A very angry little boy.

Hey Abbie

He's understandably confused and upset.

I worry a little for you having to cope with the load you are bearing...

but...

there are people that can help Indi

my friend's child went to these people

http://www.jeremiahsjourney.org.uk/about-us/who-are-we.html

there are different agencies around that can help

Bereavement Services usually (the ones I spoke with which included CRUSE http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ ) do not usually see families immediately - I know, that doesn't seem to make much sense to me either - they allow a grieving period, adjustment period... a timescale of when they can then counsel the family...

however, I spoke to a wonderful lady on the CRUSE helpline, they may be able to give you some good advice.

I sound pretty clinical here - don't mean to - but, there are people here who can help, on A2K and..... in the UK.

I've PM'd you something more local to you. Maybe give them a call, they do understand and they can offer help - it may not be immediate tho.

I think if your parents could maybe talk to Indi's school too, the teachers there may be able to help. There will be a SENCO there - they deal with the Special Educational Needs of children. Your SENCO at your school could help as they will have the resources and they know who to contact.

If you need more info there... feel free to ask.

He is still a perfectly normal little boy. Going through a rough patch is all.

Sorry to hear it. I have had some similar experiences with relatives (though not my own kids) and seeing a counselor, someone outside the family, was effective in helping.

I hope you can help him find the peace he needs to move on!

Cycloptichorn

Yeah, me too.

Thanks

A-M

I'd suggest counseling too. I mean, even if he's always hated it, uh, he's 6. Perhaps he'll feel differently about it.

He really needs to have an outlet for these emotions which does not involve shouting at other kids, etc.

Yeah, i think i'm just going to keep pushing for the counseling.
Izzie's sent me some links and stuff, they look pretty promising, and i'll nag the Pastoral Care officer again tomorrow.
Night.

Abbie, I can assure you that he is NOT just going through a rough patch. The symptoms you describe are real and it may take a long time for the hurt to heal.

How do I know this? Because we are raising a 10 ½ year old boy that lost his 2 month old baby brother when he was 6 years old. The same age as your brother.

We experienced the same thing with the clinging and hiding behind us when we took him to school. He was in grade 1 at the time and had an older male teacher. <more on that later>

On one occassion he actually left the school. They didn't even know he left and it was me who found him. His school work suffered greatly and he effectively lost an entire year of school. The year started at the beginning of September and his brother died mid August. He became withdrawn and hard to get through to. He had little interest in most things despite trying to involve him in everything. He could not understand why his brother died.

We have always attended church regularly and he did not blame God. He did not blame us. He did not blame his absentee father. He did not blame his half-sister and he did not blame himself. Although he too had thoughts of jealousy etc. that he thought may have been part of it. Like you, we explained to him that Christopher died because he was sick, not because of anything that was or was not done.

We expressed our concerns to the school and to his teacher. The man that was mentioned earlier. The teacher was no help at all and only shared the fact that he had terrible feelings when his mother died. This man was an adult at the time. No help here. Maybe even a cause of regression.

The school was of little help other than providing a counsellor when necessary at the school. I question the credentials of said counseller. His school work continued to suffer and we realized that was because he had lost grade one and they promoted him to grade two where he struggled even more. It actually took a couple more years for him to catch up. His reading, math etc. suffered greatly. He is now in grade 5 and has finally become the academic student that we knew he could be. He went from C's & D's to A's & B's this year.

What I am trying to say is that the anger, yelling, improper social behaviour etc. will run their course and with your help and love should become part of the past. Talk to him often of his sister because he finds it hard to be apart from her and your sharing of her memory keeps her with you both.

Our guy still speaks of Christopher even though he was only two months of age when he died. He now has a 3 year old half brother and though it was hard at first, they are best buds despite the age difference. Christopher would be 4 now.

I have recently spoken to him about his feelings back then and he felt mostly anger and frustration in not being able to do anything. After all.... he was the big brother.

In your case, your brother was the little brother and your sister was closer in age to him than you are. From your posts, it seems that you have the adult roll that has been somehow delegated from your parents. You have shown a maturity in your posts and that is a good thing for your brother.

Even though I don't know you, I must admit that I did shed a tear when your sister eventually passed. I had been following from the beginning. When such a thing affects total strangers, you can imagine how it affects your brother.

Love him, nurture him and keep his mind occupied.

You could have picked something else for your first post.

Ok, perhaps i didn't make that part clear.

He hasn't always hated counsiling. My mother barely knows her own son, infact, his last counsiler was a really nice guy who my brother considered a friend.

I would never force my brother into activies he hated unless nessisary. Do you suggest that i stop taking him to school and let him sit at home all day?

Personally, what i would say is making him angry is the 5 year suffering and eventual witnessing of the death of an amazing sister who he and we all adored.

I would do anything for my siblings so i'd say you've got some nerve to accuse me of abusing him.

boo hoo

so you claim it didn't work for you, so no one should do it

grow up

That's sort of like 'forcing' someone who has a broken leg to see a doctor.

Sure, they can stay crippled if they want. But it's foolish, and it's the job of those who look after a child to keep such foolish things from happening.

Cycloptichorn

i disagree, all doctors and non doctors can agree someone's leg is broken but you'll never find 2 "counsellors" to agree on a course of action

i think the little boy is abused and if i can do anything to stop the abuse i have to try, so what's your problem with that????

Silent as he may remain, personally, i'd rather my brother grows up to have taken only positive things from the amazing fight my sister put up. I'd rather he found way to express his feelings so he didn't feel so confused. I would rather he was able to talk to someone other than me, who can help him.

I will not sit back and watch my brother fall apart emotionally, nor will i watch a highly intelligent child throw all that away.

No, it is not right to force children into UNNESSIARY actions however, by not encouraging him to have counsiling and go to Judo and other activities, that i would consider abuse.

You are quite incorrect about that. What experience do you have with the field of counseling and psychology which would lead you to make such a statement?

Nothing that I read in the above account points to abuse of the child; on the contrary, he is clearly experiencing emotional distress. Why you would want him to continue to suffer in silence is beyond my ken, when he could move forward by discussing his problems with people who are trained to help.

I think your attitude against Counselors probably reveals much more about yourself then it says about anything else. Whatever bad experience that you had, isn't the case for many others, so don't pre-judge their ability to be helped.

Cycloptichorn

First of all. **** off.
Then, tell exactly how i am "abusing" him.
Have I not already said that he has nothing against counsiling?
I hope to god you don't have a brother.

You sound like a real asshole, you know that? Why don't you try and show some compassion to someone who recently had a death in the family.

Children are not considered to be competent judges of whether or not they need to go to counseling, and for good reason; they don't have the perspective it takes to understand how it can help.

I would guess that you are not an adult and also lack the ability to judge what would and would not be helpful. Please don't take bad experiences that you may have had and assume that everyone's experiences would be as bad.

Cycloptichorn