Mynameiswhat wrote:So it seems as though Outaideas probably has come to the realization that "Love" is putting another person before themselves... a totally irrational notion that goes against human nature by now... and regardless of her situation, I would like to pose a question.
To those that cheat, why do/did you cheat? What is it about cheating that appeals to you. To be honest, I've been dating my girlfriend for a few years now and this summer she went back to her home country to be with her family. I dont' go out that much because it costs far too much money, time, and effort, but on the two occasions I did go to a social event I was presented with the opportunity to cheat on the woman that I love with someone I had met that night. Please, if you are imagining the circumstances, it was classy. The woman made it clear she had an interest and asked me if I would be willing to drive her home. At the time, I understood what was going on and could only think of one thing. I could imagine the hurt face of my long time girlfriend and I felt so much guilt that I realized, much to my relief, I cared about her deeply enough to never BE ABLE to cheat on her. I didn't feel guilty about putting myself in the situation, because it was a benign circumstance.
Proabably due to the influence of pop-culture and the media, I have come to think this is reaction is probably very strange, but it leads me to wonder why anyone cheats. I can understand lapse in judgment, especially in conjunction with alcohol, but concious disregard for a partner just seems so narcacistic. Can anyone shed some light, barring responses like "cuZ Ch3tin iz teh Funz," on cheating as a whole? I'm sure there are hundreds of reasons people cheat, but is there an undermining element to the psyche, the sub-conscious, or personality that makes people prone to cheating?
I don't think there is just one reason anyone cheats, and just because someone does cheat, doesn't mean they don't care about anyone and are bad people. There are those that don't care much, and often do not divorce purely because of the children. Then sometimes people do truly CARE about their spouse, as in, they love them like you would love any family member.....but there is a different sort of love that needs to also be there between a man and woman to be truly happily married, I think. They need to be in love, and alot of people don't have that, and even if they don't consciously realize it, they crave it- maybe they crave the emotional and/or physical intimacy they once had and that is why they find themselves cheating. Who knows? I had an affair with my married boss years ago. He used to tell me all the time before we hooked up what a wonderful mother and person his wife was, but would lament that there was no spark between them. Alot of the time in our "affair" we wouldn't even be sleeping together, but he'd just sit there and hug me just so he could enjoy that feeling, I guess. He felt horribly guilty every time we WOULD sleep together, and would say that he never imagined himself to be the kind of person to do this and that he was torn between feelings he felt when he was with me, and feelings regarding guilt over cheating. It's not always an easy decision, like some people seem to think, to just "divorce and go on with your life". Especially with children, and even moreso with small children, as he had at the time. AND they had just bought their first house together. I was never going to ask him to leave his family, and it tore me up every time I saw him and he would leave to go home.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there is no black and white. On the basis of stating what is right or wrong, it is much easier to SPEAK about it and to judge others for what you think is wrong, but when you find yourself in the situation yourself, it is much different. It's like trying to imagine the choice between leaving your spouse to be with someone who makes you feel alive and who you have fallen in love with , and making the decision to change your life drastically, not to see your children every day, to only see them on weekends or whenever the custody agreement says you can.
If the person cheating has no children, I wouldn't say it's an easy decision, but much easier. But when there are kids involved, it becomes a whole other world entirely. Whether or not cheating is immoral is almost irrelevant. No one WANTS to find themselves married to one person and in love with another, but this is what life hands us sometimes, and rather than face uprooting their familieis, some people choose to cheat to get that missing spark in their life, and try not to think about where it will lead. Not that they don't care, but that they can't fathom to think far ahead about what to do about it. Try to remember: when the spouse that is being cheated on truly has no idea, they are not hurt, the family appears happy, and life goes on. In my case, his wife almost did find out on two occasions and was mad at him for a long time but in the end chose to make herself believe that it didn't happen. This is how she dealt with things. Everyone deals differently.
I could go on but it's pointless, people will feel and do what they like no matter what anyone else says. I am madly in love with this mad to this day, and I pray one day I will find someone else like him (who is single, of course) but that never made the decision to see him or not any easier.
ciao
