So my sister is getting married, but...

Crikey! It makes so much sense without you even knowing her history that it brought tears to my eyes.

rereading all the posts this morning squinney, the pings in my head are drowning out everything.

Re the getting married for the first time @ 40?

I knew in my heart my first (brief) marriage would not last. He was a super control freak. The base reason why I married him when I was 31 or 32?

I was tired of people asking me "Are you married?", me saying "no" and getting some "oh....well....that's ok" response from much of the world. People like to see people paired up after a certain age.

I knew I wouldn't get that response from people if I would answer "No, I'm divorced" It was like saying "but someone loved me enough at some point to marry me."

sounds crazy I know, but the pressure/longing to"belong to" is strong. I don't mean that "belong to" in a negative way.....you belong to bear, bear belongs to you.....but you still belong to yourselves as well. I don't think this guy sees the 2nd part of this, except as pertaining to himself.

Re the settlement money? Don't kid yourself.

I got a nice chunk of money at one point during that first marriage....It was gone baby gone before I knew it, and none of it spent on me.

In my secure marriage today, I received an inheritance a few years ago. Today I can account for every bit of it. The amounts spent and where the remainder is. Similarly with a settlement my husband received even earlier. We both know exactly what was spent, and saved.

I'm betting your sisters settlement will disappear in a vague puff of smoke.

sorry....2 other things I wanted to mention.....

#1 - If someone new came on here and told the exact same story about herself and her fiancee, what would your thoughts be?

you're very close to this situation, but look at it as an outsider, an objective party.

#2 - Re posts about "being on a leash" and getting "used to" the transition of living with someone, in this case this man....

That is such bullshit.

There are tons of wonderful people in this world to be in a relationship with. Sure, sometimes a person may feel like they'll never find someone to be with.

In the society which we are speaking of, there is no reason to give anyone permission to be put on a leash, or have to get used to the mysterious ways of someone else, meaning their negative, controlling ****. That is what the SOB that wants to put a choke chain on a person, and make them deal with their crap wants you to believe.

If the other person loved and respected you, the way you deserve, why would they want you to put a lease on?

They wouldn't

I've used this line before, from the book The Joy Luck Club, and it's so true....

One of the mothers in the book said to her daughter "you don't know your own worth"

Does your sister know her worth? If she did, would she settle, or be appreciated by someone else who knows how valuable she is?

Someone asked if anyone has done a background check on this controlling dude? Good idea, especially with people who knew him during his first marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if he abused his first wife. I wonder if his children knew? They usually do.

Ping ping ping BBB.

I love squinney and because of that I will swallow a lot of **** from people I wouldn't normally. Let me just say that NO crazy asshole will harm me or my immediate family no matter how tough or crazy they are/want to appear to be.

Everyone else is on their own.

Oh, we KNOW that, Bear. Personally, I've been thinking that maybe you should be the one to straighten the cowboy out, mano-to-mano, but it's a delicate situation, no doubt.

that would not turn out well. It would escalate. I have a pretty bad temper myself, and although I'm not a big strong guy I do have a heart full of murder when the occasion calls for it. . I have learned to contain that over the years and I love squinney enough to bite back a lot but no need in letting that cat out of the bag unless things get really out of hand. We have police and sheriffs.

One thing I've learned over the years is that people are going to be who and what they are and you can't change that after a point... you can only choose to overcome your darker angels for the sake of the person/people you care for.

These two are going to get married and it will probably not turn out well IMO but you never know I could be wrong. Just don't **** with the Bears.

It's hard to turn someone back once they have bought the dress and sundry wedding junk. I do not see a fairy tale ending coming up. I hope she finds the strength to run, but most people don't, even when the truth stares them in the face and makes them cry. I basically agree with everyone else - be there for her and support her in anyway you can.


I would suggest these as an engagement gift:

I tried to call her around noon and did not get an answer. A couple of hours later she called and said they were out looking for a place for the reception. Acted like nothing had happened.

She called again a few minutes ago and same thing. It's like it never happened.

So... I guess I'll just play it by ear.

Its good to hear that.
I was beginning to feel a little uneasy in the back of my mind,
qua concerns of personal safety, if certain possibilities play out.

U might consider how to arrange the specifics,
if an urgent situation were ever to develop from anyone 's ungoverned emotions.
No one outside of your immediate family needs to be aware of your preparations.

Someone once opined that:
"failing to plan is planning to fail."

the mind has amazing powers to forget what happened, and likewise to remember what never happened. Very often we remember things as we need to them to have been in order to support the myth (the story) of who we are.

I was not sufficiently precise in my suggestion
about the avoidance of humor. I only meant that humor shoud not
be applied to his name, his person, his property, his conduct,
nor his opinions, but that humor shoud proceed as normal
regarding unrelated issues. However, u r the best judge of this.
U have personal knowledge of the facts.

I thought that BBB 's advice qua having a private detective run a
sub rosa investigation of his background was very insightful and apt.
In my experience, thay cost little and work fast.

I wonder what information ex-wife has to offer ?
Have we only heard ONE SIDE of the story ?
Do we have infinite faith in the perfection of his veracity ?

What do u imagine woud happen
if sister committed her cash to a long term investment
that was beyond hubby 's reach for several years ?
Maybe she coud get some independent investment advice ?





David

You sure got the equipment for that!!!


If she's acting like nothing happened.....for what it's worth....I'd be canny and careful. You wanna be there for the long term, and she's not really tuned in to her pre-frontal cortex right now.

Good Bear!

In case anyone needs a bodyguard:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6c5b06c2d1/very-funny-from-panthers123





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Squinney, your sis probably needs some help on the background...after all she told you what happened and she surely needs more than a shoulder to cry on. This must be a tough time for you; even worse for her...torn.

You have nothing to apologize for. He seems very much like someone I know - his jokes are dry, very sarcastic and always have someone else to blame. All I do is limit my conversation with him; heck there's no conversation only sentences. He's just a person with low self-esteem and who doesn't know how to express his feelings as normal people do. Soon (than later, we hope) he'll or with sis' help build his confidence.

Another thing about him is that he does not or care to understand people and their situation. He is most important to him and everyone else. Always has to have the last say.

But Squinney, one thing I can tell is that your lil' sis will have loads of testing times ahead. I hope she's patient and strong. Surely it'll help to have you around. Be with her and be as you have been always; just ignore him when you're with your sis hence keeping his nonsense at bay coz trust me, then he'll not have any issues to get 'insulted'.

Most of all, pray for his heart and mind.

It is a poor thing that your sister has to marry this guy, such an a**hole. People who can't take a joke can only mean that he is a lame a**. Suggest to him: "You didn't eat any sugary-thing do you? Is that why you never smile?"

Well, the wedding is off. She called this morning. Very sad.

Some of the things she said (thanks for supporting me, I know I had to learn it on my own, etc) made me think she had seen this thread.

I'm sad for her, but somewhat relieved. She deserves someone that loves her.

Thanks everyone for your advice. You really helped.

Real life hurts,

Hugs to your sis...

(and kudos to u)

She's definitely better off without this guy.... squinney's sister and I aren't exactly close.... but I wouldn't wish him on her or anyone else.