joked that I was surfing porn all day. Well, seeing as that was completely false, I laughed. After hearing this supposed 'joke' oh, 10, 20 times, I got irked. I said, "Look, I'm not surfing porn, and you can check my Internet cache and e-mails if you want. However, if you keep slapping me over the head with this tired joke, I might just go surf some porn, just to fulfill this ridiculous fantasy of yours." Anyway, that was the end of that, never heard about it again while we were together.