So my sister is getting married, but...

@Phoenix32890,

Quote:

what I am afraid of, is that if someone does not set the sister straight, and keep her out of harm's way, , everyone might lose her.

this is ignorance, you can not save somebody who does not want to be saved, those who are harming themselves by addiction or relationship have to want to stop....have to hit bottom....before they can be helped. It is everybody else's job to make sure that they do not sufferer collateral damage until and unless the self harmer is ready to change.

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I'm getting rattled on this too.

I thought I posted that it is time for a sisters' vacation but I must have thought better of whatever I said. Would I could mail you two an italy trip ticket - that's not out of the blue, exactly, just a thought, but never mind. Not that doing such a thing would work for Squinney, and if it would, probably not just now with the sister in this presumably emotional mess.
Fanciful as that was, I still hope sister gets in touch with a shelter group and gets some information/group discussion going.

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All I know is I kept to myself about it and had nothing to say... and then he says he might slap the **** out of me or one of my boys? **** that. Nobody is going to smack one of the Bears.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
what I am afraid of, is that if someone does not set the sister straight, and keep her out of harm's way, , everyone might lose her.

this is ignorance, you can not save somebody who does not want to be saved,
those who are harming themselves by addiction or relationship have to want to stop....
have to hit bottom....before they can be helped.
It is everybody else's job to make sure
that they do not sufferer collateral damage until and
unless the self harmer is ready to change.

From Bear 's last post it is clear that collateral damage
may be imminent within the near future.

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don't get me wrong...I've heard a million miles of tough talk in my life and I'm still pretty. These two live 25 miles away and as long as everything stays on their side of the world...I've got nothing to say. There'll be no problems or inflammatory talk or behavior out of me...unless the bullshit moves over to my house.

1 Reply

@Bi-Polar Bear,

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

don't get me wrong...I've heard a million miles of tough talk in my life and I'm still pretty. These two live 25 miles away and as long as everything stays on their side of the world...I've got nothing to say. There'll be no problems or inflammatory talk or behavior out of me...unless the bullshit moves over to my house.

Self defense and home defense r all about controlling the situation
as safely as possible for the members of your family, if an emergency arises.

Do u think it 'd be worth taking the time for a family meeting
to discuss what each of u 'd be willing to do and able to do
to provide for one another 's immediate security,
in circumstances of exigent danger ?

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@Rockhead,

Rockhead wrote:

Dave, he doesn't strike me as the type that cruises relationship forums.

just saying...

I was just idly musing, Rocky.
I don' t expect him to read what we said.

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@hawkeye10,

Quote:

this is ignorance, you can not save somebody who does not want to be saved, those who are harming themselves by addiction or relationship have to want to stop....have to hit bottom....before they can be helped.

The woman obviously knows that something is awry..........That's why she cancelled the wedding. Yes, some people have to hit bottom, before they can be saved, but I see something different in this situation. It may be that the sister wants to get away from the man, but does not have the wherewithal or the skills to do it. That is where a lot of support and guidance would help.

If Squinney and the Bear don't want to become too involved in this drama, they can suggest counselling with an impartial professional who deals with codependence.

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I called her last night to ask if we could have a "girls day" and hang out. At first she said sure, then said they may be taking his grandson (3yo) fishing. They had been to his daughters house the night before and she (23ish) had taken him outside to talk privately. He told sis that daughter had said she was jealous that sis gets so much more of his time.

WTF?

Either something didn't ring true to me about what was really said or or she's not mentally healthy either. (Then again, who of us can claim to be 100% mentally healthy)

If she calls to let me know what time to meet up, great. If she calls and says they are taking grandson fishing, I might suggest daughter, father and grandson go on the outing to have time together and see what the response is.

1 Reply

@squinney,

squinney wrote:

Quote:
I called her last night to ask if we could have a "girls day" and hang out. At first she said sure, then said they may be taking his grandson (3yo) fishing. They had been to his daughters house the night before and she (23ish) had taken him outside to talk privately. He told sis that daughter had said she was jealous that sis gets so much more of his time.

WTF?

Either something didn't ring true to me about what was really said or or she's not mentally healthy either.

(Then again, who of us can claim to be 100% mentally healthy)

Yes; a friend of mine is a psychiatrist.
Once he said to me:
"David, anyone who u don 't think is crazy,
is just someone who u don 't know well enuf."

He also confessed to me that he had suicidal ideation,
related to his financial concerns.
Does that tend to support his point ?

Quote:
If she calls to let me know what time to meet up, great.
If she calls and says they are taking grandson fishing,

I might suggest daughter, father and grandson go on the outing
to have time together and see what the response is.

CLEVER !

That s very clever, Squinney.

David

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So, your sister and her fiance are back together?

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@eoe,

Unfortunately, they live together. They have for a couple of years now.

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Here is the Bear take and prediction....she is going to continue living with this guy... they may or may not marry...in her mind this whole thing is about blown over already....she is content until the next episode... he has what he wants which is her, isolated, without her pesky relatives swarming around.... he can assist her in quickly spending that settlement... and that anything squinney says to sis that is in the least bit offensive to him (and that could be damn near anything) will get back to him.

My advice? Drop it and leave it alone because the die is cast IMO. Squinney may or may not consider my advice positively and act on it. It will make no difference to me or my feelings about her. I think it's pretty well documented that my world revolves around her, the cubs and the collective us.

As long as I don't have to go there... and he NEVER comes here.... all is well. I would probably even consider letting bygones be bygones for the sake of squinney's comfort and love of her sister if I received a sincere "I said that in the heat of the moment, it would never really happen and I'm sorry." That could happen. I could wake up Monday with a restored head of 1980's hair too I suppose...or Jesus could arrive driving an Escalade with spinners.

When I was a child I wished for siblings. What was I, stupid?

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@squinney,

squinney wrote:

Unfortunately, they live together.
They have for a couple of years now.

I don 't know, but I SUSPECT that if u took
a consensus of the contributors to this thread,
thay 'd exhort an EVACUATION of the premises.

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Quote:

I don 't know, but I SUSPECT that if u took
a consensus of the contributors to this thread,
thay 'd exhort an EVACUATION of the premises

hopefully not, as that is not different than taking to the bottle....neither getting drunk nor running away will solve this problem. Both would add problems to the equation.

1 Reply

@Bi-Polar Bear,

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

Here is the Bear take and prediction....she is going to continue living with this guy... they may or may not marry...in her mind this whole thing is about blown over already....she is content until the next episode... he has what he wants which is her, isolated, without her pesky relatives swarming around.... he can assist her in quickly spending that settlement... and that anything squinney says to sis that is in the least bit offensive to him (and that could be damn near anything) will get back to him.

My advice? Drop it and leave it alone because the die is cast IMO. Squinney may or may not consider my advice positively and act on it. It will make no difference to me or my feelings about her. I think it's pretty well documented that my world revolves around her, the cubs and the collective us.

As long as I don't have to go there... and he NEVER comes here.... all is well. I would probably even consider letting bygones be bygones for the sake of squinney's comfort and love of her sister if I received a sincere "I said that in the heat of the moment, it would never really happen and I'm sorry." That could happen. I could wake up Monday with a restored head of 1980's hair too I suppose...or Jesus could arrive driving an Escalade with spinners.

When I was a child I wished for siblings. What was I, stupid?

Maybe I missed something, at the beginning of this thread,
but I have only recently become aware that thay live together
and have done so for 2 years. That casts this thread in an entirely
new light. I don 't know whether u have common law marriage
in North Carolina, but upon the basis of their habitation,
Sister is his de facto wife.

Therefore, in actuality, since he already HAS her,
we were never contemplating a forthcoming marriage,
but rather the wisdom of a de facto divorce.

If he has had possession of her for 2 years
and during that time, he has not locked her inside,
nor boarded up the windows yet,
then there 's a pretty good chance that he will not do so.
He appears to believe that this is not necessary.

What difference does it make whether thay have
a ceremonial marriage or not ?

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

Quote:
I don 't know, but I SUSPECT that if u took
a consensus of the contributors to this thread,
thay 'd exhort an EVACUATION of the premises

hopefully not, as that is not different than taking to the bottle....
neither getting drunk nor running away will solve this problem.
Both would add problems to the equation.

Not if she put herself beyond his reach, Hawkeye.

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@Bi-Polar Bear,

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

Here is the Bear take and prediction....she is going to continue living with this guy... they may or may not marry...in her mind this whole thing is about blown over already....she is content until the next episode... he has what he wants which is her, isolated, without her pesky relatives swarming around.... he can assist her in quickly spending that settlement... and that anything squinney says to sis that is in the least bit offensive to him (and that could be damn near anything) will get back to him.

That's very problematical. You just can't go on forever being betrayed by your natural allies, but it's darn hard to abandon part of the family, too.

1 Reply

@roger,

roger wrote:

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

Here is the Bear take and prediction....she is going to continue living with this guy... they may or may not marry...in her mind this whole thing is about blown over already....she is content until the next episode... he has what he wants which is her, isolated, without her pesky relatives swarming around.... he can assist her in quickly spending that settlement... and that anything squinney says to sis that is in the least bit offensive to him (and that could be damn near anything) will get back to him.

That's very problematical. You just can't go on forever being betrayed
by your natural allies, but it's darn hard to abandon part of the family, too.

Bear, did u mean that Sister, herself, will tell Mr. Bad Guy,
or that OTHER people will do so ?

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@Bi-Polar Bear,

Bi-Polar Bear wrote:

this guy has a history of violent behavior... he has talked to seth cub about how to kill someone and get away with it... how it feels to put a bullet in an animals body....this guy is not wrapped tight.

Christ on a crutch. Did we just discover cjhsa's whereabouts?

3 Replies

So my sister is getting married, but...

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