I need some advice/guidance

There really isn't anything new to report. We'd agreed to put things on the back burner until school started so I think they've been chatting a little (but just a little) and we've invited her for dinner this weekend.

I'm still waiting to hear from her.

I think she has the girls this weekend which might complicate things. She said that she could bring them but I get the feeling she doesn't want to do that... yet. I totally understand that.

And honestly, I'd really rather she didn't. They're much more familiar with her and I think that could be problematic. I'd rather put it off for a week and have things be much more low-key. I think it might be overwhelming for Mo too.

Really though, he hasn't been stressed out or obsessive about this, which surprises me. Maybe this IS a good age to have this happen. Maybe the way we've talked about her over the years makes it easy for him. Maybe the great, casual way she first contacted him makes him more comfortable. I don't know. I don't get the feeling he's hiding his emotions about it but he doesn't seem to feel a lot about it. I don't know whether that's good or bad.

One thing that keeps nagging at me -- and this is probably stupid -- but when we first met for lunch one of the first things she asked me was "Does he remember..... anything?" She seemed really relieved when I said "No. Nothing."

I know things weren't good for him at home those first years. It just keeps nagging me that maybe I don't know the extent of how bad they might have been.

I will never have that question answered.

I'm okay with that. We've all moved past that.

But still....

Now I'm officially rambling.

It's all set to go down this Sunday, late morning.

She is bringing the girls and the more I think about it the more okay I am with it.

We talked on the phone today and she told me that she sat down with the girls and explained that we'd met and that she was going to come meet Mo. They were super curious about the everything (they haven't seen Mo since they were about 5 and don't remember him at all, he was, I think, almost 8, and barely remembers them). She pulled out photos of them all together from a time when a friend of hers brought them over to visit -- the last time they'd seen each other. She told them the story of how he came to be adopted. She said it was a good talk for all of them.

EVERYONE is nervous and excited.

Except Mo. I haven't told him it's all set yet. He has a lot going on over the next two days and he needs to keep his head together so I'm not going to tell him until Saturday night. He DOES know that it's a possibility but he doesn't know it's set. It's not like I'm going to totally spring it on him or anything.

There's no turning back now. Even though my anxiety level is sky high I feel a big sense of relief.

Good Aunt and Uncle (he's good too!) came by to take Mo out to dinner this week and not a word was said about OF even though we all sat around and yakked for a bit.

I'm kind of worried about him. I know he isn't real stable and I hope I didn't push him over the edge.

OM, who has remained in casual contact with OF's mom, asked me today -- "Grandma" unfriended me on facebook the other day. Do you know if something happened? She mentioned that she sees grandma pretty often at grandma's workplace and she was wondering if she should avoid going there now.

I told her I had no earthly idea of why that might have happened.

I have a bad feeling.


.............. tick, tick, tick..................

wait....Mo was likely going through hell but does not remember it till 7YO??!!

That is concerning. I am not a big fan of the repressed memories racket but I do believe that it happens, if Mo does not remember any of the bad stuff that happened I would be scared about what his 20's and 30's will be like. His happy home since then does not repair the damage, this is unresolved trauma.

The reason for my concern is that my boy and youngest girl were sexually molested at age 2 and 5 respectively, and neither remember it but I sometimes see how it impacts their lives now. They are currently 20 and 23.

For some reason I thought Mo was not in that situation that long. If things work out I would suggest trying to find out exactly what happened, it might help you help him down the line.

He came to live with us when he was 2. We adopted him when he was 6. He hasn't seen either OM or OF since he was about 4.

The last time he saw his sisters was when he was right around 8. A friend of OM's brought them over to visit.

He only kind of remembers seeing them then. It was one of the very few times he's ever met them.

That is more like I remember...He should be fine.

I'm so sorry your kids experienced that.

Mo was young when he came to live with us but I see how those first years effect his life every day so I know a bit of what you're dealing with and seeing.

I know pieces of what Mo experienced but I don't think I'll ever know the whole thing. I do know that his other parents aren't evil. They were inexperienced and ill equipped to deal with a baby.

I want to write this down just because it's nagging at me....

When I was talking to OM on the phone today we were just chatting and laughing, like any parent would talk to another parent.

She was telling me a story about the perils of raising girls -- especially twins -- especially when they're maturing a different times.

I said "I'm so glad I have a boy! I can't even imagine those conversations!"

Just like I would say to any other parent I was talking to.

The conversation just continued, without interruption, but it immediately felt weird to me that I'd said that.

I have to keep reminding myself that she's not "any other parent".

It's wonderful that we've fallen into the easy rhythm of friendship we once had -- that we talk about... stuff. The conversation is just so fluid.

And because of that I'm worried I'm going to say something so totally wrong that I'll hurt her and I won't be able to fix it.

I have a strange connection with this woman that is very, very confusing to me.

I wish I could explain it.

Would you feel able to talk to her about the fear of saying something amiss?

I think, in reality, you ARE Mo's mum, to him, her and yourself, but I totally get your concern.

Does she feel a bit like a daughter to you, at all?

Yes.

I think I do feel that -- as much as I can never having experienced having a daughter. I feel very protective of her. I have since I met her.

But my loyalty, love and concern lies with Mo and Mo alone.

It's weird.

Maybe I can talk to her about it. I have to think of how that might work. I really think she'd be all "please don't worry". That would be good.

Right?

Is there a reason you are talking to the OM like she is going to become a best friend in the future?

Is that what you want?

Is that the best thing for Mo?

I think the OM with the step sisters is going to be too much for Mo at one time. That's just my opinion.

How old were thay
when Mo was 8 ?

The reason is because it was so natural. It was not a conscious decision.

We were friends. I was her (for lack of a better word) mentor.

Is it best for Mo that I get along with her? Absolutely, I think. Not getting along with her would be awful, wouldn't it? What purpose would that serve? Who would that benefit? My ego? My ego isn't that big.

Should I dislike her on the off-chance that he does?

Would not liking her make me look better to him?

I can't really go there. I do like her and I think he will too.

If I act like I don't like her and he does like her won't that make me look stupid?

They're half sisters, not step sisters. I'm afraid it might be too much but we'll get through. I think it will be okay. Maybe even good. Color me optimistic.

I'm going to talk to his school counselor about it tomorrow so she can be on the look out for any problems come Monday.

This is all uncharted waters and I'm just trying to be honest about things even if it makes me look bad.

They would have been about 5.

In your opinion,
what is the worst case scenario for Mo; i.e., HOW
will that "too much"ness be manifested in Mo's experience
and specifically what result do u expect???





David

Will u reveal specifically WHAT
it is that u have seen at ages 20 and 23,
which u have attributed to sexual abuse ??

I sneaked in and had a quick conversation with his school counselor today, just giving her a head's up on what was going on and telling her that she might want to be on the look out for a heightened emotional state come Monday.

I so love this woman. She's amazing. She asked all the right questions, good questions, hard questions. She adores Mo and has promised to keep an eye on him and check in with him -- which she says will seem pretty normal since it's the first of the school year and she tries to spend a little time with each of the returning students just to catch up on their lives. She asked me to check in with her on Monday to let her know any specifics I might be worried about.

I'm glad I talked to her. I really feel that Mo is safe and protected there.

Meanwhile.... I pick Mo up from school today and we're driving home and he says "This has been the best week of my life. I am living the dream of every 8th grader. I'm doing good in class, I have a pretty girlfriend, and me and M**** are the kings of the classroom -- everyone looks up to us."

I reminded him to be a benevolent king.

I think he will be.

Happy!

I haven't been to this thread in a while and am very happy to see that everything seems to going so well.

While I think I understand why it might feel awkward referring to Mo as "your" son when you speak with his birth-mother, he is your son and you are his mother. Whatever relationship he develops with her will never be the same as the one he has with you. You've been remarkably understanding and conscious of her feelings, but I would hope she is conscious of yours too. If she can't accept that he is your son now, your continuing relationship is going to be strained, to put it mildly. I'm sure it's weird in ways for you both and with time it will "normalize," but I encourage you to keep in tune with Mo regarding his communication with her. I don't think it's snooping and I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but as you've recognized you're in strange emotional terrain here, and everyone doesn't always react as you might expect, even people with whom you have been or continue to be close. I'm not suggesting anything sinister, just possibly weird.

It sounds like Mo will tip you off if it get weird for him.

Continued good luck.

I have a question, OP. Why ask strangers to deal with your personal experience? Not once did I need advice in my living experience, because I sat down and worked with my issues one by one. You will never see any answer more than what you already had inside you when speaking with others - want an answer, OP? It's in you; it's your life, your influence and definition, own it or be owned by it.

Take life by the horns before it takes you up the ass.

By mistaking Boomer for a submissive you have again proven how little wisdom you possess.

This is relevant how? I was referring to life.