I need some advice/guidance

David - Far be it for me to assume the mantle of adoptive parent victim, offended by terminology, and I know you intended nothing by your use of "natural father" other than to distinguish him from boomerang's husband, but most adoptive parents prefer the use of the term "birth-mother" or "birth-father."

There is nothing wrong with the term you used, but adoptive parents can be a little sensitive to the occasional insensitivity of those who haven't adopted. Again, "natural" isn't insensitive. It's a hell of a lot better than "real father" or "real mother," but "birth-parent" is very precisely factual and avoids any connotations.

My oldest is adopted and we have two biological children as well. I wish I had a dollar for every time some (I guess) well-meaning but insensitive person told my wife or I how happy they were for us that we had our "own" children or "real" children.

When my wife was pregnant with our second child, her aunt told her she hoped it was a boy so she could have a son. My wife answered that we already had a son, to which her aunt replied "I know, but I mean a real son." My wife told her that our oldest was as "real" a son as we would ever hope to have, and that was that, although I don't think her aunt got it.

I've never lit into anyone making a comment like my wife's aunt unless they didn't take the hint and kept it up, but very few do. I think it's something of a generational thing or at least it tends to be more prevalent with people with cultural backgrounds that place a heavy emphasis on bloodlines.

While I'm at it, it also irritates me when someone is identified by someone outside the family as "the adoptive brother," the "adoptive mother," etc. You see it a lot on TV. I could understand if the context was adoption but it doesn't have to be. My wife watches a show that involves a morbidly obese person losing a tremendous amount of weight over a year's time. I like to see what the person looks like going in and then I leave the room and she calls me back when the transformed, svelte individual is revealed. The change is always amazing, and the last "weigh-in" is on a stage surrounded by a lot of people including the family of person who has lost the weight. On one recent show, the camera focused on some guy in the audience and there was a tag line on the screen: "John's adoptive brother, Bill." I can't for the life of me figure out what purpose was served by identifying Bill as the adoptive brother.

During the Olympics, one of the athletes kept being identified as adopted and his parents introduced as his adoptive parents. Again, what was the purpose? I may be too touchy about this but I know the way NBC likes to portray all the athletes as overcoming adversity to reach the top of their sport and I'm pretty sure they were pitching a narrative where this guy had overcome the adversity of being adopted. As this thread illustrates, there can be rough spots that adopted kids have to get through that are unique to them, but as tough as this one may be right now for Mo (and boomerang) on the list of possible problems a child can face growing up, it's pretty low, and that's in large part due to the quality of the people who adopted him. Hell, this athletes parent made the trip to Sochi Russia to cheer him on, and he was involved in a sport that would have required a lot of time and money spent by his Mom and Dad over many years, so without knowing them personally I feel pretty confident they were good parents, or at least didn't present an adversity to overcome.

Anyway, I'm not criticizing you for anything David, your post just gave me the opportunity to express an irritating fact of life about being an adoptive parent. It's clearly a negligible price to pay for the joy brought to us by our son, but I wanted to get it off my chest.

I'm not really opposed to the term "natural parent" but I completely agree with you on every other point.

Nobody would guess that Mo is adopted and most people don't know. It isn't a secret, it just doesn't come up much in real life. This has led to a couple of confusing doctor/dentist visits but it gets sorted out pretty quick.

Adoption in the real world is very, very different from the way it's presented in the media.

Yes, and each adoption, every child is different and has a different history.
In essence, we the parents are always there to primary protect the child/teen from harm the bio family may afflict on them. It doesn't matter if it was/will be done intentionally, what matters is the emotional welfare of the child.

Among the component elements of human nature,
is a deeply abiding CURIOSITY regarding matters of personal interest.
That can span a lifetime and be an obsessive, heavy emotional burden.
I had something of an (non-parental) experience of that, lasting many years.
I 'm glad THAT 's behind me, tho it ended in rejection.
That has the potential to abide in your mind for ever.
Its not comfortable.

David
[/quote]

How is that the problem of the birth mother? Unless there was some specific contract, she's given up all rights and obligations.


Seems to me the person with the curiosity is the one that needs to deal with the fact you don't always get what you want. (nods to Mick Jagger)

Yeah, "natural parent" doesn't really bother me either. I just prefer "birth-parent" for the reason I gave. Like I wrote, just wanted to gripe a little among people who would know what I was talking about.

I only meant parenthood resulting from an act of nature,
as distinct from an act of the judiciary.





David

The kid himself
did not relinquish anything; yes ?


I 'm not thinking of the issue on a coercive basis,
but rather on an informal social basis. Its not as if Mo parted
from his birth mom on angry terms. Its not as if he had been thrown
out of the house. There is nothing improper nor un-lawful
in his just going over to her, raising his hand in a friendly wave
and saying: "Hi, Mom! How 's everything?" Invite her out to dinner
in a nice restaurant. There is no law that says that people can t be friendly
(not unless someone gets a judicial restraining order, anyway; until then, freedom prevails).

then stick with "bio"..."natural" has implications of "rightful". I dont like "parent" either is parent is more the one who raises rather than the one who contributes DNA. I will go with mom, carry a human for nine months and give birth then you are a mom....biologically speaking.


I am conflicted on what if anything bio mom owes Mo. On the one hand I think one conversation with the right to ask questions is owed to the child you choose to bring onto the Earth is owed, on the other if the deal was the bio mom was not to be found by the kid then we have an obligation to honor that deal.

That is just your imagination.
Their is no etymological support for that conclusion.


Where do u get this, Hawkeye??
Prove it. U dreamed it up.


I believe that boomer's
2 moms filosofy makes sense.


Even the nabor across the street
has enuf freedom of speech to open a friendly conversation.


Did the kid CONSENT to that, Hawkeye??
How is that morally binding on him???

He lost his freedom of speech?

Please reveal that to us.





David

I heard back today.

It was so lovely to hear from her. She sent the nicest note.

I think she's ready.

I can't quit crying.

This is so weird.

Great news. Hope it works out well for everyone involved.

Yer making me happy.

I would have never predicted.

me neither.

good luck boomer!

Great news! Best of luck to everyone but especially Mo.

I'm waiting for my heart and stomach to return to their normal positions before writing her back. I think I have an inkling of what she must have felt when she saw my note in her inbox. It's pretty surreal.

She wants the two of us to meet first which I think is a great idea.

I'm still trying to process this. I'm trying to get my emotions in check so I can help Mo through what is sure to be an emotional experience for him.

Uncharted territory is a frightening place.

I think since he has to eventually meet her - or it would be a spike in his heart forever - this is a great beginning. He's lucky as hell to have you facilitating it.

The only words I can offer that may be helpful as you move through this:

Hold on to your heart and your knowledge that he loves you. If things go well for him in this meeting, he's probably going to fall in love with her a bit. She may be the object of a lotta love that used to be reserved for you. You may have to share mom billing at grade school graduation... Your lovely exclusive relationship may be over.

As those little (enormous) encroachments happen, it would be human nature to react in tiny, defensive ways that you may not even recognise as defensive. Resentment that you are not even consciously fueling may color your relationship with his birth mom.

After reading you about Mo and related subjects, I have no doubt that you have a pure spirit toward him and his situation, and will do your damndest to move sacrificially for his best experience through this. I also know you are flesh and blood, and will trip over your heart in small ways. I think it's a great idea to get help here - and some members helped you pretty significantly already. I'd continue to get help here or with other friends - for those times that you question your reactions - or you just plain get sad or pissed.

I think you're incredible. Good wishes to you as this moves forward. What a wonderful start.

btw, I don't know how you had the stamina not to slap that damn aunt over this.

It must be very frightening.

Meeting with her first is a great idea.

Just putting myself in your place, it will be a tough call on how to "prep" your son.

I know I would feel the need to counsel him in some way, and maybe you do too. I'm not sure though how "overt" counselling would work though.

I think I would settle on the Socratic method and ask him questions. The first being "Anything you want to talk about before we have the meeting?"

"How are you feeling about this?" Would be number two. I wouldn't be surprised if he was frightened too, or at least very anxious and even confused. At his age (or any age for that matter) I doubt I would have a clear notion of what I expected to come from this meeting. While, hopefully, it will be nothing but positive, it could easily be awkward for him, or even anti-climatic. He might find that the meeting stirs some anger in him. I'm sure you appreciate that this could be a very complex emotional experience for him.

Of course, you never know with kids, and he might take it completely in stride, meet the woman, say "That was OK." and move on. I doubt it but kids his age can completely surprise you.

I don't know if a third question would be necessary. My son while being very outgoing is pretty tight lipped about his feelings. It can be like pulling teeth. His brother and sister, on the other hand, won't shut up about how they're feeling! Maybe Mo is like them and you only need to prime the pump.

Kids are like dogs in the sense that they are very sensitive to their parents emotions, so you may be able to set the tone just by the way you project.

I know I would be desperate to find out what his reaction was the first minute I was alone with him. I would watch for "the blues" just because I think he could find the meeting anti-climatic and that generally leads to a mild feeling of depression.

I surely don't have to tell you this is a big deal, maybe bigger for you and your husband than Mo, but I feel confident that it will work out as well it can. It seems to me, the fact that the woman has taken a while to think about it and wants to first meet with you is a good sign.

I await word on the results with bated breath.

All the best.

Thank you.

I'm already tripping over my heart. At times it almost feels like what I can only describe as grief, which was unexpected. It feels like I've already lost something. I can't explain it.

At other times I'm fine with it. I know that being a parent means exposing your kid to a variety of experiences in hopes of preparing them to live without you. I'm okay with him loving other people and with other people loving him.

It's a roller coaster. I find myself wondering if my doctor could help stabilize my mood. I'm pretty ragged right now.