79
   

How old were you when you had your 1st boyfriend/girlfriend?

 
 
GracieGirl
 
  1  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 11:28 am
@Thomas,
Thomas wrote:

GracieGirl wrote:
20 when you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend? Why Thomas? Confused


Back to you though. In all due respect, I think you're being naive about the "he doesn't get it" part. In an earlier incarnation of your profile, you said that your father is a prosecutor. If that was true---and I don't see why it wouldn't have been---he's a pro at thwarting what you were trying to do with him about kissing. If he really sniffs out bullshit for a living, what do you think the odds were that you could mislead him about kissing? I think you're missing a big part of the picture here. I missed it at first, too. But now that Sozobe raised it, I urge you to open your eyes to it.


How am I being naive?
Yup! He's a prosecutor and he can usually tell when I'm lying. But I'm his daughter, it's different from when he's working. And I didn't or wasn't trying to 'bullshit' him. I was being completely honest. I just didn't mention the kissing. It's not that I don't want him to know about it, well it kinda IS, but it's mostly that I don't know how to talk to him about it without it being weird or making him madder at me. But I'm still gonna date Collin no matter what and I'm still gonna let him kiss me. It's my life and my body, and kissing isn't that big of a deal. My dad can get mad all he wants but he cant stop me from doing what i want and Im not even doing anything bad. Sorry if I sound like a brat but that's just how I feel and I don't think theres anything wrong with it.

Quote:
I suspect your best shot is to own up to what you're really doing and stand up for it to your dad.


Easier said than done, dude. And I'm not doing 'anything' really. And what am I supposed to say? "Look Dad, I'm gonna make out with Collin all I want, so you need to like it or get over it?" Yeah right, that soo won't get me killed. Rolling Eyes

Quote:
Come to think of it, didn't you also say in your earlier days here that your dad has a (male) partner? If you did and he is indeed bisexual, he almost certainly took flak in his life for loving whom he loved and kissing whom he kissed. Your willingness to take a stand has a good chance of earning his respect, whereas misleading him about your love life would not. I submit this for your consideration, but stop short of recommending it because I don't know your father.


Laughing HAHAHA!!! Laughing I NEVER said that my dad had a 'male partner'! LOL
He's not gay or bisexual or any of that. I mean, I think I mentioned my uncle who's gay but I never said my dad.
My dads dating Katie, his girlfriend, but I only 'really' met her about a month ago because he's protective about bringing women around me and my sibs if he doesn't know if they're 'serious' or not. Lol.
And before Katie, he was single (I think). So I know I didn't say he had a 'partner' when I first joined because I barely knew about Katie and before her he was single for a while. LoL

Why'd you think he was bisexual? Straight guys can be single parents too, Thomas. Laughing Laughing Razz
ehBeth
 
  6  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 12:13 pm
@BillRM,
BillRM wrote:
I wonder how many parents would be happy with the idea of having a group of strange adults having such conversations with their children and not even knowing about those conversations occurring.


probably very few parents would be happy about this - which is why most people are encouraging Gracie to speak honestly with her father
0 Replies
 
firefly
 
  3  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 12:36 pm
@GracieGirl,
Quote:
But I'm still gonna date Collin no matter what and I'm still gonna let him kiss me. It's my life and my body, and kissing isn't that big of a deal. My dad can get mad all he wants but he cant stop me from doing what i want and Im not even doing anything bad. Sorry if I sound like a brat but that's just how I feel and I don't think theres anything wrong with it.

If you are already that closed minded on this issue, why bother soliciting advice/opinions/experiences from anyone here?

You are deliberately challenging your father's ability to lay down rules for you, and that's only going to provoke further conflict and attempts on his part to control and restrict you even more. Your life isn't your own yet--your father has every legitimate right to exercise his authority in this matter and other matters as well. Proving you can defy him will only wind up making your home-life more miserable. I honesty thought you had more common sense than that.

In a month, Collin may be interested in another girl, but you will still have to live with your father. You are being somewhat short-sighted. Think about that.

At what age has your father said it will be all right for you to begin dating? Why does he want you to wait until then? You have a twin sister the same age as you, how is she handling the issue of dating?
sozobe
 
  5  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 12:44 pm
Hi Gracie,

The hot state/ cold state thing effects everybody. Absolutely everybody with a functioning brain. You can't really avoid it.

Really though, when I mention it I'm thinking less about you (though it may well apply to you) than to Collin. I think what all of us -- the grownups here and you dad -- worry about is that you'll find yourself in a situation where Collin wants to do far more than you're comfortable doing, and what will happen then.

That's partly the age divide, partly the gender divide.

I'm absolutely not saying this WILL happen. I'm saying it's a worry, and explaining some of why.

By the way I don't want to imply that all teenaged boys are helpless pawns of their hormones -- they're not. When I was a teenager myself I knew plenty of teenaged boys who, even when they were in a hot state, were able to exert enough control to not do anything untoward. I also knew at least one who wasn't able to. And he was the nicest guy ever when he was in a cold (calm, rational) state.

Hopefully Collin's one of the first types.

Your dad doesn't know, though, and I think your best way forward is to recognize that, and not dismiss his feelings about it. I'd also recommend that you go ahead with taking things slowly with Collin for a bit. Text, hang out at school, but don't spend a lot of time together outside of school yet. Some, just not a lot.

That will allow your dad to calm down a bit and maybe get to know Collin a little bit gradually. And if Collin's a nice guy (and he seems to be), that can help reassure your dad. When he sees an actual nice guy instead of the Older Boyfriend of his imagination.

And it allows you to get maturity points which can then be applied towards future interactions with Collin, or anyone else.


Another by the way, to Firefly, one of the things we talked about earlier is the definition of "relationship" and what sort of signals that word sends. From what Gracie has said, I don't think she's in a relationship in the way us over-30's (arbitrary cut-off, not sure when that changed exactly) would define it.

But Facebook calls it a relationship (to avoid saying "boyfriend or girlfriend or wife or husband or life partner or third wife or significant other or..." probably). When that eighth-grader asked me to "go with him" and I said "yes," that probably would've been about enough grounds to change my status to "in a relationship" on Facebook. OK I dunno about that part, but I do think that the definition is significantly different by age. (And that "relationship" means something much less serious to Gracie than it does to most of us.)
shewolfnm
 
  6  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 02:37 pm
@firefly,

Quote:
I dont wanna have sex and I'm not gonna. So, that's not gonna happen to me.


I said that too..

I said " I dont wanna be a mother, so it wont happen to me"

used a condom even.... at the age of 19 I was a mother.


the best thing you can do for yourself so you can FULLY enjoy your life is to realize that EVERYTHING can happen to you. Once you know that, you stop being worried because you take appropriate precautions.
It really IS that easy Smile
FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 05:40 pm
@GracieGirl,
Gracie,

Off course he wouldn't trust you and still be mad.

You're lying behind his back, so he can't trust you:)

I know being a teenager is sooo hard, and the rebel has come out in you:)

Until you are 16, you will always be seen as a child in his eyes and even at 16, then he'll have a baseball bat out, probably rightly so, you're cute, bubbly, out-going, can you imagine how he is really feeling, his fear?

There is only one thing in this world I dis-like immensely that is lying.

It's better to tell the truth if you want him to trust you, remember, talk like an Adult, one on one, and remember he was a boy once, off course he is protecting you... You will protect someone one day, your daughter or son.

It's life, sweet there isn't much you can do about it, try to find a compromise if you can...
ossobuco
 
  1  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 05:52 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Gracie, you hide your phone in school and by extension, from your father, and brag about it and remain recalcitrant re being alone with a fifteen year old (fine or bad, what do I know, or you know). All sneaky and glad. You are very adamant re your frankly ignorant point of view. Listen to your 'stupid' father.

I'll admit romance is possible. Boys can care. However, watch your ass, and do not assume you are above it all.

You seem not to have been catapulted by hormones yet. Stay tuned.

0 Replies
 
GracieGirl
 
  1  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 06:23 pm
@firefly,
firefly wrote:

I understand all that, Gracie, and I can also understand why your dad objects to your being involved in that sort of relationship just yet. For one thing, that he has made clear to you, he thinks the age difference between you and Collin is too great--he doesn't want you hanging out alone and "kissing and stuff" with a 15 year old boy. He knows what 15 year old boys are like, he was one, and I think that, on that score, you have to give him credit for having more experience and wisdom than you do. He's not being "stupid" he's being a lot more realistic than you are.


Im being realistic firefly. He's being overprotective.
Not all 15 year old guys are the same. I know Collin. He's a good person and he cares about me. ALL of my friends are older so it makes sense that I'd wanna date an older guy, right? I dont hang out with guys my age.
I understand how my dad's thinking but he's not even trying to understand how I feel. It doesnt matter to him. 'He's right, Im wrong.' That's all he cares about. Sad

Quote:
A two year age difference, at your time of life, is a big difference in terms of development, and Collin is at a different stage in his maturity than you are in your maturity--and that's not to mean you're a baby or immature in any way, it just means that you and a 15 year old boy may not be at the same place in your lives. If you don't think that two years is a big deal, think back to when you were 11. Haven't you changed in the last two years? Can't you handle things, and think about things, differently than you did two different years ago? And, don't you think that two years from now, when you're 15, that you'll probably be feeling a little differently and thinking a little differently than you are now? You're well aware of the changes in your body that go on as you mature, but your brain is developing and maturing too, and two years from now that brain will be functioning a little differently too in how it influences your emotions and perspective on things. Some things take time, growing up is one of those things. I know that's the sort of thing you hate to hear, but I think your dad is just trying to keep you from swimming beyond your depth, like a good lifeguard on the beach, and people with good sense don't completely ignore the lifeguard, even if they consider themselves good swimmers.


Thats not fair firefly. 11 and 13 are different from 13 and 15. 11 is still a kid but 13 and 15 are both teenagers. I know that when Im 15, I'll be more mature than I already am and I'll probably be smarter too. I understand what you're saying.But I think that Im mature enough to date Collin right now. Girls are maturer than boys right? So, even though Collin's 2 years older, I could still be just as mature as he is. And if we're not on the same 'maturity' stage or level or whatever, then who cares? When Im with Collin it doesnt even seem like he's older. We like the same stuff, we're always joking around and having fun and everythings great. So, him being older isnt as big of a deal as you guys think it is.

Quote:
Apart from age differences, you do seem in a rush, not to date, but to jump into "a relationship", to have "a boyfriend" with all that that implies in terms of possessiveness, jealousies, conflicts, and what two people want from each other. Relationships are not always smooth sailing (what's with me and all of these ocean analogies Laughing), and you must know that already, and they aren't things to just suddenly jump into. One advantage of dating, before it becomes "a relationship" is that it's more casual, less emotional, less important in terms of the place it occupies in your life. You seem to have missed a few steps along the way and are trying to jump feet first into "a relationship" and with someone who has two more years of social experience than you do.


I don't think I'm in a rush to be in a relationship, firefly. I think its more like, I'm excited and I'm happy to be in one. Do you know how much it sucks when all your friends are dating and all they talk about is their boyfriends and going out together and you're the only one, out of ALL of your friends who doesnt have a boyfriend? Now with Collin, I fit in more and it feels good to know that someone likes me and wants me to be their girlfriend.
What steps did I miss? I'm kinda confused about that part. Confused
Social experience, age and all that stuff doesnt matter firefly. All that matters is that I like him and he likes me. I dont care about all that other stuff and he doesnt either.

Quote:
For someone who seems so independent in other ways, I find it interesting you are so anxious to be part of "a couple". Do you understand what that's about? Why are you so fast to want to focus on just one boy and give him a central place in your life? This isn't just about possible sexual entanglements, it's also about emotions, and getting involved emotionally in ways that can unbalance your life in other respects--your life with your other friends, your involvement with school, your other interests--the more emotional space Collin, or any other boy, takes up in your life right now, the more other things he crowds out. And, while "kissing and stuff" is certainly nice, heartbreak and disappointment isn't, and you can't always pick and choose what you will get out of a relationship.


Independent people like to have boyfriends too firefly. Collin is the only guy that's ever asked me out and I like him. I really like him and I have for a long time. So, when he asked me out, I thought I was gonna die! Laughing
I mean, last year I was the nerdy, quiet kid that no one really hung out with and now the cutest,sweetest guy in school (I think Smile) wants to date me. What do you expect me to do? Everything's going great for me and my dad's messing stuff up. He doesn't understand.

Quote:
Your current battle with your dad reminds me of a conflict I had with my mom when I was 15 going on 16 about "THE DRESS". I saw this dress I wanted for my sweet 16 party and I wanted THAT DRESS. It was the height of fashion at the time, was skin tight and very sexy. I thought it was fantastic and I loved the way I looked in it. Naturally, my mother said, "It's much too old for you, it's not appropriate for someone your age, you can't have it." Well, those are fighting words, aren't they, Gracie? I screamed back, "You don't want me to grow up! Stop treating me like a baby! I think the dress looks great on me and you are just plain mean!"
The battle over that dress went on for at least two weeks, with all the door slamming, silent treatment, and dirty looks that are going on in your house. I felt like I hated my mother, and I let her know it. Like you, I was fighting for my autonomy and my independence, and it was a very important issue for me. I definitely felt grown-up enough for that dress. I lost the battle, I never got THE DRESS. My mother wisely ignored much of my obnoxious behavior those two weeks and then just offered to take me shopping so we could find a dress we'd both agree on. I sulked, but we went, and I settled for another dress. It's decades and decades and decades later, Gracie, but I still remember the fight over THAT DRESS, and I still remember what the dress looked like. In retrospective, however, I know that my mother was right. I actually didn't look great in that dress, I just thought I did--the image I saw of me in the dressing room mirror wasn't how I looked to other people in the dress. I really wasn't mature enough to carry that dress off, and it sent out an inappropriate and inaccurate image of who I was. My mother's judgment was better than mine, but my emotions prevented me from seeing it that way at the time. She could have gotten me the dress, just to shut me up, or make me happy, but, in retrospect, I'm really glad she didn't do that. She stuck to her guns, as a parent, and I respect her more for doing that. But I realized that only in hindsight.


I liked your story. You sound alot like me. Smile Thanks, I get your point about 'Sometimes parents know best' and 'hindsight' and stuff.

Quote:
The difference between my battle with my mom, and your current battle with your dad, is that your conflict with him involves issues of trust--particularly his ability to trust you--and that makes it much more serious than arguing over a dress. He learned of your "relationship" by reading about it--it wasn't something you talked with him about, or shared with him beforehand. So you, yes you, are the one who set off all the alarm bells in his head about what you were possibly doing behind his back. You sent him signals that maybe he can't trust you, and you're still sending those signals. So he reacted in a way to demonstrate his authority, to show you he's boss--he takes away your electronic toys, grounds you, etc. If he can't trust you, he's going to try to control you more. And you're forcing him to do that. If you want to be seen as more grown-up, and get treated in a mature way, then don't force him to treat you like a child. Let him know he can trust you, and don't do anything behind his back. Damaging his ability to trust you can have long-term unpleasant consequences for you, and your relationship with your father, and that's nothing to take lightly.


I didnt mean to post it on facebook and I know I should have talked to him about it and I shouldnt have tried to hide it from him. I already apologized for that. It was a mistake. He cant not trust me anymore over one little thing. I dont wanna do stuff behind his back but what can I do? If I told him I was dating he still wouldve flipped out.

Quote:
I think you are picking the wrong time to have this sort of battle with your father--just because you feel ready "to date" doesn't mean you are really ready to jump into "a relationship" with a 15 year old boy, and your dad really isn't being "stupid" about that. Boys will come and go from your life, but you'll always need and want your father in it, and you both need to trust each other, and I'm not just being corny about that. You need to trust that he does have your best interests at heart, even when he seems unreasonable, and he needs to trust that you won't deliberately defy him when he puts his foot down about something.
The business with Collin got off to a bad start because of how your dad found out about it, and, because of that, it's probably not going to get better in your father's mind. If you want to re-gain your father's trust, forget about having "a relationship" with Collin for the time being. Don't go behind your dad's back, don't hang out with Collin, or phone him, or text him, or go out alone with him, or kiss him. And tell you're dad you're going to do that because you want him to be able to trust you. Losing one minor battle is much better than losing the war, or escalating an even bigger war. Your dad will let you date, and become involved in "relationships, just give him a little time. And, if he feels he can trust you right now, to go along with him on this issue, that time will probably come much sooner rather than later.


Shocked "Forget about a relationship with Collin, dont hang out with him, or call him, or text him, or go out alone with him, or kiss him." Shocked

What?! So, Im just suppose to break up with him just because my dad's freaking out over nothing? I shouldnt talk to him or hang out with him at all because my dad feels like he cant trust me because I said I was 'in a relationship' on facebook without talking to him first? Thats soo unfair. You sound just like dad.
There's no way Im doing that. Im happy with Collin. We have fun and hangout and its great and we're not doing anything wrong.

I DO want my dad to trust me but I dont see why I have to break up with Collin for him that to happen. Nooo Way.




[/quote]
GracieGirl
 
  1  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 06:24 pm
@Roberta,
So, that means you're not on my side. Sad
GracieGirl
 
  1  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 06:24 pm
@Eva,
Ok Eva. Smile
0 Replies
 
GracieGirl
 
  1  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 06:26 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

GracieGirl wrote:

He's 15, He'll be 16 this February and I'll be 14 this May.


just wait til your dad figures out that Collin will be 16 when you're still 13

can you imagine a 13 year old boy you know dating a 10 year old girl?

weird eh


Thats not fair. He'll only be 16 while Im 13 for 3 moths. He's only 2 years older.
13 and 11 are way different from 16 and 13.
11 is just a little kid but 13 and 16 are both teenagers.
thack45
 
  2  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 06:50 pm
Not to be an ass, but I knew this day would come.

Gracie, you have won me over on this forum. I was initially quite uncomfortable with a 13yo girl on this site but came to enjoy and respect some of your questions and posts. But you just cannot expect a bunch of 30, 40, 50 ... and so on aged people - possessing the mere happenstance of hindsight - to go along with everything that you feel.

This is not to say that their advice is not... advisable. But if you don't wish to take it than you are, like others in similar situations, in some sense on your own.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  5  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 07:20 pm
@GracieGirl,
Just because you say there is no difference doesn't mean there is none, Gracie.
In fact there is a huge difference between 13 and 16 - and I know so because I have gone through this with my daughter. Even with 15 she was more mature and reasonable than with 13. Boys have an entirely different agenda altogether and someone said that already - they are driven by hormones and all they have in mind is getting to second base and have sex. No matter how sweet and innocent Collin is, if given the opportunity he will convince you that kissing alone won't satisfy either one of you.

What you're demonstrating here with each post is defiance - you don't want to listen and you don't want to realize that just every one in here is siding with your dad. Acting in this manner doesn't show maturity at all, on the contrary it's quite childlike. This isn't bad, Gracie, as you act exactly as
someone your age acts - perfectly normal for your age group. You are just as mature as any 13 year old should be, however, you're not mature enough to date, period! At this point - if you were my daughter - I would tell you: end of discussion and what part of NO don't you understand?

I have a feeling your dad did the same.
Thomas
 
  3  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 07:36 pm
@GracieGirl,
GracieGirl wrote:
So, that means you're not on my side. Sad

It's not about taking sides, Gracie. It's about giving you the best advice we can. Sometimes, their best advice disagrees with what you want to hear. But disagreement isn't the same as being against you. There are lots of people in this thread I disagree with frequently; it doesn't keep any of us from being friends.
Thomas
 
  2  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 08:09 pm
@GracieGirl,
GracieGirl wrote:
But I'm still gonna date Collin no matter what and I'm still gonna let him kiss me. It's my life and my body, and kissing isn't that big of a deal. My dad can get mad all he wants but he cant stop me from doing what i want and Im not even doing anything bad. Sorry if I sound like a brat but that's just how I feel and I don't think theres anything wrong with it.

I agree. But I am not your father. There's no value to you in my approval. Smile

GracieGirl wrote:
Quote:
I suspect your best shot is to own up to what you're really doing and stand up for it to your dad.


Easier said than done, dude. And I'm not doing 'anything' really. And what am I supposed to say? "Look Dad, I'm gonna make out with Collin all I want, so you need to like it or get over it?"

"Dad, I understand that you're trying to protect me, and I appreciate that. But I think you need to ask yourself a question: As I struggle with the challenges of being a teenager, do you want an open line of communication between us on which we can talk about problems like rational humans? Or do you want to drive a wedge between you and me in a futile attempt to drive a wedge between Colin and me?

Because, let's face it, it is a futile attempt. You can yell at me, you can ground me when I'm home, but while you work and I go to school, you have no control over what I'm doing there. When I'm at school, I will do with Colin what I think is right. The only realistic way for you to influence that is by persuasion. I urge you to use it. You can no longer intimidate me with your yelling and your threats. But I promise you that I will always listen to your advice. We'll get along better, and you still can do your job as a father to guide me."

To repeat, I'm not actually recommending that. But in the spirit of thinking through scenarios, this is how I would play out this scenario. Consider putting it in an email. Parents, too, have their hot states and their cold states, and he will likely be in a hot state when he hears what you have to say.

GracieGirl wrote:
Yeah right, that soo won't get me killed. Rolling Eyes

Depends on what you mean by "killed". If you go that route, there will definitely be yelling. There may well be broken glass and porcelain in the kitchen. And if your father is the hitting type, you may also end up with a slap in your face. Is this scenario possible? I think so. Would its outcome be worth the trouble? Only you can decide that.

GracieGirl wrote:
Why'd you think he was bisexual? Straight guys can be single parents too, Thomas. Laughing Laughing Razz

Bi rather than straight, because my memory had your dad mixed up with your uncle. Bi rather than gay, because he has fathered three children. My bad!
Eva
 
  2  
Fri 9 Dec, 2011 09:07 pm
@Thomas,
Gracie Girl wrote:
So, that means you're not on my side.

It's not about taking sides, Gracie. It's about giving you the best advice we can. Sometimes, their best advice disagrees with what you want to hear. But disagreement isn't the same as being against you. There are lots of people in this thread I disagree with frequently; it doesn't keep any of us from being friends.

AMEN! I absolutely agree with you, Thomas...on this, anyway! Smile
firefly
 
  3  
Sat 10 Dec, 2011 11:42 am
@GracieGirl,
Quote:
I don't think I'm in a rush to be in a relationship, firefly. I think its more like, I'm excited and I'm happy to be in one. Do you know how much it sucks when all your friends are dating and all they talk about is their boyfriends and going out together and you're the only one, out of ALL of your friends who doesnt have a boyfriend? Now with Collin, I fit in more and it feels good to know that someone likes me and wants me to be their girlfriend.

Gracie, I absolutely understand what you are saying, and I do understand your feelings. You want to fit in with the other girls, and you want to feel just as attractive and appealing to boys as the other girls are--that's all normal. And Collin, in paying attention to you, and wanting to spend time with you, is making you feel special, and that's normal too.
Quote:
Social experience, age and all that stuff doesnt matter firefly. All that matters is that I like him and he likes me. I don't care about all that other stuff and he doesnt either.

That's where you're wrong, Gracie. Things like social experience and age do matter--and that's what your father is making such a flap about. If Collin were 13, your father would be less concerned about the nature of the relationship and what was likely to go on between the two of you. Those 2 years make a big difference, both in biological development and social development, and that's especially true for a boy in terms of his sexual development. There is no way around the fact that that age gap matters, in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, at your age, no much how much you choose to deny it. For you to say it just doesn't matter, shows just how immature, and naive, you are being--if you had those two extra years of living under your belt, and you were 15, you would better understand why the age gap, and the gender gap, matters--for one thing, you would know and understand boys better, and you'd hopefully have more experience socializing with them in groups before pairing off alone with them.

The problem is that the girls you are comparing yourself to, and that you want to emulate and fit in with, are also 2 years older than you are--and they are at a different place in their social development than you are. Just because they are your classmates, or friends, doesn't mean you're entitled to do everything they are allowed to do apart from schoolwork--you are considerably younger than they are, and that's a fact you have to face and learn to live with. Your father isn't being "over protective" he's acting like the average parent of a 13 year old. Most 13 year old girls are not going on unsupervised dates with boys, let alone boys who are 2 years older than they are, and most 13 year old girls are not not allowed to spend time alone with a particular boyfriend doing "kissing and stuff". So, you're expecting your father to agree to something that most fathers would probably not agree to for a daughter your age. You're the one being unreasonable about that, not your dad.
You are also responding to peer pressure, that's what trying to "fit in" is all about. And you're caving into that peer pressure, whether you realize it or not, and ignoring all words of caution, even from the people here, about what you are doing. That's not so good, Gracie, in terms of what it says about your judgment--your judgment is still very much on a 13 year old level, and that's why your father has to lay down some rules, and insist you go along with them. Just because something "feels good" doesn't mean you should be doing it, particularly at your age. You are less aware of, and less concerned about, consequences, than you will be, even 2 years from now. Your father has to be protective--he has to protect you, or try to protect you, from errors in judgment you might make now, and not even be aware of--that's his job as a parent. You can't call all the shots, and just do what you want, you are not on equal footing with your father. Whether or not you think that's "fair" is beside the point--it's not a situation that's meant to be "fair"--parents have rights, and powers, and legal obligations, that their children don't have. Your independence is limited at this point in your life--and your father has every reason, and right, to impose those limits--even on things that "feel good" to you, or that help you to "fit in" with your older classmates.

You knew your father didn't want you to get involved with dating before Collin began showing an interest in you and kissed you. But, you didn't stop Collin when he tried to kiss you, did you--even though it appears to have happened in school, which makes it even more questionable. Why didn't you stop Collin, and tell him you had to think about what was going on? That's the problem with being 13, Gracie, at your age impulse and emotion can take over and affect judgment. You knowingly got yourself into a situation you knew your father didn't want you in yet. First you defied him, then you tried to convince him, always a bad sequence to follow with dads, Gracie. He'll react to the defiance first, which makes him less likely to listen to your convincing arguments.

Have you told Collin that your father really doesn't want you involved with him as a boyfriend? If Collin is really such a decent kid, he should be somewhat concerned with getting you to do something that your father clearly doesn't want you to do. He shouldn't want to get you into trouble, and he shouldn't want to encourage you to just flaunt your father's authority, not if he's a decent kid who has some respect for his own parents and their authority over him. How much of this situation have you actually discussed with Collin?

Your father isn't just the dad of one 13 year old girl, he's the father of two of them. That's why I asked you where your twin sister stands on the whole issue of dating and boyfriends. Whatever rules your dad lays down for you, he lays down for her too, right? Do the three of you sit down together to discuss this whole issue? When does your father feel you will both be old enough to date and pair off with boyfriends?

This isn't about taking sides, Gracie. I understand your side and I fully appreciate your feelings. I was once a 13 year old girl, and I had those feelings too. But I can understand the adult, and parental, perspective on this much better than you can, partly because I'm not as emotionally involved in the situation as you are, and, obviously, because I am also an adult and I can understand your father's feelings as well. So, whatever I say to you, takes both sides into account, and I hope it will broaden your own understanding, even a little.



The Pentacle Queen
 
  1  
Sat 10 Dec, 2011 12:37 pm
Who tagged this as 'kindergarten'. Lolz.
0 Replies
 
shewolfnm
 
  1  
Sat 10 Dec, 2011 12:44 pm
Laughing

yes... ALL 15 year old boys ARE the same.
They are ALL thinking about sex.

it is NOT a judgment of character to say a boy is thinking about sex a lot. It is a physiological development. The hormones that are present in the human body at the age of 15 MAKES their body crave sex. That is not a bad thing. Wanting and thinking about sex is not a bad thing and it does not make a boy a bad guy. It makes him human.
There is nothing WRONG with that.

Just know that is what is going on for him physically. But dont think it makes him a bad guy. It never does. Its just part of the human body growing up.
Just like your body is now pushing forth breasts non stop... and there is nothing you can do about it. Doesnt make you a slut to have boobs, doesnt make you easy to wear clothes that show them off.. its part of growing up.
Boys are the same.
They think about sex because their hormones MAKE THEM horny with out any control.

yes . at 15 all boys THINK the same. Its not their choice.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  3  
Sat 10 Dec, 2011 12:52 pm
@firefly,
firefly wrote:
You knew your father didn't want you to get involved with dating before Collin began showing an interest in you and kissed you. But, you didn't stop Collin when he tried to kiss you, did you--even though it appears to have happened in school, which makes it even more questionable. Why didn't you stop Collin, and tell him you had to think about what was going on? That's the problem with being 13, Gracie, at your age impulse and emotion can take over and affect judgment.


Well, I don't think that's quite fair.

The whole "stopping him from kissing you" thing. She likes him, and has for a long time, and he asks her out (yay!) and then kisses her (yay!) -- these are things she's happy about, and I think that's fine. I don't think that in and of itself it's anything she has to feel bad about. It also doesn't sound like it was something where impulse and emotion were really the main factors -- she wanted to kiss him before the kiss, she wanted to kiss him during the kiss, she wanted to kiss him after the kiss. Not something she regretted.

What she's asked is where to go from here, since her dad is not happy?

That's the context in which I've talked about her dad's perspective. I think it's most helpful for her to recognize that his concerns are valid, rather than dismissing him with a "you don't understand" and thereby cutting off further communication on this.

There are things they don't understand about each other right now, and that's the tough part.

Hopefully, Gracie, you guys will find away to talk about this since this won't be the last time it comes up....!

Any progress since we heard from you last?
 

Related Topics

 
Copyright © 2022 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.06 seconds on 07/04/2022 at 07:24:05