Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
Music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
Depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
Women have always complained about men staring
At their tits and not listening to them.

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

This ain't email.

Adam & God

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

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(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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'What's a headache?'

(that's what makes it such a really bad joke...)

It was ace RP.

This fruit packer goes into a travel agent's shop.

She says "I want to book a trip to Majorca".

The snooty lady behind the counter who has a major in an 'ology says--"It's not Majorca--it's Mayorca."

"Oh--is it?" the fruit packer says, I didn't know that.

The counter assistant says--"When would you like to travel?"

The fruit packer says--"Oh, I'm easy, Yune or Yuly".

That's very much like the Hawaiian man who explained to me that the name Hawaii should be pronounced with a hard 'w', i.e. as a 'v', rather than 'w.' When I told him, "Thank you," he said, "You're velcome."

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master! .....
The Hills are alive,
with the sound of music !"

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

That's disgusting Cal. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

That one cracks me up..

there was a young girl from bahstin mass
who went into the ocean up to her ankle
if you think this doesn't rhyme
just wait till the tide comes in...

You're scraping the bottom with that on RP.

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably be completely invisible

And if the actress, Tueday Weld, had married the Archduke Franz Ferdinand-Hapsburg March III, would she have been called Tuesday March the Third?

How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the penis.. LADDER!

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean a mother.

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

A young man walked into an agent's office in
Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the
right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to
get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is
centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing
my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years.....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change
your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the
guy said and he left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER...

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He
reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting
to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change
my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I
refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a
name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought
about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my
name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.


Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,





Dick van Dyke

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