I need some advice/guidance

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Mo's maternal bio-aunt came to see him yesterday and during the course of their visit she pulled out her camera to show photos from some family gathering. Included in the photos was his other mom, and his half sisters.

Mo began asking her about them and she, without discussing it with other mom or me, said "She's on Facebook! Send her a friend request!"

When Mo gets home he shows me that he's looked her up on Facebook. He asks me if he's found the right person and I confirm that he did. He relates the conversation he had with aunt.

I put the brakes on him contacting other mom as aunt had not discussed this with her and I thought her getting a note, out of the blue, would be unsettling for her. I told him "Mo, listen, I'm not opposed to you meeting her (at all) but it's really unfair for her not to have a say in this. This is something the adults need to discuss and set up. I'll contact her and she if she's ready to meet you."

Later Mo comes to me asking why his mom kept up contact with his half-sisters but not him, saying "How could she just forget about me?"

I tried to explain that the circumstances were different at the time the twins were born, etc.

I feel like aunt was completely disrespectful to other mom, to me and Mr. B, and especially to Mo. I'm pretty pissed.

I'm plan to contact other mom and try to get a feel for how she feels about all of this but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't want Mo being confrontational about her contact with his sisters -- meeting her with some cloud over the whole thing. I don't know if I should discuss with aunt how poorly I think she handled the whole thing or just know that what's done is done and nothing will change it. I'm even questioning whether it wouldn't be best to just let Mo contact her directly and see how things play out.

Where do I go from here?

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@boomerang,

Since I'm more in the position to have been the aunt, I'll speak from that viewpoint, while at the same time obviously not knowing the particulars of her life.

I could imagine blurting out something like that, not realizing in that instant the long reaching repercussions. I wouldn't have said it trying to stir the pot, or in an attempt to get Mo together with his other mom. It's just that Mo is growing up, and I wouldn't be as careful with weighing every single thing said to him. I don't think she meant bad. I can imagine saying this to an adult, knowing they will make the decision whether to act on it.

Does this aunt come over often? Maybe next time she comes over just let her know you're working through these things with Mo, and that meeting on Facebook might not be the best thing.

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@boomerang,

I agree it well might have been innocently given advice by the aunt. Also, maybe not, maybe she thought she was righting a wrong. Maybe she is just clueless about repercussions, clueless about what is her business to tell.

I've no advice - you know the people in all this, the main person being Mo. I know I'd be very aggravated too. You are very straightforward with him, which I'd keep doing, re how to handle this.

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@chai2,

I don't think she was being malicious but we have had a conversation with her about this type of thing -- when she wanted to take him to Xmas dinner at his great-grandparents house (we have a little contact with the g-grandparents), where his mom was going to be "as a surprise for everyone".

Yes, Mo is growing up, but 13 is a pretty tumultuous time.

I'm probably contrasting it to the brilliant way his paternal aunt handled the same thing.

I also realize that I'm basically Facebook illiterate. Maybe "Hey bio-mom, it's me, your son" is totally normal.

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@ossobuco,

Quote:

Maybe she is just clueless about repercussions, clueless about what is her business to tell.

I think that's it exactly. It's like she thought it was no big deal and didn't stop to think that it was potentially life changing for the parties really involved in it.

I've read a lot of writing by birthmoms and I know some of them are very welcoming and others not so much. I know other mom's husband knows all about Mo so it isn't like we're spilling some big secret.

I just don't want to blindside other mom.

I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet and write to her about it today...

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Well, I am of the school that says the ADULT comes to the child.

So, has the aunt told the birth-mother about Mo? And suggested that she contact him thru FB? What a mess.

I would have killed the aunt for suggesting to a child that he approach his birth mother over FB. That is completely inappropriate.

You are going to have to mediate things here - run interference - and see if she is even in a position to see him.

Do the other children even know about him? Your answer was right on about there being a time and place for everything in whether or not she could have been able to take care of him at that particular time. Explain she did the loving thing by making sure he was safe and had a good life.

Children like Mo will always have abandonment issues. That question of "How did she just forget about me." will never be answered fully for him, even my her.

My heart goes out to you at this time. I know exactly what you are going thru.

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks, Punkey. It's a crappy feeling to have to unravel this on someone else's terms.

Other mom (OM) knows that Aunt sees Mo but she has not spoken to OM about putting them in touch with each other.

From what Mo said Aunt told him "Oh I'll just call her and let her know that I told you to write to her on Facebook." I'd really like to write to her before that call happens because I don't want OM to think I was being so weird about things because I think it's wildly inappropriate too.

OM does not have custody of the sisters. They live with their father (who is not Mo's father). They have met Mo but it has been years (maybe 6 years -- so half his life ago) since he's seen them. I don't know their father or step mother at all so I'm not in a position to facilitate a meeting. I've told Mo that when they're all adults they can seek each other out.

Yes, I know he'll always have abandonment issues. He was very clingy last night -- unusual for a 13 year old boy.

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I just sent her a friend request on Facebook so I can write to her.

Now I just need to come up with the right thing to say....

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@boomerang,

Quote:

Yes, Mo is growing up, but 13 is a pretty tumultuous time.

Yep, and it is too bad that you all could not agree to put all of this off till he was 15, Mo probably could have been stalled that long. Not saying that this will be a disaster, but there is too much risk of destabilizing Mo for comfort. He will have a much more solid sense of who he is at 15, this kind of thing would be less dangerous then.

Quote:

I don't think she was being malicious but we have had a conversation with her about this type of thing -

This rollercoaster is now almost totally outside of your control, hang on!

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@boomerang,

I thought I remembered that you had talked to her about this kind of thing.

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Here's a first draft, how does it sound?

Hi AAA!

It's been so long since we've spoken but I think about you all the time. It sounds like you're doing really
well and that makes me so happy. I've missed you.

I'm writing to you because yesterday BBB come over to see CCC (who, for some reason, prefers to be called
DDD) and she suggested that he contact you through Facebook. I didn't want you to be blindsided by a
note from him so I thought I'd write to you first to see how you felt about that. I want to be sure that it's a good
time for you and that you're feeling comfortable with him contacting you.

I want you to know that he has only heard really good things about you -- about how you were the first person
I met when I moved here and how much I like you and how much fun we had hanging out together. I've told him
that he came to live with us when you were going through a difficult and confusing time. I've told him that when
the time was right for BOTH of you that I would help him get in touch with you.

I really with BBB had spoken to you first, before telling him to contact you. I don't want it to feel like we're
intruding and I will follow your lead on this. If it isn't a good time, let me know and I'll put the brakes on things.
If it is a good time, I'll help facilitate whatever kind of meeting or relationship works best for you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

boomerang

3 Replies

@hawkeye10,

Thirteen is such a difficult age without having to deal with this kind of thing.

I guess it's good that I'm not a control freak. I can roll with the punches pretty well. I'm really more worried about other mom and Mo but I'm hanging on the best I can today.

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@boomerang,

Quote:

I really with BBB had spoken to you first

?

hope?

Otherwise fine though if it were me it would have a line " I was really hoping this would not be happening till Mo was 15 or so, for his good, but what ever you both decide I will conform to".

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@hawkeye10,

Ooops. Supposed to be "wish".

Thanks!

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@boomerang,

Quote:

Supposed to be "wish".

Dont say that unless you are 100% sure it did not happen.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Quote:

I've read a lot of writing by birthmoms and I know some of them are very welcoming and others not so much.

I just don't want to blindside other mom.

I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet and write to her about it today...

Yes, this is something I've said whenever we have a poster that wants to find out/connect with their biological parents.

I believe one needs to err on the side of "they don't want to see me" and approach with extreme caution.

People may say "what if the biological parent wants to see the child?" Well, what if they don't?
It's better to leave someone thinking about and wishing they could see the kid, rather than potentially royally screw up their lives.

Of course in this situation everyone knows where and who everyone is. That was just my PSA for people who think "....but I just know my father who I know about will be thrilled to meet me."

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

You're right. "Hope" is better.

I'm positive that she didn't clear this with other mom first though.

If she wants to put it off I'll put it off but the cat is out of the bag now. I know Mo has visited her Facebook page (mostly private, thank goodness) already and unless I have a solid reason to for him to not contact her he can do it on his own.

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@chai2,

I think a lot of adoptive parents and adopted kids don't really consider what a hellish choice placing a child for adoption is to most parents. Even when it's the right decision it's still incredibly difficult for most of them. They deserve our respect and protection if they chose no contact.

I need some advice/guidance

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