So my sister is getting married, but...

IMHO, for the reasons enunciated so clearly by Brooke, your sister shoud evacuate
the premises and begin a new life elsewhere, in secrecy. Remaining single will be
of little comfort if one is factually subjected to oppression
or threatened with worse.

I trust that I am only pointing out the obvious,
when I suggest that she not say "good bye"
before decampment, for reasons of personal safety.
About 100 years ago, my mother lost a leg
because her sister said "good bye" to an abusive boy friend.

It seems to me, that what 's important in the subject matter
of this discussion is that, for the reasons indicated so eloquently by Brooke,
Sister separate herself from the bad guy,
who has been her de facto husband for the last 2 years,
judged by their living n (presumably) sleeping together,
rather than by the local laws of matrimony.
The factual history of this situation, as presented on this thread,
does not suggest that thay have only been room mates.
The issue of significant concern here is escape from dour, dire n menacing
conditions, not avoiding a future wedding.
At least, she need not be concerned with a pro forma divorce.





David

He's history. Since then, I've known some wonderful guys. The bad ones are not the norm. Thank God.

Life marches on to the beat of a better drum.

You're welcome.




Ah yes.....mind games and control. That's how it begins. They don't exactly "plan" things. There is just something inside of an abuser that snaps when he/she, feels the loss of control. They don't have to be bright. Or put thought into it, or plan it out.



Squinney, it never ceases to amaze me, the same scripts that abusers follow. I have been involved on forums, and worked with enough women in shelters, that you would think there would be something different. Unique, in each situation. There really isn't. It's almost like they are born of the same mold, in many ways.

Just keep doing what you're doing, sweetie. With a sister like you, this might turn out ok in the end. Good luck and let me know if you ever need anything.

wow, I have to say that I am in quite a similar situation with a please-don't-marry-my-sister mean guy.
the fact that he was worried about where your sister was Physically in a store--is a huge red flag. the reaction she had to what he said though is key. Like my sister, I am guessing that she just thought it was interesting/cute that he had been so worried about her, when in fact she should have been more shocked than you at what he was doing. If his control issues are flaring up THAT early in the relationship, she should have walked. unfortunately though, women who have a strong desire to be married, to anyone, is a hard concept to get past when they are faced with thinking they will never be married... so they tell themselves that they can and have to tolerate these "quirks" in order to be desirable for marriage. It is very disheartening to see this happen.... and heart crushing when it started happening to my own sister, who is the beacon of women's rights, and human justice, and she started letting some wierdo rude guy enter, and make camp, in her life.
Honestly though the comment he made at that earlier time regarding how he was re-assessing whether he would hit a woman... means it is time to worry not just for your safety ...but for your sister's. If he can say that to YOU, the sister of his "bride" who knows what he will do in the comfort of his own home.
I know I have my own opinion about trying to break my sister up from her soon-to-be-fiance but I would like to ask you a question.
What would your sister do ...if this were you? What would she do if you were dating someone just like him? would she be nearly this blind to the characteristically threatening behaviors? This is where I stand. I'm at the point where I do not know what to do. she will marry him, and I will be miserable-living in fear of him and what he will do to the most important person in my life... who just happens to not see what is happening to her or anyone else around her.