Possessive coworker

If you seriously, sit back and ask yourself "how you feel" over this "cold" silent treatment, I would have just thought silent, you will note that this deliberate tactic is only making him smile on the inside... "She doesn't like it".. ha.. In his eyes, this is making you want him more... Others used one word for this.. But I wanted to break it down so you can visualise this..

You already know he's not a friend. He's false, with intentions and they are yet again working.

I agree with others, don't quit your job, stand tall, be assertive, mentally try to focus on other things, if he doesn't reply, work it out with someone else, or work out the answer yourself or leave it with him if you are directing him work wise for something.

Yes. It will get easier over time as you find the right role.

I agree that leaving the job is a last resort.

thank you IRFrank, Panzade, Vonny, Glitterbag and Foundsoul!
Weekend gave me the much needed break I needed to deal with this. Had a great time with family and realized how much I don't need this additional stress in my life.
However as of Sat evening the cold treatment has stopped from him. First got a text regarding work related issue that I did not respond to. He said that he got something done that he was supposed to - so great. Did not acknowledge that.
Got a general call yesterday from him to my home number from his home number with his wife etc. present checking on how I was doing and how the family was doing and to coordinate some family get together plans. Apparently they all wanted to talk to coordinate menus etc. Very above board and he had a very cheery upbeat voice. I declined to pick up the call and sent a short note from work email saying thanks for call -all is well and we can coordinate later. The problem is as I have mentioned before given that we are a small company there are lots of weekend potlucks/ get together etc and given the holiday season coming up it is going to get tricky. Given that it is a company with very few people it is hard to not show up to these events with family without seeming uninvolved and inviting questions from other friends/coworkers.

Today back to work, hoping and praying that he does not send me any messages to meet to coordinate/discuss reports. There is an event coming up this weekend that involves families, and if it is humanely possible to not see him this whole week that will be so awesome! My take is he is trying to stick to I am giving you the space you need, which is great. Except I am not sure that he is going to stick to it. I have not texted or called and emailing only work related stuff from my work email.

Why do you feel so pressured about these "family gatherings and holiday dinners" that you feel that you MUST attend? Just have other plans that night/day.

Are you strong enough to feel that you are in control of this "relationship"? You seem to revolve around HIS feelings, even going so far as to ask if he is giving you the silent treatment when it was YOU who wanted less contact.

Be sure your actions match what you say.

I've never worked anywhere that required family interaction, and one place had five employees. I sometimes went to dinner with the boss and his wife, they both worked there. As I said before, be professional, not personal. In time you both will find new roles. As others have said, be strong. Sounds like you are on a good path.

Thank you Punkey and IRFrank. Our company was started by friends who had families and the tradition is continuing Sigh.
I am the first few employees hired into it and have traditionally taken the initiative to do these things- may be after I meet my commitments for this holiday season I can hand over others in charge. That is why I can't not show up. In any case today has been good so far with zero contact. Thank you all for supporting me through this. When i feel down or question myself, I re-read all your posts and I keep going. It has been a productive day as well!

Good news is that my no contact is working well today.

What we are doing is very limited work related conversations.
He stopped by yesterday to say hello (which I said was not needed the last time we spoke ) and asked why I did not respond to a text over the weekend. I said that given that we are on these new terms I am limiting my texts and unnecessary personal interactions. Work/ gathering conversations that are a must are okay. He said okay and he was working from home today. No texts/emails at all.
It is getting better and one of my coworkers commented that I looked very happy today:D I guess I needed the break!

It's been a week. How are things going?

Hi IRAFRANK
Thank you for checking in!
The NC (no contact) has been going pretty good. He has been respecting the boundaries. When I send a professional email or run into each other in company meetings it has been civil and pleasant- but more like an acquaintance or someone I met yesterday than a coworker. I am feeling more relieved, free and happy - a couple of people commented on why I look happier!
The reality is I am happy. Sometimes I do miss the banter and talking about common interests. I don't miss the drama and strongly believe that cocktail conversations are not worth the drama that ensues and in a weak moment when I think of forwarding a random thing- I stop- look at my old emails that contained all the drama- and it serves as a very effective STOP mechanism:D
Now the oncoming international trip in the next few weeks doesn't seem so daunting!

That's great. It's easy to get confused or forget about where the line is between professional and personal. Believe me, you are not alone. Glad you found a good direction in time.

Sounds like your effort to be purely professional in the relationship are really paying off for you. Congratulations.

It takes a strong and determined person to find the weak links and strengthen that position to not be put back into it. Well done.

Stay strong - you are doing really well. You're handling the whole situation comfortably now - congratulations.

Lovely to hear that you are feeling happier - too many dramas in one's life can be very exhausting. Given long enough, they make your nerves raw and wear you down.

Don't forget - there is always someone here for you if you feel your resolve threatened, or you're feeling low. It always helps to talk ...

Hello IRA Frank, ehBeth, Vonny and Foundsoul,
Like I said my life is going really well and happy and stable.

I slipped up today and feel crappy about it but I redeemed myself (a little bit). Today we had a long company meeting that went on for hours and I was sitting with another coworker. Towards the end of the meeting he made a long eye contact (i looked away after I realized that I was looking back) that seemed to convey that he was still fond of me the uncomfortable situation was completely my fault. The look felt extremely uncomfortable, my stomach was churning and when I came back to my room I wanted to throw up and cry. I left after the meeting was over to go to my room.

Stupid Stupid me- I felt so guilty that I texted him to check if I could come by to say hello- nothing more, then realized that I was going to old patterns and then sent a second text-saying I am sorry that I was slipping into old habits and I sent the text by mistake so please ignore my first text. He did not respond to either which is great.

I am so disappointed in myself. The problem is I want to fix things and don't want to feel guilty! What the hell is wrong with me? If he had behaved normally and said hello I would not have texted him. The relationship was so perfect. But if I go by the theory of manipulative behavior this is probably exactly what he would have wanted.

Why the hell am I so stupid? I am so angry with myself and I was so proud of myself until now.

Also realized that my one week of hard efforts every damn thing I did is such a waste of time! I should have re-read all the drama emails and I would have stopped I know that for sure. I was so caught up in my emotions that I did not think.

You are not stupid. This is perfectly normal. You should have realized the best thing to do was forget the eye contact thing as soon as it happened. It is so easy to read things into situations. Sounds like it got nipped in the bud anyway. No harm done. You just acted in a normal human manner. When you feel yourself acting in a confusing or emotional manner, stop and think before taking any action. You'll be surprised how often you realize it is best to not do anything.

Don't make a big deal out of this. Just let it go and move on.

I call it maintaining an awareness of the motivation of your actions. It is a learned skill.

You are fine and most definitely not stupid. You just got caught up in the drama.

You haven't wasted your time - life is often a sequence of two steps forward, one step back. Just resolve to be stronger next time. You've been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for quite a while- not easy to change things overnight - just shrug it off and resolve to be stronger if anything like this happens again. It will get easier with practice!

Thank you IRFrank and Vonny
I feel much better today and yes in the future I will anticipate this and read all posts and old emails if I feel like responding emotionally or to the drama!
Thank you for your support and understanding.

Glad you are feeling a lot better today. Don't forget - there is always someone here to listen - and sometimes to offer advice!

Good luck - stay positive, you are doing well.

How are things going now? You haven't posted for a few days. I hope you aren't having problems.