Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Wrong. They're all intended as humor, unless someone is actually gullible enough to believe any of that "folk etymology." There is not one single actually true word derivation in that whole bunch of fascinating nonsense.

Yes, it's POOR MAN'S philology.
But you do acknowledge, don't you, that they are not humorous.

I think that some of them are funny as hell. It's subtle, tongue-in-cheek, makes-you-chuckle-not guffaw type of humor. They're like that old story which claims -- with a straight face -- that the expression "**** you" is really a corruption of "fork yew" and comes from the 100 years war and English archers (whose bows were made of yew) taunting the French with their middle fingers, which were necessary for pulling the string on the bow. I've known people who believe that story but I think it's funny as hell. There's a million 'poor man's philology' items like that.

Now that's funny! One I won't forget.

You know where one-legged waitresses find work, don't you?

IHOP.

>Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
>wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
>finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
>breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
>knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
>dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
>executed as soon as possible.


Addendum...
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Pitiful.

I know, Kara. These are supposed to be bad jokes. You haven't been carrying the torch; your contributions are way too good.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed??!!"

"No, because he's really heavy..."

***

So this lady goes to her doctor with problems "downstairs". "Please undress. I'm going to have to numb you", the doc says. The lady is highly offended. "There's no need to be patronising", she said, as her panties hit the floor. "If you have to anaesthetise me, do so. No need to talk down to me as if I was a small...." At which the doc fell to his kness, pulled her closer and went "nunnumnumnum".

Is that called damning with faint praise????

Oh Gawd....

This is a good bad joke, DP

Nothing faint there, Kara.

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more asking to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.

I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'