First time cheater, why did it happen after I'd finally got married???!!

You can go with that if you chose too. Only five folks know the absolute truth.

Certainly not the end of the world, but I don't think anyone is claiming that it is. does it need to be the end of the world for it to be a situation worth addressing some behavior?


I hope I haven't come off as hateful. I don't think these things are simple matters, but I do see this discussion completely void of the people who are involved and aren't in control, namely the children. It seems selfish to only frame this in terms of what she wants/feels.

Shouldn't Conflicted acknowledge that damage may have already been done?

And this is very sad. The abundance of this kind of thing doesn't make me feel less bothered by it.


I agree, but I don't really see this as relevant. I don't think conflicted is acting in some defiance of contemporary religion or because of some biological hard wiring.

We are animals hard wired to kill too. Murders happen allllllllllllll the time. Would it be a acceptable defense to say that it's just how we are wired? I don't think we would allow that reasoning to pass.

I'm not going to get stuck in judgement here. I think Conflicted has a several challenges from this point.

1) Her challenge to address her actions.
2) Her challenge to address her conscious.

I believe her best plan of action is to (1) clearly determine what end outcome she wants, (2) take action, and (3) accept that outcome may not come true.

Whether she chooses to do this by telling her husband what has happened or not is not for me to say.

T
K
O

Diiest TKO you are not getting the feeling that this is a hoax of some kind?

No. I do not think this is a hoax. The hoax posts on A2K are usually just one or two posts. Conflicted has returned several times and seems genuine.

T
K
O

Can none of you see what is wrong with that?

Religion didn't just come along and say that for the sake of it. The so called wild sex and being more relaxed about enjoying ourselves was causing social problems to the extent that societies practicing them foundered. The task of religion is to organise a successful society and the Christian religion has done that. Had general promiscuity been seen as the most efficient method of ensuring the reproduction and socialisation of the next generation religious leaders would have enjoined us to be promiscuous.

shewolf is thinking backwards. Promiscuity was, and is, seen as corrosive to order and progress and those supporting conflicted are supporting the undermining of society. Society requires discipline. Those who reject it society will punish. Society doesn't make rules for no reason and it doesn't make rules to prevent behaviours which nobody wants to engage in. The strength of the rules signifies the strength of the temptation which they are designed to neutralise.

Hence this debate is confirmation of the importance of the adultery rules and supporters of shewolf's statement defeat themselves by their presence on the thread. She offers a charter for the chaos caused by good looking, promiscuous women at the expense of her less confident and less attractive sisters in arms. Some feminist eh?

Hell no male belonging to the higher mammals and even birds who spend time helping the females raise the young wish to spend resources raising another male offspring’s and so this go far beyond human society.

See Darwin works as a starting point as to the reasons for this however it is fairly self evidence that this is build into human males by evolution.

Sex is indeed fun however, it is tie up with child bearing and raising in a married situation.

No husband would be happy to find out that he is raising another man children that he was under the impression were his.

I would bet big money that one of the first questions on her husband mind when he find out she is cheating is if their child is his or not.

That is quite likely. But the problem is that he will keep it on his mind because it is impolite to mention it. The defenders of conflicted take advantage of the fact that some things are not talked about because they come too close to the truth.

They talk in genteel euphemisms. Like "having sex". As if it is having marmalade toast.

Which it is to a few jaded cynics but I suspect it involves more than that to conflicted.

But the problem is that he will keep it on his mind because it is impolite to mention it. The defenders of conflicted take advantage of the fact that some things are not talked about because they come too close to the truth.
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I do not think so as that would be my first or second question to her and given the situation being polite would not be a big issue or concern.

Hell no matter what she said at that point I would have a DNA test done.

I would go to the clinic to be tested for the clap.

Now now.................................

Do you mean I was being impolite?

LOL........................

I take those test every year... Even when I wasn't cheating. All negative you'll be glad to know... As for DNA test... You all have really gone on left field... Let's see do the math..... I told u previously my youngest is 12 yrs old... My 'friendship', I'll call it started 2mons ago. Now I don't know what kinda math you'll do to solve this... But the liklihood of my child being my 'friends' is absolutely impossible... You shouldn't read more into this than necessary.
If that was an issue, I assure you, I would have posted exactly that.
Carry on.....

Impolite doesn't bother me. But you are straying from the subject matter. Focus now

This would never, ever,ever,ever be a question my husband would ask, even if he found out about my indiscretion. Knowing my hubby & if u really wanna know what his first qustion to me would be..... 'did u at least use a condom?'
To which I can proudly answer .... 'yes hunny'
he wouldn't be do polite after that.

No I talk polite when I say we have sex... Because what we really do .... starts with an f and ends with a k. And it's so much better (emphasis here) than having plain ol' marmalade you silly moo. (lol... I had to use that one, think I'm gonna add it to my cynical choice list)

Why?
I'm just curious - is this some new medical recommendation in terms of women's health or something?

Conflicted, for what it's worth your timing is fairly common for jumping outside your comfort zone and into atypical behavior of one type or another. There's a great book by Gail Sheehy titled Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life.

It was written in the 70s so the examples are dated but the concepts are very much still valid. It's about ages and stages of adults. We expect certain typical behaviors of our children but then forget that we adults continue to age and develop in predictable patterns. Women tend to face "crises" in the mid-decade years, men as they approach a new decade with the classic male "mid-life crisis" occurring as they approach 50. It was first recommended to me when I was 24 and struggling with what I had done to myself (bad marriage, boring career). It gave me the impetus to go back to school and start over (in both my personal and professional life, as it turned out...). If you decide to check it out don't confuse it with "New Passages" which is geared more towards 40-60s.

Some people reject the concept of mid-life crises (or predictable periods of personal unrest and upheaval). I don't see any reason why we expect toddlers to be trying and adolescents to be out of bounds and not give ourselves the same slack. It doesn't mean you don't teach the three year old that he can't have everything he wants (or the thirteen year old, for that matter), but we do look at the stars and pray for the day that this stage will end.

To me it means that you're ready for a change in your life. The timing is perfect. Your daughter doesn't need you nearly as much as she used to for her day-to-day care, your job may or may not be rewarding, your husband may or may not be appreciative. What are you looking for next?

You check for stds every year? Even before you started to cheat or is this guy just one in a line of guys that would call for such checks?

When my now wife and I started our relationship up once more after a break of a few years we both had such checks done however there is no reason for me and my now wife to have repeat checks.

As far as your husband likely questions concerning "his" child we are not talking or I was not talking about your current lover but he is likely not to have a lot of faith in you after finding out that your are currently cheating on him that you had not done so in the past with someone else.