Possessive coworker

It hurts and it is upsetting to hear that - but it is better to be well warned than not anticipate and lose. Thank you for calling it out.
I plan on following found soul's and others advice on this forum focusing on my husband and letting things go with this coworker slowly but surely.

There is a wife at home. He doesn't communicate with, or so he says.. But, I bet he sleeps with her at his will, I bet she cooks for him, cleans, smiles at him. They always make it sound as if "she" doesn't love me, or there is something missing - poor me.

You want to save him. Which means he has given you his woes.

But the reality is, he loves his wife, would never leave her.. But, is getting all that he wants from you, the excitement, frustration of rejection, like a fishing line, sending him out and reeling him back in...

And, when you go to sleep... You want to dream a dream, one that you don't have in reality.

Yet, your husband being the male, is more than likely just going through life, knows he's married feels safe, but there is no laughter, not enough intimacy, no fun... Just marriage.

Whilst you are entering this guys life who is just using you, I mean he's married... He knows he's crossed the boundry himself and doesn't care, you won't tell anyone.. And, he has an agenda... You know that, you are questioning it and fighting it, trying to find a way to make sure YOU don't do it.. You know. Plus he can more than likely explain away to his wife who will cry but stay with him.

Your husband will never, ever, forgive you. Because you have claimed this guy is a friend... You've talked about him to your husband. You've become friends and / or are trying to with this guys wife. That's premeditated and well, full of holes and lies

Concentrating on your marriage is not just the answer hun. It's regaining the laughter, love, intimacy, fun, adventure with him, re-developing a relationship whereby any temptation is no temptation because you couldn't see yourself without your husband by your side, he means too much to you.

Temptation is always there and if something is missing in your life, that's when tha devil gets ya If you let him.

If you loved your husband once, you can again.

Found soul, are you are marital therapist by profession? Your answers are so well thought out. Thank you. It is funny how strangers can help you deal with stuff that your family and friends can't.
This is what I wanted to hear. My biggest fear is because I love my husband.
My husband and I have been married 18 years, and I love him. I cannot imagine life without him. We have been through so much together- no one else can understand that. If I ever hurt him I cannot live with myself. We do things fun things and vacations together and I can share anything and everything with him -he is my best friend- including frustrations with this guy. Of course, as we are all getting busy with work we have had less time with each other. Furthermore, as I have mentioned before he is the only person I have been physically intimate with. That is why when some posts mentioned physical intimacy and affairs I realized I have no clue how to handle this. This post is the first thing I have done without his knowledge. My husband knows when me and this coworker meet for coffee/one on one lunches, he trusts me and I will not let him down. I guess the problem is that I have been so secure in my marriage for so long and know that it is rock solid that I thought nothing could go wrong. But for the past few months I have been going into emotional attachments that could completely go another direction and rock this very marriage that I care about and my kids. Hell No! I will get back at temptation! The temptation probably is the attention that I constantly get from this coworker when my husband and I are busy with our jobs. But as it was mentioned in this post before the buzz will die and someone will get hurt. I will keep this forum posted on how things go and this post I will read every day until I resolve this:)
Thank you

I also wanted to mention that anytime we talk and its uncomfortable he makes it a point to say he loves his wife, and he likes me and we are just friends and why I am making a big deal out of it. I don't know how to call it out to him and tell him my fears without sounding narrow minded about friendships between guys and gals.
So I go back to thinking that may be I am just narrow minded and making a big deal out of nothing. But the posts on this forum suggest that things are amiss and I am not the only one questioning his motives and being narrow minded about just a friendship. And my feelings about the attention as well. So in an odd way that makes me feel better!

Na, just a Witch

18 years is a long time, the bond of friendship would be awesome and when you get the chance to do things together, it reminds you of why you love each other so much.

We are also human. Being with one person all our lives, does invite the question somewhere along the way to some... But, IDK love rules hun.. It just does, the "experience" is exactly that and given you are in a tight marriage in reality, you are right, it's not worth risking, it's a bag of shirt anyway, what if he's only a 1 minute man? Just kidding

Most here would say I think. Fantasies are just that, nothing wrong with having them but keep them where they belong.

Look forward to your up-dates.

Just remember that very little goes by in an office unnoticed. Body language, facial expressions and tone of voice alter ever so slightly and everyone else picks up on the vibrations. Try to deal with him only when you have to, skip the unnecessary texts, etc. If he turns blue, clutches his chest and falls to the floor, call an ambulance, maybe he's having a coronary. If he wants to talk about his wife's short comings, remind him that you think she's great and he's lucky to have her. All reactions to his whining need to be dealt with evenly and unemotionally. Your not his counselor and neither am I, but I have learned that some people ramp up the neediness when they have a receptive ear.

I am not unsympathetic, it feels wonderful to help a buddy but if it stops being helpful and turns into dependency you're going to be emotionally drained by his neediness. Grateful can turn into resentful on a dime. Try to keep it light, and for Gods sake don't volunteer to watch his child or children at your house. I'm betting his wife isn't stupid and if she even catches a whiff of attraction to you from him, she's going to feel used. Bottom line I guess is, don't complicate your life by tring to be everything to everybody. Life gets complicated, save your energy.

After retreading this post, I come off a little judgemental. That wasn't my intent, just understand that I've put myself into situations with the best intentions just to get the life sucked out of me. Please be careful with yourself.

Absolutely glitterbag!. I don't think your post comes across as judgmental and I did not think of the work context on what others are picking up. I have been burned before and this is good warning.

Met him today at work and told him that this can't continue. We will be work friends because it causes me a lot of distress to be personal friends with him. I said we should keep it to work related conversations and group meetings and be coworkers. He was pretty okay with it surprisingly (yay!)
Said he did not realize that it caused me distress and if it is emotionally upsetting to me he respects that and will give me my space.
If this is the new reality then I am relieved. Thank you for all your responses so far!

I know everyone has already said the right things, but my 2 cents. You are in the early stages of an intimate relationship. If you don't want it to blossom, you need to back off completely. Become very professional. Avoid situations where there are no other coworkers. If you feel the need, explain why to your friend. (I see you did that. Good.)

There are times in my life where I needed to hear this. The longer you wait, the harder it will become.

You need to make it the new reality. Your behavior is important too.

Well latest updates. As I mentioned that our talk went surprisingly well. But he has started cold silent treatment since yesterday. Given that we are a small company I feel really suffocated and he knows that I can't stand conflict. I asked him directly if he was doing the silent treatment -still no response. Usually he texts or emails me back in a few minutes and no responses to any work related emails since yesterday.
If he were a real "friend" he would have said okay and continued with work related conversation. Isn't it?
As Ragman mentioned this seems manipulative. Need your thoughts and advice on how to deal with silent treatment. We have holiday and family parties coming up in the next few days and I just want to quit my job- but I can't.

I expected his behaviour to follow this path when I posted that he was manipulating you.

This is the time to empower yourself.
It is imperative that you firmly advise him:

"I'm sorry that I have caused you some discomfort but I value your friendship on my terms not yours".

He will try to make you quit your job as punishment for not letting him manipulate you.
Quitting your job is out of the question and will cause you irreparable harm.

Thank you Panzade. Yes you did call it out very clearly too. Uggh! I am going to try and develop a thick shield. Off to the reports. It is so hard to work efficiently when your brain is so messed up

It is difficult but we're here supporting you.

Thank you Panzade! Wouldn't know what I would do without you all because I can't discuss this with my friends/ family:)

The silent treatment he's giving you is a very childish reaction to your words - you're right when you say a real friend would have reacted differently. But at least you are finding out just what a fair-weather friend he is!

It must be very hard for you - but you are doing the right thing. The only thing! If it gets tough, do remember - as panzade says - we are all here for you, ready to listen, advise if possible, and sympathise if necessary.

Try to brazen it out. Don't let him see you looking worried or afraid. Put on a confident front to the world and stand tall. You'll get through this okay. You've had the strength to come this far - you're doing well.

Another reality. This man can't be your friend, he has to be your co-worker just like every one else in the company. You have to stop asking him if he is giving you the silent treatment, let it go. By engaging in this back and forth you are encouraging him. He may have his nose out of joint, but he will get over it. Now, you have to drop it.

<agreeing with Glitterbag>

glitterbag is so right! You can't engage in any sort of dialogue with him other than work related - if you do, you'll give him the opportunity to retaliate, and so it will go on - back and forth - and to what end! You'll finish up even more unhappy and confused. You must sever all forms of communication with him - don't discuss anything with him face-to-face, don't text or e-mail him.

You really do have to get this man out of your mind - he's controlling you even now! But you've made a start towards freeing yourself - please go through with it!

He's taken a step away. Let him. You need to understand that your relationship with him is going to change. What everyone is trying to say is, you can't have both a close friendship with guy and not have the emotional problems you have brought up. What he's showing is that if he can't have the closeness, you can't have it either. You need to accept that. I realize this is very difficult. Usually, in a breakup you don't have to relate with the other person. This is why relationships at work are so hard, and advisable to avoid. I hope I'm not over the line here, there's a lot I don't know. Maybe it's time to look for a job?

I'm not a professional counselor. This is hard.

If he's hurting your work, tell him that. Be professional, not personal. He can't ignore work related emails. He'll loosen up in time.