married and started affair with an old flame....

Redpickle--

To my mind Jake is seeking clarity and outaideas wanted approbation. Isn't she the woman who wanted suggestions for places to fornicate?

Yes, that's the difference.

Yet another twist in this whole mess.

"Sally" Sent me an email yesterday morning. She is cutting off all communication with me. She has agreed to attend a weekend marriage program in Madison. So, she said I will not hear from her for a while.

She hasn't stopped divorce proceedings (set to be final in January) but she is very confused, hurting, scared. She is seeking counseling.

As you can imagine, she is experiencing the same turmoil I am. She also has children. Her relationship with her husband has been poor from the beginning, 10 years. This is the second time she's filed for divorce.

Anyway, receiving this news has been a devastating blow to me. I had to take a personal day off work yesterday. After making a cemetery road trip and leaving tears on my friend's headstone, I talked to a couple people and pulled it together.

I have decided to take this time to really work on myself. I need to get myself straight so I can be the father my kids need.

At this point, I am still wanting to leave my marriage. With or without Sally waiting for me. I hope, through counseling, I can find the answers to the screaming questions in my head.

I have asked myself, "If Sally were not in the picture, would I want to work out the marriage?"

Problem is, I cannot take Sally out of the picture. I cannot wrap my head around that hypothetical. I've thought that it would be so "easy" to just throw up my hands and say, "Okay. It's done between Sally and me." and go through the motions of rebuilding the marriage. By "easy" I mean the path of least resistance. Easier on the Kids, easier on my wife, initially, easier on me. But I know that in the long run, I'd be compromising myself. I'd be faking. My heart would not be in it.

So...years of therapy for me.

Jake--

You owe it to your kids to get your head together. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to both your wife and to Sally.

Sanity benefits everyone.

I'm working on it. It is a long, long road. But it's been a long time coming.

Not to "should all over myself", but I should have sought counsel and help many, many years ago. But the fact is, I didn't.

Now I am and the only way to go is forward.

So very true!

I'm a married man but Montana gave me a special massage in the A2K hot tub one time. So don't listen to her.

Not to be a jerk, Cj, but "humor" is not something I can appreciate right now.
I am asking, with all due respect, for you to stay out of this.

Geesh, you win the Mr. Sensitivity award. Excuse me.

Jake--

You're a gentleman.

"Gentleman" may be higher praise than I deserve. But thanks.

Jake --

There's no doubt that you're going through a rough time right now but looking out years ahead or even months ahead in counterproductive. You only get to live life one day at a time and when things are rough that's what you're focus needs to be.

You've made some decisions and are doing a good job of following through with them. The depression will lift, the therapy will help, your life will get redefined in whatever way is best for all concerned. Quit beating yourself up and quit looking backwards. Tomorrow and the day after are what's important now.

Yes. True, today is what I have to deal with and take it one day at a time. Again, forward is the only way to move.

Yup, one day at a time is the only way to go. I find that thinking too far ahead can be counter productive and carries many of headaches.

CJ was just trying to lighten up the situation, so don't be too hard on him ;-)

I remember when my bunny rabbit died, there were a few A2K friends who made jokes that I couldn't appreciate at the time, but after a while I realized that they were just trying to cheer me up, so I agree that there's bad timing for jokes, but CJ meant no harm.

I know. I was just a very raw nerve at the time. I was just asking to be respected for the deep pain I am in.

I've actually been in email contact with the woman who started this thread in the first place.

The whole thing for both of us has become a vehicle to examining ourselves and our relationships.

Jake--

Good for you both.

Time has a way of healing, unfotunately some things take longer.

But you will heal, Jake, and I think it's great that you take the time to evaluate things. Not everyone does and it tends to lead to people making the same mistakes over and over again.

How are you doing, jake?

I'm doing okay.

Things have settled down a lot at home. My wife and I are both in counseling. We may start up couples/marriage counseling after the first of the year.

Neither of us is sure we want to continue being married. But we've agreed I'd stay until after the holidays and birthdays (my boys', twins, birtday is in January) as long as I am not in contact with "Sally", the other woman. Which I haven't been.

Things are no longer about choosing "Sally" over my wife. It's more about what led to the discontent between my wife and I and can we fix it.

We've also got a huge amount of medical debt to deal with.

My wife got a job, though. It's perfect for us. She works 6:00 p.m. to about 10:00p.m. so she can work and not worry about child care expenses. That is helping a lot.

Thanks for asking JPB