Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

True Australian ghost story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane , and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney University
student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night
and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned
the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly
came through the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he
rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just experienced. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody
realised he was crying and...... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John,
were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.......there's that
f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Hilarious - if really true. Otherwise, not that bad a joke.

great story, dutchy.

That reminds me;

These two drunks came out of the motel bar. One says "Nice moon out tonight".

The other says "That's the sun, you moron".

Big argument follows, till another one leaves the bar. They decide to let him settle the argument.

"How the Hell should I know? I'm not from around here, either"

Very funny, Dutchy!

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'it hurts when I do that', he said ' well don't do it'.

A Texan walks into a car showroom and says 'Audi.'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

A man bursts into a psychiatrists office and shouts "I think I'm a billiard ball!"
The shrink says "Get to the end of the cue."

On a particular night, a prostitute had a Shakespearean actor for company. Before exeunting, she gave him the complete works.

FOR SALE:

Budgies. Going cheep.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

Dawn French has caught a flesh eating virus.

Doctors have given her 400 years to live.

I've told this one three times now, and it gets the groans like nothing since the "prawn again, Christian" one that was posted here a year ago

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck.

Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

I've seen a thread on A2k: How to date a widow.

And I thought to myself: Carbon -14?

omagawd!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again!'

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.