I need some advice/guidance

@ossobuco,

The date is set! I've made a reservation requesting a quiet table, and warned them that we might linger.

Be thinking of me on the 16th at noon.

OM and I have been emailing back and forth a bit and I think we're both feeling more comfortable about things just from having opened the lines of communication.

I'd forgotten what a great sense of humor she has.

She seems to be in a really good place.

We've both confessed to a bad case of nerves.

We've exchanged phone numbers. For some reason that feels huge.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about everything.

One thing I hadn't really thought about until now -- the fact that he's trying to meet BOTH parents. I hope that doesn't cause a problem. I don't want one speaking bad about the other one and I'm not sure how to address that with each of them. I don't want them trying to "blame" the other for anything.

Still no word from OF. I have no idea about his internet access. I suppose I'll have to call Good Aunt.

Mo did have a call from Bad Aunt today. It was strange timing. If she tries to insert herself in this I'm going to kick her effing head in.

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@boomerang,

The way you and OM have gotten this far, and even with humor, and with mutual understanding of nerves is a relief to hear, from here.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

I don't want one speaking bad about the other one and I'm not sure how to address that with each of them. I don't want them trying to "blame" the other for anything.

You're not going to be able to stop them from saying anything once the meeting gets going, but you will be able to discuss with your son afterwards

Quote:

Mo did have a call from Bad Aunt today. It was strange timing. If she tries to insert herself in this I'm going to kick her effing head in.

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@boomerang,

Wow!!!! Have things ever moved on.

I do so hope it all works well for Mo!!!!

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@boomerang,

Quote:

Mo did have a call from Bad Aunt today. It was strange timing. If she tries to insert herself in this I'm going to kick her effing head in.

I think we'll all help you do that. Laughing

Fingers crossed for you on the 16th, but I think everything will go fine.

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Oh lordy.

I just got a nasty note back from OF.

I sent him a nice letter, similar to the one I sent OM, maybe even a little more sugar coated. He responded with an angry, bitter, two sentence reply demanding that I call him before he'll even meet with me.

I forwarded it to Mr. B and he said "That man is not allowed anywhere near Mo. Don't you dare call him (I wasn't planning on it). Don't even respond. Act like you never even received it."

I'm not sure if that's the right course of action and we're waiting until Mo isn't around to discuss it.

He's making it all about him.

What an asshole.

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@boomerang,

Wow, what a jerk! If he does reach out I urge you to keep him at arms length. Mo may be confused, but not as confused if he meets an angry bitter man. Almost sounds like he wants to proceed as if he had no part in creating the child. He doesn't get the power position here, he can't get near your son without you and your husbands approval and supervision.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

I'll just tell Mo that OF isn't ready. (Which is true. He obviously isn't.) It's no skin off my back.

The only reason I feel like I need to respond at all is so that Good Aunt will know what's happening. I don't want this to interfere with her relationship with Mo -- or with her brother. I feel like I owe her that. Good Aunt and I need to be on the same page in how we talk about it.

He's forgetting that he went two years without contacting Mo before we were able to adopt him and the year before that he spent less than 40 hours with Mo. So 40 hours over three years -- BEFORE his rights were terminated (which he did voluntarily).

I knew things were going too smoothly.

Oh well.....

1 Reply

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

He's making it all about him.

What an asshole.

Well, in all fairness, for him and his life, is is all about him.

If he's spent 40 hours in 3 years with the boy, the last 2 being zero contact before you adopted Mo, and I assume zero time since the adoption has gone through, he's already made his decision loud and clear.

I can understand how you feel at this moment boomer. But unless I'm reading the facts wrong, this is exactly the type of situation I've been referring to.
He wants nothing to do with Mo, he willingly gave him up, and has no interest in a relationship. He feels no obligation, and you know what? That's all right.

Hard as it is to hear, that doesn't make him an asshole. It makes him someone who has made it clear he's not part of Mo's life, and is now being contacted regarding Mo's life.

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@chai2,

Actually, he's the one who told his sister he wanted to meet with Mo and that is the only reason I wrote to him.

If he can't make it be about Mo too I can't think of one single reason to reintroduce him.

Quick edit: I've agreed with you all along that he doesn't owe Mo anything. He wanted to meet. I was trying to make it easy for him, at his sister's suggestion.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Good point. Whatever his reasons are for not wanting to see Mo, his desire not to should, in my opinion, be heeded, even if it's not "respected."

He can't be forced to see the boy and even if it was possible, it would likely be an ugly affair. It's tough on Mo if he actually wants to see him, but this is part of his life and he needs to find a way to deal with it. Most kids grow up with some family problems: divorce, alcoholism, death, abuse, or just not very good parents. I don't think an Ozzie & Harriet family has ever existed. It could be a lot worse for Mo because he has two loving parents.

If he wants to try and engage the guy when he's an adult, the option will be there.

I think Mr. B is right.

1 Reply

@Finn dAbuzz,

I just want to be clear:

He said he did want to meet Mo and that is the only reason I wrote to him.

1 Reply

@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

Actually, he's the one who told his sister he wanted to meet with Mo and that is the only reason I wrote to him.

If he can't make it be about Mo too I can't think of one single reason to reintroduce him.

Quick edit: I've agreed with you all along that he doesn't owe Mo anything. He wanted to meet. I was trying to make it easy for him, at his sister's suggestion.

I know you've agreed w/ me. I appreciate that.

Curious, when was it he said he wanted to meet mo?

Maybe it was long enough that he's changed.

1 Reply

@chai2,

The conversation started back in April: http://able2know.org/topic/240694-1

It was about 1 week ago that Good Aunt called me, saying he was ready and asking me to write to him. With his approval, she gave me his email address. I wrote the letter last Saturday, ran it by Good Aunt, got her stamp of approval, and emailed it on Sunday.

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@boomerang,

On July 29th I posted:

Quote:

Since I started writing this post I got a call from Good Aunt, OF's sister, to discuss the meet up between OF and Mo. Now I need to put together a letter to contact him and assure him that everything will be okay.

So the day he said he wanted to see Mo was July 29th.

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@boomerang,

Sigh. People generally don't get to be ex-parents due to their emotional intelligence and capacity to put the needs of their child first.

Sounds as though OM has come a long way, but OF is lagging behind.

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@boomerang,

boomerang wrote:

On July 29th I posted:

Quote:
Since I started writing this post I got a call from Good Aunt, OF's sister, to discuss the meet up between OF and Mo. Now I need to put together a letter to contact him and assure him that everything will be okay.

So the day he said he wanted to see Mo was July 29th.

Oh.

Well, then, he is an asshole.

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@boomerang,

I didn't get that before.

Then he's, at best, confused and mercurial. (and probably an asshole as well).

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@boomerang,

Maybe Good Aunt can help OF sort this out for himself a bit more. He could well be freaked out by the idea that he may actually meet Mo again - and Mo will find out what he's all about. That's a very scary freaky idea for some people.

It seems too soon/too fast for OF to process. He doesn't have much experience of good parenting as I recall.

It's not your job to parent him, for sure, but you can help Mo manage the schmozzle this all could turn into. Mo is interested in meeting his parents - that can be managed and guided, but you can't really make the interest go away.

1 Reply

I think he thinks I'll come groveling.

I think he thinks he has some upper hand since I contacted him so he responded with some bizarre macho posturing. What he doesn't seem to realize is that I won't allow contact if I think he'll be a bad presence in Mo's life. Mo is my only concern. Mo will deal with the disappointment of having to wait much better than he'll deal with meeting a bitter, immature man.

I don't think he realizes that showing up and talking **** will not win Mo over.

I just feel bad that Good Aunt might be caught in the middle. We all really do like her and she and her husband have become important to Mo.

I've been getting some off the wall Facebook friend requests today -- people who went to the same high school of OF. I'm just deleting them.

I'm glad Mo's Facebook (which he never really uses) is under his nickname and not his real name.

1 Reply

I need some advice/guidance

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