First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

@JPB,

also know of long time affairs where the partner knows all about the mistress. She's not interested in sex. He gets it elsewhere. Everyone is fine with the arrangement.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not to my taste but at least it is not hidden from the partner.

0 Replies

@Conflicted,

I realized after I asked that they probably do do all that STD screening as a matter of course - but don't mention it specifically when you get your results - in fact, my doctor never says anything except not to expect to hear anything unless there's a problem - so in other words - no news is good news.

But I've never gotten tested for HIV and have never even been asked if I felt I needed to or wanted to, and I was thinking about it after I asked that question and realized that a lot of women probably have no idea that they might need to get tested - just because THEY'RE not doing anything dangerous - it doesn't mean their partner isn't - and you know...all the risk that can entail for the partner who's in the dark.

I was just wondering if the guidelines have changed at all in terms of the actual recommendations as far as testing for that stuff goes.

0 Replies

@Gala,

Gala wrote:

Quote:
I understand why it's appealing too. That in itself does not mean I think it is good judgement.

Affairs happening all the time doesn't green light an affair.

I'm not talking about green lighting an affair. I'm talking about affairs taking place all the time.

Yes, but lots of affairs happenning has nothing to do with this. If lots of affairs were NOT happenning, how woudl this then be different. Other people's infidelity and how they treat their marriage effects them, not Conflicted. Ultimately, these things are our choice, and our liability.

Gala wrote:

Regardless of the moral outrage they cause in some the issue is not as black and white as "don't do it."

Sure it is. And the do or do not do is deeper than simple moral outrage. Would Conflicted be as forgiving if she had never had an affair, and it was her that was being cheated on? Would you then be explaining to her that "these things happen all the time, and that her husband was probably just bored with her sexual performance?"

Convince me. I just don't think you'd be saying that.

Gala wrote:

Conflicted's drama is pretty standard stuff with all the toppings; lot's of drama, selfishness, losing touch with reality, deep pleasure and a heightened sense of danger.

Still not an excuse.

Gala wrote:

Do you realize how typical this is? Because it's happening to her she thinks it's earth-shattering.

I don't think it's earth shattering either, but things do not have to be earth-shattering to do damage, have consequences, or warrant action.

Gala wrote:

All she has to do is stop, right? Not so simple, especially when it means returning to her mundane life of carpools, raking leaves, and routine sex at 10:43 every Saturday night.

Again, understanding it being difficult does not make it right. Her "mundane" life of carpools, raking leaves, and routine sex at 10:43 every saturday night is one that she is free to leave if she so wishes. What life does she think she's entitled to? At what cost?

If affairs are good at keeping people in marriages as you claim, but keeping in the marriage means staying in the same circumstances that made you want an affair, you've talked yourself in a circle.

I'm having an affair so I can stay in my marriage that made me desire an affair???

What is done is done, but Conflicted's problem will remain. This isn't about moral outrage, but rather being responsible. She's taken advantage of her husband and her children's trust. She should stop.

T
K
O

0 Replies

@Mame,

Post Preview
Please forgive me mame, I was fielding so many questions & comments that it got lost in the shuffle. I read that & I had to ask myself. Of course, nothing I present will be a good enough explanation for those of you that have a cut & dry view of this situation. Accepting that my behavior is wrong, I don't feel I'm hurting my husband. He can't be hurt by what he doesn't know. He trust me as much as he has over the last 16yrs, nothing in our day to day lives has changed or suffers. My messing around will never take a front seat to my obligations to my family. And my husband & I still have date nights & alone time. Like I said before, it's not a tradional affair where we are seeing each other all the time, in public or even talking on the phone. Its more emotional than anything. But, we do have sex several times month. Though my girlfriend pointed out -- there's no Big sin.. Little sin... It's still still wrong even if it were just once.. And I am totally aware.

But to answer your question, I really don't feel like Im treating my husband in any particular bad way. What one doesn't know can't hurt them. I don't feel it necessary to confess even when it ends, because what will that benefit. Confession soothes the mind of the one confessing. All it would do is hurt the person being wronged... & for what? So I can get the burden of my wrong doing off my shoulders. I think not. I'm very comfortable with carrying it & allowing my husband to continue to trust on me & our marriage.

I don't believe you should hurt the ones you love by words or actions, I've experienced it & it's not a good feeling. Never ever want anyone to experience it at my doing. And while I am fully aware if found out it would do just that...... I'm so careful & sure that it won't, I don't dwell on it.

As I said no answer is going to be good enough... But it is what it is and I can only tell you my reasoning.

3 Replies

@Mame,

Quote:

Affairs help people stay in their marriage? Wow. I completely disagree. What affairs do is destroy the trust. They're a cop out. Deal with the issues instead of canoodling with other people.

They help people stay in a marriage if-- they don't get caught. I've known people who love their spouse but pursued affairs discreetly because despite their love for their spouse they need a little variety. As for trust, well, you can throw that out the window. I'm not talking about people who take their vows seriously, I am talking about the many people who have affairs.

0 Replies

@JPB,

Quote:

Yes, marriages can be strengthened by paying attention to them and putting effort into each other. I've always said there's a fine line between trust and taking someone for granted. Oftentimes one partner slips past trust without realizing it. The unhappy partner can't define it either other than, "something's wrong in my relationship". Sometimes an affair can be a wake up call to both parties.

Well put. The unhappy partner is usually the one who's being betrayed and instead of confronting it they fall into their routines.

0 Replies

@Mame,

As I said before, Nobody is perfect. And if you know of a perfect coouple that hasn't had some ups & downs please tell. So just know that all of us make mistakes. This post is about me & my quest to deal with my infidelity. I don't have too, nor will I hash out a 16 yr long synoposis of my relationship. I couldn't possibly do that. I'm no angel but neither is my "poor, lied to" husband. I dont choose to use any of his shortcomings or relationship faux pas he may have committed to justify my issue.
Know that there's been ups & downs - and sometimes events & just plain time together can alter how you feel toward the one you love. Doesn't mean you don't love your spouse, maybe not as intense or the same degree as when it was a new & budding relationship. I know you can only speak from the vantage point of the information given. But you have to think about relationships in general & no one person being so perfect.

2 Replies

@Conflicted,

Quote:

Of course, nothing I present will be a good enough explanation for those of you that have a cut & dry view of this situation. Accepting that my behavior is wrong, I don't feel I'm hurting my husband. He can't be hurt by what he doesn't know. He trust me as much as he has over the last 16yrs, nothing in our day to day lives has changed or suffers. My messing around will never take a front seat to my obligations to my family. And my husband & I still have date nights & alone time. Like I said before, it's not a tradional affair where we are seeing each other all the time, in public or even talking on the phone. Its more emotional than anything. But, we do have sex several times month. Though my girlfriend pointed out -- there's no Big sin.. Little sin... It's still still wrong even if it were just once.. And I am totally aware.

But to answer your question, I really don't feel like Im treating my husband in any particular bad way. What one doesn't know can't hurt them. I don't feel it necessary to confess even when it ends, because what will that benefit. Confession soothes the mind of the one confessing. All it would do is hurt the person being wronged... & for what? So I can get the burden of my wrong doing off my shoulders. I think not. I'm very comfortable with carrying it & allowing my husband to continue to trust on me & our marriage.

I don't believe you should hurt the ones you love by words or actions, I've experienced it & it's not a good feeling. Never ever want anyone to experience it at my doing. And while I am fully aware if found out it would do just that...... I'm so careful & sure that it won't, I don't dwell on it.

As I said no answer is going to be good enough... But it is what it is and I can only tell you my reasoning.

This is exactly my point-- don't get caught.

It's better you sneak around and feel like crap then to blow the lid off it and everyone will get hurt.

0 Replies

@George,

Quote:

So is that yellow-lighting an affair?

More like taking the side road, less traffic, less noise.

1 Reply

@Conflicted,

You mentioned in your original post that you are starting to have feelings for your lover. I think that is only natural since he is giving you the emotional and physical supp0rt that you need. Where are you going to go with that? That's a train wreck waiting to happen. Are you really not hurting your husband when you spend time and emotional units that should be for him on someone else? Are you hurting yourself by allowing your husband to skirt his duty to be there for you emotionally? When your lover leaves, do you say "that was fun" or will it be an emotional hammer? I think you are on the edge of a mine field here, but best of luck either way.

2 Replies

@Mame,

Quote:

Why does marriage have to be perceived as a contract? It's a relationship, somewhat more personal than a contract. A marriage, to me, is two people who want to be together, so if that's no longer true, then get out. That's the honourable thing to do - get out of it and then you can indulge in all the affairs you want. No guilty conscience, no dishonourable behaviour, no betrayals. Cheating is so disrespectful to your partner.

I agree with you Mame, but it just isn't like this for many people. They may want to be together but it doesn't stop them from canoodling. Of course cheating is more than disrespectful to your partner, that goes without saying.

0 Replies

@engineer,

Quote:

You mentioned in your original post that you are starting to have feelings for your lover. I think that is only natural since he is giving you the emotional and physical supp0rt that you need. Where are you going to go with that? That's a train wreck waiting to happen. Are you really not hurting your husband when you spend time and emotional units that should be for him on someone else? Are you hurting yourself by allowing your husband to skirt his duty to be there for you emotionally? When your lover leaves, do you say "that was fun" or will it be an emotional hammer? I think you are on the edge of a mine field here, but best of luck either way.

Conflicted will be alright, as she said in a previous post that her family comes first, which is what affairs are all about. She may get emotionally attached, but some how, someway, she'll allow herself to come down from la-la land and snap back into the family fold.

2 Replies

@Gala,

Conflicted wrote:

What he doesn't know can't hurt him

You would not be the first person to make this mistake. Promise me you won't act surprized if it doesn't turn out that way.

Gala wrote:

Conflicted will be alright, as she said in a previous post that her family comes first, which is what affairs are all about.

Family first doesn't jive with gambling on the family's stability.

T
K
O

2 Replies

@Diest TKO,

Quote:

You would not be the first person to make this mistake. Promise me you won't act surprized if it doesn't turn out that way.

Family first doesn't jive with gambling on the family's stability.

TKO, I'm not saying everything will be perfect in her life if she doesn't get caught. I'm also not saying that her actions won't affect her family life-- they will. Regardless of the infidelity, her family can survive this indiscretion.

0 Replies

@engineer,

There lies the core of my conflict... On one hand i love my husband, I love being married, I love our life, our kids , our time together. We've been through thick & thin, remained together even when it looked like sometimes we wouldn't. Sure, at times it gets mundane & u look for an outlet, without wanting out. On the other hand, I meet someone & feel a strong physical & emotional attraction & as it was getting dangerously close to us cheating, I tried to avoid it. But I desired to see how far I could push the envelope, until yes, it'd crossed the line.

Is it not possible to have feelings for more than your spouse. No... It may not be morally correct, or acceptable in our "monogamous" society ( I say loosley) but it happens. Should I have to end my marriage that I want to be on because of this? Should he have to? Definetely not. We both have our eyes wide open. We agree on what it is & for a couple of months that it is, it's worked. As I wrote it, I initially felt that maybe I was feeling something more. I'm not.. Still just a deep attraction.
We've agreed that shen either of us decides that we no longer want this arrangment, we'll be upfront enough to tell one another. Cut off the sex, the text conversations & be cordial in our occasional passings at work. There is no doubt in my mind that this isn't exactly how it'll play out.

Thanks for the food for thought.

0 Replies

@Conflicted,

Quote:

My messing around will never take a front seat to my obligations to my family.

They already have done. The above is a self-justifying assertion which won't stand up to scrutiny.

I think you said that your kids were on the verge of puberty. That is the precise worst time to subject kids to stress. And you risk doing just that.

On any objective view your obligations to your family are in the trunk. Even now, not yet found out, they are being compromised. You are obviously seriously distracted from them and although you are probably going through certain formal ritualistic performances it will not be escaping the notice of those around you even if it is inarticulate and thus capable of being ignored.

1 Reply

@Diest TKO,

I promise u I won't act surprised...

My family stability is not in question. It just isn't.
And while I'm a bit more concerned as to, if found out what it'd do to his young family, it takes two to tango. I can't make sure his family doesn't fall apart, I just caution him of that & hopes he's being as careful and normal as before.

1 Reply

@spendius,

Quote:

On any objective view your obligations to your family are in the trunk. Even now, not yet found out, they are being compromised. You are obviously seriously distracted from them and although you are probably going through certain formal ritualistic performances it will not be escaping the notice of those around you even if it is inarticulate and thus capable of being ignored.

spendius, she knows this on some level. That's why she's Conflicted. Nonetheless, her family will survive this. She's in an especially good place choosing a guy who's tied down and knows the reality of his situation as well. Both know how much they have to lose in their bargain if they get caught.

1 Reply

@Conflicted,

Quote:

But you have to think about relationships in general & no one person being so perfect.

I think that the general thrust of your opposition is that it is thinking about relationships in general. Your relationship to your kids and the ones the other party's kids are unwittingly connected to as innocent bystanders. The time bomb.

I don't think any of us would give a damn if you were both childless. I certainly wouldn't. Then it would only be a matter of simple reversion to monkey troupe arrangements which is perfectly understandable from the Darwinian perspective. In fact, a Darwinian has no other way of looking at the matter. To a Darwinian a marriage is simply an excuse for various agencies to wrest money out of the families of the betrothed. The more they pay the sweeter it looks.

What the hell else could it be seeing as how sanctity is a meaningless word to them. There's not one iota of sanctity in all the teeming life forms this earth has brought forth in its unimaginably long history. Apart, one might speculate, from the short periods of nurturing the offspring which many organisms dispense with.

Once a Darwinian accepted the possibility of sanctity it wouldn't take long to find him kneeling at the altar rails with his head bowed down. Logic being what it is.

1 Reply

@Gala,

Quote:

That's why she's Conflicted.

Yes--and some of us are trying to unconflict her. By shoving her up against the wall at the end of a narrow cul-de-sac.

This inbetween stuff won't touch her conflict. It will increase it. I've known two women who brought their boyfriends home and their husbands, one a lawyer and one a plant hire contractor, were shunted into the spare room and had to listen to the performance which no doubt was exaggerated for their benefit. That's the wall at the end of another cul-de-sac. In between it's conflict. Never ending until it blows up.

Take sides Gala. Counsellors are paid to be wishy-washy--a bit of this and a bit of that--spin it out--and on the one hand this and on the other hand that. We are not counsellors.

A crunch decision now, before the **** hits the fan, is within her power. She is in control of her destiny. After the SHTF the crunch decisions are in the hands of others and even if they suit her purposes, which they might, she has lost that control over herself.

Perhaps that is what she seeks. It's possible that she's conflicted generally and is looking for being told what to do. There is a theory, dating back a long way, that modern western women don't know what they want as a result of having to make too many decisions. My tax inspector told me that she didn't know what she wanted. And lady writers in newspaper have said it. I've heard it a few times in the pub.

She might be starring in her own drama.

1 Reply

First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know