VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

Right, the sin as explained is allowing herself to have feelings for the guy. How many threads do we have here on fantasies and infatuations and how they sometimes help someone through a rough spot in their relationship?

The between the lines picture I have is that he 'caught' her IMing a guy from work, flipped out, drilled her about whether or not she had feelings for the guy, flipped out again when she said she wasn't sure, and has gone off the deep end over her admission of possible feelings. I thing his premise that she is cheating on him by possibly having feelings for someone else is irrational and to insist that she not give any of her emotional energies to others is unrealistic.

Snood, I don't know that you've ever stated on these boards whether or not you've ever had fantasies or infatuations while in a relationship, but do you honestly think that they spell the problems that have resulted from his discovery?

Just to be CRYSTAL clear, my problems with my wife are:
1. She has feeling for another man..not just talking but actual emotional feelings.
2. They way she has treated me the last 14 days is something no one should ever have to go through. I don't wish it upon my worst enemy.
3. She went to another mans house during this time if crisis.

She told me that she has feelings for this man. What is the difference between sexual contact and emotional feelings? I would rather have sex with some random guy than have feelings for another man. The fact that she went to his house Friday night is very disturbing...and I have no idea what happened there....she says nothing, but she went there, Thats not right on any level. How can anyone argue that? We are married ad she has fallen for another man.

So, sozobe, if your husband/wife had feelings for another man/woman you wouldn't see this has a concern? And she told me she's not in love with me"

She doesn't want to be around me really, she never wants to be home anymore, she said she is unwilling to give out marriage a chance, but I should not be concerned? I'm cinfused...i apologize in advance...i haven't eaten really and been through hell the last two weeks.

If anyone has any questions or doesn't understand something about this situation, please ask me and I would be glad to give you a detailed response so I can receive accurate advice.

Thanks again for everyone's responses. I really appreciate it.

vstrong, I don't know if you saw my post above yours as we were posting at the same time, but it is normal and natural for someone to develop feelings and even infatuations during times of marital stress. You said yourself that the past six months have been very stressful.

That doesn't mean that she's right and you're wrong in this situation. I think both of you are reacting in a way that will surely result in failure of your marriage unless both of you take a step or two back and open your eyes to what has actually transpired and how it came about.

A whole lot!! One is thoughts -- uncontrollable. Another is actions -- controllable.



Has she been dishonest about other things? There was a lot she could have lied about but she didn't. Why don't you believe her here?



Oh, of course it's a concern. The question is whether in and of itself it's cause for divorce. I don't think so. I'd try to work it out. Who knows whether it would work out or not, but that one factor -- my spouse having not-acted-on-feelings for someone else -- would by no means by cause for divorce in and of itself.



Did she? When? You said a bit ago that she hasn't said it's over.



Again, nobody is saying you shouldn't be concerned. Of course it's a concern. It's a long way from "concerned" to "divorced" though -- or at least, IMO, it should be.

vstrong, I'm looking for some of our prior discussion with people who came here with similar concerns as yours.

Here's one...

Infatuation

Again, she has feelings for this man...100% She has said so and I would think her adventure t to his house Friday night would most likely verify this. I have asked her to stop social contact and she obviously cant. I have no problem with her talking to men,.......i have problems with my wife falling for another man.

BUT, I don't think this is all about the other guy. I also think she feels like she has the ability to "have her own life". I think the guy is one of two problems here. She is confused in general about her life. She feels that there is another life for her out there and that this awesome life is passing her by. I'm assuming her "friends" at work have told her how beautiful she is and how great she is and it has made her realize "They may be more out there for me".

I know I have flaws, but I am a good man who has made a great life for both myself and my wife. I worked my butt off to have a successful career and it looks like my strive to do this caused me to forget to cherish my wife. Now I am paying the price.

I feel like I have taken a minor beating on this board....partly my fault...but its hard to get your situation across with words. Sometimes my words just don't come out right. All I can say is i am a good person, who failed in showing my wife how much she means to me, but I am willing to change that, go to therapy, etc. Anything. But I think it is too late.

How long can I allow my wife to have her cake and eat it to? I feel like a doormat. everyone I have talked to can not believe I am still allowing her in my life...so I guess I have done a poor job of communicating on here and for that I am sorry.

If you believe in God, pray for me, if for nothing else, just peace in my mind.

Please don't feel like you have taken a beating on here vstrong. I've read through your predicament and I think people are genuinlely trying to help and advise you and it's hard to get the right tone across with text sometimes. And it can be frustrating to hear about people going through tough times and not being able to do anything about it.

I hope this awful time for you doesn't last too long and that you will be happy again soon.

Well, I asked her if she would give me a chance to prove to her that i am still the man she fell in love with. She said "her heart isn't in it" I take that as her not willing to make the marriage work, how do you all take it?

I would say she "acted on those feelings" Friday night by going to his house. Regardless if they had physical contact, that was a conscious decision to be with this man outside of work.

I'm losing my love for her. I mean, I'm just pounded here. Totally caught off guard. I went from being in a loving, sensual, sexual marriage which i thought was OK, to nothing in a matter of one week really. Its shocking.

I understand you can't control your feelings, but she openly admitted to me that she flirted with this other man at work. I mean, I'm not sure why people keep trying to defend her actions here. They are so wrong on every level. I have had many women make overtures to me at work, but I never let myself get caught up in anything because of the commitment I made to my wife. You just don't let yourself get in the situation. Period.

It seems to me (and her parents) like someone has taken over her body and its not even her. Its so strange. I'm dead serious. she was the most good hearted, caring, trustworthy person I ever met, hence why i married her. its like she is not even herself anymore. Its sad to watch.

My story probably would make for an excellent movie though.......

Pray for me to find peace within...thanks everyone......

Vstrong--

Whatever the background of this marital crisis, your wife seems determined to discover herself whether or not this means keeping promises that she made to you and whether or not she hurts your feelings.

First: See a lawyer.

Second: Make an appointment for you to see a counselor to discuss the best way to present your wife with implementing a trial separation.

Third: Arrange this separation from your wife and from her animals as well.

Good luck.

I doubt it, as you are certainly not alone in experiencing a failed marriage.

The real heros are the wives with two or three children who were left
by their husbands practically overnight and had to financially support
their children. THey haven't had the luxury to whine about it either.

I haven't commented up 'til now, because others have already said what I thought.

But there is a HUGE difference between flirting/being infatuated and having sexual contact. Lots of married people flirt with others for perfectly harmless reasons. And infatuation happens to everyone from time to time, married or single. Some more than others. It's a chemical thing that we seem to need, but it never lasts. Don't confuse it with love. A happy marriage is no guarantee that someone will never have feelings for another person. That's such a myth!

The key is knowing when to stop yourself. Flirting cannot cross the line into physical contact. And just because you have feelings for someone else doesn't mean you can throw your marriage away. Like soz said, feelings are uncontrollable but actions are VERY controllable.

Since no one can control their feelings, vstrong, don't condemn your wife for having them. Instead, watch what she does. That will tell you if your marriage is over or not.

I always knew I liked you, Eva.

This thread is bizarre to me in a couple of ways, neither having to do with the predicament of the thread originator.

The thing that just leaps out at me is the way that women on this thread are saying something opposite to what I've always thought about, and had reflected in experience with, women.

Women were always the ones who said "Emotional intimacy is just as big a betrayal as physical intimacy - maybe even bigger." It was always women who said - and I had to agree, that one can betray a trust just as deeply with phone sex as with actual contact. Now, on this thread, the women are seemingly saying that if she flirted, if she just had heart-to-hearts with another man, its nothing to get too bent out of shape about.

Bizarre.

I also concur with Eva and JPB, made some similar comments about love/in love/infatuation somewhere way back there.

On flirting versus seduction - there have been many threads about flirting. Some of us women on a2k are boundless flirts-for-fun and some hardly ever flirt and when we do, mean it. Flirting varies. If I flirt in real life, grab the tow rope.

Seduction, um, flirting amped up, that's another category.

None of us readers know what that flirting was like, what that apartment visit was like. He could be her good friend and she is unloading her thoughts about life to him because it is easier to talk with him without sturm and drang than her husband, who many of us have noticed has a tendency toward high drama... or they could have had a quick amorous exchange (I'm guessing not, but maybe that is what is going on).

As I've mentioned over and over, it doesn't seem to have been a very communicative relationship to this point. I keep hearing about love and sensual experience, but there doesn't seem all that much mental connection (what an idealist I remain). At 26 and 30, I see both as almost just beginning learning about what it means to be in a long time relationship.

She was eighteen when the relationship began? Perhaps she did have experience with boyfriends, but this is a time of immaturity, reasonably so. It seems to me she is just waking up to the possibilities of life, at the same time she seems to be into some destructive behavior.

VStrong has, as others have noted, been kind of set with the nature of their relationship before, and in his (reasonable) panic must seem to her to be rather smothering. Her instinct is to get away - I bet. She may have memories to counter that, but the get away thing is strong.
We don't know that the office fellow is actually interested in her as a partner.

I still wish for communication and counselling for you two, VStrong, and also agree with Noddy about seeing an attorney (yes, I'm repeating myself), and doing that before any talk with her about separation.

I don't mean go to an attorney and set up a divorce. I mean go to an attorney for an hour's time and talk about various considerations that you need to think about, various options.

I'm not very hopeful, I see the drama thing going on from both VStrong and his wife, clear distancing by her, and an effort to deal with it all with a blanket of love talk by him.

People can come back from these cold times; I've experienced it.
It can bite you in the ass later, and sometimes not.

snood, women are different from each other of course. Not monolithic. The viewpoint you cite seems immature to me, but that's just me.

A distinction I've made before that I think is an important one is that of course something can be upsetting without being grounds for immediate termination of the marriage. I'm not saying that vstrong doesn't have any reason to be "concerned" or "bent out of shape." One can both be concerned and bent out of shape and then put a good faith effort into working things out.

Mostly, I agree with this from JPB:

I think what Vstrong needs is a strong woman with a wedge of cheese on her head.

But where does one find such a creature?

No idea!

<looks left, looks right, looks up...>

HEY!

snood, didn't anyone ever tell you not to try to understand women?

Here's the deal... Emotional intimacy CAN BE just as big a betrayal as physical intimacy but can also be a way for someone to get over a hurdle in a long term relationship. Emotional intimacy, when it gets to the point of infatuation and beyond, begins to take a toll on the relationship when both partners are stuck on the infatuation (one from the positive and the other from the negative) and stop looking to each other for support.

Emotional intimacy does not equate to phone sex - you're opening an entirely new dynamic with that. Emotional intimacy is a connection in a time of emptiness. It's temporary and part of a healing process, AS LONG AS, it doesn't get overblown and taken out of context (which is what I think has happened here).

You didn't answer my previous question... have you ever found yourself emotionally attached to another woman while in a relationship, kept it to yourself, and seen the relationship turn the corner to a better place?

OK I have to add that I think phone sex is some other category. Maybe that's arbitrary (probably is), but I think phone sex is far closer to illicit contact than mere non-sexual (in the sense of nothing actually happening) flirting, etc. I'd be far more pissed if my husband had phone sex with someone than if it developed that he had an un-acted-upon crush on someone. (Though I think it's an extremely bad idea to share an un-acted-upon crush with one's spouse, as vstrong's wife did.)

Hadn't seen JPB's latest post when I was typing, I agree with her distinction there.