@Kara,
Yeah - I read that and laughed and I was telling it to my daughter and I got halfway through and she finished it and said, 'I've heard that one.' Well that stopped me in my tracks- I said, 'You have? Where? Who told you that?' I'm thinking, 'Which one of her little friends is telling jokes like that?'
She's very, very smart - she says, 'I don't remember who told me...' and walked out of the room while I'm thinking, 'Alright - it's okay for me to tell her jokes like that, but I don't want her to hear those sort of jokes from anyone other than her mother...'
My little girl is growing up
@aidan,
Aiden...I had the same thing happen when one of my daughters was 12. I overheard her telling her friend a joke on the phone, and I was shocked, shocked! It seems her brother told her....
@Kara,
Men's survey.
5,000 men were asked to complete
a survey on what they liked best about
'Oral Sex':
a. 3% liked the warmth.
b. 4% enjoyed the sensation, and
c. 93% just appreciated the silence .
@realjohnboy,
Quote:A dwarf goes to a psychiatrist and says "I'm not happy."
"Oh?" replies the shrink, "Which one are you?"
first time I've ever heard it!
One night Snow White and the Seven Dwarves tied one on playing drinking games with tequila slammers.
The next morning Snow White woke up feeling dopey and grumpy.
@Dutchy,
5% of men like skinny legs
5% of men like fat legs
the rest prefer something in between...
MY GOD I'M CHANNELING A 14 YEAR OLD BOY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!!!!!!
So there's a bunch of men working on top of a skyscraper in New York. One man walks over to another and says, "Hey, John, you're Mormon right?"
John, who's proud to be LDS replies, "Yeah, why?"
The first man, Clark, continues, "Well, this weekend, the prophet received the ability to walk on air. He extends this ability to all worthy priesthood holders. Here, watch!"
After this Clark walks over the edge and stands in the air five feet away from the building. When John tries, he falls straight to the ground. Clark continues this for hours.
After several people fall, two men walk by. On man looks at the other and asks what's going on.
The other man looks up to see a man standing in the air, turns to his buddy and says, "Oh, it looks like Superman is screwing around with the Mormons, again!"
@Goamey,
Two blonds are sitting on a park bench, one looks at the other and asks, "What do you think is further away, Florida, or the moon?"
After much consideration, the second finnaly replies, "... Well hello?! Can you see Florida?!
A blond is driving a car and knitting at the same time. An officer, appalled by her negligence flips on his lights and yells, "PULL OVER!" The blond slows down, pulls next to him, rolls down her window, then yells, "NO! IT'S A TURTLE NECK!"
@Goamey,
Goamey wrote:
A blond is driving a car and knitting at the same time.
I know it's a joke but thats a bit of a stretch innit?
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings!
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
***
(See if you have De Gaulle to tell this one to someone else...)
@Region Philbis,
My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'
A little boy had a tooth out and asked the dentist if he could keep it. What for? the dentist asked.
"I want to take it home, put some sugar on it and watch it ache!"
@Region Philbis,
Region Philbis wrote:
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such
an obvious error, he replied,
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings!
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
***
(See if you have De Gaulle to tell this one to someone else...)
That one made Magritte my teeth.
Proof That Women Can Be Heartless!
One day two men and a woman are training to be in the secret service. All three passed the first two tests with flying colors. Now it's time for the third test. They're all separated, and taken into a room one at a time.
First, one of the men is taken back. His instructor holds out a gun and says, "Your final test is to take this gun, and shoot your wife. She's in the next room blindfolded, and she needs to be 'taken out' for reasons we cannot give to you." The man takes one look at the gun and walks away.
Next, the other man is brought back and told the same thing. He takes the gun, and after about five minutes, comes back out of the room in tears sobbing that he can't do it.
Finally it's the woman's turn. The instructor tells her to kill her husband, but again, doesn't give any reason as to why. She takes the gun and enters the room. The instructor hears six gunshots, then scrambling. The chaos continues for a minute or two, then finally the woman comes out bloody and her hair's a mess. The Instructor, puzzled for obvious reasons, ask what occurred.
"The dang gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with his chair. Sorry it took so long! Did I pass?"
@Goamey,
Goamey wrote:
Proof That Women Can Be Heartless!
One day two men and a woman are training to be in the secret service. All three passed the first two tests with flying colors. Now it's time for the third test. They're all separated, and taken into a room one at a time.
First, one of the men is taken back. His instructor holds out a gun and says, "Your final test is to take this gun, and shoot your wife. She's in the next room blindfolded, and she needs to be 'taken out' for reasons we cannot give to you." The man takes one look at the gun and walks away.
Next, the other man is brought back and told the same thing. He takes the gun, and after about five minutes, comes back out of the room in tears sobbing that he can't do it.
Finally it's the woman's turn. The instructor tells her to kill her husband, but again, doesn't give any reason as to why. She takes the gun and enters the room. The instructor hears six gunshots, then scrambling. The chaos continues for a minute or two, then finally the woman comes out bloody and her hair's a mess. The Instructor, puzzled for obvious reasons, ask what occurred.
"The dang gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with his chair. Sorry it took so long! Did I pass?"
Ha ha ha. A heartless woman!
THE LODGER
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her thick, hairy Muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her Yours?'
'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!
Bubba was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies, Bubba left to go back home to his wife.
When Bubba's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Bubba sitting in front of his Fatboy, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Bubba?"
"I didn't have to" was Bubba's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
So, ta da, here I am..."
***
