VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

The fact that she said she DID do something now reinforces for me that she hadn't until then. Why lie then (and she said that she hadn't) and tell the truth now?

That can be seen as an excuse, of a sort -- though as always, I don't have enough information to say anything one way or the other, and that was just an "I can see how that could happen" sort of thing -- but how are the other things excuses? They're observations that vstrong has made himself, among other people here.

Strange instincts, Soz. I'd raise my previous offer of 2 to 1 up to 3 to 1 now. She likely admitted it because she wanted to spend the night with her new lover... instead of a quick booty-call. They have mutual friends and he'd have figured it out anyway. Selling innocence after not coming home would be a tall order.

VS, listen to the words of caution regarding sex. Mr. Mid 30's, never been married and doesn't hesitate to sleep with married women has been around plenty.

Also be sure this Lawyer impresses you. A good one is worth a couple extra bucks.

Now that it's over, the sooner you can wish them both the best of luck, the better you will feel. Impress yourself by being the bigger, better man.

Best of luck.... (get lawyer now!)

well, she swears up and down that she did not cheat on me and she went over there and slept on the couch and they just taled...like I'm a fool.

She is out of the house and has until sat. to find a place and take her pets and leave. She threw away her legal rights to stay in the home when she stayed at that mans house Sunday night.

she isn't looking for anything. The lawyer has been contacted and things are in motion.

As for sex, give me a break, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. She cam this am to get the dog and take him to daycare and I wouldn't even see her...i stayed upstairs out of fear I would f'ing kill her.

So, she has until sat to get an apt and get out. I just can't believe in one month I went from happily married to cheated on and getting a divorce. And yes we were happy, both of us. She is a f'ed up mess right now, and has lost everything. Her parents despise her (which will pass with time) and she will always be known at work and in both our families and as adulterer. So....whatver.....

At least I know I can't get any lower and the only way from here is up......

Oh, she said they just talked this time, too?

Really, I have no idea what happened or didn't happen. To respond quickly to O'Bill and snood, I have had a lot of close male friends, sometimes when I was single, sometimes when I was in a relationship. I've been in situations where everyone assumed that something sexual was happening and it wasn't, ever. I've never cheated, and I've often found that men can be very good friends. So I know it's possible. I just don't know (and never have claimed to know) what is going on here.

Meanwhile, I wanted to respond to that but really its immaterial at this point. Early on (last thread, especially), I was responding to vstrong's request for advice on how to stay together. I said at the time that he could only control his own actions, not hers, and if she were here I'd be telling her she was acting like an idiot... but she's not. This pair of threads has moved past that, though. Reconciliation -- for whatever combination of reasons -- does not seem to be possible or even a goal, anymore. So this stuff becomes moot.

Vstrong, that's great that you've contacted a lawyer. Will you be seeing/ speaking to him before Saturday?

I have an appt today to speak with her.....

Ha! When I wrote "him," I thought "er, how sexist," and then decided to leave it anyway. And there ya go...

Great, glad the meeting is happening quickly. Good luck.

Right, I think many of us try to take our cue from the poster. In the beginning he wanted to save his marriage. I felt that he was over-reacting to the situation and she wasn't acting/reacting well either for that to be the goal. His expectations were unrealistic (sorry, vstrong, but I've said that from the beginning), her reactions were of a train speeding out of the station.

Based on how they were each reacting, I wasn't surprised by this outcome either. This thread has more been toward the next step - moving on. When things get ugly, and they probably aren't nearly as ugly as they are going to get, then the focus needs to change to self preservation.

vstrong, I'm glad you're seeing an attorney today. Staying upstairs while your wife is in the house is a good move. Good luck!

It is a good thing that you did not have a confrontation with her. Right now you are too overwrought.

In a way, I am glad that things turned out the way that it did. Up until now, you had allowed her to walk all over you, and all you did was whine and wail about how you loved her.

Actually, it does not really matter whether she slept with the guy or not. She cheated on you emotionally, and treated you in an extremely shabby manner.

I find it interesting that you stayed upstairs because "out of fear I would f'ing kill her." I have been thinking through some of the things that you have said. One was something about you wanting her to respect the marriage until you were divorced, and then you would not care what she did.

Apparently, what you are angry about is that you set the "ground rules", and she did not adhere to them. This goes back to what I had once said about the balance of power. You had the good job. She needed you for her physical existence. You took care of both of you. When she finally got a good job, everything changed. Now she was "feeling her oats", and it went to her head.

I think that the brunt of your anger is the loss of control and power that you had over her.

Good luck with the attorney!

Does anyone besides me think the attorney told him to stay off the internet?

This statement keeps coming back to me as one to be concerned about.

Well, yes, that makes me blink. So does all vstrong's talking with wife in general. I can only presume the attorney will stress some cautions to vstrong.

I'm not about to read all fifteen pages of this thread, but I would like to say how much I enjoyed the title.

It sounds like a question Tonto might ask the Lone Ranger.

"Throw wife out, keemosabe?"

Ah, go ahead and read it, gus. Then you can reference the very first post on the first thread.

Soz, I've had dozens, if not hundreds of co-ed friendships that were falsely assumed to be something more... including some sleepovers. The about face in the home environment coinciding with the new "friendship" is what tips the odds in the destructive favor. No, I'm not "sure" which is why I don't consider the wager a sure thing. She would have to be pretty idiotic to appear so guilty, while maintaining her innocence if she is indeed innocent. It just doesn't figure very well. And what kind of man allows an innocent sleepover with a married woman in the middle of all this? Surely not one looking out for her best interest as a "friend".

I've had some friendships like that, too. Still do. But this is definitely NOT an innocent "friendship." She already admitted to her husband that she has feelings for the guy and isn't interested in her marriage anymore.

I agree with you, Bill. The odds strongly favor a sexual relationship. I think vstrong would be a fool to believe her claims that nothing happened. After all the confrontations she's been through the last few days with vstrong AND with her parents, she may be trying to prevent them from coming down on her even harder. Plus, if she and her lover just started sleeping together (which may be true,) she may not be ready to own up to it yet. Either way, though, I wouldn't believe what she says. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

I'll agree with O'Bill's odds.. but hadn't up to the sleepover. It is hard to get a read on her. If that had been me at a certain time in my life, I might not be having sex with the guy, even given the situation, so I leave room that she didn't. That scenario is increasingly unlikely, even to me.

Alternately, I might have, if I was the me of another time. Though, that's not quite true as I didn't go there when married.. but when not married.
But by now she seems to have looked for a) comfort, b) rebellion c) whatever.

We are all missing Wife's point of view. Not so important for us, but it is for vstrong. Ahem - communication, missing early, is now something I worry about for legal reasons..

both should have legal protection, however my sympathies go, which are towards vstrong.

Eva, she also seems to have said she didn't feel romantically for him - early on.

I have feelings for a lot of people as I suppose do the rest of us.


And I'm really glad I do. Feelings of connection, some attraction, some slap upside the head, some joy. So tfwhat?

Do we want to drain all those natural feelings from our lives? Well, nemmee.

Commitment does matter. And I can somewhat make room that people have agreements that make them stay together with liasons. Carlo Ponti and Sophia Loren, for example.... though I don't pretend to cypher that.

Having feelings and acting them out are different ballparks - to me.

But, ahhh, not always.

Obviously even I vote that I'm something like 8:1 wrong, off base, in even mentioning that the wife is not by virtue of various meetings some kind of sinner of the world.

well..i sought legal advice..she really isn't entitled to crap...so no worried there.

As for the whole deal, I kicked out Monday, she stayed at a freinds house (verified) and has not spoken to the guy since he is supposedly deathly afraid of me. Whatever.

I told her Monday she has until Sat. to get her shtuff and get out.

She came over last night to lay claims top what was hers so there would be no problems sat.

She came in the door, sat on the couch and cried and said "I'm sorry". Now at this point, I am so emotionally numb, i just hug her and tell her that everything will be ok (again, what anger I have). I reassure her that no matter what happens, everything will work out in the end. I then asked her if she is ready to start with a pen and paper and start marking things she wants to take...which led to more crying. All this time I am sitting right next to her with my arm around her, gently rubbing her back, trying to comfort her...hell, i still love her...im sad, i know.

So, we talk about us for the next hour and she says that she doesn't know what to do. Leave me and regret it, or stay with me and regret it. I tell her that I can not predict the future, but could only tell her that I have received a fair share of counseling to deal with all my issues and that I would never take her for granted again. i even told her that her just sitting her besides me made me the happiest man in the world.

So, we ate some food and watched some TV (which we normally do when things were good) and talked again later. She just doesn't know what she wants, but I can't sit her like an emotional toy for her. So, she fell asleep on the couch, woke up around 2am and I put her to bed. She said I could sleep in the bed with her, but I chose the couch.

Some of you are probably thinking of nuts, but I truly love this girl and her behavior the last month is really not her. Now, that being said, whose to say it wont happen again in 1 month or 5 years (her acting this way). She never once said she wanted to be back with me, but I made it clear that I would forgive her and that we all make mistakes and we could work through it. She said that I pushed her so far and she just couldn't take it anymore.

So I'm a fool if I let her back in my life or fool if i don't? i miss and love her still dearly, despite my comments to the contrary immediately following the infidelity. she still swears on her grandmothers grave nothing happened...but emotional cheating and staying at another mans house is unacceptable.

love and peace-
VS

Well, I can't live your life for you. But I CAN give you the benefit of my fifty years of experience in this life and tell you-- from the perspective of "been there, done that"-- what I would do. You are emotionally vulnerable right now. Maybe she's playing on that, maybe she's not, but the end result is the same. She seems to want back, you want to let her back.

I advise you to take some serious thought before doing so. Thought that doesn't involve her crying in the next room while you look at boxes of labeled crap that now are the sum total of your lives together. I'm talking serious reflection in the peace that only solitude can bring. Ask yourself this-- what is it about me that wants to give her another chance to hurt me?

If it were me, I'd let her go, get some intensive counseling, and move on. If you want to check back in on her in 6 months or so, maybe when you're a little more steady in your emotions, then do so. But frankly I wouldn't let a cheater back into my life.