So my sister is getting married, but...

Just wanna say another HELLO to the Bear…and a big HI to Squinney.

But there is this comment that comes to mind also.

Probably all of us have known women friends who just seem to gravitate toward guy like this character"or worse, much worse.

I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship…who had come from previous abusive relationships…and who surely has gone on to subsequent abusive relationships. Actually, I’ve known several situations of this sort.

If you try to fix some of these folks up with someone decent (as I did)--the report back always seems to be that the decent guy is boring or uninteresting or the old standby “not my type.”

Glad this one died out for your sister, Squinney…but I doubt you will be surprised if it turns out this is just one more rung on a ladder of similar rungs.

Hope for the best; be there for her…but don’t despair if she only finds happiness in guys who make her unhappy.

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@squinney,

squinney wrote:

I expressed to her yesterday that since she has the settlement money coming it would be a great time for her to get a place of her own, be independent and learn to live with herself. She has tended to go from one bad situation to another, always the healthier mind in each pairing and thinking she can "help" them.

Time to "help" herself.

She agreed, and I hope she will follow through.

yup...and squinney's opinion is valued by many...including me.

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@Frank Apisa,

Waving to Frank!!!

I had to keep checking the dates on posts thinking surely someone was reopening old threads. So glad to see you back! Please stay.

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It was HER decision? Well, that's great! I am thrilled to be wrong.

Still, we know how control freaks want to call all the shots, so I think David's point is well taken. Since this break-up wasn't his idea, no doubt he's unhappy about it. I'd expect him to go to some lengths to regain control...once he gets over having a hissy fit.

I hope she stays strong.

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@Eva,

Eva wrote:

It was HER decision? Well, that's great! I am thrilled to be wrong.
I hope she stays strong.

Ditto.

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That didn't take long!!! Just got an e-mail from her:

He showed up at her work today in his tux shirt, vest and jacket (with black jeans) and wearing the wedding band. She asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to show that he is committed to her. Whether or not she wants to get married and do the whole legal thing or not, he wanted her to know he is committed to her.

They went to lunch.

Called her a minute ago and she was pulling into the drive so couldn't really talk very long but she assured me her "eyes are open" and "Don't worry."

I haven't laid out my concerns. She has pretty much picked up on the same things herself as things she needs to be aware of. I told her I would talk to her tomorrow.

I

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drama...lots of drama for the next month...

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@Bi-Polar Bear,

Hoping the drama resolves with sister not changing her mind.
Oddly, probably, I see this as time for travel, if she has ever wanted to. I don't mean travel and romance, I mean travel either in real life or in the mind to get some perspective.

Um, one of my friends went to italy with her sisters for her fiftieth birthday. She's now near as much a fool about travelling to see as I am. Nothin' like one sister backing up a rental car on a cliff path that turned out not to be a road... sans guardrails... to connect sisters.

I think sister may have engrained behavior, but don't know. People do actually change, are capable of it. But that's a process sister will have to explore, or not.

Edit to say the guy is a drama queen, on top of all the other stuff. Kind of a god thing.

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@squinney,

Gadzooks she needs to be sent on a Greyhound bus to anywhere but where you live. I hear Buffalo is nice if you like snow.

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@squinney,

squinney wrote:

That didn't take long!!! Just got an e-mail from her:

He showed up at her work today in his tux shirt, vest and jacket (with black jeans) and wearing the wedding band. She asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to show that he is committed to her. Whether or not she wants to get married and do the whole legal thing or not, he wanted her to know he is committed to her.

They went to lunch.

Called her a minute ago and she was pulling into the drive so couldn't really talk very long but she assured me her "eyes are open" and "Don't worry."

I haven't laid out my concerns. She has pretty much picked up on the same things herself as things she needs to be aware of. I told her I would talk to her tomorrow.

I

Pfft!! No flowers? He's not that committed.

Take care that he's not one of those "if I can't have you then nobody can" types.

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@Frank Apisa,

This is one of those times it would be nice to be very wrong, huh Frank?

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

Gadzooks she needs to be sent on a Greyhound bus to anywhere but where you live.

I hear Buffalo is nice if you like snow.

Yeah; I know a really good Italian restaurant there.
Good food; and GENEROUS.
I miss it.

David

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Butrflynet wrote:

squinney wrote:

That didn't take long!!! Just got an e-mail from her:

He showed up at her work today in his tux shirt, vest and jacket (with black jeans) and wearing the wedding band. She asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to show that he is committed to her. Whether or not she wants to get married and do the whole legal thing or not, he wanted her to know he is committed to her.

They went to lunch.

Called her a minute ago and she was pulling into the drive so couldn't really talk very long but she assured me her "eyes are open" and "Don't worry."

I haven't laid out my concerns. She has pretty much picked up on the same things herself as things she needs to be aware of. I told her I would talk to her tomorrow.

I

Pfft!! No flowers? He's not that committed.

Take care that he's not one of those
"if I can't have you then nobody can" types.

Yeah; the problem with THAT is that sometimes when
the victims find out, its too late.

( not to be pessimistic )

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@OmSigDAVID,

OmSigDAVID wrote:

jespah wrote:
Gadzooks she needs to be sent on a Greyhound bus to anywhere but where you live.

I hear Buffalo is nice if you like snow.

Yeah; I know a really good Italian restaurant there.
Good food; and GENEROUS.
I miss it.

David

I think the only restaurant I've been to in Buffalo is the Anchor Bar. Clichéed, I know. Not to derail the topic.

I really do hope that lil sis can realize her own self-worth, and that it doesn't need to be tied to a jerk like that.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Quote:

Take care that he's not one of those "if I can't have you then nobody can" types.

No kidding!

A different definition of the word "committed" is coming to my mind where he is concerned.

1 Reply

@JPB,

What pinged for me was the wedding ring. He's already asserting his ownership of her by blatantly wearing that ring after the wedding was called off. He is not so subtly telling her that she still belongs to him and no one else.

She needs to thread the needle very carefully on this one. It might even be a great idea if she were to take a short vacation somewhere without telling him anything about it, just so his reaction can be observed.

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Oh Squinney, I do hope for the best for your sister. His showing up at her work like that? Very scarey!
It took me a few years to be at a point that I feel happy and content with just the way things are for me. And that is single and experiencing life just the way I like it. Hope she can feel the same and eventually find someone who fits in with that.

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Maybe this guy is controlling, maybe this woman wants to be with a guy who will control her, who knows. It does happen, and while we might not want that kind of life for ourselves, this is not our life. This is the relationship that we know about only through the heresy of a relative of one of the parties, which is to say we know next to nothing factual about it.

If I had a sib who was with somebody I felt was bad for them I would tell them so, and tell them also that this is their life so they take or ignore my opinion as they see fit. I would never tell anyone else what I thought, especially not the mate of my sib.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

OmSigDAVID wrote:
jespah wrote:
Gadzooks she needs to be sent on a Greyhound bus to anywhere but where you live.

I hear Buffalo is nice if you like snow.

Yeah; I know a really good Italian restaurant there.
Good food; and GENEROUS.
I miss it.

David

I think the only restaurant I've been to in Buffalo is the Anchor Bar.
Clichéed, I know. Not to derail the topic.

I really do hope that lil sis can realize her own self-worth,
and that it doesn't need to be tied to a jerk like that.

Not to derail anything either,
but I hope that Sis will take the RR
to Buffalo (shuffling off 'd take too long n be ruff on shoe leather)
and celebrate the loss of Mr. Bad Guy by wrapping her mouth around
a GENEROUS appetizer of Fried Calamari Rings
and a main course of Pasta, Garlic, & Oil LASAGNA (Lasanya) at CHEF 's
http://www.ilovechefs.com/ and let them make HAPPINESS to her mouth; exultant rapture !
Its as tho Angels come down and blow gold trumpets of jubilant triumph
when u bite the Lasanya.
OOOOOO; Words fail . . . ineffable

Sis may KNOW, with her innermost being, that the most fundamental
ontological purpose of Man 's earliest ancestor in crawling out of the slime
was to evolve to that moment of euphoric culinary success in her mouth.

To my mind, it seemed like travel thru time, back to the 1920s,
a neighborhood Italian restaurant, with very surprizingly low prices.

Bearing in mind that I have a history of many decades of gluttony,
I have had ONE problem with Chef 's, to wit:
(this is TRUE, no joke) thay gave me so much food
in the appetizer and main course that I coud not even finish THAT
( I took it back to my hotel, usually the Hyatt or Adam's Mark )
let alone get thru to the DESSERTS.

Eventually, knowing what I was up against, from experience,
I was able to get thru the first 2 courses to the dessert menu
and I found that it was better in flavor, consistency n visual appeal
than I had anticipated; really good desserts.

I used to go to Buffalo for litigation; my trips were on my expense acct.,
but now I have retired = no more trips to Chef 's; poor me.
I used to bring back menus for my friends.

(A couple of times, I took a cab to enjoy America 's natural beauty at Niagara Falls,
which I had seen in movies n on TV. It was fun to wash my hands in Niagara Falls.)

Sis shoud make it a tradition
that every time she rejects a Bad Guy she celebrates at CHEF's.

It will be fun.

David

P.S.:
I do not have a proprietary interest in that restaurant.

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@squinney,

Quote:

He showed up at her work today in his tux shirt, vest and jacket (with black jeans) and wearing the wedding band. She asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to show that he is committed to her. Whether or not she wants to get married and do the whole legal thing or not, he wanted her to know he is committed to her.

They went to lunch.

Holy ****, Squinney, this guy sounds like a nutball. Personally, I think that it was a mistake for her to go out to lunch with him, but it's done.

If he is pulling stunts like that, there is no telling what he will do. If he starts harassing her at work, the bosses might object, and it might just affect her job.

It sounds like he is attempting to wheedle his way back into her good graces again. IMO, if she were wise, she'd cut things off completely.

If it were me, I would take out a restraining order against him.

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So my sister is getting married, but...

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