Possessive coworker

Hi Found soul
Honestly, while the idea of being "loved" by another man creeps me out, you are right emotionally I am enjoying the highs -but not the lows. You are also right that he is probably getting from me what he does not from her which is also wrong and no I am not okay with that.

Thank you Vonny. I am very worried about who is going to get hurt first. It is emotional not physical but even that is worrisome in and of itself. My husband is the only person i have ever been with so the physical part with another person creeps me out. But I am thankful for you calling out this as an unhealthy relationship and moving on. As a first step I am reducing the frequency of my contact.

Rescuing someone is to be admired in a way, only can we? Especially, if they are married and so are we.

Then there is the zillions of attempts of "rescuing" someone, attempting to, falling in love with them, finding out that they can not be rescued because they can not change, "unless they want to", and so, all these women leave broken hearted after years of "trying".

What do you want to rescue him from?

If you feel a sense of high, a rush, emotionally, then why not volunteer for a cause that "helps" people and get that emotional high.. There will be lows there too, but I suspect you can handle that, just not this situation as I said, if you are lapping this up, hating the lows, then you are not totally fulfilled in your current marriage and need to work on that.

Also, he stated that "he" doesn't communicate with her, not the other way around, imagine how she feels? What she goes through? Probably very simular, but with more lows. SEND him back to her, to create those highs with her, then you are doing something right.. And, take what you feel from this and work that into your marriage, then you are doubling up on the rights.

If your husband is the only one physically you have been with, often friendship takes over.. Re-ignite your spark ..

The thing is, and so many of us have individually learned this, charity is good, and fixing someone can be enveloping. Essentially, people fix themselves.

LOVE your answer! I will work this out in my marriage and look for other emotional causes. His wife and I also have just become friends so I am going to offer babysitting so that they can talk more:)

so true! Thank you for helping me clear my head

Oh, and by the way, welcome here at a2k.
I used to say that to people all the time, but they tended, over the years, to be selling something or other.

Babysitting for his wife? That doesn't sound a good idea. What's happened to severing ties with him? And becoming friends with his wife - wow, that all sounds a bit worrying. But Found Soul is far better than I am at counselling in these matters - and Ossobuco has great wisdom - please be guided by them.

Oh sorry to confuse you Vonny. We are a small company so I can't completely avoid contact. And any complete shutdown will be very awkward. The way out and severing ties is to reduce individual conversations and lunches with this guy and maintain it with group/ family talks.

There are for sure dangers by entering someone's home, that you have an emotional connection with. You will find yourself curious, going through their stuff, won't be able to help yourself, looking at their photos, bonding with their child (his child)....

In my opinion, this is how it works. From here on end, the (4) of you, and only the (4) of you get together from time to time and become (Couple) friends, this friendship is not natural and you understand that... You're excitement over it all is putting you in denial of the reality of it all.

If you LOVE my answer. Focus on your husband and a re-connection, emotional bond, dating again, laughing again, being more than friends and in that, respect your marriage and follow the above..

Plenty of opportunities to "help" people in this World, you are restricting it to one person and trying to tie in his partner, and one that you have an emotional connection for so much, that you are not prepared to lose him so you are finding ways around it, that "sound" ok...

Why are you worrying about being hurt? This is a guy at work, which brings up other questions.

Agreed! I meant babysitting his kid in my house but I don't want to bond with his child:)
I will be focusing on my husband and slowly move away into back to being coworkers. Like you said I don't want to get more involved than I already am.
The good news is that if I cut off contact I feel bad for a few days but I am over it soon enough so that should not be difficult to do. Thank you foundsoul. I will be back in a few days with what I accomplished:D

I was worried about being hurt when reading the answers-1) if I get emotionally involved and bad things result interfering with my marriage or his or 2) if he is manipulating me, or 3) if I get invested in the friendship that I am not able to let go regardless of consequences or 4) if this is an addictive pattern that I am developing. I am worried about the future. Right now I have things in control. When I look at the internet and look at definition of things ranging from emotional affairs to borderline personality disorder (him) everything seems to apply. My job is stressful enough without these complications. I tend to get burned out with others' emotional issues (one of the main reasons I did not go into counseling) and highly empathic. I am not sure if I explained enough but these are my issues

Hey, I'm opinionated. Some times I've great wisdom and sometimes I'm an idiot, cause of alarm.

In this case I think there is need for a lot of talking to happen.

Also foundsoul, there is wisdom in what you say about us 4 being friends and it not being a natural friendship. This just struck me. He is awkward around me when his wife is around, which I find odd and i have confronted him about it. He is quieter and makes very little conversation and when i attempt to talk to him he gives pointed answers. That bothers me very much and I asked him. I said we don't talk things that are secretive/ private why do you act differently with me when your wife and others are around- he said that is his personality. He cant speak to me the same way when others (even other colleagues) are around as he can when we are one on one. And when others are around he is more formal. This double face drives me nuts because I speak to him the same way regardless of who is around. I also asked him if he shares our texts with his wife. He says she is super possessive so he does not. My husband has access to my phone and he can read whatever he wants so I find that weird about their marriage- but each to his own. In short, the couples thing might make me more mad at him because I know that he is acting odd. So yeah the couples thing is not going to work

Most of us posting here are real, with real foibles of our own. Most advice is well meant.

I know and I have had so much support since I posted this. Thank you for your understanding and responses!

If the couples thing isn't going to work, then your invested time with him is already at a dangerous level.

Friends, don't care about how someone acts around other people, they try to help them jump over that hurdle, as a friend.

If he's manipulating you
If it's interfering with your marriage
If you are not able to let to
If it's an addictive pattern

If it's lust
If it's an emotional affair
If it's something missing in your life
If you are playing with fire

Nice poem:)
I am following your advice and refocusing on my marriage. Couples things can work but it will be awkward and as you mention there are so many people who need assistance and I can do it with others not just him. Right now my focus is to get off this without things getting awkward at work. As I mentioned I will do group things with him and hopefully we can go back to being normal coworkers

Hey, I just thought of something

What if he's become possessive
AND
You've become Obsessive



Ah, you know what? It's natural to miss things in your life and get them from other people, the key is to see that, realise it, and then learn from it, implement it into your life. Whether that's with your husband/partner as you realise, or that who you are with is not the right person and you can not have what you are feeling with them at all, no matter how you try, and so, you move on. It's a wake up ... But please try with your husband first.