First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

To me it means that you're ready for a change in your life. The timing is perfect. Your daughter doesn't need you nearly as much as she used to for her day-to-day care, your job may or may not be rewarding, your husband may or may not be appreciative. What are you looking for next?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well it nice that you are giving her the support that she been looking for here. I am sure there are men who will be lining up to enter a long term relationship with such a lady<NOT>.

Believe it or not, Bill, she may very well decide that what she's looking for next is to rekindle a loving, mutually rewarding relationship with her husband. Stranger things have happened.

And, if she does decide that it's time to end her marriage then, yes, I'm sure she won't have any problems whatsoever finding someone with whom to share her life.

Yes if he does not find out all will be well as it is not cheating unless your partner find out now is it<lol>.

However if she keep cheating he will find out so her time frame to go back to her husband is not forever JPB and it might not be even be to next week.

A s far as finding another man well she could lie to a future partner and tell him how her husband abuse her I guess. The truth that he was a fine man but I just got horny for another married man is not going to encourage trust in a future mate.

Why don't you just drop it? They obviously think quite differently from you and it's patently obvious that nobody is winning this one. You aren't the be-all and end-all know-it-all of relationships and everybody's is different. You can't possibly know what goes on in someone else's relationship, particularly from a short thread on a message board from someone you've never spoken with before.

You can have your beliefs but why keep badgering people and trying to foist your opinions on others? Your views are very black and white and life is often grey.

Just drop it.

As long as they post nonsense that it is fine to betrayed your partner I will post otherwise.

That is as must my right as it is their right to disagree with me and keep posting such nonsense.

Not a requirement that I know of. But since Ive been sexually active, every year I get my annual PAP smear, I get the battery of STD testing & an HIV. You can't be to safe & my insurance covers the expense. Better safe & not need it, than sorry & not have it, u know.

Being sexual active with the same partner if both are not cheating is not a risk factor for a STD that I am aware of.

You doing so yearly is another odd behavior unless you were cheating or fear that your husband was cheating on you.

Being sexual active with the same partner if both are not cheating is not a risk factor for a STD that I am aware of.
*************************************^**^***********

This is true. It's not a risk factor. It just became habit with my annual exams and since it's just a blood draw, it became habit.
HIV testing just makes sense to me that we all can never be to careful.

With that, I'll say I respect your strong opinion on the topic. We're all entitled to our viewpoint, & just because we don't see eye to eye doesn't invalidate your position. You should stand strong in what you believe. But with your aggressive approach your message gets lost. I applaud this view from a male, as most times it's the men that get the bad rap for infidelity.

Thanks for an interesting debate.
over & out....

I'll just interject, that STD/STI testing as a part of annual check ups for monogamous couples and the sexually inactive are encouraged by many medical professionals.

Infections are transmitted by many means other than sexually. Knowing if you have contracted something is important.

STD/STI testing is not only for the people who are 'overly' promiscuous.

T
K
O

Obviously. Most people encourage things that put cash in their account. It is unprofessional not to do.

The crabs can jump six feet they say. Nothing like a raging paranoia to pile up the moolah.

Yes it is highly unlikely to get a STD from a toilet seat even if there are many husbands who had try to convince thier wives otherwise over the years.

I would laugh at a doctor who stated I should have a STD screening done as the S stand for Sexual for a reason.

I'm not talking about green lighting an affair. I'm talking about affairs taking place all the time. Regardless of the moral outrage they cause in some the issue is not as black and white as "don't do it." Conflicted's drama is pretty standard stuff with all the toppings; lot's of drama, selfishness, losing touch with reality, deep pleasure and a heightened sense of danger.

Do you realize how typical this is? Because it's happening to her she thinks it's earth-shattering. All she has to do is stop, right? Not so simple, especially when it means returning to her mundane life of carpools, raking leaves, and routine sex at 10:43 every Saturday night.

What I do think is okay about affairs is that it helps people stay in their marriage. That is, for the marriages that are not in a shambles. Mine is not a public defense of them, either. I think a marriage contract, over the long-haul, is just that, a contract, and within that contract people get restless and extremely bored. My attitude is, be discreet, don't confuse the fling with something more than a roll in the hay and as soon as it starts to be a burden then end it.

So is that yellow-lighting an affair?

Affairs help people stay in their marriage? Wow. I completely disagree. What affairs do is destroy the trust. They're a cop out. Deal with the issues instead of canoodling with other people.

Why does marriage have to be perceived as a contract? It's a relationship, somewhat more personal than a contract. A marriage, to me, is two people who want to be together, so if that's no longer true, then get out. That's the honourable thing to do - get out of it and then you can indulge in all the affairs you want. No guilty conscience, no dishonourable behaviour, no betrayals. Cheating is so disrespectful to your partner.

It's interesting that Conflicted chose not to address the questions I had for her - why she would treat someone she supposedly loves in this way. I wonder why that is. Perhaps because she has no answer. No honourable one, at least.

As I said earlier, I don't believe in vows being for life; they're really only good for as long as they're still meaningful to you. People do change and go through things that may have a lasting impact on their relationships with others; however, there is a decent, honourable and caring way to behave, vows or not.

I'm a big red lighter on affairs but they do serve a purpose if one gets past the emotional hurt of being betrayed. They obviously point out a problem in the marriage. Once known, the two people involved can choose to work on the problem or they can get stuck on being hurt (or it may last too long and the one involved in the affair can become emotionally attached to the lover) and separate.

Yes, marriages can be strengthened by paying attention to them and putting effort into each other. I've always said there's a fine line between trust and taking someone for granted. Oftentimes one partner slips past trust without realizing it. The unhappy partner can't define it either other than, "something's wrong in my relationship". Sometimes an affair can be a wake up call to both parties.

I think women in affairs face the double dilemma of conscience and being hard-wired to "love" their partners. They "make love" even when they're just having sex. It's when those feelings of love start to creep in (and women do that to themselves by nature) that the affair goes beyond something that can be used to look back to the marriage for mutual happiness.

In order to maintain your own integrity you should consider counselling when you consider having an affair. There's absolutely no excuse to let it get to that stage. It's selfish and disrespectful and dishonourable and a cop out. She's fulfilling her whatever needs she thinks she's got and her husband is being lied to. What did he do to deserve that? It's just not an attitude or behaviour I'd want in a friend.

If she had problems in her relationship the logical and honorable thing to do is spend her time and efforts on improving that relationship not bringing in a third party.

She had posted that her husband is a loving partner and that she been in a long term relationship with him long before she became his wife.

Second she had no moral right under any moral system I am aware of to place the future of children in harmway by her current behaviors.

All and all she is acting in a shameful manner and with great dishonor.

I agree, if it was me. But it isn't and I can see how others can get themselves into a situation and then wonder why they're doing something so out of character. I think conflicted's login and thread title both reflect that situation.

Many, many years ago I found myself contemplating an affair. I knew it wasn't something that I could ever forgive myself for so I decided to end the friendship. Two days later I decided that it was my marriage that needed to end. I found a place to live and started over. My moral compass is hard wired. An affair is simply not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't see how someone can find themselves involved in an affair and see it as a litmus to their marriage.

I also know of long time affairs where the partner knows all about the mistress. She's not interested in sex. He gets it elsewhere. Everyone is fine with the arrangement.