I need some advice/guidance

Mr. B is worried that a response will really set him off. I am too. Still, I think his growing frustration with no response is really bad.

I crafted a response that left the door cracked open. The whole thing is only a few sentences long.

One sentence attempts to clear up his misconception that we immediately adopted Mo rather than waited 4 years.

This guy sound at least immature, and at worst nuts.

You need to be careful.

Do u consider him to be an un-stable personality ?
Does he know where u live ?

I will be careful.

I think he's very immature. According to Good Aunt, he finds it easier to be a "victim" instead of accepting responsibility for anything.

I don't know.

I don't think he knows where we live or really anything about us. I'll double check with Good Aunt.

Thank you all for continuing to read and offering advice. It's helping me to write things down and I just want a record of how things transpired. Perhaps I need to transfer it to a journal...

I went to pick Mo up at Good Aunts and we had a chance for a brief chat. I showed her the note I composed to send to OF and she thought it might help calm things down. I'm going to wait until tomorrow to send it since I know she has a special night out planned and I don't want him to spoil it by blowing up her phone with crap.

She did a really good job talking to Mo -- breaking the news that this wasn't going to be a good time for them to meet. He's a little downhearted but he gets it. Mo and I talked it over too and he realizes that he's pretty lucky to have the connections he already has to his bio family.

She assured me that he doesn't know where we live, what school Mo goes to, where Mr. B works or anything else personal about us. She doesn't think he's dangerous and pointed out that he's a few hours away without good transportation so the chance of him showing up is slim.

I've got my Facebook locked down and have warned Mo (luckily I had a really legitimate, alternative reason) to not accept friend requests from anyone he doesn't know.

So.

Moving on.

Less than a week until I meet with OM....

OF has calmed down A LOT. He sent me a coherent and rational email yesterday and I just now responded to it. I'm not pushing for them to get together; in fact, I'm saying we're going to have to take this at a glacial pace.

I think I was right -- that ignoring his first email for so long sent him into a tailspin and made things worse.

We got a call from his step-dad last night recounting the vitriolic phone call they received from him earlier in the week but voicing support for what we're doing. I'm sure we got the call from him and not OF's mom since she surely knows that her horribly abusive behavior towards her kids was outed to me by them.

One thing I've learned from all of this is that there are generations of families that look back on their parenthood with shame and guilt, as they well should. I can safely say that I won't have to do that. Except for his first few years Mo's had a charmed life. He's a happy person. I've raised a happy person!

Let's hope I'm not getting ready to wreck it....

I missed responding to Monday. Don't meant to not respond (you can probably fill in my responses if I flub up).

Good and good. His nerves are still going, from his side of things (I can now imagine, his mom and step dad). Families are a building, have hope for stepdad.

I did not expect this to be so much work. Gut wrenching work. Emotionally unstabilizing work. I did not expect so many lives to get upended. I did not expect to have to calm so many people's fears.

I think I'm laying a good foundation though. I hope so.

I have a mantra "preparation is 90% of success".

I teach my people at my restaurant this...constantly. It seems to work, so I believe it is true. Of course in my business a lot of what we do is managing expectations and then coming in just above it, this is what makes customers happy. Still, hard work is often required, and while doing it you need to believe that it might pay off in the end.

EDIT: in this case a lot of success/not success is based upon what MO's expectations are going in..that is what I was getting at.

"I've raised a happy person!"

I got all choked up reading that.

Gives me hope and renewed energy for all my munchkins.

Do you have any idea of how wonderful a gift you have given future generations of Mo stock?

Make sure you take some time for yourself in all of this.

A lot of things that have been tucked away are being exposed to light and there is just no way to know how it will go for everyone. Will this cause OF to contact his other child/ren? How will it effect Mo's sisters with OM? the dynamics in a lot of family groupings are going to change.

Do you have time for a mini-vacation with Mo and Mr. B and the dogs?

Good luck with OM.

I'd like to predict tears and laughter and joy. You cared very much for OM when she was about Mo's age. There's a deep core of love between you and I hope it helps with this step.

Something of which you and your husband can be very proud. It's what all good parents hope for: Their kids being happy. Anything more (successful career, wealth, etc) is pure gravy.

It's very unlikely that your son is going to stop being a happy person because of the impending meeting. If it doesn't go as well as you both hope it might, he'll get over it, and "being happy" is a generalized feeling. No one is happy 24/7. And if it doesn't go well, it won't be for lack of preparation and effort.

You're right. That's a good mantra.

I have prepared (everyone but Mo -- that's going to be the hardest part and I expect I'll have to deal with that tomorrow night) and I feel like I've honored everyone involved. Things could still go sideways but it won't be for lack of preparation.

I've been trying to ferret out Mo's expectations without giving too much away. I suppose I'll know a lot more about that tomorrow if (depending on what happens during lunch) I reveal that I've met with his OM and try to determine where this is headed.

I hope so, dlowan.

I have hope for all of your munchkins too. It's hard but it can happen.

The mental masochist in me can't help but keep thinking that the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train though.

I'm kind of a wreck today.

My life is about to change.

There is indeed a deep core of love.

And you would know. Besides the parties physically involved you're one of the few people who have been there from the start -- when I announced his birth on the Weekly World News thread back on Abuzz!

I'm expecting tears, laughter and joy; at least on my part. She's more guarded.

We're both scared shitless.

Getting away as a family is a great idea. I think I'll suggest it. We've got this weekend and one more before school starts. We know a perfect hide-away.

You're right. Mo's resilient. He's moved past the "OF isn't ready" already. It's actually provided us a good opportunity to discuss how hard this is for OF so I think Mo understands how complicated it is. Like most 13 year olds he can be really self centered and talking about this kind of thing lets him know he's not the center of the universe.

Yes it is indeed and I have no doubt it won't be easy, nor has the fat lady sung..... and there's mid adolescence to come, which throws all the puzzle pieces in the air anyway.

But he's doing very well. Look at some old threads.

Ha! The fat lady has arrived at the opera house but she hasn't even started warming up yet!

I've been thinking about this mid-adolescent thing....

I grew up with til death they did part parents so the whole "I'm going to go live with ______" never entered into the equation. Mr. B has some experience with that though.

We need to keep the grass green here and maybe we can avoid that.

Those old threads are stitched into my very being. Revisiting some of that stuff is what has made this so hard on me.