How old were you when you had your 1st boyfriend/girlfriend?

GracieGirl wrote:

20 when you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend? Why Thomas?

Back to you though. In all due respect, I think you're being naive about the "he doesn't get it" part. In an earlier incarnation of your profile, you said that your father is a prosecutor. If that was true---and I don't see why it wouldn't have been---he's a pro at thwarting what you were trying to do with him about kissing. If he really sniffs out bullshit for a living, what do you think the odds were that you could mislead him about kissing? I think you're missing a big part of the picture here. I missed it at first, too. But now that Sozobe raised it, I urge you to open your eyes to it.

I suspect your best shot is to own up to what you're really doing and stand up for it to your dad.

Come to think of it, didn't you also say in your earlier days here that your dad has a (male) partner? If you did and he is indeed bisexual, he almost certainly took flak in his life for loving whom he loved and kissing whom he kissed. Your willingness to take a stand has a good chance of earning his respect, whereas misleading him about your love life would not. I submit this for your consideration, but stop short of recommending it because I don't know your father.

I wonder how many parents would be happy with the idea of having a group of strange adults having such conversations with their children and not even knowing about those conversations occurring.

But I'm still gonna date Collin no matter what and I'm still gonna let him kiss me. It's my life and my body, and kissing isn't that big of a deal. My dad can get mad all he wants but he cant stop me from doing what i want and Im not even doing anything bad. Sorry if I sound like a brat but that's just how I feel and I don't think theres anything wrong with it.

I dont wanna have sex and I'm not gonna. So, that's not gonna happen to me.

I understand all that, Gracie, and I can also understand why your dad objects to your being involved in that sort of relationship just yet. For one thing, that he has made clear to you, he thinks the age difference between you and Collin is too great--he doesn't want you hanging out alone and "kissing and stuff" with a 15 year old boy. He knows what 15 year old boys are like, he was one, and I think that, on that score, you have to give him credit for having more experience and wisdom than you do. He's not being "stupid" he's being a lot more realistic than you are.

A two year age difference, at your time of life, is a big difference in terms of development, and Collin is at a different stage in his maturity than you are in your maturity--and that's not to mean you're a baby or immature in any way, it just means that you and a 15 year old boy may not be at the same place in your lives. If you don't think that two years is a big deal, think back to when you were 11. Haven't you changed in the last two years? Can't you handle things, and think about things, differently than you did two different years ago? And, don't you think that two years from now, when you're 15, that you'll probably be feeling a little differently and thinking a little differently than you are now? You're well aware of the changes in your body that go on as you mature, but your brain is developing and maturing too, and two years from now that brain will be functioning a little differently too in how it influences your emotions and perspective on things. Some things take time, growing up is one of those things. I know that's the sort of thing you hate to hear, but I think your dad is just trying to keep you from swimming beyond your depth, like a good lifeguard on the beach, and people with good sense don't completely ignore the lifeguard, even if they consider themselves good swimmers.

Apart from age differences, you do seem in a rush, not to date, but to jump into "a relationship", to have "a boyfriend" with all that that implies in terms of possessiveness, jealousies, conflicts, and what two people want from each other. Relationships are not always smooth sailing (what's with me and all of these ocean analogies ), and you must know that already, and they aren't things to just suddenly jump into. One advantage of dating, before it becomes "a relationship" is that it's more casual, less emotional, less important in terms of the place it occupies in your life. You seem to have missed a few steps along the way and are trying to jump feet first into "a relationship" and with someone who has two more years of social experience than you do.

For someone who seems so independent in other ways, I find it interesting you are so anxious to be part of "a couple". Do you understand what that's about? Why are you so fast to want to focus on just one boy and give him a central place in your life? This isn't just about possible sexual entanglements, it's also about emotions, and getting involved emotionally in ways that can unbalance your life in other respects--your life with your other friends, your involvement with school, your other interests--the more emotional space Collin, or any other boy, takes up in your life right now, the more other things he crowds out. And, while "kissing and stuff" is certainly nice, heartbreak and disappointment isn't, and you can't always pick and choose what you will get out of a relationship.

Your current battle with your dad reminds me of a conflict I had with my mom when I was 15 going on 16 about "THE DRESS". I saw this dress I wanted for my sweet 16 party and I wanted THAT DRESS. It was the height of fashion at the time, was skin tight and very sexy. I thought it was fantastic and I loved the way I looked in it. Naturally, my mother said, "It's much too old for you, it's not appropriate for someone your age, you can't have it." Well, those are fighting words, aren't they, Gracie? I screamed back, "You don't want me to grow up! Stop treating me like a baby! I think the dress looks great on me and you are just plain mean!"
The battle over that dress went on for at least two weeks, with all the door slamming, silent treatment, and dirty looks that are going on in your house. I felt like I hated my mother, and I let her know it. Like you, I was fighting for my autonomy and my independence, and it was a very important issue for me. I definitely felt grown-up enough for that dress. I lost the battle, I never got THE DRESS. My mother wisely ignored much of my obnoxious behavior those two weeks and then just offered to take me shopping so we could find a dress we'd both agree on. I sulked, but we went, and I settled for another dress. It's decades and decades and decades later, Gracie, but I still remember the fight over THAT DRESS, and I still remember what the dress looked like. In retrospective, however, I know that my mother was right. I actually didn't look great in that dress, I just thought I did--the image I saw of me in the dressing room mirror wasn't how I looked to other people in the dress. I really wasn't mature enough to carry that dress off, and it sent out an inappropriate and inaccurate image of who I was. My mother's judgment was better than mine, but my emotions prevented me from seeing it that way at the time. She could have gotten me the dress, just to shut me up, or make me happy, but, in retrospect, I'm really glad she didn't do that. She stuck to her guns, as a parent, and I respect her more for doing that. But I realized that only in hindsight.

The difference between my battle with my mom, and your current battle with your dad, is that your conflict with him involves issues of trust--particularly his ability to trust you--and that makes it much more serious than arguing over a dress. He learned of your "relationship" by reading about it--it wasn't something you talked with him about, or shared with him beforehand. So you, yes you, are the one who set off all the alarm bells in his head about what you were possibly doing behind his back. You sent him signals that maybe he can't trust you, and you're still sending those signals. So he reacted in a way to demonstrate his authority, to show you he's boss--he takes away your electronic toys, grounds you, etc. If he can't trust you, he's going to try to control you more. And you're forcing him to do that. If you want to be seen as more grown-up, and get treated in a mature way, then don't force him to treat you like a child. Let him know he can trust you, and don't do anything behind his back. Damaging his ability to trust you can have long-term unpleasant consequences for you, and your relationship with your father, and that's nothing to take lightly.

I think you are picking the wrong time to have this sort of battle with your father--just because you feel ready "to date" doesn't mean you are really ready to jump into "a relationship" with a 15 year old boy, and your dad really isn't being "stupid" about that. Boys will come and go from your life, but you'll always need and want your father in it, and you both need to trust each other, and I'm not just being corny about that. You need to trust that he does have your best interests at heart, even when he seems unreasonable, and he needs to trust that you won't deliberately defy him when he puts his foot down about something.
The business with Collin got off to a bad start because of how your dad found out about it, and, because of that, it's probably not going to get better in your father's mind. If you want to re-gain your father's trust, forget about having "a relationship" with Collin for the time being. Don't go behind your dad's back, don't hang out with Collin, or phone him, or text him, or go out alone with him, or kiss him. And tell you're dad you're going to do that because you want him to be able to trust you. Losing one minor battle is much better than losing the war, or escalating an even bigger war. Your dad will let you date, and become involved in "relationships, just give him a little time. And, if he feels he can trust you right now, to go along with him on this issue, that time will probably come much sooner rather than later.

GracieGirl wrote:

He's 15, He'll be 16 this February and I'll be 14 this May.

just wait til your dad figures out that Collin will be 16 when you're still 13

can you imagine a 13 year old boy you know dating a 10 year old girl?

weird eh

So, that means you're not on my side.

But I'm still gonna date Collin no matter what and I'm still gonna let him kiss me. It's my life and my body, and kissing isn't that big of a deal. My dad can get mad all he wants but he cant stop me from doing what i want and Im not even doing anything bad. Sorry if I sound like a brat but that's just how I feel and I don't think theres anything wrong with it.

Quote:

I suspect your best shot is to own up to what you're really doing and stand up for it to your dad.

Easier said than done, dude. And I'm not doing 'anything' really. And what am I supposed to say? "Look Dad, I'm gonna make out with Collin all I want, so you need to like it or get over it?"

Yeah right, that soo won't get me killed.

Why'd you think he was bisexual? Straight guys can be single parents too, Thomas.

I don't think I'm in a rush to be in a relationship, firefly. I think its more like, I'm excited and I'm happy to be in one. Do you know how much it sucks when all your friends are dating and all they talk about is their boyfriends and going out together and you're the only one, out of ALL of your friends who doesnt have a boyfriend? Now with Collin, I fit in more and it feels good to know that someone likes me and wants me to be their girlfriend.

Social experience, age and all that stuff doesnt matter firefly. All that matters is that I like him and he likes me. I don't care about all that other stuff and he doesnt either.

You knew your father didn't want you to get involved with dating before Collin began showing an interest in you and kissed you. But, you didn't stop Collin when he tried to kiss you, did you--even though it appears to have happened in school, which makes it even more questionable. Why didn't you stop Collin, and tell him you had to think about what was going on? That's the problem with being 13, Gracie, at your age impulse and emotion can take over and affect judgment.