I need some advice/guidance

I really think you should do NOTHING.

This woman sounds like she cannot/is not willing to parent ANY children, and Mo is not different from the other birth children. Does she have issues?

It is difficult to accept that someone does not care about you. Mo is going to have to learn that there are some people who are incapable of being able to care for someone else. When that "someone" is a baby, the best thing is to get the baby in a safe place. That is what she did. He will learn, later, to appreciate that. He will also learn, through friends and getting out in the world, that there are women and men who just can't parent and the most loving thing that they can do is to be sure their child is in a safe place. That is with you and your husband.

There will be a lot of emotions coming out. Watch for anger now - from the rejection.

One would think that all this could be resolved if only she would come forward and explain things, but I doubt if she can ever do that. She would have reached out a long time ago if she could have.

I think you have several years of posts to read on this.

Your hostility to birth mother may have been right at some point, but you have no right for that take years later, re your assumptions.

I am trying to be realistic, not hostile.

Time is a great revealer, isn't it?

For what it's worth punkey, I don't think what you said was hostile. Like you said, just being realistic.

Then again, I'm the one who gets called bitter, aggressive etc here when I just lay it on the line.

I know that boomer has her plans for the future as far as Mo should meet various family members, and that's cool. I'm trying to address my responses knowing from her past posts what she is aiming for.

Personally though, I'm with you.

Doing nothing is not an option, though. Mo seems well able to contact her by Facebook (I think), so it's more a matter of preparing him and her, and directing that contact.

help Mo work out how he's going to do this - because he will

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a few years ago, my best friend MY1 and her husband RY and their daughter MY 2 and their son MY3 all got messages on facebook from a very young woman asking if they knew XY. Well they did - XY is RY's oldest brother - and unbeknownst to him at that time - the father of the young woman. She'd gone through her mother's papers, found her father's name and started crawling through facebook and sending messages to hundreds of people with the same last name. She didn't talk to her mother about it - just got to work tracking down her father so she could contact him. No one had any idea of what bomb was about to go off.

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Be glad that Mo even told you about the conversation - and hopefully will let you guide him through the process.

If possible, let bioMom know asap what's about to go down.

So Aunt just called me.

After telling Mo that she would call and talk to his other mom, she called me today to tell me she chickened out -- that she called her but couldn't bring herself to tell her.

She essentially washed her hands of it after putting it all in motion.

Doing nothing is not an option at this point.

Yes, she has some issues.

The fact that she wasn't a good parent doesn't make her a bad person.

You're exactly right. The wheels are already in motion.

He's already found her on Facebook. Aunt gave him other mom's new married name and he started looking. It only took a few minutes. She had photos of the girls posted on a public area of her page and since Aunt had just shown him photos there wasn't any doubt.

She still hasn't responded to my friend request and she might never respond to it. If she doesn't I'll just tell Mo that she is ready and he'll have to live with that.

is? or isn't?

Have you sent her a private message on facebook? you can do that without her responding to your friend request (you may know that but it just came up with a real-life friend).

Oh, that's just swell, isn't it.

Yes, isn't is the right word. I'm a little rattled after that phone call.

I saw that I could send her a message but I thought that seemed intrusive.

Now that I think about it though, she might not want to "friend" me and I get that she probably wants to keep things private for a reason.

Would it be odd to send her a message asking if it was okay to send a message or should I just send the message that I've already written?

I thought that might have been the case.

I think you need to let her know that Mo will be trying to contact her. Tiptoeing around it isn't going to stop it from happening.

On the upside (?) she hasn't blocked either of you yet. She may not have considered that Mo is old enough to have a FB account and be looking for her.

How about if I send the note I wrote via message but amend it to say that she shouldn't feel compelled to accept my friend request?

I'd consider rephrasing this - there are simply no guarantees you can put the brakes on

yeah - that's a good amendment

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I often send messages to people (usually a dance world thing) without sending a friend request - after some discussion, one of us will send a friend request

"try to put the brakes on"

Would that work?

The fact that Aunt couldn't bring it up to her makes me think this isn't going to be a good time.

I think I've prepared Mo for such an event but always insisting that it's a two way street.

maybe " try to slow the process down " ?