I need some advice/guidance

I wish every kid/teen that comes on here posting they want to contact a birth parent could be directed to this thread.

That way, they could begin to see how complicated it is.

1 Reply

@Finn dAbuzz,

Thanks Finn.

I feel bad for those kids who find out later in life. It has to feel like something shameful since it had been kept a secret for so long.

I think you're right -- it seems harder for girls. From what I read, the desire to know gets intense as women enter their childbearing years. From experience, I know my sister got crazy trying to learn about her husband's birth family when she was pregnant with my nephew. Her husband had absolutely no interest at all. While she never found his birth parents she did find out some truly awful information and then she was forced to decide to share it or keep it a secret. As far as I know, he never asked and she never told.

Aunt is his other mom's great aunt, by marriage. She's far from perfect but she's the only one who makes any effort to keep in contact with him so I've learned to live with it. Sometimes I think she keeps contact to make herself feel important (I don't really know how to describe it) instead of any real concern for him. I think she shared the photos and information with him for the same reason; not maliciously, but for some need of her own.

It's a messed up family. They hate Mo's father and wouldn't allow other mom or Mo into their house. When other mom left Mo's other dad, and left Mo with us, she was welcomed back into the family. The girls, who have a different father, have always been welcome.

It's hard to explain all this to Mo without making them sound like assholes. Mo was an innocent bystander in their madness.

2 Replies

That's too bad.

Sounds like bad timing, too. The later girls were accepted, but Mo was not. Could be just because of circumstances and the time .

It's OK for Mo to know that those people are assholes, or at least acted like ones. But maybe they had a reason for not wanting to accept the birth father and mother. Maybe a child was just too much for them to handle. Until the whole story is told, no one will ever really know.

Compassion, not forgiveness, needs to be fostered on Mo's part. He is entering those teen angst years now and hopefully, he can get through them. Teens are so self centered that often they can't see others clearly.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

I wish every kid/teen that comes on here posting they want to contact
a birth parent could be directed to this thread.

That way, they could begin to see how complicated it is.

To what extent does straight logic
influence emotions ?

1 Reply

@boomerang,

Is Mo 's natural father completely out of the picture ?

1 Reply

@boomerang,

It is a mess, but how many kids are put up for adoption because their wonderful and well-adjusted birth-parents were abducted by aliens? It's heart-breaking that there are still so many of them who will never be adopted, because of their age or a disability. They endure the mess only to end up bouncing around from one foster home to another.

Some day Mo's going to realize how lucky he was being spared from it despite the emotional baggage that's unavoidable for a kid who is "rejected" by his birth-mother. My son had a moment of clarity one night when we were watching a movie where one of the main characters was a kid who bounced around the foster-care system. It was very emotional and very touching.

It seems pretty clear you have no intention of explicitly telling your son what assholes these people are, but I wouldn't worry about him figuring that out by what you tell him. You don't have to tear them down, but you sure don't have to build them up into something they're not. Being honest, without rancor, seems to me the best course to follow.

Gosh, you want to protect your kids from all the crap in the world, but that's an impossible task. The biggest mistakes my wife and I have made with our three kids have involved trying to protect them too much; including from the consequences of their own stupid decisions.

2 Replies

@Finn dAbuzz,

Finn dAbuzz wrote:

It is a mess, but how many kids are put up for adoption because their wonderful and well-adjusted birth-parents were abducted by aliens?

Bravo!

0 Replies

@Finn dAbuzz,

Quote:

It is a mess, but how many kids are put up for adoption because their wonderful and well-adjusted birth-parents were abducted by aliens?

To be fair, a lot of really wonderful women gave their children up for adoption in the days before abortion was legal. Even though it was legal by the time I got to high school I remember several girls who "went to live with their aunt" for a year who came back a shell of the girl they were before. These were girls from "nice" families, Catholic girls, etc. A lot of girls are opposed to abortion still and they place their kids for adoption.

Interesting about the movie. Mo won't watch a lot of movies -- Harry Potter, for example -- about kids that don't have parents. I hope someday that something speaks to him like with your son.

He knows a bit about their assholiness. He knows I don't like them much and why I don't like them much. He knows that I promised his other mom that he would NEVER meet his maternal grandparents if I could prevent it. He knows a little bit about why.

I fully agree that you can't protect them from all the crap that's out there. There's a lot of crap. I can protect him from some of it.

3 Replies

@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

chai2 wrote:
I wish every kid/teen that comes on here posting they want to contact
a birth parent could be directed to this thread.

That way, they could begin to see how complicated it is.
To what extent does straight logic
influence emotions ?

Well, I don't have the data on that David.

However, this might be some practice of getting some straight talk to some people who are used to getting what they want by saying things like "but that's not fair!", "but I'm SURE they would want to see me"

Thing is, from what can tell, 99% of the time when teens say "that's not fair" all it means is "I don't like that" or "That's not what I want"

Anyway.....

All I know about Mo's birth mom is what boomer has shared over the years. I can't remember particulars but obviously the woman has had problems, but then again, who hasn't? Having had my own life with my own issues, mistakes made, where I want to be now (which is right where I am), and where I want to be in the future, I just so get the birth mom on this particular thing, and can't bring myself to feel negative about her lack of response.

What the aunt did sucks, but it's done.

Maybe Mo can't understand this now, but it's nothing negative against him if she wants nothing to do with him.
Then again, there's nothing negative to me about the fact she wants nothing to do with him.
If I had a child I gave up to adoption, I would want nothing to do with them. That wouldn't make them, or me, a bad person.

0 Replies

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Quote:
It is a mess, but how many kids are put up for adoption because their wonderful and well-adjusted birth-parents were abducted by aliens?

To be fair, a lot of really wonderful women gave their children up for adoption in the days before abortion was legal. Even though it was legal by the time I got to high school I remember several girls who "went to live with their aunt" for a year who came back a shell of the girl they were before. These were girls from "nice" families, Catholic girls, etc. A lot of girls are opposed to abortion still and they place their kids for adoption.

Agreed, and I'm sure there are wonderful women who still do. I over generalized.

0 Replies

@boomerang,

Oh boomer, I am so sorry that Mo has to go through this at this age when he's barely a teenager and has so many other things in his life - puberty being one of them.

I am afraid, it doesn't get easier though. When Jane turned 18 (can you believe it?) she was determined to find her bio family. I was very apprehensive, but ultimately supported her decision. I called social services and the woman who helped me, was the same one who handled the adoption placement for us, way back when - talk about coincidence!! Jane sent a letter to her 4 half siblings and her bio mom through social services and any reply was to go to them as well.

Months went by and we didn't hear anything . Jane was disappointed, needless to say. Then after Christmas, we received a letter from social services: one of Jane's half sisters replied and the letter was forwarded to us. Jane was so excited, she immediately sent an email to sister A. They exchanged pictures and notes. Sister A was adopted together with sister B by a family who was known to bio parents. Sister C was adopted by relatives of adoptive parents and all three sisters grew up together, yet neither had any information of their brother. These siblings shared the same bio parents, Jane only bio mom.

It was aparent from the beginning that they all grew up in a poor part of town and they had their troubles with school, peers and partners. Two of the sisters have had kids of their own before they turned 20 (they're now 21, 22, and 24). None of them are still together with their kids father and it seems they have trouble holding down a decent job or relationship.

I could see all that very clearly, but Jane was just so excited to finally have found bio family, she did not care. Then the first meeting took place and
I think Jane realized that they are indeed worlds apart (I was not present) and that they have very little in common. She hasn't seen them since and even though they encourage her to come and visit, she has declined. I think Jane realized that a biological connection is not necessarily enough to sustain a relationship.

Her bio mom never responded to her letter, she never responded to the other sisters either - who at one point knew where she lived and contacted her.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

Anyway, I think Mo is too young yet to be confronted with bio mom and possible heartache resulting from her not responding to him. If it were me, I would tell him a white lie that he has to wait until he's 18 years old to contact his bio mom. It was a deal that had been decided during the adoption process and both parties have to honor this decision.

This is simply to protect him from a heartache he does not understand yet, and probably won't when he's 18 either, but at least he has more maturity to handle it then.

I also would not let Auntie XX off the hook, she should get an earful for her blabber mouth. She did not act maliciously, but she didn't think either which is just as bad in my book.

2 Replies

It's too late in the evening for me to respond, but tomorrow I drop in and explain some personal issues.

0 Replies

@CalamityJane,

Quote:

If it were me, I would tell him a white lie that he has to wait until he's 18 years old to contact his bio mom.

it is a little late to change tact now.....

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Quote:

If it were me, I would tell him a white lie
that he has to wait until he's 18 years old to contact his bio mom.

hawkeye10 wrote:

it is a little late to change tact now.....

OBVIOUSLY, it is.
Mo is not stupid.
He'd know that if that had been true,
then he 'd have been informed of it
before any earnest consideration of establishing contact,
and boomer wud then lose his confidence.
IF she did that then he 'd know that she lies to him, when convenient.

It wud cast doubt over everything that she has ever told him.

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@CalamityJane,

CalamityJane wrote:

Anyway, I think Mo is too young yet to be confronted with bio mom and possible heartache resulting from her not responding to him. If it were me, I would tell him a white lie that he has to wait until he's 18 years old to contact his bio mom. It was a deal that had been decided during the adoption process and both parties have to honor this decision.

This is simply to protect him from a heartache he does not understand yet, and probably won't when he's 18 either, but at least he has more maturity to handle it then.

I also would not let Auntie XX off the hook, she should get an earful for her blabber mouth. She did not act maliciously, but she didn't think either which is just as bad in my book.

Your advocacy of mendacity
says something about YOU.

0 Replies

@CalamityJane,

CJane! So good to see you. I can't believe Little Jane is 18! Time flies.

Thanks for sharing her reunion experience. I think this is what Chai is talking about -- there is a big difference between expectation and reality. A lot of first parents just don't want contact. When opening records was up for vote here several years ago there were as many first parents who opposed it as supported it.

I can't really lie to Mo about it as he's set to meet his other father sometime this summer. I had a thread about it here: http://able2know.org/topic/240694-1. The way his other dad's sister handled it was SO MUCH better. The reunion still hasn't taken place and I'm not sure why. Other dad doesn't live in town, Good Aunt has been traveling a lot, Mo hasn't mentioned it -- I'm just sitting tight.

I'm really not opposed to him meeting either of them I just wish things had gone down differently on this side of the equation. Aunt was insensitive to everyone involved.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Thanks for sharing her reunion experience. I think this is what Chai is talking about -- there is a big difference between expectation and reality.

Thanks boomer, this is a big part of what I meant.

It's not like on reality TV where the parties get together and they live in similar circumstances, are able to have compatible conversations etc. At least Janes daughter was able to see that this wasn't going to work out after seeing some of the family.

I do have to say though, I can imagine the pain, and yes, Anger the birth parent felt when confronted with the fact that the child/adult child has been in contact with other family members of hers. Reopening old wounds, potentially getting her current living situation in a royal **** up (things that her family haven't talked about for years suddenly get leaked to the womans current family/friends.

I don't know. Beyond this being a stupendous invasion of someone's privacy, I'm annoyed at the (albeit somewhat reasonable) thoughts of the child/adult child, i.e. "She didn't want me. What's wrong with me?"

Yep. Bottom line, she didn't want me. But the people that raised me obviously did. Nothing's wrong with me except the expectation that everyone is going to like and appreciate me.

The closure in all this is that I ended up with people who wanted me. Rather than running though the mish mash of possible circumstances over and over, where the rubber meets the road, I was raised by people who did want me.

2 Replies

@chai2,

You never hear the unhappy reunion stories unless you happen across them on adoption forums or from someone you know. They aren't news. They're "dog bites man", not "man bites dog". That alone should tell us something.

When they opened all the adoption records here I was friends with two sisters who had been adopted from different birth families. They went in search of their mothers. One said "I've been waiting for you to call!" and the other said "What in the hell do you want?" It was pretty awful. It made me realize this was complicated -- and this was years and years before Mo was even born. It's been in the back of my mind since the day Mo came to live with us....

0 Replies

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

The closure in all this is that I ended up with people who wanted me.
Rather than running though the mish mash of possible circumstances over and over,
where the rubber meets the road, I was raised by people who did want me.

Among the component elements of human nature,
is a deeply abiding CURIOSITY regarding matters of personal interest.
That can span a lifetime and be an obsessive, heavy emotional burden.
I had something of an (non-parental) experience of that, lasting many years.
I 'm glad THAT 's behind me, tho it ended in rejection.
That has the potential to abide in your mind for ever.
Its not comfortable.

David

1 Reply

I need some advice/guidance

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