19
   

I need some advice/guidance

 
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Sep, 2014 05:40 pm
Of course the kids got along so well. That's what kids do.

Glad everything turned out well.

Still he didn't have the "alone" time with OM. But perhaps he may even not need it now. Perhaps his real issue was the girls, not the OM.

Whatever; I have a feeling he will let you know what his needs are.
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Sep, 2014 11:48 pm
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote:
Of course the kids got along so well. That's what kids do.

Glad everything turned out well.

Still he didn't have the "alone" time with OM. But perhaps he may even not need it now.
Perhaps his real issue was the girls, not the OM.

Whatever; I have a feeling he will let you know what his needs are.

I thought it was STRANGE how negatively pessimistic
u and the engineer were about a re-union in July.
I have always deemed that to be oddly un-justified.

I have always been optimistic of a happy outcome to a re-union.





David
boomerang
 
  4  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 06:49 am
Thanks everyone!

I had to take a breather from this for a couple of days just to get my head back together and it was nice to see all of these posts today!

ehBeth, after Sunday I have a good idea of what that must be like. It was very powerful for Mo. I hope they can build an enduring relationship.

Butrflynet, I think they are coming over for Halloween! I was telling them how crazy it got around here and all of them were begging us to make it happen.

David, I still think Aunt needs to mind her own business.

Also, Punky's situation is very different from mine. Her feelings are valid and her cautions were good for me to hear.

Hawkeye, it does feel karmic! You're absolutely right -- it was a million small decisions that led to this going well.

dlowan, "emotional blood relative" is a good way to put it. Before all this happened I called my mom to tell her what a good role model she's always been in welcoming people into the family. My mom is amazing.

0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:07 am
@OmSigDAVID,
"I thought it was STRANGE how negatively pessimistic
u and the engineer were about a re-union in July.
I have always deemed that to be oddly un-justified."

"negatively pessimistic"? Now that's redundant!

No - I am a realist.

The biggest fear of the adopted mom is that the real mom will come back - emotionally and financially secure and with her sh*T all together and want the child back. What adopted child could resist that? I think that's why Boom keeps her close - so she can watch her. Nothing wrong with that, it's just Boom continuing to "mentor" this now grown-up woman whose at the door with still other children.

This is all like an onion - many layers. The relationship the kids have is cool and I wish everyone peace.

And with that - I drop out of this conversation.
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:50 am
@OmSigDAVID,
I think caution was warranted and it sounds like all the due diligence paid off. Congratulations to all involved.

(Also, congratulations to the forum. It is great to see people who are often at odds in other threads, sometimes viciously so, pull together for a common good.)
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  7  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:55 am
@PUNKEY,
Quote:
The biggest fear of the adopted mom is that the real mom will come back - emotionally and financially secure and with her sh*T all together and want the child back. What adopted child could resist that? I think that's why Boom keeps her close - so she can watch her. Nothing wrong with that, it's just Boom continuing to "mentor" this now grown-up woman whose at the door with still other children.


For me, this is categorically untrue.

If she had not been emotionally and financially secure and had not had her **** together I would have never invited her back into our lives. I'm absolutely not keeping her close so I can watch her. I like her. We trust each other.

My biggest fear is not that she would want him back but that he would want to go. I think Mo's biggest fear is that he would be made to go. Mo is a happy person and we have a great relationship.

I don't own Mo and there might come a time when he decides he really wants to pursue a mother/child relationship with her. If it happens, it happens and I won't have any control over that. This is his life, as messy and complicated as it is.

Mo and I and Mr. B love each other. There is nothing she can do that will change that.
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 05:05 pm
@boomerang,
Quote:
The biggest fear of the adopted mom is that the real mom will come back - emotionally and financially secure and with her sh*T all together and want the child back. What adopted child could resist that? I think that's why Boom keeps her close - so she can watch her. Nothing wrong with that, it's just Boom continuing to "mentor" this now grown-up woman whose at the door with still other children.
boomerang wrote:
For me, this is categorically untrue.

If she had not been emotionally and financially secure and had not had her **** together I would have never invited her back into our lives. I'm absolutely not keeping her close so I can watch her. I like her. We trust each other.

My biggest fear is not that she would want him back but that he would want to go. I think Mo's biggest fear is that he would be made to go. Mo is a happy person and we have a great relationship.

I don't own Mo and there might come a time when he decides he really wants to pursue a mother/child relationship with her. If it happens, it happens and I won't have any control over that. This is his life, as messy and complicated as it is.


Mo and I and Mr. B love each other. There is nothing she can do that will change that.
boomer, that is probably the most BEAUTIFUL POST
I 've seen in the history of A2K,
especially its last paragraf.

It gave me a thrill of happiness to read that!
May the joy of your family multiply and perpetuate.





David
hawkeye10
 
  3  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 06:48 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
"we dont own Mo"

"It is his life"

Radical stuff in the age of helicopter parenting enforced to the point that parents who let their 7 year olds go the the park on their own are getting arrested.
boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:16 pm
@hawkeye10,
Ha!

Perhaps no further evidence is needed that I am indeed a child of the 60s!
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:18 pm
@OmSigDAVID,
Thanks, David!

I am feeling really happy today and that was a happy thing to read.

Now back to cooking spaghetti and solo dancing in my kitchen....
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:53 pm
@boomerang,
Love you boom and mo and mister and always will.

Ok, enough of that,

what are you doing dancing in the kitchen? What, shimmy shimmy slurp slurp?
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 07:55 pm
@ossobuco,
Mo and Mr. B are at football practice so I usually turn the music up and dance while I cook dinner.

A girl needs her aerobics!

Love you too!
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 08:27 pm
@hawkeye10,
hawkeye10 wrote:

"we dont own Mo"

"It is his life"

Radical stuff in the age of helicopter parenting enforced to the point
that parents who let their 7 year olds go the the park on their own are getting arrested.
Yea, I loved those quotes too.
I hope to remain immune from arrest
for letting anyone go to any park.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 08:34 pm
@One Eyed Mind,
One Eyed Mind wrote:

This is relevant how? I was referring to life.


It's relevant because no one cares about your pissy opinions.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 08:57 pm
@glitterbag,
Engineer said what I thought. I have been extremely impressed by the advice given by people I usually think are unpleasant. Bravo to everyone for taking this situation seriously. OEM is the only sour note, and that's par for the course of returning members posting under new names. Boom, I agree with Finn, you own this situation and are dealing very wisely. I am happy for all of you. You were very smart not to play Bad Aunt's game. I have no idea what she is hoping to do, but so far she has not been a positive role model for Mo. She may resent you are now the mother of Mo. Where was she when Mo needed care?? You and your husband were the ones who stepped up to parenthood. She should be happy her nephew is loved and well cared for. If she's hoping her brother will stand up, that ship sailed. For what it's worth, I think you have done a remarkable job as a mother, you have provided Mo a foundation. I wish all children had someone like you in their corner.
0 Replies
 
Finn dAbuzz
 
  5  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 11:09 pm
@boomerang,
boomerang wrote:

My biggest fear is not that she would want him back but that he would want to go.


Precisely.

I remember the day we went to "pick up" our son like it was yesterday; just like I remember the days my daughter and youngest son were born. All three were head-popping exciting and all three were joyous, but the first was very different, but perhaps not in the obvious way.

My wife and I were married for 10 years before my oldest son came along and we went through years of medical tests and processes and then waiting for a our names to come to the top of the adoption list. It was very hard for my wife, and each time a friend or sibling had a child it was bitter-sweet. I knew my wife was tremendously happy for the mother-to-be each time a pregnancy was announced, but I also knew how it broke her heart as well.

We were young and in all other ways enjoying our lives, and while I did want to have a child, the initial medical failures and the later anxiety and waiting during the adoption process bothered me most because it hurt my wife so much. When we got "the call" I was very happy, but my wife was ecstatic. It was a great day if only because of her reaction.

Even after they notified us, they wanted us to wait another month so that he could have a hernia repaired. Why they felt it was so important to give us a "repaired" baby rather than allowing us to take care of him and the hernia, I'll never know. During that last month, though, when I knew the time had come and we would be welcoming a baby into our home, I thought about a lot of things that just didn't attract much focus when it was still a hypothetical. What I thought of the most was how I would feel when I first saw him, and I began to worry that I might not feel anything because of the absence of a biological bond.

As the days passed, it transformed from a question to a fear. My wife was so overjoyed I didn't want to spoil it for her by discussing my doubt so I said nothing and it gnawed away. When the final few days came my fear of not feeling any emotion grew and what should have been a time filled with happy anticipation became days filled with dread.

I did a good job of keeping it from my wife, but I was pretty much a wreck during the drive over to the adoption center. Once we started walking down the hall to the room where he was waiting,though, all the emotion drained away and I felt only numb. It was much worse.

However, when we walked through the door and saw him sitting there, everything instantly changed. I looked at his face and the doubt was completely gone. The fear though exploded, but now it wasn't about how I would feel, it was how he would. It was an amazing, immediate shift from fearing that I could not love him to being even more afraid that he might not love me. And as really afraid as I was, I felt wonderful.

He was just shy of 5 months and I was sure that he would be crying since he had been taken from the woman who had been his mother all this time and was by himself with strangers. Instead, he was completely quiet, his little face heart-breakingly sad, and he wouldn't look at anyone. He kept turning away from us, as we called him by his new name, and tried to make him smile.

He was just as quiet and withdrawn the whole time we were at the adoption center and for the whole ride to my wife's parent's house. We spent the whole time, though, talking to him in the way that adults talk to babies, and if he could feel the love we both instantly felt for him, he was bathed in it.

When we got my in-laws house, we brought him inside and for the first ten minutes or so he still wouldn't look at anyone. Then for some reason that I can't explain he looked at me. I took the opportunity to make a funny face and playfully talk to him and he smiled. It was among the best moments of my life and there was such a feeling of relief and happiness I started to cry...which he thought was funny and he laughed. From there on in it was as if he had always been with us. For the way I felt and the way he reacted to us.

The births of my other two children were truly fantastic; like out-of-body experiences and they were the other two best moments of my life, but the moment with my oldest son was so different and so special. A lot of people feel sorry for adopted parents, probably because, like me, they can't imagine bonding with "someone else's child," but it really was such an amazing and wonderful experience that I feel blessed to have been able to have it in my life.

But as much as I feel absolutely no different about him than I do the other two, there has always remained some small measure of the doubt and fear I had when I first saw him. My younger children have no choice, they're from our bodies, they have to love us, but my oldest son has a choice.

A bit of irrational thinking all the way round, but it's there. After 32 years we couldn't be more lucky though because he's never availed himself of the choice, and the second I saw him I had no choice.

When you adopt a child you join a special club, and almost instantly you find all of the other adoptive parents who you've been living near or working with for years. This phenomenon seems to happen quite a lot with people who share an uncommon experience, and especially if it is an experience that is generally misunderstood by those who have not had it. I'm sure there are plenty of bad adoptive parents and I'm not even close to being the perfect parent, but I've generally found that adoptive parents appreciate the love they have for their children more than other parents. This is in no way to suggest that they love their children more than other parents, because I don't, at all, believe that to be the case. it just means that perhaps they think about it more. For those who have gone a long time wondering if they would ever have children it's something they are less inclined to take for granted.

In any case, this is a long winded way of acknowledging the empathy I have for boomer and it's been great vicariously sharing her success and sense of relief, and, in a strange way, her worries and frustrations.

I'm not someone who places any great value in A2K as a "community" but it certainly has felt that way on this thread.

Now I'm off to continue fighting on political threads. If I stay in this one any longer I'll lose my edge... Cool
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 11:23 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
Quote:

I'm not someone who places any great value in A2K as a "community" but it certainly has felt that way on this thread.

sad that we dont do it more often but glad that we still can. And to think Boomer almost left because she was sick of all the fights. Guess we showed her!

My family always fights and argues, but we always come together when it matters too, and we have a huge spread in urban/rural and liberal/conservative. A2K kinda does too.
0 Replies
 
One Eyed Mind
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 10 Sep, 2014 11:44 pm
@glitterbag,
"no one cares"

Nice ego, bro.
0 Replies
 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Thu 11 Sep, 2014 08:15 am
@Finn dAbuzz,
Thanks for sharing that story, Finn. It was beautiful.

I think adoption is a wonderful thing but I don't think many people understand the sadness and fear that all the parties involved feel. I think it needs to be talked about more. Thank you for talking about it.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 10:02 pm
What a beautiful story, Finn!
--------

Each one of us adoptive parents has their own adoption stories and we deal with it as good as we can. My daughter has quite a few friends who were adopted as well and it seems they all share this void, the missing link in their lives. They understand each others feelings towards their biological family and all her friends have searched and looked for their bio mom. She seems most important to adoptive children, more so than bio father or siblings.

I always supported my child in the quest for her bio family, however, we waited until she was 18 years old thinking she would understand the
situation much better then, as it wasn't an easy one.
0 Replies
 
 

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