married and started affair with an old flame....

Thanks for the update, jake. I'm sorry, but I'm not. She deserved to know, you deserve to be in a healthy relationship, your children deserve two parents in their lives.

Good luck, stay in touch at whatever level makes you comfortable.

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For the record.

She did not find out from someone else. She had her suspicions and confronted me. She asked me point-blank if I was seeing someone else. Instead of continuing the lie, I said, "Yes."

So, I was not man enough to come out and confess. But I chose to do the 'right thing' and not continue the lie once confronted.

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Another update
We are moving toward divorce. My wife and I are both in counseling.

I've gone on anti-depressants.

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jake,

I'm sorry you are at such a difficult time in your life. I don't know if you are interested in reading about life's crazy (no pun intended) twists and turns, but Gail Sheehy's, "Understanding Men's Passages" may help you see that the feelings you have are not all that unusual. Not that that makes them go away, but it's sometimes helpful to know that adult 'ages and stages' are as predictable as those in children. You live through the developmental stages of your kids, and you'll make it through the ones you face as an adult.

Just as knowing that a three year old is behaving normally for a three year old, it's sometimes valuable to understand adult transitions or passages as normal too.

Good luck!

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Thanks JPB!

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Take care of yourself Jake.

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Thanks, Montana!

That is what the counseling and meds are for I guess. Perhaps, had I sought treatment long ago, this would not have become such a mess.

Perhaps not...no one can know now.

Only forward to move from here.

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Jake wrote:

Quote:

Only forward to move from here.

Very good.

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Counseling definitely will help, Jake! I'm not so sure why you need
to take medication though. Lots of marriages break up every year and
although it's an emotional roller coaster for a while and certainly stressful
and desolate, it is doable.

Nonetheless, good luck for your future well being.

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Jake,

My question to you isn't just out of curiousity but hoping to understand things that happened in my life better. Please don't be offended and you can always choose not to answer. Have you chosen to go through this life change on your own to figure yourself out better or are you continuing to pursue your old flame?

My ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with 4 years later. I still don't understand what happened to the man I thought was my best friend. Over the past 4 years he has become a complete stranger and his parenting plan is way different now than mine.

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CalamityJane wrote:

Counseling definitely will help, Jake! I'm not so sure why you need
to take medication though. Lots of marriages break up every year and
although it's an emotional roller coaster for a while and certainly stressful
and desolate, it is doable.

Nonetheless, good luck for your future well being.

Well, the Psych. said she thinks I've had depression for a long time based on my evaluation. This just seems to have put me over the edge emotionally to the point where I've been unable to carry out daily responsibilies. I have been unable to focus and concentrate at work. My finances are a mess because I haven't been keeping track of stuff, etc.

So, my counselor suggested I get an evaluation. I will ask her to give me some insight into what led to the suggestion. Also, I meet with the Psych. again next week. I intended to have her elaborate on what she saw that led her to believe I've been depressed.

I guess I felt I needed to do something to get myself straightened out. I'm putting a lot of faith in the professionals I am paying to make sound recommendations.

Anyway, for me, this goes beyond what I am going through with my marriage.

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martybarker wrote:

Jake,

My question to you isn't just out of curiousity but hoping to understand things that happened in my life better. Please don't be offended and you can always choose not to answer. Have you chosen to go through this life change on your own to figure yourself out better or are you continuing to pursue your old flame?

My ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with 4 years later. I still don't understand what happened to the man I thought was my best friend. Over the past 4 years he has become a complete stranger and his parenting plan is way different now than mine.

I am still in contact with Sally. However, she is going through her own divorce right now and needs to focus on getting herself established and do what she needs to do for her and her children. Her situation is different from mine in that her husband is controlling and jealous. She was going to be leaving him even if I had not come along.

We have agreed that we need to take care of our own situations before pursuing a relationship together.

So to answer your question: I have chosen to try and figure myself out on my own. And I will be pursuing a relationship with Sally, but that will not be until we've gotten used to divorced life and sort out our own personal issues.

We are not jumping right into life together as a household.

I hope that answers your question.

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Jake,
Is Sally the reason for you leaving your wife or are you certain that your marriage is incapable of fixing for other reasons?

I want to add again, I'm not trying to badger you or place judgment on you, just trying to figure things out in my life and hope you can give me some insight.

I was really sad over what happened in my life and think my ex is a complete jerk, but that doesn't mean I feel one way or the other about you.

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martybarker wrote:

Jake,
Is Sally the reason for you leaving your wife or are you certain that your marriage is incapable of fixing for other reasons?

I want to add again, I'm not trying to badger you or place judgment on you, just trying to figure things out in my life and hope you can give me some insight.

I was really sad over what happened in my life and think my ex is a complete jerk, but that doesn't mean I feel one way or the other about you.

I know you are not trying to badger me.

I think getting together with Sally was a catalyst. I was unhappy. I think I drifted away from my wife and was not man enough to go to her and try to fix it.

I made a decision to carry my relationship with Sally too far. Even with the logic staring me in the face. I chose to walk away from my marriage.

At this point, the damage is irreparable. There was a point earlier on at which I could have tried to save my marriage. I chose not to. I didn't think I could stay in the marriage because I cannot be honest. I cannot be trusted.

So. Like your ex. I am a complete jerk. I'm also an idiot. No excuses. I've made some really crappy choices over the past 17 years. This choice has had the most severe consequences.

I will continue counseling. I will continue the medication. I will try to find some shred of honesty in myself.

I don't know if that gives you any insight at all. I guess, like you, I am trying to make some sense of it all.

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jake123 wrote:

Well, the Psych. said she thinks I've had depression for a long time based on my evaluation. This just seems to have put me over the edge emotionally to the point where I've been unable to carry out daily responsibilies. I have been unable to focus and concentrate at work. My finances are a mess because I haven't been keeping track of stuff, etc.

So, my counselor suggested I get an evaluation. I will ask her to give me some insight into what led to the suggestion. Also, I meet with the Psych. again next week. I intended to have her elaborate on what she saw that led her to believe I've been depressed.

I guess I felt I needed to do something to get myself straightened out. I'm putting a lot of faith in the professionals I am paying to make sound recommendations.
Anyway, for me, this goes beyond what I am going through with my marriage.

Thank you for your honest response. I am always puzzled by the immediate prescription of anti-depressants these days, even before any therapist can make an overall assessment of the emotional state of a client. It's this instant "this-makes-you-feel-better" approach vs. working through the problems in different ways. anti-depressants can backfire
very fast, depending what medication you're using.

To me that would be an indication if a therapist is competent or not, if
one prescribes anti-depressant immediately prior to any comprehensive
analyse.

Nonetheless, I wish you all the best.

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Quote:

I am always puzzled by the immediate prescription of anti-depressants these days, even before any therapist can make an overall assessment of the emotional state of a client. It's this instant "this-makes-you-feel-better" approach vs. working through the problems in different ways. anti-depressants can backfire
very fast, depending what medication you're using.

I've been of the same mind for a long time. I always thought medications were over-prescribed. I guess that is part of why I'd never sought treatment before.

I will be asking questions. I know it would have been more logical to ask first and take the script later, but logic has not been a strong point in my thinking lately.

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Quote:

I will be asking questions. I know it would have been more logical to ask first and take the script later, but logic has not been a strong point in my thinking lately.

I did ask my counselor what she saw that led her to suggest I may have depression. She said my inability to focus or concentrate, inability to sleep, roller-coaster emotions (I know this may be a normal situational reaction). I guess the roller-coaster emotions seemed more pronounced to me than normal. The lows were very deep. I wanted to just shut down and crawl in a hole.

I see the Psych. next week. I will ask her questions as well.

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Good for you Jake. One shouldn't forget that these anti-depressants
can have horrendous side-effects and a long-term withdrawal when
quitting them.

Frankly, the things she described to you, are really to be expected
when your marriage breaks up and you're in an emotional turmoil.

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Quote:

Frankly, the things she described to you, are really to be expected
when your marriage breaks up and you're in an emotional turmoil.

I agree. That's why I will be asking the Psych. about her comment that she thinks I've been depressed for a long time. I do know that it is my choice whether to stay on the meds or not. For now, I feel they've been a help.

I have to mention that for longer than I'd like to admit, I had been "self-medicating" with alcohol. I had been drinking almost every night. Usually to the point of being drunk. For the past two weeks, I did not drink Sun.-Mon. And I took it "easy" on the weekends. I know that two weeks does not a "sober" person make. I haven't had a desire for it though.

Curious: Are you in the counseling profession Jane?

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Oh no, not me, but I do have several friends who are Psychologists
in Europe, and we talk a lot about the different methods in the US vs. Europe. There anti-depressants are an absolute last resort, reserved
for people who are clinically diagnosed with severe depression, are bi-polar
or have other serious emotional illnesses.

I also saw firsthand what anti-depressants can do to a person,
and how long it took him to finally wean himself off these medications.
Furthermore, I don't think he needed it in the first place, he sought
out a therapist for unresolved childhood issues.

I always feel that a good therapist will prescribe anti-depressants only then
when everything else fails.

My opinion, of course.

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married and started affair with an old flame....

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