VStrong-The saga continues.More advice needed.kick wife out?

So do I, until now. If you know me, you'll know I'll backtrack.

Half kidding, as I seem I'm at least partly right. Neither person knows how to look at her/himself with perspective. I don't blame them at all, they haven't been taught to. And surely most of us don't know how to look at ourselves for quite a bit of time.

It's quite strange, really. We have more and more information these days to seemingly less avail.

****Check with an attorney*****

It does seem rather ridiculous for you to do nothing while she is stepping all over you. It sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. It is getting more ridiculous by the minute. For you own sanity, and self esteem, you need to take some steps to get this spoiled child out of your life. Whatever happens later, "que sera, sera". But it is grossly unfair for her to live under the same roof with you, while she prances around like a single woman.

I have said this before, and I will say it again. She NEEDS to learn what it is like to be on her own. to have to pay her own bills, and to have no one to fall back on.

You need to take some steps to sever the relationship..................and that means living separately. But if no one has mentioned it before,

*****Check with an attorney first*****

You don't want her to turn around and screw you with some legal maneuver. And please don't give me the bullshit that she is not interested in your assets. When push come to shove, you are going to have a rude awakening. Protect yourself, NOW!

Got the attorney part.

Well, last night was pure hell.

She told me she would call me after work no call. She told me she would call me from her friends house, no call. She told me she would call me when she got back to friends house, I got a text at 3am saying, I'm at xxxxx's (girlfriends).

So I find out she emailed the guy the name of the place they were going and all that, even after I asked her not to see him out of work until our marriage is over. I said (you can wait 4 weeks or whatever). But I guess I was being stupid and unrealistic. The woman I married would respect that, the new woman I have no idea who she is, doesn't.

I guess I need to stop holding on to that faint hope of her coming to her senses and start the process.


As to who is not sure what the wife has done she has:
1. Admitted to having feelings for another man and sees him outside of work.
2. Say her heart isn't in the marriage anymore
3. Say that she doesn't believe her heart is in it to go through what it takes to mend the broken fence.

It's not what she has done so much...but the fact that she wants to end thisd marriage.

Now, I may not win husband of the year, but I can assure you I am a pretty decent catch, I just lost my way and it looks to have cost me my wife. I didn't treat her with the love and respect she deserved for 6 months combined with her new work situation, has left me in this predicament.

My wife was the most loving , caring, good-hearted person you could meet, but its almost like someone else has taken over her body (Satan?). Thats what it seems like. It seems like I haven't seen my wife in 4 weeks. It kills me.

I think Phoenix is right on the money in her assessment of my wife. She is very immature, has never had to work for anything, always gotten whatever she wanted and is in for one hell of an awakening.

I;m sorry if I have confused some of you with my posts. You have to remember I am an emotional wreck and and I do still love my wife. But at this point, even if she were to say "I made a mistake, I love you, I want to work on us", I think it would be a LONG road back for me to trust her. Who is to say she won't go thought this phase again in 5 years....maybe when we have kids, god forbid. Its bad enough with the Dog.

Well, her parents are coming up today (they live 6 hours from her) to confront her. They just can't believe what is happening and her and her Mom used to talk and confide in each other everyday, ever since "the crash", they don't talk at all, because my wife is tired of hearing "you need to stay with your husband". I'm not sure...wait....i know her parents are not going to open her eyes at all, but the Mom needs to do it for herself. Whatever.

I'm just so saddened by this whole thing. I thought I had the life of a King and now its all being blown up in my face and there is nothing I can do about it. The thought of having to be alone is killing me. Yes, I am weak I guess.

I know...stop writing and get an attorney......thanks again everyone.

No............get an attorney, and keep on writing, if you find it helpful to get feedback. If you looked at this thread from the beginning, you will see that what is happening to you is a process. Little by little, you are recognizing what is really happening. It isn't easy, and I know that you are hurt, confused, and possibly even mystified by what is going on.

The great thing about A2K is that the folks here don't have any axe to grind, as might a friend, or a parent. We call things as we see it. Sometimes, when one is embroiled in a very emotional situation, it is helpful to have disinterested parties (especially those who have "been there, done that") to help you sort out what is happening.

Hi Phoen...

yea...I like to call it finding peace...but I have taken a step backwards the past 2 days in the process because of what has gone on with her. I don't expect myself to find peace with this overnight, but day by day. I'm just having a very hard time with everything and not having my wife in my life just seems unfathomable. We were such a great match, everyone and anyone would tell you that....i think thats another reason why it is so hard. it seems like I will never be able to find another like her (the good things) and the things we had in common.

It really helps to talk to people on here about what I am going through.....its not like I am not talking about it with my parents and friends as well, but it is nice to have some unbiased feedback.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback and time to read my rambling, sometime nonsensical posts. It helps

vstrong- Understand that emotionally, you are on a roller coaster. There are days that you will be able to handle everything just fine, and other days when you think that your world is falling apart.

The important thing is to realize that what you are going through is not uncommon, your feelings are quite normal and natural, and that yes, you WILL survive, and most likely end up much stronger and wiser.

Thanks Phoenix..

Yea...im just so down right now, the road up seems so high. Almost out of reach.

A little background on myself: I come form a divorced family (dad left when I was 8) and I am a very needy person who never wants to be alone. I haven't been without a girlfriend/wife really since I was 14 (16 years a ago). The thought of moving on alone is scaring the sh** out of me.

I mean, we only get one shot at this life and this is the one I am dealt? Unreal. I found my soulmate, the mother of my children, etc. and she is too immature to realize what she has and is giving up. It just seems so f'ed up.

We went from madly in love (we really were, even the people around us noticed it), to this in 4 weeks. 6 weeks ago she brought up the fact that we should have kids. I'm probably repeating myself relentlessly, so I apologize in advance. It just seems like maybe she is going through a phase. I don't know. It all just seems so fast. She is falling away from me so fast. I guess something clicked in her head. Whatever. Today is especially tough for some reason. She still isn't home from last night (which I expected), but I'm just not having a good day at all. I don't feel like doing a thing. Just so sad.

As hard as it will be, obviously, it could well be the best thing that ever happened to you. I don't think anyone can be in a healthy relationship until he or she is comfortable being alone.

Glad you've started therapy, too, that could not only help you deal with the end of this relationship but help you start to figure out this other stuff.



No, you didn't.

There is a lovely quote from Ayn Rand:

"To say "I love you", one must know first how to say the I".

It sounds to me that your fear is not so much about losing your wife, but losing ANYBODY who will stay with you. IMO, you need to work on your own personal demons, with a professional. You need to learn to like your own company. Then, when you do meet someone else (hopefuly, not on the rebound), you will want to stay with her because you WANT her, not because you NEED her. See the difference?

One of the things that you might want to do is experiment with doing things yourself. Do something simple. Go to a mall. Go see a movie. Wander around in a museum. Join a gym. Dabble with doing anything that you find interesting. Start to experience the joy of doing something that you like without having to answer to anyone but yourself. Start seeing yourself as an individual, separate from any other person.

It will be tough at first, but little by little, you will begin to experience things that have a positive value for you. You will start to realize that you CAN have a good time doing things on your own. When you are comfortable in your own skin, THEN is the time to look around for someone to share your life. Not before.

Hey, vstrong...do you have a good pair of running shoes? Time to lace 'em up and go for a good run.

Not that it has to be running...it could be cycling, boxing, martial arts...even a good, long, hard workout. Whatever you prefer, vigorous physical activity is the best way to shake these feelings and restore a sense of power.

So, what did you do with your evening last night? Did you start packing up some of her things? <crossing fingers>

yea...i agree with everything you all are saying.

I am seeing a therapist. and it is helping. But nothing will make the pain go away.

As for being alone, yea, that is something I truly need to get over. i need to be alone and live alone and do things by myself. I have never done that before as an adult.

I don't know if therapy is going to change me into not being a person who doesn't want to be alone, but i hoe it does.

As for last night, I was at a very good friends house, who gave up his night out with his GF to hang with me. It was a tough night, especially knowing that she contact this other man and told him to meet them out. I have no idea where she slept, although she says her GF's., so I have no choice but to beleive...but I guess at this point it is neither here or there.

Well, her parents are going to be here shortly and so is she...im making some popcorn and going to watch he drama unfold. You can't write stuff like this! hahaha

Anyway, thanks again everyone, you truly have become a support group of sorts.

VS

BTW- I'll try and post tonight or tomorrow and let you know how this how "intervention" thing works out. I can already tell you it is NOT going to be good. At all. My wife HATES being told what to do and that she is wrong more than anything in the world. Criticism? Forget it. She can't take it. At all. It's going to be fireworks at my place ladies and gentleman!!! Come one, come all!!

I believe this will only drive her farther and harder away...but it seems like a forgone conclusion anyway that we are done. I know, i know, get an attorney and kick her out. Easy to say from over there.....but when I think about it....i don't think I could ever trust her again. I really think its done. So I guess the sooner she moves on the better, as hard as it will be. I need to think about #1 and get him back on track.

That's the spirit. Now make a list detailing how you intend to get from here to there (with "call attorney at the top, of course).

Definitely in agreement with Eva about physical outlets. Take your pick of what you enjoy (or dislike the least) and make it a priority on the list somewhere.

Sorry about last night, but today is the beginning of the rest of your life. Good luck with the chaos of the intervention. You'll probably be exhausted before it's over.

I have been through heartbreak before, as my high school sweetheart who i dated for 3 years left me when she went off to college, so I know the steps to recovery. Its funny when i look back on that and thought I would never recover. It took awhile, but I eventually came around.

What made me over come it the most was working out and exercising. Almost to the point of obsession. I was 6'-0" 135 when I graduated HS and at my peak fitness level was 225lbs of pure muscle. Now, I have let myself go a little since I got married, but the no eating and past few weeks of hell have gotten me to be a lean machine, not an once of fat. So I guess I will start working out again and get back in shape. It helped last time, so I'm hoping it will help this time. It also boosts my confidence and will help in that area as well.

Have a good one everyone...the fireworks are flyin here...i'm staying low. Its getting ugly in there......

Vstrange--

The first days/weeks/months of Single Again are very disorienting, particularly when you must untangle your identity from someone who has no idea of Fair Play.

Remember, you are your problem.

Little Miss Self-Discovery can be her parent's problem or her girl friend's problem or her Office Romance Guy's problem. Eventually she may grow up enough to be her own problem.

She is not--and should never have been--your problem. She should have been your wife.

***********

Perhaps her mother would be willing to help you pack some of her possessions?

Most people would rather be with someone than not-- you don't need to end up actually preferring to be alone. You just need to realize that it's nothing to be scared of, so that in the future you'll never hang onto a relationship with someone purely to avoid being alone.

Just keep finding little things that make being alone bearable, and eventually even fun. Make sure to treat doing things for yourself as something special, not something sad-- go out to dinner someplace new, so that you're making your own memories, not reliving the last time you went there together. Plan a whole day out for yourself, and make it into a special occasion: Maybe a museum or art gallery, a stop at a coffee shop to relax and people watch, then a new movie. (I still miss lots of things about being single, and planning a fun day for myself, with no one else's schedule or interests to worry about, is one of them!)

It's really great that you have a background of enjoying being in good physical condition, you'll feel so good when you start working on that again, too.

Well, her parents said their peace and i obviously what little miss self absorbed wanted to hear. they pretty much said "you are making the biggest mistake of your life and you have left a terrible mark on all of our hearts because of this. Your actions are unacceptable and you need to give your husband a chance to show you how much he can love you and stop seeing this other man., You have hurt us so deeply, I'm not sure we will ever fully recover"

I only think this has made matters worse, but with her being so close to her family, I had to step back and allow them to say their peace. Before they cam, my wife was at least somewhat allowing me to show her affection ( a hand hold here, and snuggle there, a hug here, a small peck on the cheek there). Well, last night she wanted nothing to do with me at all. As I type, they are downstairs (her parents and her) going through the last shots, so to speak. Her parents are so ashamed of her and disappointed. They love me, know I am a great person and that I am very good for their daughter and have been very good to their daughter in general. They know that without me, she is going to be unhappy (eventually), struggle financially and have to live with what she has done to both of our families and myself for the rest of her life.

Also, by her parents basically telling her that they will never forgive her for this and making her come back to me, she may never come back to me in her heart and just put on a show to keep everyone happy, while living this double life while not at home (ie with this other man). Meaning she may just stay with me because she feels like she has to. I don't want that obviously.

I am giving her a deadline of Jan 30th to get out, unless she miraculously decides she would like to put her heart and soul into fixing this mess. But even then, I'm not sure I could ever forget what she has done to me. Therapy city. I know many of you on here are confused as to what she has done, but pursuing another man while married, after only one month in the work place, and willing to throw your marriage and 8 years together away for it, is hard for me to forget. Whose to say this wont happen again 5 years from now, god forbid when/if we have kids?

Of course I want her back more than anything in the world, but it is such a long road back, the trust factor alone could take years to rebuild. I don't know. I'm rambling again....sorry.

VS

It sounds like the two of you would benefit from her moving out regardless of the outcome here. You're right, she could stay out of guilt and never work through her issues. Or she could leave and have time to herself to reflect on herself and your marriage and come to a better descision for herself. Like I said before, this is about her. Don't beat yourself up over what you could have done differently.

vstrong- It is ok that you are rambling. Hey, you have just gone through something very traumatic. I feel sorry for her folks, but I really don't think that they did the right thing. They are still indulging her as a kid.



This is between you and your wife. As far as I can see, they were attempting to manipulate her to do what they wanted. What I don't like is that remark of yours, "Meaning she may stay with me............". Hey, the ball is in YOUR court. Don't allow her to inflict her drama on you. If you want her out (even with regrets), YOU need to be the one to make the decision. Any other way, and she will have you on a roller coaster for as long as SHE decides.

Remember, it's YOUR decision. Not hers, and certainly not her parents.