I need some advice/guidance

He probably shud not have gone
where he was un-wanted; yes ??

I don't think so but I'll take a second look. There were just some photos a button that said "Send a friend request" and another that said "Send a message". I clicked both and sent my prepared message. A box popped up and said since I wasn't her friend that the message would go to an "other" box.

The message I sent did say "if I don't hear from you, that's fine and I'll understand" so I'm going to go on the assumption that she did get it and isn't ready for contact for now. I'll mention it to Aunt next time she calls.

What a sad story, glitterbag. To me it's unimaginable that your ex could be so stubborn for 28 years and then contact your son as if nothing had happened. Good for your son for clearly stating what he wanted.



That's the heartbreaking thing, isn't it?

As Butrflynet's story showed, there are lots of good reasons, compassionate reasons, why this happens sometimes. The heartbreak can happen on either side.

I have a couple of concerns and I sympathize with your position. The first concern is there is a very, very real likelihood that she will reject his friend request. I think that would be devastating. The second is that if she accepts his request, he is going to see insights into her everyday life that are going to cause him continuous turmoil. Vacation pictures, off the wall thoughts, "likes" on other people's comments, maybe political opinions, etc. What if he sees she hates Obama or is a homophobe or likes Justin Beiber or just got a PS4 or likes to post duck face selfies? For the few children I have friended on FB (family members), I keep them in a very tightly controlled group and in general only post things I would be ok with my mother, boss and children seeing anyway. I find that I am rare in being that reserved on social media.

I would say to Mo that adults generally do not friend children due to privacy concerns and that sending a friend request would put other mom in a very uncomfortable position. You probably need to expand on that somewhat and maybe suggest that it would be more appropriate in a few years. It would be great if other mom either made her page more private (so the pictures of the girls are not widely visible) or added a picture of Mo to those of the girls but I don't know if you have a access or relationship to be able to suggest that. Maybe that is one way the aunt who started all of this could help.

****.

I haven't even considered that kind of turmoil yet.

I'm feeling positively homicidal towards Aunt right now.

We're going away for the weekend. I'm thinking it will be a great time to talk all of this out. I hope so anyway...

Yea, Hawkeye, but we can handle the facts, the social dynamics,
that r presently available to us, for as long as their availability
actually continues. In this particular case, Mo has it within
his ability to go over there, raise his hand in a friendly wave,
and say: "Hi, Mom! How are u doing? What 's new?" if so he chooses.

I can think of an ex-cousin-in-law, George, who was possessed
by remorse for the rest of his life, for failure to have identified
and contacted his birth mother. He moaned about it
at birthday & holiday family gatherings, for years n decades.
At the time, I shared a similar plight, in regard to a girl
with whom I was obsessed, but with whom I 'd lost contact.
It sure felt better when I had my issue resolved (tho I was rejected),
but George never got the satisfaction of resolution.
As he entered the later stages of his life,
presumably his birth mom had ex-carnated of old age.

Too ofen, I 've learned that: "he who hesitates is lost." Risky.
I wish that I had resolved my obsession a lot sooner than I did.
I went thru a lot of un-necessary emotional discomfort.
All I needed to do was to hire a private detective
a lot sooner than I did.

This thread has been on my mind today, which is strange because I have been married to my wife for almost 30 years and so far as I know all of "my" kids are biologically mine.

I think bio mom owes nothing to Mo now, and that nothing should be expected from her. This is a teaching moment as to what makes a family. Boomer should do no more re reaching out to bio mom, this is all about MO.

No he should not have been there, I had little say since the visits were court sanctioned. Plus, I didn't know every thing that was happening, my son knew I would raise hell, so he was worried about his own well being if I criticized his dad. We took little GB to Disney World when he was about 10, when he was picked up after that vacation, his father asked him if he had a good time, he started telling his dad a little about the trip, but his Dad told him that his poor siblings considered a trip to Mac Donald's a big treat, and how little GB was over privileged, and what a burden it was to send $25 a week for him. Back then, $25 bucks didn't pay for his dads cigarettes, let along booze. It's a long story, it pisses me off because of the limited resources available legally for my son.

Since he tried to shoot me in the face the night before I left, I choose to never ask for additional child support, even when I was paying $65 a week. I decided staying alive was more important than going back to court. I could write pages about the harassment I endured because of him. He would wait until the lights were turned off around 10 when I tried to go to sleep, and just as the lights went out, somebody would start banging on the aluminum siding. I was in a constant state of fear.

Yeah, I know, I probably deserved it because I decided I didn't want to beaten into a pulp, every so often. But that was my life for four years until my Dad started to suspect something was very, very wrong. It's over now, but I have learned a lot how women get get groomed by an abuser. I thought I was too strong, to allow such degradation. Well I made a poor choice the first time, but I didn't ever compromise after that just to have a male around, I thought I would never marry again, but then I met my husband. We've been married 35 years, and he has been a wonderful dad and granddad, and a terrific husband. I consider myself very blessed.

Unless Mo is chomping at the bit, I'd - again I repeat - do nothing.

This is most likely a can of worms.

If you must, a phone call would be best just announcing that Mo is interested in seeing her and would that be OK. She may want nothing to do with all this.

PS - we got to calling my nephews birth mother by her first name. Calling her "Sandra" instead of "mom" helped him be the one in control.

Same here. This is a tough parenting challenge.

This is my thought as well. I worry that Mo is going to come out on the losing end of this no matter how it plays out. I really hope you can get something positive out of this to make up for the angst.

Yeah. I'm done.

If she checks her Facebook at all she knows I'm trying to get in touch with her since I sent a friend request. She didn't acknowledge that so I'm thinking she doesn't want contact. I'm not going to push her on it. The message is there even if she hasn't found it yet.

I know Mo is thinking about it. I saw a thing he posted on HIS Facebook that said "Blood is what makes you relatives, loyalty is what makes you family."

I think he's bothered that I'm angry with Aunt so I'm letting that anger go.

I think I've done a good job over the years of helping him understand that she took steps to make sure he was loved and well cared for and that now she is entitled to her privacy.

Honestly, I'm lucky. Our situation is much easier to explain than something like what Punkey had to deal with.

All of this exists out in the wild now and the only control I have over it is how I chose to help Mo through it. I might try to bump into my fellow adoptive parent/friendly neighborhood psychiatrist. At the very least she can point us towards a professional disinterested third party for Mo to talk to if he wants/needs to.

I like the first name idea but unfortunately other mom and good aunt have the same name. Since we see good aunt all the time we would have to start distinguishing which one we were talking about making it to where we had to talk about other mom a lot more often.

as it's gone to the "other" folder there is a reasonable chance she will never see it if no one tells her it is there (the folder and the message)

you pretty much have to assume she hasn't seen it.

same thing with the friend request - you can't assume she's seen it - if enough stuff is going on with your FB page, those friend requests are buried quickly

I guess I'm going to have to live with that doubt.

If I send a message saying "if I don't hear from you, I won't contact you" and following that up by trying to contact her in other ways, I'm not being true to my word.

Aunt knows I've sent something. Maybe she'll mention it to OM if she's not too chicken.

I agree with you--OM may be considering all of the possible ramifications of establishing contact with Mo, including how it might affect his life if she did so, and how it would affect him if she declined to do so, in addition to how it might affect her . Maybe she's unsure of what to do, maybe she doesn't want to be pressured into making a decision about this right now, one way or the other. She's not the one who provoked any of this, the Aunt did, so OM's suddenly been thrust into a situation she might not have been ready for, and that she needs to put on a back burner while she mulls it over in her own mind, before responding in any way. And even a week might not be long enough for her to come to any sort of decision.

I'm not sure that her lack of response indicates either disinterest or unwillingness about establishing contact with Mo--it may mean she's in a state of conflict about it, or that she never saw boomer's message or friend request.

As you pointed out, it would probably be better if Mo were 15 before becoming involved with something of this nature, that could be potentially emotionally disruptive for him, particularly at 13, and I agree with you about that too. So maybe it's for the best if she doesn't respond at all right now. Delaying a response is also a way of buying time. Maybe no response is OM's way of putting the brakes on this situation without having to make a clear decision.

I think it's important to help Mo not see her lack of response as rejection of him, or disinterest in him, because it may not be that--no response is simply ambiguous--and it's not clear how that ambiguity should be interpreted, and it could be just as painful and damaging for Mo to misinterpret its significance. He has to be helped to be patient right now, until some sort of clear response comes from OM, however long that takes. It's not an urgent situation that has to be resolved one way or the other ASAP, and if Aunt hadn't created this mess, no one would be feeling pressured right now.

Mo has to be patient, something that is difficult for any 13 year old. But he also knows what it's like to feel pressured about making a decision you might not be ready to make just yet, or just feel unsure about making right this minute, so that should help him be patient and to see the need for not pressuring OM any more right now. And boomer is a great mom, who'll help him with that. Eventually, I think OM will send out a clearer message, in some way or the other, about when, and how, and if, she wants to have contact with Mo. Until then, I think everyone should just patiently sit tight.

I really hope this all gets resolved in the best possible way, for everyone involved. I feel for boomer, and the stress for her that was generated by what the Aunt did. She's someone I greatly admire, and I know that she'll find the best way to navigate this very difficult situation.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, firefly.

I hope you know you have always had my vote. I think you are a terrific person, and you and Mo are very lucky to have each other in your lives.

I know.

((Hug))

I think you've handled this just about as well as it could have been handled. I’m very impressed.

I think I told you in a prior thread that I'm an adoptive parent as well and, thankfully, we never had to deal with something like this, but it is precisely why we decided to tell our son from the very beginning that he was adopted. The chance of someone thoughtlessly blurting something out would have hung over our heads always and been a source of constant anxiety, not to mention how it would have affected him to get a shock like that.

As every adoptive parent knows, it’s a tough decision, because there's a part of you that says "We know we couldn't love him more, why does he need to know?" You'd love to be able to spare the confusion and sense of rejection that I think they all go through to one extent or the other. The idea of him having the rug pulled out from under him in one fell swoop, though, just seemed the far worse situation.

Of course we didn't sit him down at age 2 and tell him "You know son, your adopted," we just allowed it to come out as naturally and as matter-of-factly as possible right from day one, so that, to him it would always be something he knew without ever really knowing how he did.

In any case, up to this point I don't think you could have handled it any better, including the way you've dealt with his Aunt. I don't think I could have resisted giving her a piece of my mind, but it wouldn't have helped anything other than perhaps your mood, so you definitely made the right call.

At this point I think you have to assume the birth-mother is not interested in connecting with Mo, and so my advice it for you to have a discussion with him now. Based on what you told us he's said, I don't think there any possibility that this is just going to fade away with time. I'm not going to bother suggesting what you should say to him, because I really have no doubt you’ll know the right thing to say.

Obviously there's no guarantee that he won't try and contact her via FB, and there's no telling how she'll respond. It's likely she won't accept contact, but there's got to be something different about her being contacted by him as opposed to you. Maybe it won't make a difference but it could. If it doesn't, and she “rejects” him, you can only be there for him if he gets upset and wants to talk about it. I'm sure he's very comfortable talking to you, but 13 year olds are unpredictable. You'll just have to play it out as it develops. Considering how well you've handled the original curve-ball, I feel certain you handle any other development equally well.

You might want to send her one more FB note in regards to what someone (I think it was engineer) suggested, asking her to do you and Mo a favor and restrict sight of her photos to only people who she has accepted as a "friend." It's a setting she can make and will then be far less tempting for Mo to visit her FB page to check out "family photos" that might upset him. It's no big deal from a FB standpoint and it's not too much to ask of her. (Frankly, it's the smart thing to do for anyone with a FB account. Who wants strangers looking at all of your family photos?)

Hopefully the Aunt now realizes she needs to be more circumspect in regards to what she say about her sister (Mo's birth-mother?) when she's around Mo. That's not too much to ask her either.

I'm sure you realize that this may not be the last "crisis" that arises around this topic, but the bottom line will always be how loved Mo feels by you and his father. Ultimately that's all you can control.

My son's now 32 and the subject has rarely come up for some time now and when it does it's a matter of interest for him, not an emotional difficulty. Eventually Mo will fully process it and take it in perfect stride.

Excellent advice.



I think she will reject the request too and it could be very upsetting and maybe even devastating, but then again, maybe not. My experience (personal and friends and other family members who have adopted) is that boys generally handle this better than girls. Maybe it's because of budding maternal instinct, I don't know, but it's really just as possible that he'll react with anger. I'd be prepared for the worse, but there's enough anxiety involved without expecting it.



But, gosh, I hope you're not equating hating Obama with something really terrible like thinking Justin Beiber is cool.