Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Good stuff Po-henix

> I finally got> around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and> frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the> frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the> frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake> without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little> whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into> the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.


There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.> >

After perusing the material Pho I have decided to resist adopting your methods.

It really wouldn't do on a family friendly site such as this.

Jack Daniels does wonders for me too.

A young women asked her mother one day, "How do I keep guys off me?"
and mom said, "Ask him what the baby's name will be."

So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are trying to hit on her,
"What will the baby's name be?"

This gets rid of them in a hurry.

Then one guy danced real close with her and she asked the usual question,
and he took her upstairs and when finished she asks again,
"What will the baby's name be?"

He then removes the condom, ties it off at the top and
says, "if the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini..."

***

din't know where to put this, so I'll do it here.

went to a party yesterday (the great guppy harvest, for the curious)

I was the cook for 30 or so former hippy types and their offspring.

a story was told of a friend who passed away in the last year, and I thought it kinda like a bad joke that was real.

Dude was kinda famous for baking with "odd" ingredients, and was very good at it.

He went to a local rock concert and was frisked, and treated rather badly, and not allowed to take his package of home-made brownies into the show.

(food ordinance of some sort, so you gotta buy it inside at vendor prices)

he went on in and sat down to enjoy the show, and started to worry 'bout the cops mebbe having a problem, should they decide to eat the evidence...

he decided they got what they get, and went on about enjoying the concert.

Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: GAY

The wife.

A husband had just finished reading a new book
entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and
we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f...kin' funeral director would
be my first guess.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there Goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister..."

***

"Yesterday my doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked, 'Why is that, doc?' He replied, 'I'm trying to examine you.'"

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.


The local paper read:



PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline read:





BISHOP SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S ASS

This was aggravating for the Biship, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.



The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN


The Bishop fainted.


He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:



NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10



This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The Bishop was buried the next day.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a low level executive.

On his very first day of work, he misdials his secretary's phone number and yells into the phone,

"Get me a coffee, NOW!"

The voice from the other side hollars back, "Do you know who you're talking to? I'm the CEO of this company!"

Without hesitation, the new executive shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?"

"Well, no." replies the CEO.

Executive: "Good!" CLICK.

I was walking home one day, and I took a shortcut through the cemetery.

As I was walking, I heard a great boom, and then several thump, thump, thumps behind me. It was a casket, that had somehow erupted from its grave and was hopping straight towards me. I ran out of the cemetery and ran for home.

It followed me out of the cemetery, so I ran faster. However, no matter how fast I ran, the casket would still be a few yards behind me.

thump thump thump

I reached my house, unlocked the door, went inside, and shut the door.

thump thump thump

I ran down the hallway. The first room I saw was the bathroom.

I heard the door bust open, but I had no time to look back.

thump thump thump

I ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

thump thump thump

I looked around. I needed something. Anything.

thump thump thump

It was already trying to knock down the bathroom door. I frantically opened my medicine cabinet and grabbed the first thing I saw.

A bottle of pills.

The bathroom door was knocked down, and I stood in horror as the casket jumped at me. I threw the bottle at the casket before it reached me, and it suddenly dropped to the floor before me, and didn't move again.

The medicine stopped the coffin.

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

stop it, nimh!

Verily the Lord spoketh unto Moses. Sayeth the Lord "Cometh forth. Inherit the earth."

But Moses came fifth and won an electric toaster.