Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

No, but if ya hum a few bars ...

I think David's obsessions to be pretty funny, actually.

Yeah it's about time to get another joke with all the clueless here, right Andy?

Okay, I will look for one...

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her British husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"
"There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

I don't get it - I didn't get the one about the tights either...but I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't get it.

Here's a joke:

A teacher is teaching a lesson on the 'or' letter pairing ending and she says to the class - 'Class - I want you to think of a word that ends in 'or' and is the label for a word that eats things.'

So Johnny raises his hands and says, alligator'.
And the teacher says, 'Yes, that ends in 'or' and alligators eat things.'

Then Stephen raises his hand and says, 'predator'.
And the teacher says, 'Yes, that ends in 'or' and a predator eats things- yes - that's very good Stephen.'

Then Joey raises his hands and says, 'vibrator'.

The teacher looks confused - a slight reddening to her face and says, 'Well, Joey - yes vibrator ends in 'or' but I don't think it eats things, does it?'

And Joey answers, 'Well, I've heard my sister say that it eats batteries....'

This takes place in a classroom, pupils are around ten years old.

- Teacher says: today we are going to write sentences with the word probably.I want to be sure everyone of you understands the meaning of this word.

- Pupils take a sheet of paper and start writing.

- After a while the teacher collects the sheets, sits and starts reading some of the sentences.

Kevin, you wrote: last Saturday, I went fishing with my father and, upon arriving, I prepared my rod and start fishing. Immediately, I got a really big fish. So, I said to myself, probably the fishing day will be great.

Mary, you wrote: When I left home to school this morning, the sun was out in full force. So, I said to myself that probably we were goint to have a wonderful day.

Little John, you wrote: Last Sunday, I was at home with my elder sister, she is eighteen. She was waiting for her music teacher who gives her home lessons.
When he arrived, they locked themselves in the living-room. Then I looked through the keyhole. I saw my sister putting her skirt up. Her teacher was putting his pants down. Then I saw my sister taking her panty off. Her teacher took off his boxers.


Then I though to myself that probably they were going to pee on the piano..

oh my GOD Francis - that was funny - but I'm afraid to admit I found it funny because PROBABLY I'll be accused at laughing at pedophilia - but FORTUNATELY you said the sister is 18 - so ACTUALLY I'll be able to tell my friends this joke without being accused of POSSIBLY laughing at pedophilia.

This is REALLY funny - and I IMMEDIATELY got it. thank you for the laugh

The first time I told this joke, in English, it was 22 years ago in a nice restaurant in New Orleans. My American clients laughed a lot.

However, at the time, I didn't feel the US were as prude as it is now...

Yeah well, you just have to know the right USians - I guarantee you - I will repeat this joke to USian's and UKians whos will pee their pants laughing - (and not on the piano).

(Some of us USians actually have a sense of humor).

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies reluctantly, "I don't know God, an arm and a leg is an awful lot, what could I get for, say, a rib..."

Another joke aidan will have trouble with

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, "Over here in America, they have strange customs."

"Really? Like what?" says the other.

"Over here, they eat dogs."

Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"

"Yeah, they sure do."

"Well, I guess we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."

After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.

"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you get?"

Encore!

Oh Gawd, CJ, that was toooo funny.

An obvious--and bitter--sexist asked me if I knew the difference between a "slut" and a "bitch.". I said I give up.
He explained that a slut has sex with everyone, and bitch has sex with everyone but him.

WARNING - CRUDITY ALERT.
*********************************

It's one of those age-old conundrums - what do Scotsmen wear under their kilts? I can't say that I know the answer but I was at a Scottish wedding recently where all the men wore traditional garb. At one stage in the proceedings, the groom sat upon the bride's knee and when he got up, there was a skid-mark on her wedding dress.

Three little ducks go into a bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.





'My name is Puddles...'

***

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP..


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.








Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and..............................

























The coffin stops.

Very good RP.

I made one up the other day. At least I think I did.

Why don't you ever see snowmen facing the opposite way?

Because hey, it's 180 degrees back there!

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...
How soon can I go home?'

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"