First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

@Gala,

Gala wrote:

Quote:
So is that yellow-lighting an affair?

More like taking the side road, less traffic, less noise.

. . . better scenery.
Well, different scenery.

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@spendius,

spendius wrote:

Quote:
That's why she's Conflicted.

Yes--and some of us are trying to unconflict her. By shoving her up against the wall at the end of a narrow cul-de-sac.

This inbetween stuff won't touch her conflict. It will increase it. I've known two women who brought their boyfriends home and their husbands, one a lawyer and one a plant hire contractor, were shunted into the spare room and had to listen to the performance which no doubt was exaggerated for their benefit. That's the wall at the end of another cul-de-sac. In between it's conflict. Never ending until it blows up.

oh my... I'm agreeing with spendi more that once on a relationships thread.

I have a headache.

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@Conflicted,

Conflicted wrote:

Accepting that my behavior is wrong, I don't feel I'm hurting my husband. He can't be hurt by what he doesn't know.

But to answer your question, I really don't feel like Im treating my husband in any particular bad way. What one doesn't know can't hurt them.

I guess you don't understand that you're hurting him, yourself and your relationship just by having the affair. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know; you do. How can you betray his trust in you (or even contemplate it) and think everything's okay between you? Why are you doing this? Is it just about sex, as Shewolfnm claims? It's only sex? If that's all it is, then it's even worse.

I guess we have different definitions of what treating someone "bad" is.

Conflicted wrote:

So I can get the burden of my wrong doing off my shoulders. I think not. I'm very comfortable with carrying it & allowing my husband to continue to trust on me & our marriage.

If that's the case, then why are you so conflicted?

Conflicted wrote:

I don't believe you should hurt the ones you love by words or actions, I've experienced it & it's not a good feeling. Never ever want anyone to experience it at my doing. And while I am fully aware if found out it would do just that...... I'm so careful & sure that it won't, I don't dwell on it.

Right. Famous Last Words. And just say he DOES find out... how will you feel about it then?

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@spendius,

Quote:

I don't think any of us would give a damn if you were both childless. I certainly wouldn't.

I think there are far more egregious crimes happening to other children in the world than Conflicted having an affair on her husband. I find it amazing you would stand on your ultra-high horse and lecture this woman about the survival of the fittest when there are so many children in the world who really do need to be saved from their family. Really spendius, Conflicted doesn't give a **** about Darwin, she's having an affair and has laid out clear and simple what makes her happy about it and what makes her anxious.

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@Gala,

I'm glad you selected that quote, Gala, because I wanted to comment on it, too.

I think the presence of children is immaterial. If' you're betraying the trust of your partner, you're betraying the trust of your partner. End of story. Conflicted is a lying, cheating traitor. All adulterers are. And there's nothing that anyone can say that can make that UNTRUE. It's a fact. She is lying to him. She is cheating on him. She has betrayed his trust in her.

I am amazed to see all this psycho-babble here justifying the betrayal of someone you say you love. Who cares what her damn problems are? Who cares what her 'reasons' are? This kind of behaviour is never justifiable. Her choices were to stay and do nothing, stay and cheat, get his permission for the affair, or leave him. Look at what she chose - would you willingly marry someone who would do this to you? If not, they why defend her flimsy justifications and rationale?

Either you're a decent person or you're not. She's playing both ends of the candle; having her cake and eating it, too. I don't think dear old hubby signed up for that. That's what's being betrayed - what he thought he was getting.

And of course no one is perfect. That's not at issue. The issue is how we behave, the decisions we make. Maybe on top of this you are a thief, too, or a liar, or a con artist. Decent people don't **** all over their loved ones.

1 Reply

@Conflicted,

Conflicted wrote:

My family stability is not in question. It just isn't.

A house of cards.

Your husband doesn't know, remember? The fact that there is something to be known puts your family's stability in question. You are hiding something. Why hide it, if you don't think it would disturb family stability?

Because of the decisions that have already been made, you've now committed yourself to managing a situation that has far too many human factors. Even if you make no mistakes, you can't control every factor.

Lying is a full time job.

T
K
O

1 Reply

@Diest TKO,

Quote:

A house of cards.

Your husband doesn't know, remember? The fact that there is something to be known puts your family's stability in question. You are hiding something. Why hide it, if you don't think it would disturb family stability?

Because of the decisions that have already been made, you've now committed yourself to managing a situation that has far too many human factors. Even if you make no mistakes, you can't control every factor.

Lying is a full time job.

You're being over dramatic here, which brings me back to my comment about affairs happen all the time. People lie in these circumstances and the world keeps on turning. Sure, maybe her husband has picked up on her acting a little differently, and maybe he's suspicious, but if he's not going to confront her full-on then he's probably figured they've been together long enough to not need an explanation. A quirk in her behavior, he might be thinking. Who knows. But if Conflicted says her family stability is not compromised at the moment then I believe her.

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@Gala,

Where's the over-drama? He just stated facts.

And the world keeps on turning, yes, but when it comes to light, all is not rosy, and it won't be turning so well for the members of that family.

Is that her plan? It's a risk, and there's no way you can say it isn't. A RISK, not an actuality, but a definite RISK.

Would you put your family or your relationships at risk for some hot sex?

That's just stupid, blind, and selfish. Very, very selfish. She's deceiving herself or she doesn't give a fig.

1 Reply

@Gala,

Gala wrote:

But if Conflicted says her family stability is not compromised at the moment then I believe her.

This line just makes me snort. You don't even know this woman. How is she to judge, anyway, being on the inside of the lie? She can't clearly see what's really going on around her in her family because she's in a mess of her own making.

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@Mame,

Quote:

Where's the over-drama? He just stated facts.

And the world keeps on turning, yes, but when it comes to light, all is not rosy, and it won't be turning so well for the members of that family.

Is that her plan? It's a risk, and there's no way you can say it isn't. A RISK, not an actuality, but a definite RISK.

Would you put your family or your relationships at risk for some hot sex?

That's just stupid, blind, and selfish. Very, very selfish. She's deceiving herself or she doesn't give a fig.

Stupid, blind, selfish, all of the above. Definitely a risk. A house of cards? I guess, but it's too dramatic a description for something as mundane and common for what she's doing.

I would not put my family or my relationships at risk for some hot sex, but I have known people who have, they do it, they enjoy it they get torn up about it, then it ends. That's what happens. In the end their spouses don't find out, they may have been at the receiving end of their unfaithful spouses odd behavior because of the affair, but they just fold it into the behavior that comes with the ups and downs of being together for life.

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@Gala,

Conflicted will be alright, as she said in a previous post that her family comes first, which is what affairs are all about. She may get emotionally attached, but some how, someway, she'll allow herself to come down from la-la land and snap back into the family fold.
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LOL LOL LOL if her family came first she would not be placing her relationship with her husband and her marriage at risk of being destroy in one little heart beat.

He is not going to find out that is your theory?

Being a male, I tend not to be as nearly aware of the emotional situation around me then my wife is but if my wife was carrying on a serious long-term relationship with another man there would be a million indications of such and even I over time would pick such signs up. You cannot be sharing an emotional intimate relationship with someone else and not change how you are behaving toward your partner.

She is counting on his trust that she is betraying for her to get away with this and the likelihood of that working over any prolong period of time is near zero.

Not only must she keep her husband in the dark but she need to hope like hell that her partner wife is not going to find out and give her husband a call over the matter.

The chance of her getting away with this is in direct inverse ratio to how long it goes on as sooner or later some factor that she was not aware of is going to bit her in the rear and let the cat out of the old bag.

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@Gala,

Quote:

I think there are far more egregious crimes happening to other children in the world than Conflicted having an affair on her husband.

I'm afraid I can't see the usefulness of that argument Gala in this discussion.

I'm not standing on any high horses. I'll make the argument the other way if you would like me to but I don't advise it. I can do the Id's defence.

Quote:

Really spendius, Conflicted doesn't give a **** about Darwin, she's having an affair and has laid out clear and simple what makes her happy about it and what makes her anxious.

I was just taking a dig at psuedo Darwinists. You'll have to indulge me on that one. And I don't see how conflicted is happy while she is anxious. Happiness might well be defined as the absence of anxiety.

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@Mame,

Quote:

I think the presence of children is immaterial. If' you're betraying the trust of your partner, you're betraying the trust of your partner.

I think the kids are the only consideration. The partners on both sides can shift for themselves if there are no kids. All four of them went into what they have eyes wide open. The kids didn't. One shouldn't have collateral damage as the kid's portion.

I notice you don't comment on my idea of her loss of control over her destiny, which she still has, once it comes into the open which I think it will if she persists and the limited information we have is true.

And it should not be forgotten that this is an open debate and others who might be tempted to have a bit of rumpy-pumpy on the side may be reading it and they have kids too. It is a general debate as well as a specific one.

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@spendius,

My position comes from one of who you are, not the fall out. It's what kind of person are you, do you want to be, will you become? Kids can survive and adapt - they always have and always will. Kids lose dads and moms to illness, war, divorce, whathaveyou. They adjust. Not saying they adjust well, but they will adjust. Some kids who were parented by one parent (for whatever reason) are better adjusted than those with two, so...Believe me, the kids will survive.

What I was really getting at, though, is our own basic integrity. Conflicted is the only one who has to live so intimately with herself. I think it's really imperative that we are proud of ourselves and like who we are. If you perform actions that you aren't proud of (and if she were proud of it, her family would know of it), then you can't like yourself and you've let yourself down. You've basically betrayed your own self. Unless, of course, you are a bit base to begin with, in which case, it doesn't signify much.

We are our own walking advertisements. You tell the world who you are and what you are by your actions and statements. Is this who Conflicted is? Is she this proud of it? Does she like and admire herself more because of this behaviour? I find that hard to believe. She came here looking for justification and acceptance and she found some. That eases her conscience somewhat - enough to allow her to continue. Well, so be it.

(Excuse all my mixed up pronouns, please.)

2 Replies

@Gala,

Gala wrote:

Quote:
A house of cards.

Your husband doesn't know, remember? The fact that there is something to be known puts your family's stability in question. You are hiding something. Why hide it, if you don't think it would disturb family stability?

Because of the decisions that have already been made, you've now committed yourself to managing a situation that has far too many human factors. Even if you make no mistakes, you can't control every factor.

Lying is a full time job.

You're being over dramatic here, which brings me back to my comment about affairs happen all the time.

I'm being honest, and you're trying to return us to a irrelevant declaration.

Gala wrote:

People lie in these circumstances and the world keeps on turning.

Bombs fall and the world keeps turning. What's your point? Even if you were right (I very much think you are not) about nobody gets hurt if the husband doesn't find out, the probability of him finding out only increases by not ending this. If the real concern is in avoiding harm, keeping him from finding out would be a higher priority.

Gala wrote:

Sure, maybe her husband has picked up on her acting a little differently, and maybe he's suspicious, but if he's not going to confront her full-on then he's probably figured they've been together long enough to not need an explanation. A quirk in her behavior, he might be thinking. Who knows.

Entertaining conjecture.

Gala wrote:

But if Conflicted says her family stability is not compromised at the moment then I believe her.

I say that if she can lie to her husband in shame of her actions, she can contort her circumstances such that she doesn't think she's lying to us. It's cognitive dissonance. I think she's kidding herself.

T
K
O

1 Reply

@Mame,

Wonder how her kids will feel about her when their home is broken up by her cheating?

It would be one thing for them if he was not a good father and husband but by the cheater own words he is both.

She sure is one hell of a gambler with her marriage, her children future and her children regards on the old line.

1 Reply

I was going to say something about the importance of personal integrity, but I see that Mame has beaten me to it.

Nice job, Mame. Cool

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@Mame,

Quote:

Believe me, the kids will survive.

Come on Mame. We know they'll survive. It is a question of the shape they'll be in.

This is a feminist issue of the first order which is why the ladies here are shilly-shallying with such statements as that.

They also are conflicted which is why they are evading some of the points being raised.

Is she or is she not entitled to decide who fucks her at her complete discretion? And is the law and social mores right to deny her that choice?

It's crunch time for you ladies.

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@spendius,

It all depends - some kids take a verbal warning to heart, others you can beat with a stick (just kidding, but you get my point).

It's not the end of the world when a family breaks up, especially if it's done with support from both parents. Especially in today's world where it's commonplace.

Also a factor is how many children there are (for supporting one another) and their ages (for the understanding and reasoning factor).

It's not just as simple as saying "they'll suffer" - yes, okay, but to what degree and for how long?

They're not made of sugar and water, Spendi - they're a lot tougher and more resilient than you're implying.

And anyway, a happy single parent is a better person to live with (and better role model) than bickering, unhappy two-parents.

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@Mame,

and better role model) than bickering, unhappy two-parents.
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Sorry by her own words he s a loving husband and a loving father so no bickering here at all.

In any case why should kids suffer at all and to any degree because the mother does not wish to honor her vows to a loving father and husband and he is that by her own words here.

Strange that some of the females posters here had no moral compass at all and this was a charge level normally against men for the most part in the past.

Maybe the religionists far right were correct for once and we had raised a generation with little moral value build into their “souls”. That is a hard statement for an old atheist to made but this support for the lady by other ladies is amazing to me.

What a sad world where honoring your freely given word to someone who both love and trust you is not at all important.

1 Reply

First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

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