VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

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Hi...

Well since I initially posted this thread http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=88785
about my wife about to leave, well things have gone from bad to worse.

Brief overview: I'm 30, married (for now) and my wife 26. We've been together 8 years. She recently told me she isn't happy, isn't in-love with me anymore and that she has feelings for another man at work. We saw a counselor last Sat., and I asked her to please cut off social communication with this man, which she said she would. Well she hasn't. She even went to his house very briefly Friday night (from 7-8pm). She was with her friends the rest of the night.

I bought our house before we are married and according to the laws of this state, she has no legal right to this. I have been advised by everyone on here to get a divorce lawyer, which I haven't done yet, but plan to soon.

I still love her immensely and care for her deeply, even through all this. It is evident though, that this is 95% over.

She told me Friday that she was going out with her friends, but would spend Sat, Sun, and Mon. night with me. Well Sat she left to go out to eat with her girlfriend, Sunday she stayed with me (NY Eve), but we barely spoke. At 11:30pm she said she was leaving, but she had been drinking, so I took her keys. She was well beyond drunk. So she spent the majority of that night in the garage smoking and drinking and away from me. I begged her to be with me to ring in the NY, but she didn't. I cried my way into 2007 (sad, I know) Monday night she went out to dinner again with her girlfriend. I know she was with her girlfriend as we have the same friend (verified).

The sad thing is, the 4 days she spent away from work, I started seeing glimpses of my wife again. Subtle holding of hands, going out together, enjoying each others company, laying on the couch watching movies, etc. But the minute she went back to work, it was like I didn't exist again.

I don't want this to get ugly, but I think kicking her out would be a wake up call for her, but I'm not sure I would or should ever take her back. Do I say "Are we going to try to make this work?" If her answer is no do i say "you need to leave?"

I can't continue to be tortured by this anymore. I keep thinking she is going to find her way and come back to me or at least give me a chance to prove to her I love her and can make her happy. We have so many physical objects and a joint bank account, I can't even imagine splitting all of it up.

My question is, how do I let her live here with all this going on? She is emotionally cheating on me and going to this mans house Friday night was so unacceptable. I asked her why she did and she said "I don't know".

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Big question for you vstrong:

Has she actually said that it's over?

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That is a big question.

I have asked her such things as "Please give me 6 months to see if we can be happy together like we were for the previous 7 years" to which she has said "i don't have it in me" She has not said it is over. She even woke me up this morning to kiss me goodbye and say she loves me. But I'm totally being walked all over here.

Another point on my wife: She has gotten anything and everything she has ever wanted her whole life. Her parents gave her cars, limitless credit cards, etc. I have given her everything she has ever wanted as well. She has never had any repercussions for any actions she has ever taken and has basically been living a fantasy life. I on the other hand have had a ton of hardships and had to work for everything I ever got. Nothing was handed to me.

So, I think 50% of it is this other man, and the other 50% of this is her wanting to make a life of her own. Live on her own. Be on her own, etc. But she is in for a serious wake up call. She is going to have a dog and 2 cats to care for, rent, food, utilities, etc. She makes money, but not enough for the $100 jeans and new pair of shoes every week.

I just don't think I can take it anymore, but I'm so afraid of being alone that I just want her around for that reason. I mean of course I love her (to death o us part), but the thought of being alone every night and sleeping alone and all that is frightening. Yes, sad, I know. But I am a needy person by nature.

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Oh good grief.

Vstrong, from what you said on the other thread I thought it was definitely over. I also thought the visit to the guy's house was a bigger deal. As far as I can tell, it's STILL not clear that she's actually done anything except for some re-assessments.

You just started therapy. You went to one session. You can certainly pre-emptively strike to end the marriage, but you keep saying how much you love her etc., etc., is your pride so important to you that you'd put it ahead of giving things a real chance?

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At any rate, unless you've decided that you're done with her, no matter what, I think the first thing to do is determine where things stand. Maybe just the two of you talking, maybe with a counselor present. No six months or whatever, just, "Is it over or not?" If she says "not," go from there.

If she says it's over and that's that, THEN start thinking about the kicking her out business.

By the way, why did both of your parents give you $40,000 at the same time?

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We went to therapy, yes. But she has said "I don't believe a word that lady says" She hasn't done any of the activities wee were given (I have)

Also, I'm sorry if I am confusing you. I'm confused myself.

As for the $K, it didn't come at the exact same time. My mother received money from a malpractice settlement and wanted to help me out, so my Mom said "Here, go buy you and xxx a house and start your life". So I did. At the time we were living with my Dad.

As for her, she got a $K BMW for graduation. She could of asked for cash, but was being selfish and took the car instead...whatever. I didn't care either way.

I think she is confused and not sure what to do. She doesn't know if it is over or not either. We have counseling scheduled for Saturday, but I don't think she will go. Her heart isn't in it. Its not like she's saying "I want this marriage to work". She is just so confused with what she wants and that she has feeling for another man isn't helping.

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I think it's pretty obvious what you should do and you know it, too. Why not just do it and quit talking all around the mulberry bush about it?

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Tough situation, vstrong. If she leaves and then wants to come back, will you be able to accept that it's because she loves you or will you always wonder if she's back for financial reasons?

If she doesn't leave (for some reason the words "kick her out" bother me), and isn't showing an inclination to work through the issues in your marriage then it's only a short matter of time before things really start to hit the fan.

I'd suggest you tell her you're about to talk to a lawyer and ask her what her plans are for her living arrangements should you separate/divorce. And then you really should go and discuss all of this with a qualified divorce attorney. Do you think she'd go back to live with her parents (assuming they're nearby)?

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Mame wrote:

I think it's pretty obvious what you should do and you know it, too. Why not just do it and quit talking all around the mulberry bush about it?

Because he is afraid to be alone.
Frankly, vstrong, if you are not capable of living by yourself,
there is something very wrong with you, and I suggest you continue
with counseling to find out about yourself and how you can help
yourself to become a stronger, independent person (ironically you've
chosen a moniker that is so not you).

As for your wife, I would talk to her that this current situation is unacceptable to you, and she is either moving out or start getting motivated and work on your marriage. THis will put the ball in her court and you'll
get an answer either way.

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Sure, I don't want to be alone. I don't know many people who do.

"kick her out" - i need to remember that words are everything here, as you all have nothing else to go on. I mean, tell she needs to leave because I can not do this anymore.

Her parents live 6 hours away. So going with them is not an option.

I believe if we separate, I will never be able to take her back knowing that she has "been with" another man. It will always be there.

Thanks for telling me I need help. I know that and have been seeing a therapist for 2 weeks and will continue to. I like to think I enjoy the company of others rather than being by myself. Call it what you want. I enjoy snuggling up with my wife to watch TV and making love and dinner and things like that. Call me crazy!

I'm afraid to tell her to leave, cause I know that will be it. I am holding on to hope that she will wake up as quickly as she fell out of love. Again, call me crazy. But love makes you that way.

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vstrong wrote:

I believe if we separate, I will never be able to take her back knowing that she has "been with" another man. It will always be there.

HAS she been, though? Or do you mean that you're sure that if you separate, she will?

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<pulls out a wad of singles and a map to the nearest nudie bar>

Need change, buddy?

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I have abstained from replying until now frankly because the situation was so sad I didn't know what to say, and also because you were getting so much definite-sounding advice from so many people that Ione more voice would just confuse things.

But a couple of things caught my eye. One -Sozobe asks, "Has she said it's over?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but if my woman is spending time with another man, leaves me to drink alone on New Year's, and is emotionally absent half the time anyway, I say that you don't need to wait for her official pronouncement.

I'm not sure if you are going to counseling together, or if it's just you by yourself, but if she is showing no interest in saving the marriage, you need to make the separation a physical reality before you start to give up something that you can't recover - and I'm not talking about a wife.

You keep asking and agonizing, and she gets to have her cake and eat it whenever she has the whim to throw you a bone? This is unnacceptable.
Show her the door, continue to seek whatever help you need because life will go on with or without you.

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I know what you mean, snood.

Basically, what I said at the beginning still stands this far along... we don't have enough information.

From what has been said I can easily imagine a scenario in which vstrong's wife is confused due to several circumstances (the train of thought that was started when they discussed having a baby, her new job, whatever), and has met this guy who is listening to her as she tries to figure things out, but she hasn't actually had any kind of physical contact with him. Vstrong says he loves her and wants to be with her and in this scenario it's entirely possible that she can get through the confusion stage and with appropriate apologies for acting insensitively, they can continue to be together in a new, more mature way.

If that's a real possibility (I can't tell), I'd hate to tell vstrong to just bury the marriage right now.

But it might also be that she's already made up her mind, if only on the subconscious level, and is stringing him along and making things worse. Maybe she really did do something with that guy when she visited. Maybe she did before that, too. Maybe she's just a total flake and vstrong is better off without her.

I dunno.

Since I don't know which scenario is true, though, (and of course those are just two scenarios out of many, many more possibilities), I get antsy about the whole tough guy thing. It'd be a shame if they have the ability to work things out but vstrong is too proud and too impatient (this whole thing became an issue very recently) to make that happen.

I mean, he's going to hurt no matter what, right? Will he really hurt that much more if this ends in a month rather than tomorrow? My tendency is that, long-term, it's better to be absolutely certain that a good-faith effort was made, even if it comes to naught.

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Yeah, but you would continue living with someone with the tacit understanding that she was seeing someone she was interested in at work?

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Depends somewhat on what "seeing" means, but probably.

As far as we know, "seeing" means just that. I don't think that should be a marriage-ending crime, to have a male platonic friend, even if she thinks she might have feelings for him. I've had plenty of male friends who I've talked to and who have been helpful, where sex was not part of the picture at all.

If that's the case, I don't think he's at all justified in "kicking her out," just for that.

Even if there was some kind of contact, though, they've been together for 8 years. People get over things like this, if they want to. It's not a slam-dunk that I'd consider the relationship over, though I'd take some serious convincing.

But that's me, and we're not talking about me here.

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Well, at least we agree that we'd need some serious convincin'.

The lady in this scenario hasn't shown an iota of interest in convincing anyone of anything.

She'd be out, or I would.

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Well, there's what vstrong is saying and there is what's between the lines. With the kisses in the morning and the rest of it I think it's possible that she is willing to work on this but is trying to get her own head straight and doesn't want to be herded towards a certain conclusion.

Or maybe she's a manipulative bitch.

Again, I dunno.

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Snood, would she be out if she were just *talking* to a guy, no sexual contact at all? That's a major point that hasn't been clarified by vstrong yet. It's not at all clear that she did anything more than talk to this other guy.

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I've heard women pride thmselves on their intuition (that's a popular cliche, anyway). I don't think a man would have to have very much intuition to sniff out if everything wasn't on the strictly "platonic" up-and-up - especially if he'd pointedly asked, and been sandbagged.

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VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

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