I need some advice/guidance

Put yourself in her shoes, are you sure you would know right off what you wanted to do? Even if you thought you did would you maybe give yourself some time to reconsider before doing anything?


Not yet, wait a week for an answer before getting concerned that maybe there will be no answer.

I'm still going to have to put Mo off. He's already asking if I've heard anything since he knows I sent her a note.

It's hard to get him to see things from her perspective. He can't understand why she wouldn't want to see him, especially when she sees the girls. He's a little angry about it and I don't want him to approach this with anger.

Just a few days ago, my family asked me
if I read my email. To my chagrin,
I had to admit that I have NOT been
at all diligent about it.

After being expressly told
that a birthday wish had been sent,
I went back to check. At first, I found nothing.
On re-checking, I discovered that I 'd skipped over it; just did not see it.

Are u very familiar with her email habits ?

If not, then to protect Mo, u better pick up the telefone b4 u hurt him.
Don t forget to check your spam filter.

To whom do u owe better loyalty:
to Mo or to his birth mom ?



David

Good point, David.

Thank u.



(Now I need to figure out which 1 he liked.)

I sent the message via Facebook and I don't think it has the same problem as getting filtered as spam, or that they are easily overlooked. Since I'm not her Facebook friend it said it would be sent to an "Other" box. I don't know what that means but I assume she was notified that something was sent to her. I also sent her a Friend request. My experience has been that they aren't easily ignored.

Maybe someone with Facebook skills will fill us in on how "Other" works...

If it were me,
I 'd just pick up the fone for a candid discussion.

I'm not you and I see no benefit from putting her on the spot like that. She doesn't owe any of us anything.

WE adopted him. It is OUR responsibility to help him navigate this, not hers.

Absolutely agree.

In my opinion, she owes Mo minimally, a conversation.
Of course, the chances are good that she will be around
for long after Mo reaches adulthood, but we never know that for sure.

U might mention to Mo
that he can simply call his birth mom and say "Hi".
That is among his options.

If, for any reason, Mo lost access to her,
then he might suffer long term, or permanent, remorse for
not having taken the initiative to establish contact when it was still possible.

In my humble opinion, it is better to err on the side of caution;
don t risk more than u are willing to lose.



David

Seriously?

His birth mother doesn't owe him anything David.....nada, zilch, bupkis.

In a strictly legal sense, that's true,
but morally, the normal thing is having ordinary conversation.
Discussion can be cathartic; I think that 's worth a lot.

I just want Mo to live out his life in a state of emotional comfort,
with no regrets.

In a way that is very different,
but somewhat alike, I was once in a somewhat similar situation
for some years. I 'm very, very glad that eventually I resolved it.

If I had not resolved my situation, with a girl who shares your first name,
then I cud have lived out my life in emotional despair, frustration and doubt.
I used to have brief anxiety attacks b4 I resolved the issue thru discussion.
I don t wish those emotions on anyone. Its better to "take the bull by the horns."

Hawkeye is right in suggesting to give it at least another day or two.

Facebook can be slow in sending notifications and people like me may have them completely turned off and check FB when I wish to and not as a Pavlovian response to the ding of a notification. I'm a daily FB user but only do so once a day unless I'm trying to organize something with others or have nothing else competing for my time.

This might be an opportunity for the aunt to help clean up her mess. If nothing has changed in a couple days, she could ask OM if she got your message. She can then let you know what OM's thoughts are about it and let you know.

certainly, I am told that many people rarely/never look in their " other" folder. someone needs to tell this woman that there is an important message sitting there. This would be a good job for the one who caused this mess.

There is no message notifying people of messages in the "other" folder. A lot of people don't even know they have an "other" folder.

I found some messages in my "other" folder that had been there for over 4 years.

I remain 1OO% fully ignorant thereof.



What is that,
and how do we use it??

I get the whole "make Aunt help clean up the mess" idea but I so totally don't want to involve her. The thought of asking her for help makes my stomach rumble. There has to be another way.

I did send her a friend request and she hasn't responded to that either.

So, when you send a "message" to someone you're not friends with on Facebook it goes to a dead file that they might not ever see?

****.

Telefones do not present that problem.

Is OM's home page public? Can you just post "please check your other folder". That sometimes works.

Boom, my situation is a little different, but the abandonment issue is the same. My son's father and I separated when he was 30 months old. In the beginning, his father wanted custody, then settled with liberal visitation. As soon as he talked me into footing the bill for our divorce, he remarried. That actually was a big relief to me initially, because that meant he would not be trying to convince me to take his violent ass back. The next hurdle was he and his wife breaking into tears, sobbing as if in agony when he returned home.

That child was so upset when he got home he would cry about how lonely his father and stepmother were because he didn't live with them. It would take a few days to get him back in a groove. Suddenly all that angst stopped when his stepmother gave birth to a son, and in two years time when the second child was born (a girl) he was treated like an unwelcome guest, his stepmother referred to him as the little prince. He suffered many other indignities that I didn't know about until he turned 14. He was to visit with his Dad on his 14thbirthday, and I was puzzled why it took him so long to get ready to go. As it turned out, he had a bad stomach virus that he didn't want to fess up to, because it was his birthday and he knew his father and relatives would have presents for him and he definitely didn't want to miss that. (HE WAS 14). So about 6 in the evening he called and asked me to record SNL I told him I would, but also asked why, and he said he wanted to go bed. I asked why so early and that's when he told me he had been throwing up all day. That's when I told him he had to come home and asked him to put his father on the phone. His Dad got on and as I explained why he needed to come home, my ex kept muttering umh, umh, umh until I heard Kathy yell that I would have to come and get him because Don had been drinking all day and was in no shape to drive. That's all I had to hear, I said no problem, give me your address and I'll leave right now. Mr. GB and I took off to get him immediately, but when we got there, the stepmother said that Don wasn't really drunk but had been chopping wood all day and she thought he was too tired to drive. Yeah, that's what happened, even though he reeked of stale beer, I'm sure he was in no shape to drive my son anywhere. That should have been the end of it, but it wasn't.

Om Monday at work, super step mom called at my office, she asked how little GB was doing, I told her he was much better and she immediately launched into a tirade and told me NEVER TO DUMP MY SON ON HER AGAIN, just because I was too lazy to take care off him. I was blind sided, I hated to send my son over there. I called the ex and said "holy crp, Cathy thinks I dumped son with you because I didn't want the bother with a sick child. He was happy, he was happy with the narrative because it absolved him from being drunk as a lord. That's when I snapped, and said things I meant but probably shouldn't have said.

The upshot of all this, was ex refused to pick up his son, until son agreed to admit I sent him over there even though I 'knew' he was sick. Son didn't want to take sides, so it's been 28 years since the two of them have spent any time together.

The bottom line of this overlong story is: even though child knew his father was being unreasonable, the abandonment ate at him. It was a rough 4 years after that, that I assumed was just teenager stuff. But he is still angry, and when his father contacted him via Facebook telling him how anxious he was to see his new grand daughter, son told him he didn't want his daughter to be exposed to biological father or anybody else in dads family.

I wish I had been smart enough to get him hooked up with therapy, I chose Alanon., they were not equipped to help him.

I think I'm trying to tell you that I understand your child's puzzlement over his birth mother keeping in touch with his sisters but not interested in checking on him. It doesn't really hinge on how good you and your husband have been raising him, it's that awful notion that she was able to walk away without a second thought. Keep an eye on him, and if he starts to become difficult, please find a third party counselor to guide him through this mess. I have no doubt you've been a great mom, for him it's going to be "what was so important she left me behind". As adults we understand that some biological parents should never have children, but he isn't going o get ther in two weeks.

I think you are doing all the right things, but now that he knows, he needs to hear the reasons more times than once. I'm so sad you and your son are in this situation, his aunt is an idiot. I don't believe for a minute she just accidently showed him those pictures. She was being cruel, and you need to limit her time with your son. My second oldest nephew was told by his mothers sister that his mother loved the older son more than him. She did this when he was 8, I don't even want to relate what a shitstorm ensued until we found out what she said. Some people are just malicious, and it sucks when they hurt our children.

I don't know if this helps, it's too long, that's for sure. But my heart goes out to you and Mo for being unfairly victimized by an actual relative. I don't know if I could ever forgive her, especially since she was too gutless to tell her sister. I couldn't do that to my nephews or niece, she was being a bitch. Good luck getting thru this, it might take some time, but you've given Mo good grounding. I'm sure he will get past this.