VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

You have a lovely chapeau this evening, soz.

yep, yep, yep

and yep.

Sorry I didn't answer right away, Snood. Yes, indeedy, emotional intimacy can be aa big violation taking away from the marriage.

We don't know that is happening here.

We - speaking for at least some of us off the cuff - don't expect people to live fifty, say, years together without making emotional or intellectual connections with people of both sexes. Perhaps those of us who are liberal about that are odd ones out, but we're some of the people posting.

I don't think of marriage as prison.

Yet.

Emotional and sexual and intellectual and more... connections vascillate within a long time marriage. Takes some attention...

Snood wrote:



Sozobe wrote:



Well, thinking that no betrayal of the marriage vow has taken place unless there has been physical intimacy is ignorant to me, but that's just me.

As always, Gus, you are the voice of reason. What would we do without you?

I see what you're saying, snood. In the past I've been one of the voices on other threads saying, hey, getting too emotionally involved with someone else IS a significant thing.

It's just that vstrong has seemed to be saying, "the marriage is over, there's nothing to salvage, because she has some sort of interest in another man." It's the overreaction that people are responding to, I think.

If we have a poster saying, "I feel worried because my partner is talking all the time to someone else, but he/she says I'm being ridiculous," then I'd be right there saying the partner needs to understand that it CAN be a big deal, that the worries aren't completely unfounded. But, conversely, if someone says their marriage is over for the same reason, I'd tell them calm down, it's not the end of the world, because although it's significant it's not insurmountable.

It just seems like vstrong has this unrealistic idea that all interest in other people dies when you get married. I don't think that's a very healthy expectation to build a marriage on.

No kidding, cyphercat - isn't that what fantasies are all about? Perfectly normal.

Yes, cyphercat.

This one really doesn't sound too tough, folks. You married an 18 year old kid, who'd been spoiled all her life and continued spoiling her. Then you got busy making dough and didn't pay as much attention as maybe you should have. She got bored and started wondering what another man might be like; and God knows there's always an interesting one available when that happens. Uh, oh. Now it seems she likes one. Time to get to work promising you'llbe the man you always were right? No, probably not.

Let's add this up. Wife does about face in her treatment of you, while admitting feelings for someone else (whom she visited after saying she wouldn't). I'll give you 2 to 1 that what you think happened is exactly what happened and her own feelings of guilt about it are the reason you rung in the New Year by wringing out your tears, alone. Taking someone from kid to wife, without an in between, growing up stage in life, is always a risky proposal. As circumstance would have it, as it so frequently does, she's found herself wondering what her life might have been. The grass is always greener... especially if you've never had to cut it. Now it could be she misses the old you or it could just be that she's evolved into a different woman between 18 and 26. Doesn't sound too far fetched, does it?

Now, 2 to 1 odds aren't all that... and it sure seems like there's enough in the pot to justify the wager... but that may or may not be in your mutual best interest. A curious passion has awakened in your wife and you can't put the **** back in the donkey. Odds are, even if you swallow your pride and wait this one out, it may not be very long before her doubts surface again.

I've known quite a few couples who got together when they were young, split up and got that youthful curiosity out of their system, only to find they were with their soul mate in the first place, got married and appear to be living happily ever after. It happens sometimes. Sometimes people just grow apart, through no one's fault at all. And, nothing hurts more than one-way love and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Were I you, based entirely on what you've said and I trust you've been honest; I'd immediately ask for a separation in the nicest way possible. Tell her you love her but you can't suffer this and moreover, you won't. Tell her you'll help her in any way you can to get her started, and start circling apartment adds in the Newspaper.

Perhaps this will be the splash of cold water that wakes her up, but I wouldn't bet on it. At any rate, you need to start worrying about you. Get strong. Face the fact that you'll soon be living alone and make peace with it. Then, and only then, will you be able to meet her on equal footing... if indeed she seeks it... but at this point; I'd wager your odds will have improved dramatically.

You probably weren't a whiny wuss when she fell in love with you. Odds are pretty good she saw you as a confident self sufficient man as well as a caring one and that combination is what she fell in love with... not the doormat she can walk on with impunity. It's true, most women do like sensitivity, but that doesn't mean they don't want a MAN. Behave like one until it feels natural and meet her on even footing. Then, perhaps, you'll stand a shot at winning her over... but be prepared not to. Sorry, but crying and begging isn't likely to get the job done. Find a way to be content with you... and maybe she will too.

I do wish you the best of luck.

Since you pointed out what it was that was probably getting reacted to, it was a lot clearer to me. It's always hard to make a judgement on a couples' situation without having any firsthand, eyewitness info.

Hi everyone-

well, its 99% over. She says that she is unwilling to give me another chance and that it is not in her heart. That the way i acted the last 6 months have caused her to lose faith in me. I find this complete BS, as you don't give up 8 years and 14 months of marriage because of that. She is infatuated not only with this other man, but the idea of being single and living her own life.

She said last night that she doesn't think I can make her happy anymore and that this is my fault. Fine. Whatever. I asked her "Haven't you already seen a huge change in my?" she said yes. I have been to two therapy sessions and feel different. Not just towards her, but just towards life. So, I guess it comes down to her and her happiness, which I never believe she will ever find. Every relationship has problems, life is never perfect, but she seems to think there is this great fantasyland out there that is passing her by as she "wastes her life" with me.

I haven't kicked her out as she really has nowhere to go. I will let her find an apt. Hopefully soon. She also said she doesn't want anything, but I will secure a lawyer none the less, but I believe her. She can have what is hers, but she knows most everything in this house was purchased with my money as she hasn't had a steady job ever.

I'm beyond hurt, but I am finding peace with the whole thing and moving on. I'm going to get my house straightened up and get it ready for sale and move into a condo in the city and be around my friends and the social scene. It sucks, but what can you do?

She is not happy, doesn't think she can be happy with me and is unwilling to work it out. That = its over. Anyone disagree, I would love to save this, but it seems like she's gone.

thanks

VS

I am really sorry, vstrong, that this has happened. Breaking up is a bitch, and when it comes out of left field like this, it's even worse. I admire your pragmatism and resolve to get on with your life and with you the very best. It IS hard, but it sounds like you're making the best of a bad deal. If she's convinced of what she's saying, you're better off alone.

Again, though, I truly am sorry. And just remember that this is about her, not you.

Sorry, vstrong, I know this isn't a laughing matter, but that was funny.

I agree with your latest assessment. It doesn't sound like she has much interest in working on your marriage. Bill made a number of good points in his post, although I don't agree with all of them. I don't think it's a foregone conclusion that she's become physically involved with the other guy, but given what she's been saying, it's only a matter of when, not if.

I do think much of this comes from her being so young when you got together and never having lived on her own. She may find that it isn't at all what she thought it would be, or she may be just fine. You, however, should pay attention to you. I hope you continue with your counseling and that you are able to put this in proper perspective and resolve.

I too am sorry you're going through this. It's a very difficult process, but you will be alright and you will be able to carry on with your life.

Best wishes, vstrong.

That was a good post, vstrong. I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way that you hoped but you seem to be viewing the situation clearly and pragmatically. Thanks for keeping us updated, and best of luck.

(And thanks for phrasing it so clearly, cyphercat, yes, that's exactly how I see things too.)

Your child-bride expects you to make her happy? As though life is one, neverending birthday party devoted to the day that She Entered The World?

It is all very well for you to give her time and space and a chance for self discovery. I don't see that you need to pay for her room and board and seasonal wardrobe changes while she defines and fine tunes the inner center of her being.

Giving her time and space under your roof is breaking your heart--and your heart is just as important as her heart.

Ask her when she is leaving and if she hasn't made plans for moving out ask her why not.

There are names for women who counterfeit love for financial benefits. These are not flattering names.

I'm deeply hurt, but I can't make her love me. There is no yelling, arguing, just me trying to get out of hr what the real problem is here and I think what I outlined above is the real deal.

Its so odd though, because I really know her and over the last 3-4 weeks, I can say I honestly don't. I don't know what that means, but something has awoken in her or taken control of her, cause she really is a woman with an unbelievable heart, is so caring for others and I would never expect a person of her character to do this. Its just not her....crazy!

I'm working hard everyday to achieve peace within myself. Its hard, but after 2 weeks of crying and asking "why me", I need to get a frickin grip.

I come from a broken family, so I made good and sure this was the one. I even waited 2-3 years to pop the question to her, even though she was begging me to early, simply for this reason. Are you sure you are ready to give up your single life for a life with me. A team, as I like to call it.

She has now says that this is all my fault and that she cant ever see herself with someone "like me". Well, I think that is her way of trying to find peace with it, which is fine. I never beat her, abused her, cheated, or anything like that. I was rarely out late if at all. My biggest flaw was not treating her like the queen she wanted to be treated like. I may have called her a name or three in a heated argue,etc., but I hardly think thats a reason to end a marriage over. I told her I am changing (therapy) and seen the errors of my ways, but its all for naught.

I'm not sure when she is leaving. We haven't set a date, but I guess sooner rather than later. I still cherish every minute i get to spend with her. For instance the Notre Dame game was on last night (HUGE game) and I am a huge fan, but I missed it just so i could be around her. Sad, I know. But I just want to cherish every last minute with her, even though she stepped on my heart and mashed into he ground.

As for the other man, yea, I guess it is a matter of time before there is some physical contact, but I asked her to respect our marriage and please wait until it is over legally. I asked for at least that.

Well, thanks for listening, I guess I will be on here to offer others advice and look for support over the next year as I'm sure I will need it.

Take care of you and yours-
VS

I also think she needs to get help herself. I don't think she has realistic expectations of life. If she thinks by leaving me her life is all of a sudden going to be this perfect happy place? She has another thing coming.

I hope she finds what she is looking for and wish her nothing but the best. I love her with all my heart - forever.

I'm also sorry it's come to this, and wish you the best. Take care of yourself.