Possessive coworker

Forums: Relationships, Life At Work, Friends, Possessive, Jealous
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I have a married coworker of the opposite gender who acts extremely possessive and jealous when I talk to other coworkers. I am married too. When I confronted him about it, he says that he is like that with all his friends. I am his only friend at work and he is generally an introvert.
He has never behaved inappropriately with me. He swears that he loves his wife and buys presents for her. However he also says that does not have an open relationship where they share news and emotions. He limits the information he shares with her. She knows we are friends but not much beyond that. I have confronted him many times saying that his behavior - the jealousy, possessiveness etc is inappropriate and he is trying to change for me. He also tells me that every time I fight with him he gets depressed. All this affects me. When he is normal he is fun to hang out with . I trust him as a friend. My husband knows that we are friends too. I really like hanging out with him but the ups and downs with the moods and confrontation is getting to me. I feel really bad when we fight and I don't see him. When I see him I am happy and after a few days something happens either of us get upset and fight and the cycle repeats- the cause of the fight is the same- he says something that hints that I am not a good friend, or that I prioritize other friends over him etc. Is this pure friendship or is it an emotional affair?I have a great marriage and a wonderful spouse, who knows most of what is happening between me and this married coworker. I am still not able to understand why I put up with this coworker. I really like him and look forward to his texts and our lunches or coffees. Of course most stuff we talk is about work, or random stuff or about our friendship and why it is so messed up. If I cut him off completely I will feel bad for a few weeks but will get over it. This constant cycle of being happy, waiting to spend time together, then fighting and accusations is driving me insane. When I suggest that we stop speaking, he says we are still friends and what has he done that deserves this. Then I feel bad and look at all the positives and then go all over again. If this is just friendship I am willing to overlook this and work it out. If he has things beyond friendship it is probably an emotional affair and he does not know that concept. I don't want him having an emotional affair or falling in love in a strictly platonic sense (which I emphasize because he has been extremely respectful in a physical sense, he says loves his wife and is very careful of his marriage vows). I do not want be part of this in that case. Of course I don't want to be in an emotional affair either. However website definitions of emotional affairs include secrecy from spouses etc. which is not true in my case. However, the waiting to see the other person, waiting for texts and calls and emotional energy outside the marriage exists. What should I do?

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 18,710 • Replies: 172

@coworker,

Something about this bothers me, coworker. Maybe it's just the possessiveness without reason, but I don't see anything to lose by putting some distance between you and he.

Quote:

If I cut him off completely I will feel bad for a few weeks but will get over it.

So that's my suggestion. Get over it. As gently as possible, but soon. If I were actually there, I might feel differently, but I'm not there.

2 Replies

@roger,

I'm with Roger on this. You can put up with that sort of behaviour from a lover, to a certain extent, but the only time you put up with shitty behaviour from a friend is when they're having a real hard time, bereavement, marital breakup etc. It shouldn't be everyday, no matter how much fun they are.

1 Reply

@coworker,

It sounds as if there is chemistry between you, but not of a good kind. You are both engaging in an elaborate ritual of courtship - made all the more exciting by the fact that you are both married. It can't lead anywhere good - look how it's messing with your mind already! Get out of it - fast!

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@vonny,

I agree with all the replies, especially vonny's.

I'll add that the fellow needs to fix himself with or without fixing his marriage, by getting counseling - and not counseling from you, but a professional. You need to back off, for his own good as it's only fostering this stuff, but also for your own good, as vonny said.

1 Reply

@coworker,

I agree with the others here...but I would add that I think the major problem is NOT with the coworker...

...but with you.

I think if someone else had written your letter...and you had read it...you would agree with me.

There is a "mating ritual" in play here...and you are playing your part. You shouldn't be...not if all the other information is truthful. Not sure what your husband is thinking, but surely he must recognize that this situation is over-the-top.

1 Reply

You are giving mixed messages to this guy.

Why are you "en joying" his texts and attention, then push him away?

He is becoming unhealthily attached to you and you are encouraging it.

Change jobs or departments. This is not going to end well.

1 Reply

@roger,

Thank you Roger. I am trying to not meet everyday as before and reduce the frequency of contact. Now i am limiting it to a week, hopefully it will be a month next time. Given that we work in the same department and there is hiring freeze it is going to be very difficult to move and I can't lose my job.

0 Replies

@izzythepush,

Thank you Izzy! I am trying to not meet everyday as before and reduce the frequency of contact and also limiting texts. Now i am limiting meetings to once a week, hopefully it will be a month next time.

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@vonny,

Vonny, Thank you for your honest response. I appreciate you calling it out. The reason I am asking you this again, is i am not sure about the courtship part because as I mentioned there is no physical intimacy of any kind. Given my commitment to my marriage (and his) I seriously doubt that, but it certainly is messing with my head. Now that I have not met him for 3 days, I am at peace and I can continue to work. I certainly miss him but can do without and in a month I will be fine. The minute he walks in and says something, i will respond and then it escalates. What frustrates me is that all it takes is one text/call/ meeting. Then I am back to square one. Right now I am deciding to talk to him about this and asking him to give me space. Thoughts?

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@coworker,

ever hear of impulse control?

Also, your coworker to my understanding is manipulative and you're allowing it.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Punkey you are right, I enjoy the texts but would like to limit it to being friends. Once it spirals into obsessive behavior I tone it down or confront him. You are correct and it is probably sending mixed messages.

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@ossobuco,

Thank you Ossobuco I will try suggesting it to him

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@Frank Apisa,

Thank you Frank. Appreciate your honest response. I need someone to tell me because I can't think clearly. All information here is truthful. My husband knows he is slightly off and as I mentioned we are becoming family friends. The reason I even posted this here is because I would like for us to remain family friends and good coworkers.

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Thank you Ragman. I was just responding to how one text/ call/ meeting it takes for things to spiral out of control. I agree that this could be manipulative behavior and I need to work on impulse control. Do you have any readings/ websites to help me with this?

1 Reply

@coworker,

Off the top of my head, not that I can think of. If I do, I'll certainly post it here.

Frankly, if it were me.... I'd consider this an issue that I would work on with short-term counseling sessions geared toward resolving that specific issue. I'd see where that would lead me.

1 Reply

@coworker,

You are playing a dangerous game - and I think, consciously or subconsciously, you know it! You present your friendship with this person to your husband in an innocent way, all the while being fully aware that you are engaging in something that - even if not yet physical - is still very sexually exciting. It's giving you a buzz - simple as that! But it has to move on at some stage, and that's when it will stop being fun - who's going to get hurt first, and how badly?

You aren't becoming addicted to this person, you're becoming addicted to the fantasy of this liaison. The very fact that there is nothing physical between you gives you a totally false feeling of security - you're convincing yourself that you aren't being unfaithful to your husband, so aren't doing anything really wrong. But you are. Or you wouldn't be here now, asking for advice..

You certainly need to get out of this unhealthy relationship and concentrate on making your marriage work to the point where you don't need to look outside it for whatever it is you are finding in this man. How you do it is up to you. Good luck.

3 Replies

@vonny,

I have to agree 100% with Vonny's last response to you.

You "enjoy" his text messages, meeting up with him immensely. I think you "enjoy" the fighting as well, as it makes you feel wanted, loved by another man.

I think you need to honestly look at your marriage. It's good that you talk to your husband openly, you obviously talk openly as you do so with this friend as well, but you need to be honest and ask yourself if you are doing so, in denial that you aren't doing anything wrong. Emotionally you are enjoying this, so what is missing in your marriage? That's what you need to focus on.

This guy has already claimed he does not talk to his wife, openly. Yet, he does with you, so what he misses with her, he gets from you. That's kinda using you isn't it? And, you are ok with that?

1 Reply

@vonny,

I agree except I don't know that it is sexually exciting to her (though you may well be on target). It is at least emotionally exciting while maybe low level sexually or not at all, and coworker seems not to listen to stuff about herself yet.

On the other hand, there is a connecting zing going on with a lot of friendships, which is why so many freak if women and men are just friends. I am sure there are a million psych studies about all this. That zing may have some chemistry from one to another, or just one, but not go for it - sort of how the world works, including thinking someone is sympatico immediately.

I've some long time male friends I can talk with - we're clearly not after each other, so while I take it one way, that coworker is going off the deep end, I get her wish to just be friends.
The question to me, is, does she want to rescue him? And then, what is that about. And so on.

I don't think it is about rescue, the poor sap (see Jackie Gleason), which puts me back into Vonny's wavelength.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Thank you Ossobuco, you are on the dot. I want to rescue him and have a peaceful friendship without the drama. But the replies on this forum suggest that it is not easy or worthwhile so I am thinking about it.

1 Reply

Possessive coworker

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