Well, people who are feeling not tuned in to their marriage and are attracted to a life on their own aren't usually going to be charmed back by many protestations of love, six months of I love yous. It would only be smothering to them, unless they themselves feel love back. That can happen sometimes, but it happens when people are communicating a lot.
I am one who is saying I don't know exactly what the wife has done. She told you, I don't remember the words, that she didn't feel romantic about this work fellow. That might have been a fib, but I don't know that. Or it might not have been a fib then, but have changed since. We don't know anything at all about how he feels about her. What we can be near sure of is that she feels he is an interesting person that she doesn't want to be told not to see. Your heartbreaking interpretations of her actions may be correct, or not.
I surmise you have become less interesting to her, representing more of a trap.
It may be that the fellow listens to her as a peer, a friend, instead of as a dominant near paternal figure.
I do gather, as I said before, that your wife is - apparently - fairly spoiled, immature, and has a tendency to self destructive behavior (the drinking in the garage all night.) And, further, that hurting you is not bothering her right now.
(See a lawyer......)
ossobuco wrote:...And, further, that hurting you is not bothering her right now.
(See a lawyer......)
Amen! If hurting you this way doesn't bother her now, I can just imagine how cold-hearted she will be when it comes to division of assets!
(Talk to a lawyer fast...and be sure you get a good one!)
I hate to be the one to say this, I really do, but nobody really knows what another person is capable of until they divorce them. It's a real eye-opener. Once someone gives up on the relationship, there are no longer any boundaries. Prepare yourself, vstrong.
(Did I say "get a lawyer?")
Oh...one question. Do you live in a "community property" state? If so, she may be able to claim half your assets.
(Get a lawyer.)
vstrong, I agree with Phoenix that her parents have done a disservice to you in their attempts to help. As you said yesterday, they were doing this for themselves as something they felt they needed to do. I repeat - this was for them and it was a disservice to you (and perhaps to their daughter). A marriage is hard enough when it involves two people. When it becomes a triangle it's very difficult to recover, but when it's nearly impossible when it becomes a circus.
Regardless of the outcome of this weekend's events, I think you and your wife would do well by a legal separation which might, or might not, ultimately lead to divorce. Her continuing presence in the house is not going to give either of you the time you need to put the current situation in any kind of perspective.
January 30th is a long time to be living with your current stress load. Before you assign any arbitrary dates you should...... see a lawyer.
Vstrange--
While it must be balm for your wounded spirit to have your wife's parents solidly on your side, I feel sorry for your wife.
Obviously she was raised with the House Rule: Our Way or the Highway. Instead of having healthy rebellion as a teenager, she married you (perhaps in part to get away from strict and restrictive rules) and now she's rebelling against her marriage vows.
At least there are no children involved--except for the Rebellious Child Wife.
I assume that the January 30 deadline applies to your wife, her pets and her possessions? Is she likely to honor this deadline or would she be prone to being too busy or too depressed or too, too whatever to find an apartment (that accepts animals) and come up with the security deposit and first month's rent?
Does she have a habit of ignoring deadlines? She's not going to change just because she's breaking your heart.
When you talk to your lawyer this week, find out what your options are.
Ramble all you want to, but take decisive steps to protect yourself legally and emotionally.
Well, this page has covered pretty much everything I was thinking of posting. So in hopes that repetition will be beneficial, I'll limit myself to saying -- see a lawyer before you make any decisions. That includes imposing deadlines.
Well, after her parents left, I basically said I can't live like this anymore. I need you to either try and make this work, or get out. Its not fair to me to have you come and go as you please, continue to see this other man, and not want to be married to me and live here out of convenience. Its killing me not to be loved or be able to love you.
Her answers were not committal as usual, but I got one thing out of it, she feels she has every right to live here and i can not throw her out. So I wont, especially without consulting a lawyer.
I just wish she would come to her senses and see how many people she is stepping on an hurting, when she is not even sure what she wants. She has a history of doing things in hopes of bringing happiness (dog, cats, marriage?, vacations, etc.), so it seems like she is continuously looking for something that is not there.
Also, her parents aren't taking sides, they are trying to save a marriage. Thats it. They believe in the sanctity of marriage and believe once you make that vow, you work things out unless of extreme circumstances.
VS
Well, I just am hoping somehow she comes to the conclusion that I am the best for her and leaving me would be a HUGE mistake I guess.....i don't know. I'm just so hurt.
She has been gone all day and just now found out she is at a bar....
I deserve better....i'm hurtin pretty good right now.
Divorce attorney will be called tomorrow.......
Thanks for the links and advice everyone....
See, you're getting stuff you don't know how to react to ("I don't have to leave") since you haven't called the lawyer. Talking to the lawyer doesn't mean - if you get an ethical one - that you are automatically headed for divorce. A lawyer will apprise you of your rights.
vstrong wrote:
Divorce attorney will be called tomorrow.......
Yaay!
Vstrong, just wanted to let you know I'm reading and wishing you the best.
I know this is very very tough for you. It's so hard to be in a situation that just turns your life upside down, seemingly overnight.
Just remember for today and tomorrow - Calling that lawyer is important, and can help you. It's a lifeline right now, so grab for it!
Focus your concerns on asset protection. The matters of the heart are another matter... and largely are independent from asset division in any good way. Your heart won't feel any better if you get your A$$ reamed on top of it. GET A LAWYER.
vstrong wrote:...she feels she has every right to live here and i can not throw her out...
She really does sound like a spoiled child. You might try explaining to her that if she wants to leave you, she has to...l-e-a-v-e...you.
Bill is right. You'd better watch your ass(ets) with this one.
I agree with Eva and Bill. Anyone who behaves in such an infantile manner as your wife, is liable to do anything, in terms of going after your worldly goods.
*****LAWYER*****
And get one before she does. You don't know what advice her folks gave to her, which, naturally, would be to her advantage. I could tell you some horror stories about what nasty things that spouses have done to one another.
I know - get a lawyer...got that one..
As for yesterday....she never came home last night. Needless to say I slept none and am just a wreck this am. The last I heard from her was at 7 when I asked her to come home and feed her pets to what she said "she will". Now its 7am, no wife. fu**. Hurts so bad. I think we can all put 2 +2 together here. She was with a GF (supposedly), but I think I know whats going on. **Alert** I am not a moron, just confused and heartbroken to the max.
The only asset we have is the house. There is no money in the bank really $19k maybe, and I'm slowly (over the next month and last two weeks) using that to pay off the HELOC we took 2 years ago. I bought the house before we got married and it is solely in my name. Illinois law states that the house is mine as long as her name appears no where on the mortgage......it doesn't.
So....just an update, I'm really hurtin this am obviously. I mean, im 99.5% sure its over, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I still love her...but I think that is fading with each day. i will always "love " her, just not in love with her. You know what I'm sayin......
I know..get a lawyer.
VS
Lets all remember here we have been married 14 months and there is hardly any assets to split up. Really no cash and only the home. So I just need to make sure she cant touch the house.......thats all I care about.
I don't know about that vstrong. Don't know the laws of your land, but I do know more than a few folks who were taken by surprise when they got milked for all they are worth.
Better to lean on the side of caution? I would think so.
