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I don't like my father, and I feel empty

 
 
cmlt
 
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 08:39 am
Hello there, so this is the very first time I'm doing this sort of thing on the internet. My main languaje is Spanish, so excuse me if I have done grammar mistakes.
Yesterday was father's day, and I kept the entire day frustrated at how my friends or people I know talked about their fathers on social medias.

But I never felt that way before. I'm a 19year old girl and my parents got divorced when my mom was pregnant of me. I have an older sister with 4 years of difference.

My father wasn't... the best, he didn't treat her as a husband should, he wasn't caring towards her and I think he maybe has some kind of psychological issue, I don't know... my point is that he never did something for us, or at least as I could remember.

He even told to my mom the next day they got married that if they ever divorced, she had to give him back the ring back because it was expensive... what the...!!???? He was really greedy with her. He cheated on my mom, and they divorced. After that my mom moved with then my older sister as a baby, to her parents.

From that day, until now, we still live in our grandpa's house.

I admire my mom, she has done everything for us all by herself, of course, with the support of my grandparents and my uncles. But basically she educated us, feed us, protect us...

And my father.....well, sometimes he comes to see my sister and I, it was more frecuent when we were little, but now that we are older he started to come like 2 times a year...in our birthdays, and thos visits are really awkward because technically he's a stranger to me. And btw, he has like 5 daughters/sons from previous marriages....

As the situation in my country is really complicated, with the economy being a disaster, important things like food or even toilet paper is getting difficult to find and afford. And the money he gives us for that... you can barely buy a 1kg of meat... yet when he visits us the only talks about him and his travels to the Himalaya and China ugh....

I seriously feel ashamed of him as my father, saying those the words "dad" or "father" feels strange to me so I try to avoid them. The only fatherly figure I had was my grandpa but he died of cancer in 2011. He was a great man, but geez, my father.... I hate when my mom compares me to him... I hate having him on my genes, I hate having his last name... he has made us cry a lot

so why now? I never felt like a needed a dad all these years, but lately I feel so empty and sad. I wish I had another father, not him. I need a dad... I'm jealous of people that have a father. I often think things would have been different if I had another father, I guess I would more confident...

I've never told this to someone, because I think is stupid at this age, after many years without a father, to start thinking about it, and I don't want to expose my vulnerability... lately I'm crying some nights because these mixed feelings of absent father... and for me is difficult to forgive him. He says he loves us but I never felt his love. If he did, where he has been in 23 years?

Sorry if this turned out too long to read
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 08:48 am
@cmlt,
You're allowed to not care for someone who has mistreated you.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 09:25 am
Agreeing with jes.

clmt, I never liked my father either, and I'm 57 years old.

I went through a really hard time with this for years. No divorce, my mother (for some reason) loved him. They were married for decades until he died.

I would feel guilt because I would hear "everyone loves their father" and could not understand at all when I would see my friends getting along with their dads.

That guilt would intertwine with anger and was an emotion I can't even name. I never felt jealous of not having a father relationship, because I couldn't even conceive it.

Then, one day when I was I'm sure over 50, I realized the sadness and jealousy in one moment. I was walking through a parking lot, and a little girl and her father were walking ahead of me. Suddenly the dad stopped and pointed down, the little girl looked down at her untied shoelace, and lifted her foot, while at the same time her father reached down and tied it. Then they continued walking.
The simple act of trust and love hit me like a tidal wave. I had to go back to my car and sit and weep for quite some time. I have tears in my eyes writing this.
I realized I never had, and would never have that kind of simple relationship with any father. Yes, it was an empty feeling. I was crying for the little girl I was.

Don't get me wrong, I'd long before that point worked it out that just because he was my father didn't mean we had to get along. I had help along the way. The fact is he didn't like me either. Didn't like me way before the time I was the little girl with the untied shoelace.

However, you are a grown woman. He is someone that is his own person, just as you are your own person.
You are free to go on and make your own good memories with other people from this point. You have permission to be happy and fill your life with good things.

0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  4  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 09:34 am
@cmlt,
Your father figure was your grandpa and your mom was both - mother and father to you. Instead of dwelling on things you cannot change, why not honor the people who are still in your life. Your grandpa died in 2011, but until then he took over by your own admittance.
Just cherish the memories of the good, loving childhood you had and don't emphasize on the absentee father.

Had he stuck around, it could have been a less than happy childhood for you. He would have disrespected your mother, argued constantly with her and had made all of your lives miserable while he was the king of the road. Would this have been a better childhood for you? Having a father around but a childhood in utter turmoil and very painful for your mom and you kids?

As I said, cherish the good childhood you had, and don't emphasize on the things you didn't have.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Jun, 2016 09:55 am
Lo siento.

There's a saying: You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.

Take the support of these three wonderful posters and sigue.

Sigue

0 Replies
 
usmanbin
 
  0  
Reply Sun 26 Jun, 2016 09:58 pm
You can't do anything silly with that.
0 Replies
 
 

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