Possessive coworker

Hi Vonny
Thank you for checking in!
After that meeting, I met him at a family picnic and things were okay. Basically no conversation beyond a cold hello from him and bye see you later in response to my warm hello. There are highs and lows. As I mentioned I have been sending work emails so it was limited contact instead of no contact but over the weekend and the past couple of days no work related emails either so that is good- although it takes me so much efforts to not initiate contact. I am following my strategy of reading old emails and feel the pain and stop.
To his credit he has not initiated contact at all and has been responding to work emails to the point. So it is good. I am taking it one day at a time and hope that things will get easier as time passes by and the new reality takes over. I am only hoping that this stays and nothing alters the equilibrium.
What baffles me is that how he is able to handle it better than me and how you can be cold with someone after mutually agreeing to be pleasant and polite. But it is what it is. I prefer this to the drama and my mind is relatively at peace. What also worries me is if this temporary from his side a calm before a storm- who knows- and what is the point worrying. I will be happy if he was pleasant and casual. That is not happening now but will hopefully happen in the future. But my ultimate aim is to not let his actions affect me in anyway but i know it will take time to get there....and thank you all for your support. I reread posts from here as well when I feel my resolve weakening.

Hi Coworker
You are still making the mistake of being concerned about his feelings - worrying that he's behaving coldly towards you after agreeing to be pleasant.

It sounds as if he's still managing to manipulate you! Whilst you continue worrying, he's winning!

It isn't easy, I know, but you are doing well in that you realised that there was a problem in the first place, and sought help from people on this forum - please take heed of them, and ignore his machinations. That's the only way you are going to feel comfortable working there!

Don't let your resolve weaken further.

Hi Vonny
You are right. I'm working hard. I will keep this forum and you posted on the developments.

I need to reread this thread. Stuff with coworkers goes on all the time, one way or another. What is different about all this is your small community and the bang bang repercussions that are possible.

I admit to confusion that you also do weekends as friends. I take it a 24/7 type familial work group?

Some fair percentage of posters here in relationship threads are talking about their coworker possible romances or actual ones. In my day the warning phrase was "don't **** where you eat".
Nobody taught any of us that in school.
Or maybe they are now.

I have a friend who worked with a giant corporation, not allowed to associate (or whatever phrase), fooled around with the sales guy anyway, and now they have been married somewhere around forty years.

I had a notable to me romance, but on the other hand I wasn't married yet. I get the impulse.

At first on this thread I took it that you really like the guy but he's an up and down nut case re you and you want to divest since you work in this 24/7 unusual small town environment.

But now I get that you have to wean yourself from his attention or lack of attention, how it is somehow hard, he must be quite dear.

My immediate thought is that you are too young to be married, but I think that about a lot of couples, and some portion of those work out.

Summarizing, I think you need a talk with yourself.

Update: My coworker came by yesterday to say he does not want to follow no contact / limited contact anymore. He will be less in touch with me but needs the leeway to talk to me! Here is the series of contradictions: He said he does not miss talking to me and can do without. Then he says but he wants to not follow no contact and wants to talk. If he can do without talking then whey does he want to talk?! He says I can do whatever i want and he has no expectations of me that I would initiate or keep in touch. I have not talked or texted him since this conversation.

Good news is that the no contact has been helpful to me in not getting stressed or react to this. I am just puzzled, not emotionally stressed or disturbed. It has taken me so much behavioral modification to not text call or send unnecessary emails and i am doing good. Again I am proud that previously I would have been all upset and disturbed now I am just puzzled.

Just wanted to keep the forum posted. Why would someone say its okay to not talk, then follow NC, then say it is okay to not talk and then say I am not going to follow NC?

I also realize that I can only change my behavior/ reactions not his or what he does or does not do is immaterial.

You've finally realised that it's up to you to change the way you've been going about things - well done! Never easy to face up to a situation like this, but by stating that you know it's up to you, and that you can't do anything about what he does or doesn't do, you're halfway there. What you are still doing wrong is to be concerned in any way about his behaviour!

If you want to take the necessary steps towards a final solution, then you have to stop caring about why he does anything at all. So he doesn't want to talk, so he does want to talk, so he does or doesn't do anything - your attitude should be SO WHAT! Stop thinking about him - try to wipe him out of your mind and your consciousness. He's still trying to play mind games with you - why wait until he gets bored, just blank him out of your consciousness - you'll feel great!

That about wraps it all up. Good luck

Thank you Vonny a and Panzade. That's my ultimate aim. Once I succeed I'll be shouting from rooftops:)

You'll do it - you're stronger than you think!

Keep us posted.

You also can't expect to understand his thought process.

I don't know that you can put him out of your thoughts completely, since you do work together. Just remember the 'Be professional' part.

I've lived in one small town, and liked it, but maybe not as small as yours.

The whole thing of having fun together with who you work with on weekends creeps me out.

I see you as in some kind of paneled capsule. I don't mean that as insulting, as it may be a primary function of how the world works, but I'd need to leave.

Is it important or interesting why he plays games?

Nahhhhhhhhh

It is awesome that you're really getting that you can only manage your own behaviours - and you're doing a great job of it.

Eventually he'll just be annoying or boring to you. It'll get there.

Why? What "person" likes to loose? I think we are all proud of you too

Thank you Foundsoul, IRFrank, Ossobuco and Ehbeth.

Wish me good luck and send me positive vibes for my work trip starting tomorrow for 2 weeks with him. Your support and NC will help get through it just fine. Whether I post or not I will be re-reading your posts.

Good luck with your trip. I hope it goes very well for you.

Don't let him psyche you out - just try to keep everything on a pleasant but professional basis and you'll be okay. Do try NOT to worry about what he is or isn't thinking - don't question his motives for saying, or failing to say, something to you.

Just relax and remember that you aren't alone. You have a whole online community here behind you!

Thank you very much Vonny! I will stop with the psychoanalysis:)

What is wonderful about this journey of letting go of this relationship for me is - the help that I am receiving from strangers in an online community - whom I will never probably meet is helping me get through this difficult issue in my life. I thank you and everyone else for that.

Glad to be of help - hope it goes well for you from now on.

What she said

Plus, in addition a whole lot of people with you there, by your side as well.

I hope that your work trip is successful and that it is as enjoyable as possible.

I used to like travelling for work for the pampering I could do in the evenings. I used to plan mini-spa nights for myself - give myself facials, manicures, pedicures, do fancy treatments on my hair. I always made a point of having really nice pj/robe sets for travel so I'd feel fancy (and look stylish if there was a fire alarm). I almost miss it