Be very glad that you didn't start a family. You are still quite young, and have plenty of time.
I would be very curious as to how your wife reacts when the reality of her having to take care of herself finally dawns on her. Over time, I am getting a picture of a rather immature girl who is used to getting her own way.
snood wrote: It's always hard to make a judgement on a couples' situation without having any firsthand, eyewitness info.
You're not kidding! And I think this one has been particularly difficult to get an accurate feel for what was/is going on, for various reasons.
Anyway, vstrong, I hope you do stick around here and keep posting. It's a very supportive place, and besides that, there are all sorts of other interesting discussions to get involved in if you want other things to occupy your mind as you go through this.
Good luck; I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
Hi VS,
I've just read this thread and I am so sorry to hear about what has happened in your life. I wish I'd come here sooner to post some responses, but it seemed everyone else pretty much covered what I might have said anyway.
There is one thing I would like to add.
I recently watched a DVD .. "The Upside of Anger". A chick flick about a guy who is in love with his neighbour. She (neighbour) is going thru a really hard time. She knows he adores her but she distances him one minute, then pulls him closer the next. She is mean to him once too often.
He is hurt and shouts at her "I'm sick of being your bitch.".
It's a shock to them both. How rude!
But it snaps her out of her behaviour. She realises she is treating him like a dog. He realises he would rather be alone than be walked over.
I am NOT comparing your life with a movie plot, but I will ask you not to let your wife treat you poorly & walk all over you. Keep your self respect and dignity during the breakup and stand your ground.
I'm not saying anyone's right or wrong in your situation, just that you both need to give each other space to move on. She has obviously moved into a whole new head space so I feel the sooner she moves out, the better for you both. You won't suffer as much by having her constantly around - and she will be free to do whatever it is that she wants to do with some degree of autonomy.
Consider putting a deadline on a moving date for her, but negotiate such a date with her so she can't accuse you of pushing her out on to the street.
I admire your practical attitude, in terms of putting some mental plans together for moving on, re: the condo, etc. I wish you the very best of luck, VS.
Phoenix32890 wrote:Be very glad that you didn't start a family. You are still quite young, and have plenty of time.
I would be very curious as to how your wife reacts when the reality of her having to take care of herself finally dawns on her. Over time, I am getting a picture of a rather immature girl who is used to getting her own way.
Wow, you could not be more right. Are you her mother or something? haha.
She has gotten her way forever. Never had to worry about money, always bought whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted to. Its going to be a HUGE wake up call.
Her parents are coming in town (they live 6 hours away) to try and intervene. I told them its to late, but they need to do it for themselves. For there own peace of mind. I said, "good luck!'.
She is going to be living paycheck to paycheck until she finds her next "victim" to take care of her. She is the type of person who is never without a man in her life...well at least thats how she was before me.
I'm still holding out hope, but I'm almost to the point to where I don't know if I would take her back. She has hurt me so much and just walked all over me.
VS
Thanks jazzie and cypher. I have been trying to explain everything the best that I can, but its hard when you are an emotional wreck. I'm working on getting her out ASAP, but its hard because I keep thinking something will change, but even if it does, I will never be able to trust her again. She would have to quit that job (for other reasons besides the other man, but that too).
I'm hoping to have everything done and the house sold by March 1st. I'm trying to look forward and realize the positives that this will provide.
Thanks everone.
VS
I'm curious if her parents will ultimately come to her rescue. At this point their trying to intervene - of COURSE they'd rather you support her than them having to do it again. If she's never had to support herself (and they've never given her the tools or inclination) then she will either find a sugar daddy or daddy will save the day. They might talk the talk, but I'd be surprised if they walk the walk on having her support herself.
vstrong, I take it you're located somewhere in the Chicago suburbs. I am too and if you're anywhere near me, I know a couple good realtors I could direct you to.
Phoenix-The "boyfriend" who she says is just a friend at work who she has some feeling for, is 35 and single and never been married. But what kind of man can he be to pursue or want to be with a married woman?
JPB- I live in the far north. I will be looking for a Realtor soon most likely. I'm not sure what will happen with her parents coming up here. She was very close to her mother, they talked everyday and now she avoids since everything went down. So her Mom is coming up here to make my wife "face her". Not sure if it will do anything.
As for her parents, I don't believe they will. They are so hurt and upset at this, they are ready to cut her off complketely even as her daughter. They say she is not welcome in there home and they are livid...we'll see what time brings there....
All in all, if my wife wants to come back to me, its going to be a LONG road back. I'm not sure if she has physically cheated, but she has emotionally cheated. She has hurt me so bad that it will take awhile for me to forgive. There is also the whole factor of her at work. I would not be able to trust her in that environment ever again, I don't think. I will always be wondering. It would take 110% commitment on her side to make this work again and I just don't see any sign of that at all.
So, the question remains, do I take it day by day, or do I throw her ass out? She is going out tonight and told me not to expect her to come home. She is staying the night "at her friends". She said it is her girlfriends, but we all know what kind of night I am going to have wondering whats going on.
Thanks again for the posts everyone -
VS
I'm in Lake County, so give a yell when you're ready and I'll PM you some contact info.
She's already told you she isn't coming home tonight. What are your plans? If I were you, I'd probably start packing her stuff into boxes. Then, I'd find a storage locker and move the boxes into the locker and give her the key to the locker. They're a little chilly this time of year, but they're private enough to make a quick change of clothes between visits to one's friends. A 10X10 unheated unit goes for about $100/month
Vstrong--
Quote:So, the question remains, do I take it day by day, or do I throw her ass out? She is going out tonight and told me not to expect her to come home. She is staying the night "at her friends". She said it is her girlfriends, but we all know what kind of night I am going to have wondering whats going on.
Are you going to cooperate in your own exploitation? Why should she change when you are making her life so convenient?
Don't do another thing before consulting an attorney... including selling your house. A fact isn't a fact until a Judge says it's a fact, even if it's a law. Be careful.
Bill, I think this statement of yours pretty much sums it all up. In fact, I think it deserves to be posted on the "perfect sigline" thread.
OCCOM BILL wrote:The grass is always greener... especially if you've never had to cut it.
JPB (love the new avatar!), I figured you'd agree with my last post. We usually see things alike. I admit, I once thought the way Snood described, but...well...I was young. Like a lot of us here, I've learned a thing or two through the years. Sometimes the hard way.
I don't agree about packing up her things for her and renting a locker, though. Why should he do those things for her? That's her job. She wants to take care of herself...this is the perfect place to start. I think vstrong should ask her for a firm moving date and not agree to anything more than a week. The longer she drags it out, the uglier things will get. He needs closure.
I echo the others, vstrong...talk to an attorney a.s.a...NOW!
Eva wrote:JPB (love the new avatar!), I figured you'd agree with my last post. We usually see things alike. I admit, I once thought the way Snood described, but...well...I was young. Like a lot of us here, I've learned a thing or two through the years. Sometimes the hard way.
I don't agree about packing up her things for her and renting a locker, though. Why should he do those things for her? That's her job. She wants to take care of herself...this is the perfect place to start. I think vstrong should ask her for a firm moving date and not agree to anything more than a week. The longer she drags it out, the uglier things will get. He needs closure.
I echo the others, vstrong...talk to an attorney a.s.a...NOW!
Thanks, Eva, it was an accident but I think I'll keep it.
My suggestion was more figurative than literal. vstrong, I think you should do whatever it takes to help this woman begin the next phase of her life in a manner that doesn't make you an unwilling participant. It seems that she has friends with whom she can stay and there are storage lockers for rent for whatever belongings she has.
It's fine if you want to be the nice guy and help her look for an apartment, it's equally fine if you don't. In the meantime she's coming and going as she pleases, has indicated that your marriage isn't worth the energy she'd have to give it to try again, and is expecting you to feed the her cats and walk her dog. Packing boxes sounds kinda therapeutic...
"Launching pad" and "doormat" are two easily confused concepts.
Don't allow her to heap her loose ends on your broken heart.
I admit, it does sound therapeutic! Leaving her the apartment rental pages and the address/phone number of a storage locker rental place would be helpful, too.
I still say he needs to arrange a firm moving date with her. And it needs to be very soon. I'm concerned that when it comes right down to it, she won't want to give up the free room & board until she just has to. And that is absolutely not fair to him.
AHEM...have you talked to an attorney yet, vstrong?
ATTORNEY FIRST. You cannot legally change the locks or move her stuff out. The eviction process is not at all unclear and what's being recommended to you is illegal. GET A LAWYER!
Ok, but it still sounds therapeutic. vstrong - GET A LAWYER!
Quote:Q: When I start divorce proceedings, doesn't my husband have to get out of the house?
A: No. This is a question I am frequently asked by wives, and especially those who believe (whether or not it is the case) they are abused. I usually answer this question by turning it around and asking, "If your husband filed suit for divorce first, would it be fair for you to automatically be required to leave the house?"
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Q: My spouse voluntarily left the house and is living someplace else. Can I change the locks?
A: Yes, but give it some thought before you do so. If you want to minimize antagonism in the divorce, changing the locks might be viewed as an antagonistic move on your part. Despite your having changed the locks, your spouse still has a right to re-enter the house as long as he can do so peacefully (without breaking the law), unless there is a court order keeping him out of the house. If your spouse has moved out, you should, however, be entitled to your own privacy. Sometimes what works is to volunteer to give a key to the changed locks to your spouse, if he will also give you a key to his new residence.
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Q: Aren't there court orders available to evict a spouse from the house?
A:: Yes, first under an order of protection, which can be obtained whether or not you have filed for divorce. Second, the divorce court can also grant a temporary eviction from the marital residence.
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Q: What about the eviction proceedings under the Divorce Act (and not under the Domestic Violence Act)?
A: A statute in the Divorce Act (Section 701) states that during the pendency of the divorce proceedings a petition may be filed seeking the eviction of a spouse from the marital residence "but only in cases where the physical or mental well being of either spouse or their children is jeopardized by the occupancy of the marital residence by both spouses, and only upon due notice and full hearing, unless waived by the court on good cause shown." If the physical well being of a spouse is jeopardized, it would be easier and more effective to obtain eviction under an order of protection. This statute in the Divorce Act is designed for eviction where the mental well being of a spouse or the children is involved. The best way to prove that mental well being is jeopardized is by the testimony of a mental health professional.
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From an IL site
Well, some of us have been saying see the attorney first for a while, and now it's getting even more imperative, especially with O'Bill's last post that I saw. (I've no idea of the legalities, but they matter.)
Good grief, go see one for an hour. Find out rights and pros and cons of behavior. Now it's the weekend. Don't wait over it and act stupidly in between now and Monday. It will probably cost you more for an hour over the weekend. Do it, or, if you can't meet with one, don't do anything in the meantime.
This is a confusing situation, as I think both parties may be out to lunch in different ways. (Sorry, don't mean to be as obnoxious as that sounds.)
I am still not sure of the nature of what wife has done, re having a male friend at work whom she relates to. I don't know the level of sexual activity; I surmise she has at least a crush on him, surely don't know, maybe it wasn't even a serious crush to start with but a guy she could talk with. We don't know anything at all about him except that he is a friend, and she visited him shortly, while feeling alienated from her husband. We don't know that he is very interested in her.
Neither does VStrong, unless he hasn't told us some things.
We do know the wife says she doesn't have the interest or heart for going on with VStrong. That's the part I'll listen about, though I've no idea of how that may change with the wind.
I am as inclined as many are to see the wife as spoiled and immature, whether or not she has acted on her seeming crush. Chances are guy-at-work, if he has actually been interested, may not be for long.
I do wonder that she may have a self destructive dramatic thing going on..
but wait, we have only heard one side.
VStrong doesn't bow to anyone re drama thing, going between wounded bear and I'll do anything for her and back again and then back the other way, little nuance between. Reread your posts, VStrong. Look at them as if it wasn't yourself speaking.
I do guess she's probably immature (now, we have the strong-ish parents, the patriarchal boyfriend/husband for some years, and the young woman with apparent low get-go until recently) and further posit that whatever happens, she has some work to do, as does he, or they'll just do this stuff with new people while demoralizing each other.
All of us posting have been immature. The thing is, to get past it, more or less.
Great post, osso- I agree with everything you said.
