Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

That's when George sig line comes in handy:
- There's three kinds of people: those who can count and those who don't...

He may have had a point. A quarter horse is known to be stronger, especially over short distances.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I wanted to mail a small package from VA to New Mexico and was told by the folks at the Post Office I would have to fill out an international mail Customs form.

Yup. That ain't no joke. I've run into this myself. Tell folks you're going to New Mexico to visit dys or roger or Osso and they'll ask, "Do you need a visa, or just show your US Passport?" Surprises me that a PO employee could pass the Civil Service exam, though, not knowing the simple facts of US geography.

One of Our Fifty is Missing used to be a regular feature of New Mexico Magazine. They will never learn.

By the way, I can get you a really good exchange rate next time you need to convert dollars to, ah, . . . well just let me know.

NEW MWXICO is a state? Howd they let that skinny bacero in?

That's too funny for a "Bad Jokes" thread.

Phoenix, it appears that some of those people were having strokes.

This one is not so bad, but it's too long. I post it anyway:
-----------------------
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked

readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,

subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a newdefinition.



Here are the 2009 winners:





1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.



3.. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts

until you realize it was your money to start with.



4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,

shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the

purpose of getting laid.



7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

person who doesn't get it.



9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are

running late.



10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

credit.)



11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all

these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes

and it's like, a serious bummer.



12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.



13. Glibido : All talk and no action.



14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter

when they come at you rapidly.



15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just

after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets

into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

,

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a

worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to

its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate

meanings for common words.



And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight

one has gained.



3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat

stomach. -



4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.



6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when

wearing only a nightgown.



7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.



9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who

has been run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by

proctologists.



13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with

Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul

flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn

by Jewish men.

These are good, JLN, but are they good enough to be posted twice?

I don't get it?!

You mean bRacero?

Eh...I wasn't aware

Yep that's the source of befuddlement.

He bobbled the letter order in Mexico. Dyslexia lives in New Mexico, and is not what you would call plump. Get it?

Insider joke. Got it.

No accomplishment I know, but I got THAT.

The following is not humor, but a bit of poor man's philology:

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...........they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell . .. . brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...

Even if some of these may not be true (I am not saying that), it makes for fascinating reading. Thanks!