VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

I agree with blacksmithn- Get you divorce, and continue with your counselling.You may see things very differently after some time has gone by.

Remember, there are two things that you don't know. One is just how committed is her boyfriend to her? There are many guys who take up with married women simply because they are safe, and they don't have to be worried that the woman will want to marry them. Once she is divorced the balance changes, and the bf may just do a disappearing act.

Second, what your wife may be feeling, may not be necessarily love for you, but the insecurity that a divorce will make in her life.

She started the ball rolling. Let her take it to its final conclusion. She needs to learn that she can't have it both ways.

I am not at all surprised by her sudden turnaround. In fact, I think it is 100% predictable.



She's getting the wake-up call you predicted, vstrong.

Her actions don't mean she loves you and wants to be your wife. They mean she doesn't want to lose her safety net.

Unfortunately, that's not enough to build a marriage on.

Watch out, vstrong. Emotions are running high...yours and hers. Make decisions with your head, not your heart.

Agreeing with the others posting.



I know, you love her.
Love is strange, and sometimes it isn't love but need, in this case from both sides.

Step back.



Or don't, I don't care. But you may, sometime later, regret just going all melty.

Let me clear up ANY misconceptions that anyone may have because of my writing.

She is NOT coming back to me. She merely came over to pick out what she was going to take from the house for her new apt. This led to talking and basically nothing other than her saying "I don't know what to do, I may regret it if I stay with you and I may regret it if I leave".

So that leaves me in no mans land. She said she no longer speaks to this man and I have verified that through mutual friends. Damage done there. She swears no physical cheating, not sure if I believe that...but again..emotional/physical feels same to me....going to take a lot of counseling to get over that.

She is def. using me as a safety net now. There is no doubt about it. While she tries to figure out what to do with her life, I'm supposed to just here and wait. Well, I can't anymore. I'm so emotionally done and physically too. I've lost 20lbs, I'm not feeling good, I'm just a wreck. I just want this to work so bad, but I'm starting to think that if she would do this to me for 4 weeks now, is she worth it and will it happen again?

Since finding out that "our marriage is in trouble" i have gotten counseling for my issues (5 sessions now), pleaded for a second chance, forgave cheating, threw my self-esteem and pride aside, etc, etc. and she still doesn't see that I'm a new man and could lover her and she doesnt know if she can love me back.. I have killed her with kindness and everything.

She is out tonight with her friends and says she doesn't want to come home. She is still not sure what she wants. I asked to come home..she said fine...but I'm betting she wont and then where does that leave everything? me hurt and destroyed AGAIN. I know she is drinking and she is going to be 40 min. away, so i wouldn't want her driving anyway, and I'm sure thats the excuse ill get at 2-3am when she calls me and leaves a message. going to be a looong night here...hopefully i just go to sleep and wake up in the morning and she is there........

That's just so pathetic, I have no other words for it.

I was thinking pathetic too.

vstrong wrote:



...and later in the same post:



If you want to have any self respect left, you will firmly ask her to leave, and begin trying to figure out how you will go on with life. Life will go on with or without you, and right now you're not choosing life.

If you had asked how to get rid of her while leaving her self esteem intact; that's the course I'd recommend. Respect your SELF for the love of good, or why in the world should she? Look back on what I wrote about even footing and acting like a man. Not only are you putting up a false front, but you're doing yourself a disservice on top of it... whether you're hoping to reconcile or not. Repeat after me. I DESERVE BETTER. Repeat it until you believe it and then don't settle until something better presents itself, whether it be her or not. It's entirely possible life's scary unknowns will make her realize how good she had it... and that could be a growing up, rather than greedy thing... but not the way you're behaving. You are reinforcing the idea that what she's doing is OK with your self-defeating, pride obliterating, whimpering and begging. At best, you're inviting her to use you some more. There is nothing attractive nor to fall in love with there.

Conversely; if you start believing in yourself and behaving like you do care about YOU... then she'll be forced to decide if she does too. Try to have the strength to believe and say something like this: I'm sorry, and I do love you, but I don't want to live like this and I won't. Maybe sometime in the future it will be right for us, but NOT NOW.

How'd you get so smart, Bill?!

He's right on the mark, vstrong. Read that post several times.

We can always count on Bill for great words of wisdom. If I were single and 30 years younger...................................

I'm sure it just rubbed off of lovelies like you two. :wink:

Flattery will get you everywhere!

Seriously...that sounded like hard-won wisdom there, Bill. That's the only way any of us have figured it out. Now it's vstrong's turn.

Will your wife let you have your balls back when she finally leaves, or did she label those as her property too?

Sheesh, stop with the agonized teenager bit and move on already. Get more counseling to get to the root of your complete lack of self esteem. Then go find somebody who is worth loving and who will love you just as much.

Well, Bill's post was right on. Couldn't have said it better.

I was a little taken a-back catching up on this thread. The part about her coming home to pick up stuff and she cries to you about not knowing what to do!

We are all different, but I can't imagine my bf (let alone if I was married) hurting me badly and then coming to me for sympathy and help. I would be so furious. He would not be getting a tucking into bed - his ass would be skidding along the street.

I just don't get what is appealing about her right now? As she is right now:
Confused, acting selfishly, cheating in some form or another, snivelling and bratty, crying to the one she hurt, acting childish and inappropriately/disrespectful to her marriage.......etc.

Do you really want to be around that right now.

vstrong, if ever a relationship needed the benefit of time and space it is this one. Bill, and others, have given you some excellent advice. I hope you take it.

5:1 he takes her back.

You may be right. But it would be a terrible mistake, IMO. Then a month from now, she'll pull another thing, and it will be back to square "1" again.

vstrong- You need to find out why you are willing to be treated so shabbily, and want to come back for more. If you don't deal with that, your life will be like a broken record. (Boy, that is dating me. For the young'uns, a broken phonograph record will stick and play the same words over and over again.)

kinda like when the CD skips.



They still have CDs, right?
Do mp3 players skip? (yeah, maybe I'll get one someday)

LOL Phoenix. Do youngsters really not know about records? Date me too.

I'd say 5:1 sounds about right... and I can't definitively say I wouldn't do it either. Love makes you do some pretty stupid things sometimes... which is why I'm advising manning up either way. I most certainly wouldn't volunteer for more of the same... but it's possible the right girl could convince me she learned something from her mistake. You'd have to, at least, invert the odds on me though. :wink:

You, a guy with a block of cheese on your two heads, suggesting someone ELSE man it up? Don't make me laugh!