married and started affair with an old flame....

Mynameiswhat -- Welcome to A2K

You've dropped into a thread and posed a question that elicits more questions than answers. Let's start with the basic one.

How do you define cheating?

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ah sorry. I'm going to stick to a nice textbook definition of infedelity but not in the religous context.

Infidelity: unfaithfulness in marriage or other moral obligation

I don't want to really try to define what is and or isn't cheating but I think it would be wise to stick to having an affair/sex. Additionally, I just realized my post may be asking to have people admit to or discuss a likely incredibly difficult time in their life so as much as I am asking a relatively focused question, feel free to be light hearted about it.

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Mynameiswhat wrote:

So it seems as though Outaideas probably has come to the realization that "Love" is putting another person before themselves... a totally irrational notion that goes against human nature by now... and regardless of her situation, I would like to pose a question.

To those that cheat, why do/did you cheat? What is it about cheating that appeals to you. To be honest, I've been dating my girlfriend for a few years now and this summer she went back to her home country to be with her family. I dont' go out that much because it costs far too much money, time, and effort, but on the two occasions I did go to a social event I was presented with the opportunity to cheat on the woman that I love with someone I had met that night. Please, if you are imagining the circumstances, it was classy. The woman made it clear she had an interest and asked me if I would be willing to drive her home. At the time, I understood what was going on and could only think of one thing. I could imagine the hurt face of my long time girlfriend and I felt so much guilt that I realized, much to my relief, I cared about her deeply enough to never BE ABLE to cheat on her. I didn't feel guilty about putting myself in the situation, because it was a benign circumstance.

Proabably due to the influence of pop-culture and the media, I have come to think this is reaction is probably very strange, but it leads me to wonder why anyone cheats. I can understand lapse in judgment, especially in conjunction with alcohol, but concious disregard for a partner just seems so narcacistic. Can anyone shed some light, barring responses like "cuZ Ch3tin iz teh Funz," on cheating as a whole? I'm sure there are hundreds of reasons people cheat, but is there an undermining element to the psyche, the sub-conscious, or personality that makes people prone to cheating?

I agree with your thoughts on not cheating. To me - it is one of the worst offenses that a human being can do to another. As to the definition - one should not engage in any emotional and/or physical activity that will cause harm to their committed siginificant other.

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baddog1 wrote:

I agree with your thoughts on not cheating. To me - it is one of the worst offenses that a human being can do to another. As to the definition - one should not engage in any emotional and/or physical activity that will cause harm to their committed siginificant other.

As defined by whom? Is it cheating if your committed significant other decries that any time you spend with friends, family, or others that does not include him/her is harmful?

I'm not being intentionally obtuse here. I think the definition of cheating is so varied among people that someone can feel they're being cheated on when their partner has no intention of causing harm. The emotional security of the individuals within a relationship would need to be on an equal plane in order for a couple to have an equal definition of 'harm' and 'cheating'.

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JPB wrote:

As defined by whom? Is it cheating if your committed significant other decries that any time you spend with friends, family, or others that does not include him/her is harmful?

I'm not being intentionally obtuse here. I think the definition of cheating is so varied among people that someone can feel they're being cheated on when their partner has no intention of causing harm.

Well, I think that "cheating" means having some kind of stealthy, hidden outside sexual relationship, not necessarily involving intercourse, when you are already in a committed relationship. Thus Bill cheated on Hillary in my book.

If "your committed significant other decrees that any time you spend with friends, family, or others that does not include him/her is harmful", then he or she is pathologically jealous and needs to be dumped, pronto.

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Bill cheated on Hillary in my book too, but apparently not in his own. If so, this is a good example of what I'm talking about.

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oh god sometimes i feel everyone that visits this forum is like 70 and mad because they have only had sex with one person their entire life, or none at all.

If its fun keep at it, marriage nowdays is about providing a stable environment for your kids. People should be mature enough to realise that *gasp* sex is amazing , why hold back?

Look for tasks that take you a while to complete (like shopping) then tell your spouse your going to a new store across town or something, voila you got 3-4 even 5 hours easy!

im glad i never fell into the trap of marriage i would hate to have to lie to someone.

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JPB wrote:

...The emotional security of the individuals within a relationship would need to be on an equal plane in order for a couple to have an equal definition of 'harm' and 'cheating'.

This is the key mindset here JPB! As proven by communication and following action.

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Noddy24 wrote:

Outaideas--

I might be very wrong here, but I suspect you posted here not so much for suggestions for Illicit Nookie Accommodations but to brag about your Mad Passionate Affair.

That kind of post isn't so uncommon here: reveal some kind of significant moral lapse, and then ask for advice on a trivial detail. Sort of like: "I just murdered my spouse and kids. Can anyone recommend a good method for getting blood stains out of a carpet?" The original poster, I figure, wants to get everyone focused on the trivial detail so that our silence might constitute tacit acceptance of the significant moral lapse. So if we help Outaideas find ways for her to fit her illicit assignations into her already busy schedule, well that's almost like we become complicit in her adulterous behavior.

Of course, revealing the significant moral lapse is, in its own way, a cry for help -- or attention. "Look at me! I'm cheating on my husband! Oh, by the way, does anyone know of a sure-fire excuse to get out the house for a couple of hours in the middle of the day?" It's not exactly "stop me before I kill again." More like "stop me if you've heard this one before."

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As usual, I agree with thesmartguyfromchicago. Cool

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I'm in the same boat
It looks like outaideas kind of disappeared from this thread.

All I can say is this. There are no easy answers.

I have found myself in almost exactly the same situation that she is in.

It is easy to pass judgement on someone when you have not experienced what they are going through.

A month ago, I would probably have been moralizing and judging. Now, I am soul-searching.

I hope she comes back and sees this, I'd like to talk to her.

Whatismyname: The reasons people cheat are too numerous to list.

I've been married 10 years and have been with my wife for 16.

18 years ago, I left whom I now refer to as my soul-mate because both she and I were both too young and messed up to be married. I never lost the love I had for her. The one time, early on, I tried to get back with her, she rejected me because her rebound boyfriend was threatening to physically harm me. She thought she was protecting me. I took it as final that we were over.

We kept in touch, superficially, over the years. Both still very much in love, but not knowing we both felt the same. We each straightened up and started our own families, etc.

18 years later, we had a chance to meet. We wanted to see each other for "old times sake" No intentions other than that. She and I and a friend went out.

A hug at the end of the evening sent a tsunami of feeling at us both. Nothing happened that nigh, but as she drove away, I felt my heart ripping out of my chest to follow her. Now we're in this quandry.

A month ago, I could not have cheated on my wife. It would not happen with any other person. But, here I am, this is now.

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Time for the clown to jump into this fray.

I believe it is entirely possible to be "in love" with more than one person. Way back in my younger days, I knew I was in love with someone, but she was a year older and I was a bit shy and so I never acted on it. She married a few years before I did (it has now been 25+ years) and we lost touch for a while, but I never lost the feelings that I had for her. We see each other nowadays periodically and sometimes get together for lunch and I can promise you that I am still in love with her.

BUT, I am also very much in love with my wife. She is the one I married, she is the one I promised to love forever, she is the one who has been there for me through the good and the bad times. Cheat on my wife with an old flame? Nope, it would never happen. No matter what my wife and I are struggling with at home. Just won't happen because I gave her a promise 25 years ago when we both said "I do." And I am a man of my word and my word means a lot to me.

If you would rather be with this other person, at least be a big enough person to tell your spouse and end the marriage first. If you don't, then I hope when she finds out (and more often than not they do) I hope you are taken for everything you own because you are nothing more than dispicable scum.

Was that too strong of an opinion? Or maybe not strong enough? Hmmm....

Welcome to A2K. I'm sure you will both get many opinions here. This is just one clown's opinion.

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Opinions
Actually, Mr. Clown. I don't feel that your opinion is at all too strong.

I don't entirely disagree with it. I pretty much am dispicable scum because I am hiding this relationship from my wife. I respect that you are as committed to your wife as you are.

My situation is that I don't have the kind of love for my wife that I have for my soul-mate. I entered into the marriage for the wrong reasons and stuck with it out of the same sense of duty and obligation that goes along with my "word" and the promise I made.

These things I do not take lightly. I fully realise my word now is worth no more than snot. It is a burden that I will have to bear no matter what happens with this.

Believe me. I will suffer from this. I am aware of that. It is no light matter to me that I have committed something to my wife and am now considering backing out.

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Ah Jake, at least you recognize the gravity of your situation. Sorry if I came on too strong, but my opinion is strong on this type of thing.

So let me ask a question. If you know cheating on your wife would be wrong, why contemplate doing it? Once you know something is wrong, the decision on whether to do it or not should be simple. And if you do see this other person as your "soul-mate", then walk out of the marriage before you start seeing her. Otherwise, you are simply trying to cover your bases by wanting to see where things go with this other woman but still wanting to have your current marriage unaffected in case it doesn't work out. Seems flat out wrong to me.

Have you tried wondering how you would feel if the situation was reversed and your wife was contemplating an affair with her true "soul-mate?"

Anyway, I'm sure it seems to be a hard decision from your perspective. It must be otherwise you would not have opened up your life to a bunch of strangers here. I would urge you to do what is right. In the long run I think you are better off doing the right thing, whether that is sticking with your marriage or leaving you wife to pursue this other woman. But cheating on her is just plain wrong and I hope you are a big enough person to not go down that path.

Take care and good luck. (And don't tell your wife about this site or you may well be found out. :wink: )

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Re: Opinions

jake123 wrote:

My situation is that I don't have the kind of love for my wife that I have for my soul-mate.

You don't know that.

This is probably the single thing that most irritates me about these stories. It's an utterly unfair competition. On the one hand -- real life. Waking up to morning breath, listening to complaints about work when you're not in the mood, bickering about whose turn it is to do some chore. On the other hand -- fantasy. A romanticized memory of youthful romance, barely reconciled with an older but still romanticized cipher.

And the problem is -- I see this so often -- when romanticized cipher is chosen over real-life partner, guess what? Romanticized cipher comes crashing down to earth over time. Then what?

Jake, if you have problems with your wife, work out those problems with your wife. If you can't work out the problems with your wife, separate from your wife. When that is resolved, go get to know cipherwoman a bit better and see what happens.

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Yeah Soz, the old problem of the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence. Until you get to the other side and find out there are bare patches over there also. And weeds you didn't see from your side because the owner hid them well.

I could go on and on with that metaphor.

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You are absolutly correct
sozobe. I don't know what life could be like with the "cipher" I only remember what it was like to be with her before and I know the love that has ached in me all these years.

I could go on back and forth forever here making a case for one direction or the other. I don't expect anyone to accept any justification I would present.

What it comes down to is making the right decision and doing the right thing. This is an entirely new situation to me.

I am in it and I have to live with it. The only thing I know for certain is that someone is going to get hurt. That is unavoidable. That is my fault. That is my burden.

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Re: You are absolutly correct

jake123 wrote:

sozobe. I don't know what life could be like with the "cipher" I only remember what it was like to be with her before and I know the love that has ached in me all these years.

I could go on back and forth forever here making a case for one direction or the other. I don't expect anyone to accept any justification I would present.

What it comes down to is making the right decision and doing the right thing. This is an entirely new situation to me.

I am in it and I have to live with it. The only thing I know for certain is that someone is going to get hurt. That is unavoidable. That is my fault. That is my burden.

jake123:

What you remember about your former mate is not a realistic view of what life w/her would have been like and/or what it would be like now. As sozobe stated - you have idealized her and how you think the relationship would be. I've seen this scenario play out many, many times in my 40+ years and assure you that you are very close to ruining your life. You have no idea the pain you are about to cause and I hope you have no children; for they will also be devastated!

It sounds as though you've already made up your mind. If not - my best suggestion is to ask around (friends, co-workers, etc.) and find a professional counselor who is 'pro-marriage' and be completely forthcoming about your actions & feelings. Good luck.

married and started affair with an old flame....

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