A very angry little boy.

@OmSigDAVID,

It's not out of the question at all, it was something my parents considered. Lilia was home school a lot of the time for obvious reasons. The only problem is that by letting him hide away from everyone, I don't know if that would help him or make it worse.

Quote:

Spend as much time with him as possible

Now I read that again, I wonder if because I've not spent as much time with him recently, could be adding to why he's so, "clingy"

I've got 2 years of coursework to catch up on, and 4 months to do it in, so I haven't spent quite as much time with him, or May for that point.

Damn.

A-M

2 Replies

@Izzie,

I'm thinking that I need an extra 24 hours every day.

I am never having children Smile

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

It's not out of the question at all, it was something my parents considered.
Lilia was home school a lot of the time for obvious reasons.
The only problem is that by letting him hide away from everyone,
I don't know if that would help him or make it worse.

Most respectfully, if u think it woud make it worse,
then re-read your description of what happens when u take him to school.
If he remains at home until his emotions heal,
then the daily agony will have ended for him.
I think that woud count for a lot.

David wrote:

Spend as much time with him as possible

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

Now I read that again, I wonder if because I've not spent as much time
with him recently, could be adding to why he's so, "clingy"

Do u think he may have security issues
in the back of his mind, what with losing his sister
and your having spent less time with him ?
[ still crying and begging. "NO, NO PLEASE, NO DONT GO, ABBIEEEEE!" ]

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

By worse i mean that when he does return to school, the problem might arrise again, or he'll be unable to "socialize"
Homeschooling is not as common here as it is in the states (I think that's where you are), by removing such a big social oppertunity i'm not sure if homeschooling would just mask the problem (I'm more than likely wrong, just a worry i had, my uncle also expressed corncern for removing him from school) When I leave the house, just to go out on my own or with May, he still gets upset and worried, which i understand and admit to being similar but I wondered if he would react the same to being left at home with a tutor and my mum as he would being left at school, in some ways his teacher and friends are more familiar to him than his mum.

As for spending more time with him, I suppose his insecurity is due to me not being with him so much, but I honestly can't help that, as much as I'd like to spend more time with him I genuinly just don't have the time. As much as i've considered it I'm not going to drop my courses.
My final exams are comeing up, some have already started and I'm right now righting out my college application, which will be an even busier time.

Of course I could be entirely wrong, home schooling could be the perfect situation for him right now and once he's happier, he might settle back into school.

Izzie told me a little about the education support systems and what not there are in schools, so i was thinking of asking them what they thought would be best tomorrow, as well as with his teacher.

Thinking; i might get my uncle to come with, he has this way of getting people to respect him and do exactly as he asks.

A-M

1 Reply

@sozobe,

Good point.

0 Replies

@Izzie,

Agreeing, Izzie.

0 Replies

@AbbieMcKenley,

Abbie, this has nothing to do with how much time you are spending with him. He's six years old. He's having to cope with the loss of his sister and doesn't quite understand what it all means. All he knows is that she went away and no matter how much he asks, she hasn't come back. He's searching for an understanding.

He's clinging to you because he's afraid that if he gets separated from you, he'll lose you too. It isn't the amount of time being spent with him, it is the efforts to reassure him that when you have to go away (for instance when he has to go to school), that you'll still be available for him when he comes home. You can reassure him of that by just being around for awhile when it is time for him to come home from school. Explain to him that he has an hour of your time to talk or do something together and then you have to study.

If he doesn't have any requests or suggestions, do something together that is as simple as setting the table for dinner. That will give you a chance to talk with him about your sister and how he feels about that empty place at the table and why it is different from when it was empty while she was in the hospital. Explain that you're all still a family and will be there for each other. Make the ritual of setting the table together a constant for him right now. Gradually, start talking to him about other things while setting the table. You'll be able to tell when he's ready to move on from that routine.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Quote:

All he knows is that she went away and no matter how much he asks, she hasn't come back

Congratulations, your post made me cry a little.
Shocked

That was unexpected. Laughing

I like the idea about setting the table, it's an easier way to make sure we can chat properly. Yep, i'll definatly start that one.

Thanks Smile

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

I don 't know whether u realize this Abbie,
but u r a very good writer
and your description of how your little brother
addresses u when u r leaving him in school is indeed heartrending.

It is to your credit that u r giving your attention to that situation.
I wish to offer moral support.

David

0 Replies

@AbbieMcKenley,

Okay, so we got to Indi's school about half an hour early to nag them. It took about 2 minutes for my uncle to get his point across and them to start making arrangement. Ceh, to be an adult!

Smile

He simply walked in, insisted that if they did not provide Indi witht he support and special attention they he needs he would appeal to education authories and ask for them to take action, dumped a load of papers on psychological studies concerning children who've been through the death of a sibling, stood back with his arms folded and gave them the look that usually results in him getting his way.

Well, it worked.
Indi will be taught in a special needs class for 6 weeks where his behaviour and work will have a lot of attention. The class has no more that 3 students in so he can learn at whatever pace is okay for him. After 6 weeks my uncle will go for a meeting with the teacher and the head and they'll decide what happens from there.

Instead of 1-on-1 counselling he thought that it would be better to go to some childrens group sessions with May (he's concerned about her lack of reaction) so neither of them feel pressured to speak, and can intereact with children who understand what it's like for them.

He's also paying for May to have acting classes (Indi refused point blank) because according to him it's the best way to understand yourself (he's always had odd theories.) He also thinks that we should ask Indi's advice on lots of decisions (e.g. should i wash the black clothes first or the white) Because it should help him become interested in more activities. (Personally, i can't see Indi developing a washing fetish but....)

After speaking to a friend of his who specialises in Child Bereavment, he was told off, according to him, and subjected to a 15 minute lecture on why children, and indeed anyone never get over the loss of a sibling especially when the sibling was a child. Well, she said that the best thing to do it turn negative thought and such on her passing into positive ones and memories, he's currently looking at the films we have of her with my uncle, i keep hearing him laughing. Smile

A-M

2 Replies

@AbbieMcKenley,

Sounds excellent!

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@AbbieMcKenley,

How does this sit with Indi?

Did Indi participate in the decision making process about how to proceed?

Is he satisfied to continue to go to school
and have u leave him there in the morning ?

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

He hasn't given it much thought.
He was in the room but far more interested in the toys than the decisions.
He's not satisfied at being left at school at all, but this morning when he refused to leave for school, I asked him if he'd rather I left him at home, just for today. He paused, frowned, held his hand out and off we went. There isn't a quick fix.

So I don't he'll ever be satisfied, whatever the situation.
But i think if he's getting more attention at school, he'll eventually be happier to be left there; we've spent hours today explaining why Lilia spent so long in hospital, why he won't die when he's sick, because she had a special type of sick, how there is no chance of him being left at school.
It's easy to forget how easily little kids can misinterpret what you say, or what's going on.

A-M

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

He hasn't given it much thought.
He was in the room but far more interested in the toys than the decisions.
He's not satisfied at being left at school at all, but this morning when he refused to leave for school, I asked him if he'd rather I left him at home, just for today. He paused, frowned, held his hand out and off we went. There isn't a quick fix.

So I don't he'll ever be satisfied, whatever the situation.
But i think if he's getting more attention at school, he'll eventually be happier to be left there; we've spent hours today explaining why Lilia spent so long in hospital, why he won't die when he's sick, because she had a special type of sick, how there is no chance of him being left at school.
It's easy to forget how easily little kids can misinterpret what you say, or what's going on.

A-M

So, inasmuch as he CONSENTED to go to school,
was he calm when u left him there,
as distinct from screaming in agony as he did before ?

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

No not at all.
In fact if anything, it was made worse by the fact that we stayed there a while, he must have thought we'd stay with him.
My uncle was compleatly white whilst after we left, he told me it reminded him of when he and my dad had to pin Lilia down for a scan and other tests when she was diagnosed.

2 Replies

@AbbieMcKenley,

Hey Abbie

I know I work in a little school, so may be a tad biased here...

but IMO, sometimes school is one of the better places to be.

Sometimes it provides the stability a child needs, for all kinds of different circumstances and situations.

For example: there are kids who say, parents are divorcing and the kids don't know which way is up, where they're going and are shuffling houses etc. Life is turmoil at home and school is relatively normal, same 'ole same 'ole each day.

School (I'm saying mainly primary here) is the one place they can go that can provide some consistency and stability. Albeit, the teachers etc, to a point have to remain "unemotional"... (that sounds harsh) they can't appear to be taking sides or treating a child differently, unless their needs warrant a special ed approach. The school is the place kids can go to try and focus on something other than what's going on at home.

Do you see what I mean there?

In Indi's case, hopefully having the "play " sessions where there is a greater understanding of his needs, whilst keeping him at school, with his peers and with the stability of "this is school and this isn't going anywhere, it's a constant"... maybe, well, IMO, that can be a good thing for kids, could be better for Indi perhaps to have that consistency at school during the week.

Glad your Uncle was down and went and saw them. Good on Unc. Maybe he can take the load off you for a while so you can concentrate on your things - you need your peers and some school stability too - so things can get to some kind of normal.... long term.

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@AbbieMcKenley,

AbbieMcKenley wrote:

No not at all.
In fact if anything, it was made worse
by the fact that we stayed there a while,
he must have thought we'd stay with him.
My uncle was compleatly white whilst after we left,
he told me it reminded him of when he and my dad had to pin
Lilia down for a scan and other tests when she was diagnosed.

Its a good thing that your uncle was able to personally
observe how serious the problem is.

I feel very sympathetic to Indi 's plight,
that he must endure such intense emotional stress.

I imagine that home schooling woud probably be less alarming for him.

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Maybe.

1 Reply

@AbbieMcKenley,

We went through it with Lilia, we went through it with May and now, despite hoping we wouldn't, we're going through it with Indi.
Oh dear.
I noticed it today, on the way back from school.
-"Are you hungry Indi?"
-"Why?"
-"I was just wondering, we can get you something to eat at the shop if you want?"
-"...Why?"
-"Because Dad's not got the shopping yet, so there isn't much to eat"
-"Why?"
-"Because we're running out of food, daddy'll get some later"
-"Why?"
-"Indi, are you being annoying on purpose?"
-..."WHY?"
-"Indi! Stop that."
-"Why?"
-"Indi, do you want some chocolate?"
-"Why?"
-"Is that a no?, We'll skip the shop then ok?"
-"NO! I WANT CHOCOLATE"

Laughing

Indi made a new friend today!
Well, sort of, he new her before but they hadn't really spoken.
Oh, i should add that they are "going to get married and move into Hogwarts" Laughing

The little girl had meningitis when she was a baby and had to have her legs ampuated, a lot of the children have avoided her, as children do, so i'm proud that Indi isn't one of them.
Altogether a better day for Indi, still a bit anti-social at break time but he did talk to his future wife Smile

(Possibly could make him more willing to be left at school? Fingers crossed!)

0 Replies

@Cycloptichorn,

ha, ha, ha, you know nothing about it do you??? this Abbie here is the cousin described and will meet the same end as her if that other little boy has his way
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hope had crept by inches into his heart, and now a look of triumph began to blaze in his eyes that had only known the wistful patience of defeat. Under his breath, with a furtive exultation, he began once again the pæan of victory and devastation. And presently his eyes were rewarded: out through that doorway came a long, low, yellow-and-brown beast, with eyes a-blink at the waning daylight, and dark wet stains around the fur of jaws and throat. Conradin dropped on his knees. The great polecat-ferret made its way down to a small brook at the foot of the garden, drank for a moment, then crossed a little plank bridge and was lost to sight in the bushes. Such was the passing of Sredni Vashtar.

"Tea is ready," said the sour-faced maid; "where is the mistress?" "She went down to the shed some time ago," said Conradin. And while the maid went to summon her mistress to tea, Conradin fished a toasting-fork out of the sideboard drawer and proceeded to toast himself a piece of bread. And during the toasting of it and the buttering of it with much butter and the slow enjoyment of eating it, Conradin listened to the noises and silences which fell in quick spasms beyond the dining-room door. The loud foolish screaming of the maid, the answering chorus of wondering ejaculations from the kitchen region, the scuttering footsteps and hurried embassies for outside help, and then, after a lull, the scared sobbings and the shuffling tread of those who bore a heavy burden into the house.

"Whoever will break it to the poor child? I couldn't for the life of me!" exclaimed a shrill voice. And while they debated the matter among themselves, Conradin made himself another piece of toast.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ha ha ha for all little boys abused by older females for their "own good" he he he

3 Replies

A very angry little boy.

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